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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH?

77 replies

DisappointedOne · 13/05/2015 20:24

DH lives a pretty charmed life. He works hard, and earns good money doing something he finds pretty easy. However, it often means he's working on projects for several clients at a time and he's often sat on the sofa rather than the purpose built office he insisted on building from 9am till midnight working on his laptop ( to the exclusion of everything and everyone else).

On top of this he has a pretty healthy social life and is out one night a week with one hobby (hobby 1), 2 other evenings a month (minimum) on another (hobby 2), at least 2 weekend days a month on another hobby (6am - 4pm-ish: hobby 3) and regular half day trips out with his biker mates. He also has a weekend away around every other month, and is booked for a week abroad next month for hobby 3. He is used to being able to arrange what he likes without consultation knowing that I'll be around for DD.

Even during periods of normal working hours he's pretty lazy around the house. I'm not a neat freak, but it falls to me to do everything, including car and home maintenance etc. I may have a couple of evenings out a year to see a show or band. I haven't been away for a break on my own. I've been studying for a degree for the past 8 months which is something I want to do for me and I find him pretty unsupportive. (I have an online tutorial for 1 hour per week, and he sulks because he could be out doing something related to hobby 3.)

We have a 4.5 year old DD, who has a sleepover at my parents' house about once a month.

DH's family have shown repeatedly that they couldn't give a shiny shit about DD. Visits to them (250 miles away) have dwindled now that DD is at school full time. Their idea of childcare and mine are poles apart.

Think that's all the background.

I arranged a long weekend away to enable me to relax do some uninterrupted revision before my exam. It's the same weekend as an activity he has planned with his brother around 150 miles from home. Plan was for DD to have a sleepover with my parents and as he'd just be away for one night that would be okay.

A relative of mine needs emergency surgery a long way from where they live. They are my nan's carer, so while they're gone my parents will need to go and look after her (200 miles away). It's possible (but by no means guaranteed) that they'll be away the weekend that we've both planned to be away. So I suggested to DH that he warn his brother that he may have to pull out, and perhaps he could see whether a mate of his could go instead. DH heard that and instead had concocted a plan whereby he drives 250 miles with DD to his parents' house, stays overnight, then drives 150 miles with his brother to the activity, they stay over (as planned), leaving DD for around 36 hours with PIL (who she's never stayed with on her own for an hour, never mind overnight) before driving back up to collect her and then drive back home that night. I've suggested that's not fair on DD and I'm not that thrilled about the extra £200 worth of fuel he'll burn. He says it's none of my business because I'm "fucking off elsewhere".

So, who is BU?

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Original poster

DisappointedOne · 13/05/2015 21:30

They haven't said they'll have her. They haven't even been asked. This is a plan concocted by DH and BIL (who will dump his children with them at every opportunity).

When DD was 4 weeks old we took her up here and FIL said to her he was sorry she was a girl because she'd never be any good at football. He got the sharp edge of my tongue for that, but he still swears and makes sexist and racist comments around the kids. He taught my niece to thump another nephew if he fell over her while he was toddling. Hence DD seeing them (every 8 weeks till last Sept - we made the effort) but not being left with them.

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higherhill · 13/05/2015 21:42

Normal families just do not live like this. How do you stand for all this crap? constantly running second to his hobbies and social life, not to mention the fact that your daughter never gets a look in. she might not notice it now but give her a couple of years and she'll notice that Daddy doesn't make time for her and always puts himself first. I think deep down you can see this isn't normal or right. May as well be a single parent.

higherhill · 13/05/2015 21:44

And definately don't let him take daughter to ILs for sleep over. They sound dreadful.

ItsADinosaur · 13/05/2015 22:11

What is the point of him? Does he want to be a husband or a parent as he doesn't behave like one. You're supposed to be a team!

You might as well be a single parent, infact life would probably be easier as you wouldn't be having to deal with his shit. He sounds useless and selfish.

Dublinlass · 13/05/2015 22:39

I feel really sorry for you. I'm sorry but he sounds like a real gobshite. You seem to be doing far too much to accomdate him. I don't really know what else to say

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 13/05/2015 22:54

Thnaks everyone. It's not always like this, but it is getting worse.

Biggest problem is that I'll be away for longer, so couldn't stop him taking her up there and leaving her if it came to it. (I would seriously consider kicking him out if he does though.)

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Original poster

DisappointedOne · 13/05/2015 22:57

He's just asked me what's for dinner. It's 11pm.

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Original poster

DisappointedOne · 13/05/2015 22:58

He's now stomping around the kitchen making beans on toast after "having to get his own lunch too".

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ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/05/2015 23:06

He sounds like he is turning into his Dad. You aren't his housekeeper; when was the last time he made a meal for you?

Is he actually working at home or is he hiding behind the laptop in the evenings to avoid his fair share?

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 13/05/2015 23:07

And here come the fireworks. Apparently, my objecting to him telling the neighbour to come around and mentioning that we hadn't eaten was me accepting responsibility for making dinner. I think he's lost it.

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MidniteScribbler · 13/05/2015 23:14

What exactly do you get out of this relationship?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 13/05/2015 23:14

He sounds like the sort of person who rewrites history to make himself the victim. It's tiresome (DH tries this occasionally and I stamp on it).

Fatmomma99 · 13/05/2015 23:15

Are you safe?

Sorry to be dramatic?

Fatmomma99 · 13/05/2015 23:20

Assuming that you are, and I was being a bit of a drama queeeeeen in the last post, you need to have a conversation with him.

I love MN, but this site is VERY quick to tell you to dump people from your life.
If you or your DD are at risk of harm I'd agree with cutting him out. Otherwise I'd say if you had a relationship which was important enough to bring a child into the world, it's a relationship you should work to improve. I hate to say this (particularly because of a recent thread) but is he very young?

This man does need to understand what being a father means. And a husband/life partner.

Have a conversation (not an angry rant). If he doesn't 'get it', then pps are right, and you would be better off being a single mum.

And given your post, you'd be awesome at it!

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 14/05/2015 00:11

Yes, we're safe. No, not young - almost 40.

He's thoughtless and selfish and very defensive of his family. He grew up with a mother that does what she's told so I don't think he knows what to do with a woman that doesn't.

I'm supposed to know what his work entails and how hard it all is. He doesn't like being reminded that he has other responsibilities too. (One of the reasons he is so busy now is because he had Friday and Monday off for a trip away.)

I'm not feeling much love for anyone but DD at the moment. I would never be without her, but I don't think he gets how having her has changed me. He nagged me for years to have a baby, and now all he demonstrates is that his needs are most important because he brings in the most money. (I have money of my own and in the house.)

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Mutley77 · 14/05/2015 00:41

Just another point of view. You seem to have a pretty charmed life too (not that there's anything wrong with that) and to be honest looking after one school aged child and the house, and doing a degree or work when you feel like it, sounds a fairly fair workload for one person.

Your husband does seem to work long hours (albeit I would be irritated with him sitting on the sofa all day too) which may be why he sees himself exempt from household jobs and child care.

Yes it does seem unfair that he takes more hobby time, but effectively your degree is hobby time and you presumably have six hours a day Mon to Fri to please yourself?

Perhaps if you did commit to more regular work you would find it easier to find the balance (as like you say you wouldn't be around to get his lunch).

Rather than lose it over this one weekend I think you need to address the issues of daily routines and leisure time and come to a compromise between yourselves. Including he goes to his office to work and commits to being around for certain parts of the day. Most ft working parents ime are around for breakfast or bathtime.

I also think he can leave his dd with his parents if he wants to... If the arrangements you made have fallen through you will have to let him make his arrangements or cancel your plans if you're not happy with what he suggests. While I can more than sympathise with your il issues it doesn't sound like your dd would be at risk with them (any more than with your dh...). I think the fact you are annoyed with him in general is clouding the issue of the weekend.

If you really can't compromise just leave him now to save the potential years of conflict and tension you will be exposing your dd to.

SugarOnTop · 14/05/2015 01:59

ever thought of giving him an ultimatum - i.e 'grow the fuck up and accept your responsibilities or fuck off'?

Phoenix0x0 · 14/05/2015 07:38

My DH is by no means an angel lets just say household chores go over his head. But, your DH and the hobbies, the weekends away and the sulking....seriously?

My DH works long hours and often works on the weekend. However, he goes out with friends say once every three months or so (we all live a distance from each other) and any other time we go out as a couple/family.

If I don't want to cook, we get a take away. DH never complains. He also will take our DC out on his own when he can, to give me a break

The situation you describe, would seriously pee me off.....his behaviour is equivalent of a truculent teenager.

What do you get out of the relationship?

He treats you like a housekeeper/skivvy/mother.

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 14/05/2015 07:58

Is he actually working at home or is he hiding behind the laptop in the evenings to avoid his fair share?

He is actually working.

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Original poster

DisappointedOne · 14/05/2015 08:05

you presumably have six hours a day Mon to Fri to please yourself?

I wish! I run our business, as well as doing everything at home and taking contracts that I can fit around DD. At the moment his work is from home, but he can often have to work away for clients. (E.g. He was only home late Fri night till Sunday evening for the first 9 months of DD's life and I had no family here then).

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Original poster

DisappointedOne · 14/05/2015 08:06

Hit post too soon (soooooooo tired!).

So it's hard for me to take normal work outside the home as there would be nobody to have DD etc. His work is steady but unpredictable.

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Original poster

DisappointedOne · 14/05/2015 08:25

Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. Far from it. But I've never been as selfish as DH.

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glenthebattleostrich · 14/05/2015 08:57

So you work outside the home, work in the business, run the house, do all the childcare and are doing a degree and he has the fucking nerve to complain that he had to make himself beans on toast at 11pm.

He works long hours but has enough time to indulge several hobbies, weekends away and nights out.

I'd replace him with a nanny, you'd get more support.

Oh and totally unrelated, I'm having a new patio done this week, it's quite large and the hole is very deep ... ... ...

Original poster

DisappointedOne · 14/05/2015 09:09

His biggest complaint is that I was "impolite" last night not to interrupt him and the neighbour at 10pm to say it was too late for me to eat so that he could at least ask me to make something for him.

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Original poster

DisappointedOne · 14/05/2015 09:12

He hasn't acknowledged my last 5 birthdays. Couldn't even be bothered to order me a card online. On mothers day this year he took DD to the shop 10 mins before they closed and all the cards had gone. I ended up with a birthday card. DD wrote it, which was lovely, but still. Was it really too much to ask? (I organised cards for his mother and mine, got DD to write hers, posted them etc.).

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