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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think they should pick him up?

57 replies

spillyobeans · 14/05/2015 22:02

Sorry if this is a bit long winded but i need to get a perspective from someone else. My DH is going to a funeral tomorrow (a relative that i dont know and not particularly immediate tbh), and his mum and dad are going. Dhs mum has told him to get to theirs for 8am so they can leave together. My mum is visiting for a couple of days and due to go home same morning and i would like to give her a lift to station. I thought it would make more sense for dh to get ready at home and for his mum and dad to pick him up on route...or for my husband to make his own way there. However his mum has said i have to drop him off at theirs, then go back for my mum straight after. AIBU to think shes being a bit controlling expecting him to work around her? I am also very heavily pregnant so its alot more hassle for me

OP posts:

BeaufortBelle · 15/05/2015 07:39

I'm looking at this from another perspective. Your ILS are bereaved and they are probably anxious about getting to the funeral and anxious that your DH accompanies them and arrives at theirs on time. They are being selfish about this and quite rightly so; you also feel the need to be selfish at 8 months pregnant with your mum visiting from far away.

Look at it this way OP, you get the car for the day and you have an exeat from the funeral. You will be having a better day than the three of them and I think you have to be the bigger person on this occasion. If you really can't drop off your DH then FGS just book him a taxi and move on.

Your ILs are close by and you will have a baby soon. They will end up being very valuable to you when you desperately need a bit of help.

Unexpected · 15/05/2015 07:42

If they live five minutes away, you will be out of the house for 10 mins. How does this equate to not being able to spend the morning with your mum?! Sounds like a mountain out of a molehill.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 15/05/2015 07:48

I'm a little confused by it all to be honest. If they're 10 mins away, dropping DH off would only deprive you of 20 mins with your mum? And you don't want to be put out by going out of your way to drop your DH off, but you expect them to go out of their way to pick their DS up? I'm not sure what they've done that is so unreasonable, unless it is simply the being told what to do rather than asked which is annoying you so much?

CinnabarRed · 15/05/2015 07:49

I'm with your DH on this one - it's a non-issue.

Your ILs live 5 minutes away (per your post of 7:30) so your round trip to drop him off is 10 minutes (which agrees to your post of 23:53) - so you would leave at 7:55, drop him off at 8, and still be home to spend the morning with your DM by 8:05. You get to use the car that morning when you otherwise wouldn't.

I can't really see the problem.

letscookbreakfast · 15/05/2015 08:01

What's the problem OP? It's ten minutes out of your morning.

averythinline · 15/05/2015 08:06

why cant dh walk to theirs if they are that close? seems ott to drive ....I wouldn't want to have to get up n about early when heavily pregnant if I didn't have too....

averythinline · 15/05/2015 08:08

post too soon

if walking not an option can see why you might want to put some boundaries in with them as they sound bossy but the day of a funeral is probably not the day for it...so would go for the taxi option...works for everybody that way...

Iggi999 · 15/05/2015 08:10

It's not just the ten minutes though is it, if you have to get up early - I thought it was twenty anyway? And if just ten, how is it a big deal for fil to lose his "giant" lie in? And taxi no big deal too.
I think this is one of those things were if a perfectly charming, helpful person asked you to do it you wouldn't give it a second thought - when it comes from a more negative background it feels rather differently.

MythicalKings · 15/05/2015 08:10

I'm not altogether sure that it's DH's family who are being controlling here, OP.

CinnabarRed · 15/05/2015 08:24

If the OP would otherwise by having a lie-in then she's not losing time with her DM, is she?

The day of a funeral is not the day to get feisty.

holidaysarenice · 15/05/2015 08:24

Friends A and B are going to a funeral, friend A offers B a lift so Bs wife can have their car and not pay petrol etc.

B then demands A comes out of their way to pick them up. Aibu that A should tell B to piss off and stop being entitled.

imagine the response

Original poster

spillyobeans · 15/05/2015 08:41

Well its not just losing 10 mins of a morning as i need to drop him off for 8.00 and then my mum needs to be at station for 8m45 so i ended up taking her alot earlier than i could have (hense feels like loosing a morning together). I didnt really want her to get a taxi as i wanted to see her off (ok fair dos thats me being selfish). My point of view was that my husbands a grown man, he could have just made his own way there etc but mil insisted he must go to theres first so to check he was wearing the right stuff and didnt need a help ironing (which i had told her we had already obviously sorted out as we are 2 capable adults). Hense why i find the whole situation rather controlling on her part.

Well i ended up just dropping him and my mum off together!

OP posts:

Original poster

spillyobeans · 15/05/2015 08:43

Oh and just to clarify i didnt need the car for the day, my dh could have had it to make his own way to funeral after i had dropped my mum off... so not doing me a favour!

OP posts:

SanityClause · 15/05/2015 08:52

Your MIL is making an issue when there isn't one.

DH doesn't need to go to theirs first, she just wants him to. If he insists on following her rules, that's fine! but then he needs to make it work for you, as well.

Tell him, either to go straight on to the funeral on his own like a grown up or if he insists on going to his parents first, he needs to make his own way there.

MediumEnglisch · 15/05/2015 09:12

How far away was the funeral? Far enough to make it foolish not to car share to save fuel?

If the distances involved are all smallit is ludicrous you had to take your DH to his parents especially if the reason was really to check he'd ironed his shirt and put on the right suit

OP the whole issue of dropping your DH off at his parents sounds like a red herring.

You, your DH and your PIL need to get your relationship onto an adult, equal footing ASAP before your baby is born, or you are in for a bumpy ride.

Your DH needs to get his head straight first about the fact he is a married adult with a baby imminent -he is his momother's equal as are you and she does not check he has a clean ironed shirt for school any more. She does not "tell" him (and by extension you) what to do any more than you or he tell her what to do - you are all autonomous, capable adults and need to treat one another as such, with friendly/ loving respect and courtesy.

You and your DH need to get this straight as a priority.

YouMakeMyHeartSmile · 15/05/2015 09:17

In this scenario my DH would have just said 'no it's alright mum I don't need to come to yours first, I'll just meet you there as it's more convenient'. Maybe the issue is your DH feeling he has to 'do as he's told' rather than your MIL being controlling?

Hakluyt · 15/05/2015 09:21

Do your pil want your Dp to drive their car to the funeral? Is that it?

Original poster

spillyobeans · 15/05/2015 09:27

The funeral is about 15 mins away, so not that far! Maybe im just worried because im scared she will try to be controlling once baby is here...and feel like dh is going to let her! I think this is why i feel like i should stick up for myself even for small issues!

Dh however thinks she is just caring rather than controlling

My reasons for thinking this is controlling behaviour has come from past experiences, such as, checking our online bank without permission (we didnt give her password etc so she must have routed around our stuff when visiting), undermining me infront of friends and family: "oh dh bring your washing for me to do it as op will shrink it", and giving dh a massive guilt trip if me or him dont drop everything to ferry her about to shops for fags/juice other non essentials (she does not drive, bus is outsider her door and shop is within walking distance). All these things add up to me feeling that a 'non issue' is really just another act of her asserting her dominance. I dont want to be in a position where i am putting me against her as i feel as im very reasonable/flexable in accomodating her requests 9 times out of 10, however this is never reciprocated. Im probably being unreasonable, but maybe not as much as her?

OP posts:

Original poster

spillyobeans · 15/05/2015 09:29

haklyut my fil would be driving them not dh

OP posts:

MythicalKings · 15/05/2015 09:32

I think this was the wrong battle to pick.

We (DH and I) always went with our parents as a family to family funerals. It's the norm for families to travel together where we are from.

Happybodybunny12 · 15/05/2015 09:34

Taxi taxi taxi! There is no issue here. It will be a tenner tops.

Seriously what is the issue here.

You are upduffed and want to spend time with your mother.

He gets a fucking taxi.

Happybodybunny12 · 15/05/2015 09:37

Holy fuck op just read your last post.

You will need to set very very clear boundaries before baby arrives. And get your dh a pair of balls to strap on.

I am a mil btw. We arnt all mad but she sounds a tricky one.

HippyPottyMouth · 15/05/2015 09:39

Drop him at ILs, go straight to the station and have coffee and croissants with your mum there.

MediumEnglisch · 15/05/2015 09:48

Your last pist confirms it.

Sit down with your DH and get him to (to use an excellent phrase I've only read on mn) give his head a wobble :o

You will not sort this til you get it very straight in your DH'S head that he is an adult, you are his wife, he needs to have an adult relationship with his parents and (unless they are in poor health) to prioritise you and the baby at this point in his life.

You will not improve the mil situation unless you first get your DH to see clearly that it is not normal or healthy for her to be treating him like a child/ teen or as if he still lives with her and you are a passing teen girlfriend she has no respect for.

You need some ground rules (set between you and DH about what you will accept/ how you will deal with unreasonable demands or humiliation/ put downs - no need to sit down with mil and make a drama of it) You and DH need to be a united front before the baby is born, or either you will be resentful til the day mil dies or your marriage won't last.

DH is the problem until he can see the problem.

MediumEnglisch · 15/05/2015 09:53

Otherwise the only solution is physical distance - don't live so close to them that they can "pop" around or ask you to do errands. I find an hour's drive ideal :o Obviously you can't just up and move but you can make it a medium term aim :o

Your MIL is uncomfortably close in more than one way if your DH is happy to remain in a man child role...

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