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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DH?

77 replies

DisappointedOne · 13/05/2015 20:24

DH lives a pretty charmed life. He works hard, and earns good money doing something he finds pretty easy. However, it often means he's working on projects for several clients at a time and he's often sat on the sofa rather than the purpose built office he insisted on building from 9am till midnight working on his laptop ( to the exclusion of everything and everyone else).

On top of this he has a pretty healthy social life and is out one night a week with one hobby (hobby 1), 2 other evenings a month (minimum) on another (hobby 2), at least 2 weekend days a month on another hobby (6am - 4pm-ish: hobby 3) and regular half day trips out with his biker mates. He also has a weekend away around every other month, and is booked for a week abroad next month for hobby 3. He is used to being able to arrange what he likes without consultation knowing that I'll be around for DD.

Even during periods of normal working hours he's pretty lazy around the house. I'm not a neat freak, but it falls to me to do everything, including car and home maintenance etc. I may have a couple of evenings out a year to see a show or band. I haven't been away for a break on my own. I've been studying for a degree for the past 8 months which is something I want to do for me and I find him pretty unsupportive. (I have an online tutorial for 1 hour per week, and he sulks because he could be out doing something related to hobby 3.)

We have a 4.5 year old DD, who has a sleepover at my parents' house about once a month.

DH's family have shown repeatedly that they couldn't give a shiny shit about DD. Visits to them (250 miles away) have dwindled now that DD is at school full time. Their idea of childcare and mine are poles apart.

Think that's all the background.

I arranged a long weekend away to enable me to relax do some uninterrupted revision before my exam. It's the same weekend as an activity he has planned with his brother around 150 miles from home. Plan was for DD to have a sleepover with my parents and as he'd just be away for one night that would be okay.

A relative of mine needs emergency surgery a long way from where they live. They are my nan's carer, so while they're gone my parents will need to go and look after her (200 miles away). It's possible (but by no means guaranteed) that they'll be away the weekend that we've both planned to be away. So I suggested to DH that he warn his brother that he may have to pull out, and perhaps he could see whether a mate of his could go instead. DH heard that and instead had concocted a plan whereby he drives 250 miles with DD to his parents' house, stays overnight, then drives 150 miles with his brother to the activity, they stay over (as planned), leaving DD for around 36 hours with PIL (who she's never stayed with on her own for an hour, never mind overnight) before driving back up to collect her and then drive back home that night. I've suggested that's not fair on DD and I'm not that thrilled about the extra £200 worth of fuel he'll burn. He says it's none of my business because I'm "fucking off elsewhere".

So, who is BU?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/05/2015 09:25

He is not treating you like an equal; in his world you are a second class citizen. Are you happy to be treated like that? What would you say to DD if you saw her being treated this way by her partner?

Phoenix0x0 · 14/05/2015 10:23

The more you write the worse it sounds.

You are being treated like a second class citizen and everything is about him....His needs, his wants.

Are you happy?

AyeAmarok · 14/05/2015 10:27

He sounds like an arse. Basically he wants a family, as long as he doesn't actually have to have anything to do with it. And doesn't even have to look after himself. You sound like his skivvy.

ItsADinosaur · 14/05/2015 10:27

I can't work out why you're with him.

AyeAmarok · 14/05/2015 10:29

Actually, reading your last post. He doesn't sound like he gives a shit about anyone but himself, least of all you.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/05/2015 10:31

No. Right now I'm very fucking unhappy. And I'm not convinced that he hasn't increased the arsiness level to sabotage my exams.

OP posts:
Balanced12 · 14/05/2015 10:32

Sounds like he needs to grow up, your not his mum and if you were he would still need sorting out!

Hope your degree goes well

BarbarianMum · 14/05/2015 10:32

^This. Your not his equal, he treats you like his servant with benefits. Sad

If you leave I don't doubt he'll be an very occasional and disney dad but I'm not sure I wouldn't prefer that anyway in your position.

flanjabelle · 14/05/2015 10:35

Ok have my first ever ltb.

It sounds like you are a second class citizen in your own bloody home and I am raging on your behalf.

I don't know how you haven't stabbed him actually. You must have the patience of a saint. Why are you still together?!

BaronessEllaSaturday · 14/05/2015 10:40

I think you have married my ex, my only advice is run away now, screaming very loudly, it will have to be loud so that he realises otherwise he won't notice till he's looking for his own clean socks or after food.

Chipshopninja · 14/05/2015 10:43

Oh op he sounds like a total wanker!! Sad

It seems you could do much better, is it because of financial reasons you haven't left.

I would never put up with being treated like that but that's easy to say when your not the one in a situation like this

I worry that there's a general feeling in society that as long as a man isn't emotionally or physically abusive and doesn't cheat then there's no reason for a woman to leave

Fact is if you're not happy an he won't change there's no reason why you can't make the break and change your life for the better

Phoenix0x0 · 14/05/2015 10:59

Why is he trying to sabotage your exams?

Phoenix0x0 · 14/05/2015 11:01

Would it be that this would enable you to become more independent financially?

If you are not happy then leave.

You sound really nice and deserve so much more.

(Why not ask that this thread be moved to the relationship board?)

InfiniteJest · 14/05/2015 11:19

Do you think he said DD can stay with his parents as he knows that will be unacceptable to you, and he's hoping to force you into saying you will cancel your weekend? (That way he can act blameless as it was 'your decision')?

He sounds like he's always turning things around to make them look like your fault, your responsibility, your problem. I couldn't happily live with somebody who treated me that way.

Mutley77 · 14/05/2015 11:26

OK your updates change my view. Particularly his clear lack of feelings and respect for you around the birthdays etc. Doesn't sound as if there's much love in the marriage.

If I were you i would no longer agree to work for his business, I would pursue my own career. Especially as you mention you have your own money so aren't financially dependent on your h or the business. You can of course work outside the home as an unsupported or single parent and pay for childcare as the rest of us do Wink

I would then leave as a trial separation with a view to formalising it. However you will have to accept that during his contact, if he fulfils it, he can choose to take your dd to spend time with his parents, or indeed leave her with them. Not that I'm saying that's a reason for you to stay but you need to just have it all straight in your head (and poss seek legal advice) before you make a move.

LittleBearPad · 14/05/2015 11:37

What does he say when you say his behaviour (ie dinner etc) isn't acceptable? Do you? Has he always been like this?

whothehellknows · 14/05/2015 11:58

OMG, run, OP, run! Seriously, life is so much more cool without an adult child to look after.

I mean, by all means cook someone dinner because you love them and they'd do the same for you-- but that doesn't sound like what you have.

Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/05/2015 12:09

Beans on toast is about the limit of his culinary capability. I've never really minded as i enjoy cooking (and I like beans on toast, not that he's cooked anything for me for years) but it's the assumption that I'll make dinner every night to fit in with his plans that fucks me off. When he told me he'd told the neighbour to come over (note, he didn't check in about that before hand) I said "but we haven't eaten". He ignored that, and then at 11pm had a go because i didn't cook!

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/05/2015 12:13

It gets worse when he's stressed. I never get an apology.

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/05/2015 12:17

He will always try and justify his behaviour, usually citing my lack of organisation or that I "swan around doing what I want to do". He gets very aggrieved if we can't just drop everything when he family summon (e.g., they arranged a christening with 2 weeks notice and we already had plans that involved other people that I didn't think it fair to drop at the last minute to travel 500+ miles.) It's my fault that his parents can't look after DD. Nothing to do with the fact that they don't bother coming here and when we go up there we're there so they don't need to! They've never shown any interest in her anyway, so no, I'm in no hurry to leave DD with them!

OP posts:
Original poster
DisappointedOne · 14/05/2015 12:22

The degree makes no difference to me professionally or financially. It's purely for interest, for me. However, because I didn't expressly check with him that he was happy for me to start it, he doesn't like that I'm doing it. I have till now had a 1 hour tutorial once a week, the day that my parents have DD after school. She comes home during the tutorial, so it's not ideal for me to have to be the one doing bedtime, which is what happens if he's out doing his weekend hobby that night. So I asked him not to go, but I get whinging about it every week. On occasion I've agreed to compromise and let him go, despite the disruption that causes me. i get no credit for that.

Last night we were mid discussion argument and he just put one of his programmes on the telly!

Am avoiding the kitchen today. I don't trust myself with the knives.

OP posts:
BaronessEllaSaturday · 14/05/2015 12:26

My comment earlier was slightly tongue in cheek but the feeling of freedom and relief when the fog finally lifted after I left my ex was brilliant. His treatment of you as a second class citizen is emotional abuse, it is demeaning you and will probably have affected your confidence though you may not see that until you are free. It sounds like he has no respect for you or consideration. You mentioned that he was the one who had wanted a child not you, do you think that might have been because he views a woman with a child as tied down and limited and that he was trying to limit your options?

Phoenix0x0 · 14/05/2015 12:35

disappointed

You sound unhappy and ground down.

He is not loving, does have your best interests at heart and is not a good father.

He is self centred and treats you like a skivvy...

When you said 'because I didn't check with him if he was happy for me to do it, he doesn't like me doing it' speaks volumes.

Seriously, ask yourself this.....would you be happier apart....I think you will anwser yes...

higherhill · 14/05/2015 12:40

Yes the more you have posted about him the worse it sounds..feeling cross on your behalf. how is your daughter in all of this? Does she talk about Daddy much, do you think she notices how unavailable he is?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 14/05/2015 12:41

Bit of perspective for you OP.

I'm a single parent. My DD is 1 and very lively. Her father isn't involved. I generally get a few hours of help from family once a week. I volunteer one morning a week. I study 5 evenings a week from home. Around this lot, I keep a fairly clean and tidy home and cook most meals 'from scratch', which can take a lot of time. I occasionally go on additional courses and have eveng exams every couple of months.

And even I get more down time than you.

Your DH may as well not be around...it seems all he's contributing is money and aggravation.

First things first, I'd make him very clear on the fact that you're not running a free of charge cafe. He doesn't get to ask you at 11pm what it is you're going to cook him.

Then, if you're going to stay with him (and I'd be very blumming tempted not to at this point), he needs to spend a day each weekend caring for his DD. She comes before the hobbies.