am I justified or just being awkward?

[CuppaSarah]

I'll start by saying I am more than happy to be told iabu and will take on any advice given.

So the situation is, my sil is due to go be induced in a couple weeks time with her second baby. We're having dn 2yo as we're the only local support. Plus he is lovely and we don't get to see him as much as we'd like. The problem is he has never had a night away and has coslept from birth. He really finds sleeping in any other arrangement very stressful from what I've gathered from sil. She is quite cagey about it though and this is from reading between the lines. Mil has strong opinions on cosleeping so sil feels awkward about it so she always keeps vague with the details. I personally don't really care how they sleep as long as they get some sleep.

I've been asking for months for a rough plan on what sil needs to be feeling good about the plans as obviously she will struggle being away from him. I've also been asking for months to have dn for occasional sleep overs so he can get used to idea. Every time this has been met with vague and dismissive responses, so I haven't pushed as she seemed uncomfortable. Now a few weeks from the day, sil wants us to have dn from the lunch time the day before till she is discharged from hospital. This could be days and I really don't think it's fair on dn. I suggested I come pick him up very early on the induction date take him to mine in PJs and feed him breakfast at mine so she's not stressing on the day about him. But she's really unhappy with that and now ignoring me. I understand she won't want her dp to leave while she's waiting to go into labour so he doesn't miss it so we will obviously have him for the nights of the induction without complaint. But I think minimising the stress for dn is also a priority. I don't want him struggling with being away for days, then his baby brother appearing which will be difficult for him as it is. I'm happy to have him as long as it takes for her to have the baby, but the extra night the day before seems to unnessicairy. Aibu and awkward? I've never been induced or heavily pregnant with a toddler so I really wouldn't know.

I think the reason I'm focusing on dns needs more than sils right now, is so she can just focus on herself and the task at hand. I don't want to put stress on her but I really do want dn to feel as settled as possible before his little brother comes along.

Our hospital let's partners stay on all wards, there's a chance bil will come home to sleep and if he does as he doesn't drive I'll offer to sleep on the sofa and he can cosleep with dn. Then I can run him to hospital if need be. But sil progressed fast last time so probably won't let him go home. Once she's on postnatal he will probably be shattered and feel too tired to properly look after dn. So I'll offer the same again and look after dn when awake. But sil will probably want him to stay. The postnatal ward isn't exactly a fun place to be on your own. Which I completely understand. During and just after labour sil obviously calls the shots with no question.

Yanbu

Yes I think he needs a night at yours and sleeping arrangement sorted. Sounds like she won't face up to this. Speak to her DH and state your concerns.

PiCaK I have said earlier on the thread she obviously is thinking what's best for him too and the reason I'm asking here is so I'm not sitting there telling her exactly why she's wrong and I'm right. I doubt its easy to do doing what she's doing and its a difficult situation all round. I'm sorry if I come across like I think she doesn't care about dn and I'm some wonderful auntie who only thinks of him. I just want to get my thoughts straight without burdening her.

At the end of the day all I have said to her is I think it might be a few too many nights away without being used to it and shall I come over as soon as the morning of and pick him up to give him breakfast at mine. I haven't said anything nasty, I haven't been pushy, I haven't judged either. I just want to find the balance for everyone. If I'm wrong I'm sorry. Also if i now sound pissy I'm sorry, morning sickness has kicked in for today and has replaced my patience/ability to properly word stuff.

By telling her you just want the best for dn, you could be implying that she isn't considering her child's interests enough iykwim?
I would just do what she wants. There is every chance dn will be upset, I wouldn't go into all those details afterwards with her, she will be worn out from giving birth. Just try to make the best of it, and tell her everything was fine.

You sound sane she sounds irritatingly head in the sand. I never have an issue with people wanting to do things in a way I wouldn't - but it drives me mad when they won't SAY what they want to do & why. Especially in this case where if DN kicks off you'll be dealing with the fall out (and personally I always needed sleep far more at 7 weeks of pregnancy than 40).m

If she ends up staying in there longer than overnight I think dad will have to come & relieve you, and he'll have to after the birth if DN is upset - that's just the way it is with subsequent births.

Do you work? DN could be with you for ages. Worst case scenario induction takes ages (mine was 3 days with no progress) followed by a complex delivery requiring a long hospital stay. This will if nothing else be very confusing for DN.

He'll freak if you don't let him co-sleep. If it's what he's used to there's no way he's just going to settle in a bed on his own. Would you not let him in your bed for one night and his Dad can do the rest?

She's burying her head in the sand. I'm afraid I'd be quite direct and say you wish to sort arrangements....which of course could be subject to change.

The last thing you need is extra stress. Does she know you are pregnant?

She is a very head in sand person, I think the lack of reasons from her makes it hard to see why with her plans. She obviously doesn't owe me explanations and doesn't need to justify herself to me. But knowing the logic behind it might make things way clearer for me. Because she obviously is thinking about dn, I just have no clue how it relates to the plan.

I will most defiantly will not be telling her the truth if he struggles. I used to work with preschoolers and am very good at wording they found it a bit difficult to settle in a positive light.

Only she doesn't know and won't know till I'm at least 20 weeks. We were pregnant at the same time before and she had a lot of issues with envy and got a little competitive in ways. Obviously wasn't any fun for either of us, so I'll wait till she's out of the newborn stage, so she's not emotionally vulnerable and the hormones are less all over the place.

Or, could your dh co-sleep and you sleep on the couch?

I'd just go with her plans and make the best of it tbh. Why don't you invite them both round and find out what his current favourite games, TV programmes and foods are and open up a less confrontational discussion about what to do, she might open up a bit when she can see you are on side ( as opposed to judgy pants mil)

Cuppa, just a few points here;
First of all, would you like to be my daughters Auntie? You sound so lovely and are going to be such a wonderful mum! Also, just a thought but maybe your sil would like your dn to stay at yours the night before because they have to be in the hospital at stupid o'clock OR because if he was to kick off she would be around to come over and settle him of sorts. As an x co sleeper myself I think I may be able to shed light on why she doesn't seem keen on Dn sleeping over before absolutely necessary.. Because she will miss him immensely, he is her baby and no one else can do it right, especially when she feels hormonal!
When I was induced in was in the delivery suite for 8 days, ended up with emcs and was then in for a further two days recovering, this time I'm booked in for elcs so mil will be having DD the night before, and the dh will pick her up and take her somewhere fun as soon as me and ds are in recovery. Mil is only having DD night before as we have to be in hospital for around 8am and don't want dd to clock on anything is going on lol. (she's also 2.5).

P.s you nay also find, that Dn surprises you all and sleeps soundly on his own at yours ?? my dd co slept up until she was 1.5 years, but when she stayed at mils, she slept amazingly well in her own cor in own room. And she certainly wasn't damaged by it, her and mil have the most beautiful strong bond!

Then explain to her that you need to know the plan because you are a planner who likes to plan weeks in advance. Don't couch it in terms of "being best for DN or her." You have him the day before lunch onwards. Can you do that? Will it interfere with your job? If not, accept that's what she wants. Then, say I was thinking of doing x,y and z will DN be ok with that? Will BIL be coming home to sleep and take care of his son when she's at the hospital?

You said that she has her reasons and doesn't need to justify them but you want to know the reasons. You can't have it both ways. I know you want to know what the plan is and reassurance that DN will be comfortable at your place. Maybe you questioning her may stress her out more than the actuality of the event stressing you out. Maybe she might feel like you don't want to do it.

In all honesty, I think all you need to think about is whether you're willing to help or not; it's not up to you to decide what's best for DN, that's his parents' job.

I asked my parents to take DD (19 months) the night before I was induced with DS. She had been very clingy to me at night, and for the second half of the pregnancy I spent my nights sitting upright in a chair in her bedroom with her lying on me, because that was the only way she would sleep. It was awkward and very painful and I got very little rest at all for months. I knew that sleeping in her grandparents' house wouldn't suit DD at all but I desperately needed one night in my own bed to actually get some kip before the induction. Given that I had to go through labour and then have months (years, as it turned out!) of broken sleep, I figured she'd survive one night without me. And she did!

I think DN's dad should be looking after him as much as possible the poor kid.

How's he going to feel being abandoned by both parents to stay in an unfamiliar place while the new baby is being doted on for however long. Of course he should be there for the labour and birth, but afterwards should be making DN the priority - his little world is about to be turned upside down.

SIL will have to cope with the baby herself. It's what most people do who have more than one child.

Oh, and until labour actually starts (which could take quite a long time) he should be with his son.

I don't think your suggestions are at all unreasonable, but if they've been rejected then you just have to bite your lip and accept it. I don't think it will help anyone (including your DN) to pressurise your SIL at this point.

mynewpassion I probably worded it badly. Her reasons are her reasons, i don't need to know them, but not knowing them or what its like to be in her situation, makes it hard to see things from her perspective. Which is why I have come here to get some perspective as I realised I can only see my side.

I want to help, but my anxious nature means I'm very nervous about it and sils tendency to not plan is making it difficult. But as she's the one giving birth pushing her seems unfair(she has enough pushing to worry about )

I have barely said anything to sil yet, as I wanted to get perspective before ending up bu without knowing it. Obviously dn will survive, I'm more worried about him having a difficult couple of days then suddenly a baby appearing. I feel responsible for making sure dn has an amazing time so his relationship with his baby brother gets off to a perfect start. I won't actually have an impact on that I know, but I still have the self imposed pressure.

As for stuff to do, I'm going to steal all his favriote DVDs, have booked paint a plate to make baby brother a present and have some baking planned. Any other ideas for two toddlers? Dn hasn't ever done a softplah so I'm tempted, but not sure if I'm brave enough.

You sound lovely but you're over thinking this. Just suck it up and do as she asks. You may be right that it isn't the absolute best thing possible for your DN. You might be wrong. But even if it isn't the absolute best thing for him (or you) it's not a terrible thing. He may be a bit more distressed than he otherwise would be. That's it really. Then it'll be over. As social creatures we are built to deal with some distress. You'll all cope. Not every decision has to be perfect.

Second what MooJay said. I had a few hospital admissions during pregnancy with DS2 and as DS1 was cosleeping I was really stressed about how he'd manage, especially if DH was late in the hospital with me. He had no bother going to sleep in my sister's place in his own bed. DN could well surprise you because they often just want to share with Mom/Dad not just anyone

I don't think it's your responsibility that dn has a good start with his sibling OP. However, I do think if dn becomes very distressed at being separated from his parents, once the birth is over, you are entitled to ring and tell the dad he has to come and pick him up. I don't think it would be reasonable for dad to stay overnight on the ward after the birth if his eldest child is very upset.

Of course dn may be fine, but as others have said inductions can take a long time, and he may need to spend some time with his father

I wouldn't co-sleep with a two year old while 7 weeks pregnant. I remember getting some right kicks off mine at that age. Do you have a spare double? Could DP go in with him so you are a bit more comfortable? I imagine he's sleeping better than you at the mo and won't be quite so worried about stray kicks.