Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for ideas for quick responses to MILs constant negativity

56 replies

tomatoesarered · 14/05/2015 13:52

She is coming to stay this weekend (duty visit) and I am dreading her always droning an about how hard her life is (even though it's not), how much harder SILs life is compared to ours (it's not), if we say anything positive she will reply with some story to make out we are so lucky. From the minute she arrives she will moan about the journey, the car, the weather, some ache or pain. She will not talk to the dc. She will hover around me because she cannot talk to her own son and he cannot talk to her and I will have to make ALL the conversation. I will feel on edge if the dc misbehave as she has such a rigid idea of behaviour and etiquette. I just need some ideas to make it more bearable!

OP posts:
WeirdCatLady · 14/05/2015 13:54

Wine. Lots and lots of wine.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 14/05/2015 13:55

Book yourself into a hotel until she has gone.
Sorry not much advice, my soul is like this.

magimedi · 14/05/2015 13:55

Tell your DH it is his mother & he has to do his share. If he invites his mother for the w/e he needs to be sociable as well.

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 · 14/05/2015 14:00

Why can't they talk to each other? Have they actually fallen out or are they just awkward around each other?

SomewhereIBelong · 14/05/2015 14:00

my MIL is whingy like that - "too much filling in my sandwich - would be lovely if there wasn't so much filling in it" was all she could find to say to DD14 when she made her a really delicious pulled pork roll.

just realise that you do not have to make conversation at all - if no one talks, no one talks, woo...

NighteyesLovesGingerbread · 14/05/2015 14:04

I have my MIL descending at the weekend so I feel your pain. top tips for survival:

1 - wine - lots of it!

2 - stop caring. I found her visits so much less stressful since I stopped caring about what she thought of how we did things. we didn't make special arrangements/food as they wouldn't be good enough anyway so just carried on as normal and let her lump it. you should find she doesn't rile you as much if you haven't gone to too much effort to impress her.

3 - use the term 'we' a lot, MIL hates that she cant drive a wedge between DH and I and both of us make sure if she's having a dig we use 'we' - eg: "why are the children wearing those?" " We think they look nice in them" "Why are you making lasagne" "Because it's our favourite meal"

4 - use the phrase 'what a shame you feel that way' when she is being negative. eg: "yes you are lucky to have a good job" "it's a shame you see it as luck, DH has worked very hard to get where he is" "You don't know how tiring it is travelling so much" "What a shame you aren't able to enjoy it, maybe you should stay home more often?" this has worked really well with my MIL as it sounds very nice as pie with a lovely undertone of stfu complaining!

good luck!!

Original poster
tomatoesarered · 14/05/2015 14:05

They haven't fallen out. Just a very strained relationship that is purely because she feels she should and dh feels too guilty to not keep in touch. Last time he asked her how many slices of toast she wanted. She said she didn't know. 2 was too much apparently and 1 not enough!

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 14/05/2015 14:05

I worked with the daughter of someone like that, years ago. Whenever her dad started up his 'Nobody knows the trouble I've had' schtick she would 'mmm' along and then smile brightly and say 'How nice' or 'lovely' whenever he paused for breath.

It didn't permanently stop him, but it drastically reduced the amount of time he spent moaning to her.

Pennies · 14/05/2015 14:07

Ahh you have a Demontor style MIL. I hate people like that sucking the happines out of life.

I'd drop in a few "You're a laugh a minute today" / "Cheer up it might never happen" type comments. Then get a friend to ring with a very serious emergency that requires your immediate attention, even if that emergency is deciding between white or rose wine!

HubertCumberdale · 14/05/2015 14:15

I'd start mentioning now how sore your throat is feeling. Then by the time she gets here I'd apologise for feeling a bit under the weather and not my usual perky self, and it's really best if I rest my voice.

Leave them both to it. Take a back seat.

castlesintheair · 14/05/2015 14:16

I have learnt to just smile serenely and say nothing. It doesn't stop it but it makes me feel a lot better! Also go out a lot on last minute errands. DH is very good at "popping out to buy xxx" in this situation and then coming back 3 hours later having had a nice read/snooze by the sea. Also try and be outside as much as possible as the noise of trees, traffic, etc help to absorb the droning.

SnotQueen · 14/05/2015 14:19

Oh that sounds fun - poor you.
If I'm at home and someone is bugging me, there is always something that needs urgently doing....and I jump up apologising and say 'Oh dear, Ive just remembered!' And run away to another part of the house and MN
Sure they think I'm scatty but I can live with it!

CaTsMaMmA · 14/05/2015 14:21

I walk the dogs a lot or spend HOURS cooking in the kitchen, when my ILs are visiting, they never really want to go anywhere or see anything. They just want to carry on their life in my house. So tea and coffee at prescribed times, papers to be read, tv programmes to be watched.

I just provide tea and cakes on tap to mess with their schedule and leave them to their own devices really.

CaTsMaMmA · 14/05/2015 14:23

snot queen...that just reminded me...I often gather up the laptop to check emails MN &FB in the kitchen, so the tapping on the keyboard doesn't bother them.

Original poster
tomatoesarered · 14/05/2015 14:24

Great tips thanks. I am feeling slightly better. I think you are right that I have to just stop caring Nighteyes. My opinion of her is awful so what do I care what she thinks of me? I have never met anyone quite so draining.

OP posts:
CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 14/05/2015 14:29

Smile and nod....and repeat....

SnotQueen · 14/05/2015 15:19

CaTs you are just being thoughtful Grin

Charlotte3333 · 14/05/2015 15:29

Fortunately MIL and I get on very well, but she had so many opinions on everything and freely criticises everyone, I just smile and say "thankfully not everyone feels like you do" or "well, it's a shame you're so unhappy, but I doubt so-and-so gives a shit what you think so maybe you shouldn't be so het up about it?". I daresay she hates my guts. But I'm the wife of her darling son and the mother to her grandchildren, there's not much she can do to irk me.

It's easier said than done but sometimes in life you just need to call a spade a spade; she'll suggest stuff sometimes and rather than be diplomatic and kind (which I try to be, when I can), I just say no. No explanations, no excuses. Just no. I'm sure she must hate it. But I don't feel the need to pander to anyone, and after a while she's become used to it.

CMOTDibbler · 14/05/2015 15:37

'Mmmm what a shame you feel like that'. Repeat. Repeat. Count up the number of times you say this and post about it. Just think of her as a whingy toddler where you aren't going to give them attention for negative behaviour. If she is nice/positive, then really engage with her

SilverBirch2015 · 14/05/2015 15:51

Some people's only conversational style is to moan. Some older women I know seem to thrive on it, and it is almost seen as a sin to something positive. I sense that they see someone like me as a bit of a Pollyanna and I can see them wince if I am too positive or enthusiastic about something.

Sucks the oxygen right out of me, I'm afraid. My technique is patronising sympathy, what they want is you to share their gloom which I avoid at all cost. Insincere oh dear, what a shame, you have such bad luck, can I do anything to help enables me to rise above it.

CrapBag · 14/05/2015 16:54

I'm sympathising with you. My MIL is also a barrel of laughs Hmm. I'm sick of her moaning about something constantly, then if she hears something she doesn't want to or doesn't get the sympathy she is after there will be the emotional blackmailing texts of "oh you've made me cry now" crap. DH completely ignores this, says oh well or is quite blunt with the "but you didn't actually like him" when she has split up again with a man that she didn't actually like and we didn't know she was back together with but feels the need to message and tell us, then she just cried about it. Hmm Now she has the hump with DH because he hasn't offered her sympathy for said break up. She'll come crawling back like she always does when she wants him to visit her next week. It's the same every time.

I don't get involved, I don't bother to go and visit her, she doesn't come here that often and I leave it to DH to deal with because it's his mother. She gets on my nerves with her poor me attitude. However if I ever say anything negative I get "oh well never mind" back from her (when it's actually not an oh well never mind issue). Maybe you need to try that. She moans "oh well never mind" and carry on what you are doing. Keep repeating. I'd say she may get the message but mine certainly doesn't.

Fatmomma99 · 14/05/2015 16:55

There are some good ideas here, I think I esp like CMOTDibbler's idea of coming back here and telling us all about it. (and that's cutting me own throat!)

And the NightEyes idea of using "we" a lot.

But I agree with lots of the ideas and techniques here. And I think SilverBirch is right too.... There are simply people who enjoy talking in a negative way, without realizing how it can demoralize people around them.

Def agree it's your OH's problem too.

My two suggestions are: Try and put things back on her so she might think of some solutions, so that she's not just listing all the ills, but also is encouraged to think creatively to turn negatives into positives. (That might not be possible).

And
would it work to have some topics of conversation that you can debate. Things where whether or not you agree, you can have an interest in talking about together. I don't mean thing you massively care about, but some neutral topics. Politics, maybe or things to plant in your garden or celeb stuff?

Otherwise, stick her in front of the telly and get LOTS of wine in! (and do come back and let us know how it went, and esp anything that worked for you!).

Good luck.

farewellfigure · 14/05/2015 17:11

How old are the DC? Can they help? Can they be primed to nag nag nag nag Granny to play Lego, cards, do colouring, read to them etc etc until she gives in and gives you a bit of peace? I mean REALLY nag until she's so embarrassed at saying no she gives in.

Now if they're teenagers that might not work so well. I'm thinking aged 4-10 maybe...

Eltonjohnsflorist · 14/05/2015 17:13

Sympathy. Mil is the same- whenever she walks through our door the first thing she says is how awful the journey was. Barely any niceties

My friend is also driving me mad with her constant whinging and dramatics. I swear nothing is ever calm and happy for that woman.

ollieplimsoles · 14/05/2015 17:17

Much sympathy op my MIL is really bad for this,

usually I ignored her constant complaining (and her going around my house tidying it while complaining about how I 'should get it sorted')

But then my grandparents were in a car accident, my Grandad is was already very unwell on top of that and my nan was in such a state. They NEVER once complained. The only time I saw my nan cry was when she went for a walk outside and she told me she was 'happy just to enjoy fresh air again'.

From then on I decided to call her out on her bullshit complaints, my DH usually always did anyway but I used to cover for her and protect her. But why! There are people really suffering with illnesses in this world and she is in perfect health, with a good job, two lovely sons, a brand new house being renovated. So I just started telling her to stop complaining. Weight off my mind ever since.

Swipe left for the next trending thread