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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

am I justified or just being awkward?

49 replies

CuppaSarah · 16/05/2015 07:59

I'll start by saying I am more than happy to be told iabu and will take on any advice given.

So the situation is, my sil is due to go be induced in a couple weeks time with her second baby. We're having dn 2yo as we're the only local support. Plus he is lovely and we don't get to see him as much as we'd like. The problem is he has never had a night away and has coslept from birth. He really finds sleeping in any other arrangement very stressful from what I've gathered from sil. She is quite cagey about it though and this is from reading between the lines. Mil has strong opinions on cosleeping so sil feels awkward about it so she always keeps vague with the details. I personally don't really care how they sleep as long as they get some sleep.

I've been asking for months for a rough plan on what sil needs to be feeling good about the plans as obviously she will struggle being away from him. I've also been asking for months to have dn for occasional sleep overs so he can get used to idea. Every time this has been met with vague and dismissive responses, so I haven't pushed as she seemed uncomfortable. Now a few weeks from the day, sil wants us to have dn from the lunch time the day before till she is discharged from hospital. This could be days and I really don't think it's fair on dn. I suggested I come pick him up very early on the induction date take him to mine in PJs and feed him breakfast at mine so she's not stressing on the day about him. But she's really unhappy with that and now ignoring me. I understand she won't want her dp to leave while she's waiting to go into labour so he doesn't miss it so we will obviously have him for the nights of the induction without complaint. But I think minimising the stress for dn is also a priority. I don't want him struggling with being away for days, then his baby brother appearing which will be difficult for him as it is. I'm happy to have him as long as it takes for her to have the baby, but the extra night the day before seems to unnessicairy. Aibu and awkward? I've never been induced or heavily pregnant with a toddler so I really wouldn't know.

OP posts:

Original poster

CuppaSarah · 16/05/2015 08:01

Oh my goodness I am so sorry for the lack of paragraphs.

OP posts:

HumptyDumptyBumpty · 16/05/2015 08:02

You are not being unreasonable, you sound lovely! I was induced with DD, and yes, it took ages. I only have one, so no helpful advice, but just wanted to say your SIL is lucky to have you.

hamiltoes · 16/05/2015 08:04

I think you are spot on with your suggestions about having him over night before the induction.

He needs to be somewhere he feels treasured, safe, secure etc. especially since he will be coming home to a brand new baby who will need lots of attention!

I really don't know why SIL isn't seeing this.

And I agree lunchtime the day before is a little too early, and a long time to be away from mum and dad if he's never had a night away before.

hamiltoes · 16/05/2015 08:05

*before the induction as in sleepovers in the coming weeks/ months, not the night before. Didn't word that very clearly!

dexter73 · 16/05/2015 08:05

I would probably just have him the extra night. I imagine she is feeling pretty nervous about the whole thing. You do sound like a lovely aunty!

Welliesandpyjamas · 16/05/2015 08:07

SPend the first night at their house?

Bluecarrot · 16/05/2015 08:10

She is def being weird and awkward but not being open to discussing it. I cosleep with dd and never been away for a whole night and I'd be freaking out in her position BUT I think I'd be easing him into it.
I guess she is thinking she needs a good nights sleep before the labour (wish I'd had the common sense to do that!)

Are you going to co sleep with your nephew? How do you feel about it?
Have you spent enough time with him recently that he won't be freaked out by going away with you for at least 2 nights?
If not I'd suggest to your SIL that she's comes for coffee and he has an extended stay at your house (with her there). That together you show him the bed he will sleep in etc. Maybe of he still naps, she can put him down there.
It'll give him a better transition and it'll give you a better idea of what he will need.

lordsandladies · 16/05/2015 08:10

Well I disagree, while it would be nice to go gently gently with DN it would also be good for his mother and the baby to have a good night's sleep before what could be a long kabour experience.

DN will get over it, they are adaptable little things. So I'm going YABU.

however on the fact that she hasn't organised any time with you prior to this and isn't communicating now she ibu and ridiculous. You are doing her a favour and she should want you to feel comfortable too.

Original poster

CuppaSarah · 16/05/2015 08:10

Wellies that would be ideal, but they don't currently have space for me at there's. Plus sil is very private, so I don't think it would be her cup of tea.

dexter I agree she must be very nervous, but I'm still not sure the extra night is best for dn. Obviously sil has his best intentions at heart though, so its really difficult to judge.

I really am not particularly lovely, I just over think everything!

OP posts:

Slimmerforsummer · 16/05/2015 08:11

Oh wellies idea is good. Can you stay at their house, at least for overnights?

JustHavinABreak · 16/05/2015 08:13

I think you sound incredibly kind. You're thinking of your SIL'S needs AND also DN's. I was in a similar situation except that I was the cosleepring pregnant one but I wasn't induced so I just knew it could be any day now iyswim. In this situation I would just go with what your SIL has asked. Stressed Mum isn't going to be good for anyone including DN. She will (I assume!) have weighed up all the options and worked out that overall this is best. She has probably backed away now because she feels judged about the cosleeping. I know you're not judging but as a cosleeping parent I know very few people who haven't had an unsolicited opinion on that aspect of our parenting and have no qualms about sharing it! Factor in the pregnancy hormones, tiredness and nerves and she is probably just not seeing this straight. YADNBU just kind but I still think you should text your SIL to say that you're looking forward to having DN from the day before induction and you have lovely treats planned.

Morelikeguidelines · 16/05/2015 08:14

I was induced with both of mine and cannot for the life of me understand why he needs to come lunchtime before. Early next morning will be just the same surely? (my mum did stay over the night before dc2 was induced but she didn't need to do anything, just lives further away)

Also surely she means you to have him til baby is born and dad can come home, not til she is discharged?

I think yanbu at all and they are putting heads in sand re dn.

HomeIsWhereTheHeartIs · 16/05/2015 08:15

YANBU and clearly you have DN's best interests at heart. However...
Perhaps SIL wants you to have him the night before because she would like a peaceful nights sleep before she goes to be induced. It will probably be the last full nights sleep she will get in months! Give her a break.
If you have him from the lunchtime the day before that will give him plenty of time to get settled at your house.
Maybe she doesn't like the sleepover idea incase it doesn't go well and DN becomes upset at the idea of staying again on the Big Day.
I think given that SIL should be allowed for things to happen as she likes - she's having a baby after all.

Original poster

CuppaSarah · 16/05/2015 08:15

No Blue we won't be cosleeping with him. I wouldn't get a wink of sleep and at 7 weeks pregnant I'm barely functioning on ten hours as it is! As I went back to work full time last year we haven't been able to see dn much. He's comfortable around us, but doesn't know us as well as I would like.

I think the whole thing would be hugely improved if she would open up a little and we could use the suggestions above to get him a bit more used to the idea. Sil is super last minute, which she makes work for her. I need to plan. I know it will work out, I just have bad anxiety and always imagine the worst scenario.

OP posts:

MadameJosephine · 16/05/2015 08:15

Will she definitely be admitted on the day of the induction? In our unit if your cervix is not 'favourable' for induction you are admitted the afternoon prior to the induction to have prostin pessaries. This decision can only be made in the few days leading up to the induction so she may have asked for the extra night for this reason?

mrsm16 · 16/05/2015 08:17

I'd take him the night before, she needs a good rest before being induced. They might have to be up really early to get to the hospital which would disturb dn and having him up early May lead to an upset dn going off with you which will upset sil? lots of what ifs and maybes!

Morelikeguidelines · 16/05/2015 08:18

I see she might want a good night sleep but why lunchtime (didn't think of that as we had bigger gap)?

Goodnight sleep a lovely thing but not sure if more important than dn feeling secure. You are always exhausted after the birth anyway!

lifelorn · 16/05/2015 08:23

I have very regular conact with DGD but she had never stayed overnight at my house. Before it was necessary (due to her Mum being away) we had a trial night. This was explained to her as a fun sleepover and I was educated in her night time routine.
She was dropped off at 5 in the evening and collected at 9am.

It worked very well I knew what was required and she was not suddenly put into a diferent situation.
You definitely need a sleepover for your DN.

Original poster

CuppaSarah · 16/05/2015 08:24

Wow the responses are so mixed! It really is a difficult one, I don't think we'll ever know which is the right answer. I think the best option now is get sil over and have a frank discussion about she thinks dn is going to cope, how he finds change etc. Then weigh up what is going to be the priority, sil getting a childfree night before, or dn having an extra night at home.

I'd happily have him for a night next weekend to give her a nice child free night. But I don't know if she'll go for that, but maybe at nearly term pregnant she'll be a little more receptive!

OP posts:

Littlef00t · 16/05/2015 08:32

I definitely think you need to have dn for a night here and there well before baby is due, so it doesn't seem so strange when you have him for several for the birth.

Also, she says she wants you to have him until she's discharged, but really DH should be splitting his days between new baby and dn.

poocatcherchampion · 16/05/2015 08:34

Tbh I'd just roll with what your SIL wants. It could all change at the time anyway.

bakingtins · 16/05/2015 08:39

If it takes days for her induction to work her DH probably won't be able to stay with her anyway, most units don't allow partners outside visiting hours unless she is on labour ward. Could your DB come and stay with you and DN once she is admitted? You can see he needs to be free to leave in a hurry when SIL goes into labour. The day and night before thing seems unnecessarily harsh for DN. I can't understand why SIL would pass up the chance for him to be more familiar and settled with you in the months leading up to this then palm him off for as long as possible in the event. I also agree that his Dad should be back with him if SIL has to stay in with baby once it is born. I feel sorry for the child, and for you having to deal with him so out of his comfort zone when you are suffering first trimester yourself. I know it's a Mumsnet tenet that the world revolves around the woman giving birth, but I don't think that's true second time around, the older sibling's needs are also important.

grapejuicerocks · 16/05/2015 08:47

You might not like the idea of co sleeping with him, but sleeping alone is traumatic enough, without it being in a strange house too. I can't see much sleep being had by anyone.
I don't know what the answer is, but several small stages sounds best, rather than being thrown in the deep end.

I can't see this ending well. Are you sure you can't stay at his house the whole time?

Hoppinggreen · 16/05/2015 08:47

Poor little boy - he will be staying in an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar routine and when he gets home there will be a baby there!!!
I can understand that your sil wants to enjoy the last time she has with just him before her attention has to be focussed on the baby but she really needs to think about making this as easy as possible for DN

PicaK · 16/05/2015 08:54

Maybe (if your mum is always a bit disparaging) she really needs you to just agree and not be poking holes in her plan.
I don't think it's a great plan btw. But dn is going to find it weird whichever day he goes. I suppose he may kick off more the second time.
Chances are she IS thinking about him (mum's tend to do that!) And may be very offended by you implicating she'd just like a better night's sleep. She is private - she may be dreading the induction and trying to protect dn from seeing her upset. If you and mil are the type to tell her she's being daft then I could see how she would clamp down and not share her personal private feelings with you iyswim.
You'll prob need them later. How would you feel if you asked them and then they started interrogating you about why and telling you you weren't being a proper mother cos you're not thinking about it properly.
I'd go in with the "what can I do to make it best for dn" aporoach.
But i think you're great, really great to offer to help.

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