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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to ask for ideas for quick responses to MILs constant negativity

56 replies

tomatoesarered · 14/05/2015 13:52

She is coming to stay this weekend (duty visit) and I am dreading her always droning an about how hard her life is (even though it's not), how much harder SILs life is compared to ours (it's not), if we say anything positive she will reply with some story to make out we are so lucky. From the minute she arrives she will moan about the journey, the car, the weather, some ache or pain. She will not talk to the dc. She will hover around me because she cannot talk to her own son and he cannot talk to her and I will have to make ALL the conversation. I will feel on edge if the dc misbehave as she has such a rigid idea of behaviour and etiquette. I just need some ideas to make it more bearable!

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 19/05/2015 14:02

'the frustrating thing is that she categorically refuses to do anything to help herself'

Yes, same here with MIL. She's full of bitterness and disappointment in life. It's sad to see. She's so angry and bitter that it feels like she's almost gone past the point where she could be happy, and is just more comfortable with the status quo now. You have to put your own sanity first though Sad

ConfusedInBath · 19/05/2015 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheAnalyst · 20/05/2015 03:47

My MIL is cripplingly hard work. She can be very interesting to talk to, particularly about art/the theatre, but she has the world's worst martyr complex ("I coulda been a contender but this random bad and unfair thing happened years ago and cost me my chance at X"), she never, ever listens and if she is not the centre of attention then she will either go out of her way to inconvenience you, ask a really awkward question or start an argument.

Sample convo:

MIL to DW: "Can I put my clothes in the washing machine with yours?" (Washing machine has been going a while)
DW: "There's not much point now, it's almost done, they won't get washed."
MIL: "But I wanted to wear these tomorrow."
DW: "That doesn't change the fact that they won't really have been washed properly if you put them in now".
MIL (sulking): "I'll do a later load then."
(comes over to me, looking at laundry basket with DD's stuff in)
MIL: "Maybe I can combine these clothes with my clothes later."
Me: "Sounds good"
MIL: "I just wanted to put my clothes in with DW's."
Me: "Yes, but they wouldn't have got clean."
MIL: "But I just thought I'd throw 'em in."
Me: "MIL, I see where you're coming from but your clothes won't get clean."
MIL: "But we'd planned to do our clothes in the same wash."
Me (losing patience): "Well, it looks like that didn't happen. What are you going to do about it?"

Another one from today:

DW (to me): How come your pyjamas are in the wash? I thought they were clean.
Me: I think they were just close to the rest of the stuff that was going to go in the wash, so I chucked them in.
MIL (shouting from the next room): Do you want me to find DD's pyjamas?
DW: I'm talking about DH's pyjamas, mum.
MIL: I could go look for you if you want.
DW: We're not talking about that, mum, this is DH's pyjamas.
MIL: Seriously, I'll go find them.
DW: Mum, that's NOT it. I can barely hear you from the other room either!
MIL: Have it your way. I was just trying to help.

Any five-minute silence will be filled with offers that sound lovely but in reality are logistically highly improbable (we have newborn twins, a 3 year old, and DW is the only driver in the house who can do anything more than very short trips):

MIL: You know, I was thinking of taking you all out to town for brunch. Wouldn't that be fabulous?
DW: That's a great offer but it'll be so hard to get everyone out of the house, and I have to tandem-breastfeed pretty much hourly right now.
MIL (displeased): Fine.

If you combine all this with the fact that she spends 4 hours of every other day freaking out about online law school and her computer not working and constantly calling "Brian from the technical department"... fuuuuuuuuuuu.

That said, she is great at doing all the chores for our older DD that we haven't had time for (cooking her meals, getting her dressed), so there's that to be grateful for. But by golly she is very, very trying.

TheAnalyst · 20/05/2015 03:55

I should also mention that we are in the 3rd week of a 5-week stay with her in a 2-bed apartment, so there are six of us.

TheAnalyst · 20/05/2015 03:58

To the OP: I'd agree with the person who says "That's a shame" a lot. Validating but not validating... killer. I must say that it does fall to your DH to pick up some of the slack here and maybe a word is needed - my DW and MIL clash often, but they do at least interact. If they were not on speaking terms and it was all down to me I'd go bananas.

Inkanta · 20/05/2015 04:21

'2 stop caring. I found her visits so much less stressful since I stopped caring about what she thought'

Nighteyed - you are so right there. I have often thought someone should write a self help book on how to stop caring. Maybe you could Smile

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