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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the company shouldn't tell me what to wear to funeral

75 replies

sugarman · 14/05/2015 11:22

One of my colleagues died very suddenly this week. She was in her 30s, seemed perfectly well, collapsed and died.
Naturally we are all very shocked and sad, and naturally we want to go to her funeral.
The company has emailed everyone funeral details and to instruct us to wear uniform.
Frankly this irritates me. Who the hell do they think they are to tell me what to wear to a funeral?!
Is this a thing? That companies feel they own a person even at theor funeral?

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 14/05/2015 13:46

Respect the family's traditions and wishes. It would be so insulting to do otherwise. A funeral is upsetting enough without the attendees doing something to cause offence. It's the sort of thing that will stay with the mourners and make an already bad day, worse Seemingly insignificants things do stay with you at these times. Everything is in sharp focus due to the grief.

I'd also talk to the other attendees and urge them not to wear the work sanctioned gear either. Disgusting attitude of the department involved.

ComposHatComesBack · 14/05/2015 13:58

I can't believe that a government department would eben know an employee at your company had died, let alone instruct that a private company uniform was worn. Somewhere along the line someone is being economic with the truth or has the wrong end of the stick.

GloGirl · 14/05/2015 14:09

I agree with telling the funeral directors so they can have a little word with HR.

pluCaChange · 14/05/2015 14:11

If anyone at work is particularly close to the family, could that person get the family to contact the company and make explicit the inappropriateness of uniform. If the family is too distraught, perhaps a local priest of their faith could make the point formally.

If you're in a union, it would also be helpful to have his on record so there can't be any comeback against you later for "disobeying" the instruction. The unreasonableness of your company's demand (uniform out of hours, at a funeral to boot? ugh!) makes them sound as though they will be unreasonably angry at being thwarted, too, and could cause trouble even if they are reined in legally eventually.

Sorry that you have to deal with this aggro as well as the loss of your friend and colleague!

squeaver · 14/05/2015 14:14

Yes getting the funeral director to intervene is a good idea.

Anyone else really intrigued to know what company this is?

DidoTheDodo · 14/05/2015 15:02

I revise my opinion on further information.
On your own time and the family don't want it?
Definitely don't wear uniform..

FenellaFellorick · 14/05/2015 15:05

It's just revolting, isn't it? It is outrageous that a company basically says screw the bereaved, we're going to fly the flag and it doesn't matter to us that this will upset or anger the family of the person who passed away. How they feel doesn't matter.

I do, squeaver.

Bambambini · 14/05/2015 15:23

So what is the uniform then so that folk can decide?

AreYouSureGeorgeBernard · 14/05/2015 15:45

I'm sorry for your loss.

It would be totally inappropriate to wear the uniform and entirely up to you what you wear to a funeral attended in your own time.

If I were in your shoes I'd check with the family or funeral director to ensure they've no other cultural or personal preferences. Some might prefer their loved one's favourite colour or an alternative to the usual black; I've found this particularly the preference when the deceased was young.

Koalafications · 14/05/2015 16:15

The grieving family's wishes would be my only concern here.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/05/2015 16:21

Definitely let the company know that it is not appropriate and you will not be obeying. And if there is any comeback from your employers I would suggest going public with the memo ordering you to advertise your company at someone's funeral, and embarrass your employer as much as possible. These businesses who consider their employees to be serfs who must obey every stupid order really do need showing up.

slanleat · 14/05/2015 16:29

A work colleague of mine died suddenly recently too. A large number of us from work attended the funeral - only a handful of staff were left running the business - and we all wore our uniforms. It was requested by the management, but I think it was nice, it showed support for him from his colleagues.

A family member of mine worked in primark, and when she died the staff formed a guard of honor at the church again all in uniform. Again I thought it was nice of them to do this. I don't know if they had been asked by primark to do it, but presumably someone decided it would be a good idea.

Mrsjayy · 14/05/2015 16:34

It seems like an insensitive crass PR excersise look how caring we are Its a saturday they cant force you it isnt a workday i wouldnt do it im very sorry for your loss

SurelyYoureJokingMrFeynman · 14/05/2015 17:57

Yes slanleat, it would be really nice in some contexts.

But it should be guided by first what the family want, and secondly what the work colleagues want. If there's a feeling of "we're her team, we're here for her", that's one thing.

Management handing down orders, going against the family's wishes, trying to "own" people's attendance at a funeral... Just no.

SouthWestmom · 14/05/2015 18:08

Just off thread but I'm really interested in which culture feels wearing uniform would be crass?
I don't see how the company can enforce this

grannytomine · 14/05/2015 18:08

I don't think the company can dictate but I don't think it is very nice saying it would be OK if you are military or emergency services as it shows respect but not for other jobs, I think all people who earn their living deserve respect. To some people working in a supermarket or whatever might be a job they love and they would see it as appropriate.

OP I think you should go with what the family want, that would seem most appropriate to me.

Tizwailor · 14/05/2015 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/05/2015 18:15

The difference is granny they aren't advertising a name of a company or a product. A nurse/ soldier/ firefighter could be from anywhere. no one's going to think , well I won't get sick/have a fire cos basinstoke fire department were advertising their services.

whereas turning up sporting sports direct shirts is advertising an actual shop/site/ product.

It's not disrespecting a person to think.large company or any company uniforms should not be worn to a funeral

Fluffcake · 14/05/2015 20:25

Dh is a police officer and has attended a couple of funerals of colleagues. One was a close friend the other someone on his team. Both times he and other officers wore full uniform. He said it was very moving seeing the drive to the crematorium lined with officers. This is probably the sort of thing your work are going for. However, if a close friend and you feel uncomfortable, I suggest you have a word with your boss.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/05/2015 20:36

It can be a nice, supportive thing to wear work uniform at a colleague's funeral - if the colleague loved the job (or died in the course of doing it) and was part of a close team. It can also be the case that staff can only take time off mid-shift to attend the funeral and therefore need to be in uniform. But this is a case of management ordering staff to wear uniform, in their own time, against the wishes of the bereaved family. So management can fuck right off and probably should be told as much.

Girlwhowearsglasses · 14/05/2015 21:04

That's not great. I knew someone in the police who had many many uniformed officers sobbing at her funeral. I think that's right - but I think differently when it's not the forces

chippednailvarnish · 14/05/2015 21:12

Also I believe that the Police have "formal" uniform, such as formal tunic and white gloves especially for these events...

grannytomine · 15/05/2015 09:13

The Police Force I used to work for certainly didn't have "formal" uniform for these events other than for very senior officers. We did go to funerals and people were expected to wear uniform and obviously if they were actually on duty had no option. One thing Ifound odd was when a Roman Catholic officer I had never met died and we were asked if anyone was RC so that they could attend. I wasn't sure if it was because they thought that RC church was so weird that they wouldn't know what to do or if they thought it was more respectful if people went who could take Communion. Still not sure.

I do find it slightly odd that people would be worried about what the logo refers to at a funeral, it wouldn't cross my mind but then I am usually a sobbing wreck at funerals so other people might have a clearer view than I do.

OTheHugeManatee · 15/05/2015 10:12

If the family of the deceased would find it inappropriate then don't do it. Simple. Your workplace ABVVVU

Original poster

sugarman · 16/05/2015 21:02

We've had the funeral now. it was very, very sad.

Everyone was dressed in black except for roughly half the staff (who obeyed the memo)

More importantly, staff made up roughly a third of the attendees and her husband said how much this meant to him and the rest of the family.

I felt really bad that 4 colleagues (of another culture, not hers or mine) arrived half way through the service. The two cultures clash and the latecomers behave in a very superior manner to the deceased's. There has been a bit of trouble brewing at work because of this.

OP posts:

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