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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel rage at MIL over her eating disorder?

37 replies

ScrumpyBetty · 13/05/2015 20:15

MIL quite clearly has an anorexic type eating disorder. She weighs about 45kg at 5'7and is completely obsessed with food. She weighs herself daily, and phones DH daily to moan about the fact that she believes she has eaten too much (usually just a bowl of noodles and some vegetables) She actually eats very little in a day and has tiny portions of everything. Her dinner is normally a bowl of steamed vegetables and she will then phone DH and witter on about how she is scared she will put weight on.

I probably sound unsympathetic, I guess I am completely frustrated with the woman. She has been like this for the last 4-5 years and DH and I have tried and tried and tried to help her. We have reasoned with her, offered to pay for someone to come in and chat to her, we have offered for her to come and stay with us or even live with us (she is in her eighties and lives alone) She refuses to listen to reason, all help is refused, and I now believe there is nothing anyone can do.

I get full of rage about the affect that this has on DH. The daily phone calls, which wear him down and which are completely pointless. DH repeats himself- you are not eating enough, we are worried about you- etc etc, and MIL repeats herself- but I'm eating too much, I shouldn't have had that big bowl of veggies- etcetera- it is like two people talking to a wall. DH is getting so fed up of it now, but he is a kind and patient man and will always talk to her.

MIL is coming to stay for a few weeks in June and I know she will eat tiny portions of whatever I cook and then moan for hours about how she will put weight on and how she never eats so much at home. I know she has a problem, but AiBU to feel like slapping her? I know I am BU, and I know she needs help, but will never accept it. She is wearing DH down with worry and we all worry that she will get seriously ill, but what can we do to help?

OP posts:

Mumteadumpty · 13/05/2015 20:19

YANBU to feel like this, it sounds exhausting. Have you or your DH spoken to her GP?

Original poster

ScrumpyBetty · 13/05/2015 20:26

She has loads of health problems (probably a lot of them related to the fact that she is so underweight) and is in and out of her GP every week. Her brother is actually the equivalent of a GP- in a different country, they are very close and speak daily and he tries to help her, but again to no avail- she refuses to accept she has a problem.

OP posts:

Schmoozer · 13/05/2015 20:28

An eating disorder IS a serious illness, so u worry she will get seriously ill, she already is !!!
She needs specialist help.
Alert her GP surgery. Your DH won't be able to help her overcome it, reassurance and chivvying along won't be enough.
Get help for her.

BarbarianMum · 13/05/2015 20:28

YANBU

If she is coming to stay for a few weeks then I think your dh should lay down some ground rules first. She can eat, or not, as she chooses but no discussing her weight with either of you. Then enforce this.

RiskManagement · 13/05/2015 20:30

She's in her 80s but this has only stared in the last 4-5 years?

If she's seeing her GP regularly I would think he's already addressed it with her but DH could try ringing him. He won't discuss it but it will be flagged for next time she's in.

Original poster

ScrumpyBetty · 13/05/2015 20:34

schmoozer yes, good points, we will alert GP surgery. I don't know why we haven't thought of this already

barbarianmum great idea, thank you, we will definately enforce this ground rule when she comes to stay

OP posts:

Bunbaker · 13/05/2015 20:34

Where does it say she is in her 80s?

OttiliaVonBCup · 13/05/2015 20:37

If she's in her 80s then she might have some physical health issues, not ED.

Original poster

ScrumpyBetty · 13/05/2015 20:38

riskmanagement she has always been very controlling about food, DH says that this got worse when her husband died. She is also incredibly anxious about everything and her anxiety has got really bad in the last 10 years, and the food thing I think is related to her anxiety.

OP posts:

PeachyPants · 13/05/2015 20:38

It's very difficult dealing with someone you care about who is harming themselves but it must be terrible for her to be so tormented and constrained by these fears. I agree that you and DH need to set firmer boundaries and avoid your relationship with her being dominated by food, I think your husband needs to speak to her about the phone calls and make it clear that he won't listen to protracted complaints around eating and weight, it's not helping her and it's damaging their relationship and his wellbeing.

Eltonjohnsflorist · 13/05/2015 20:39

I think it's more common that we expect to develop a Ed later in life. Loss of control, attention, loneliness

I don't see the point in speaking to her gp surgery- they won't be interested in speaking to you. She may well be getting help, but how about your H having a frank chat with her when she comes? No point pretending you haven't noticed

Mintyy · 13/05/2015 20:39

Yanbu to feel the rage sometimes! It is such an emotional strain on family members when someone has mental health issues like this.

I just wondered could she be in the early stages of alzheimers as well as in the grip of an eating disorder? The repeating and not listening is infuriating but also sets off a few alarm bells for me.

Is there any way you can postpone her visit?

Bunbaker · 13/05/2015 20:39

Oops. I missed that point.

Mintyy · 13/05/2015 20:42

"we have offered for her to come and stay with us or even live with us (she is in her eighties and lives alone)"

for Bunbaker.

jellymaker · 13/05/2015 20:48

Elderly anorexia is a more and more recognised condition. I worked in elderly care for a long time. It s commonly linked with dementia. She or your dh definitely needs to speak to her GP. I am not sure any amount of advice from you will help. This needs specialist help from a psychogeriatrician. She is ill.As frustrated as you are, try to change your own narrative about this to one of illness. It will help you be patient.

Schmoozer · 13/05/2015 20:48

It sounds like the GP surgery has regular contact with her,
It may be helpful for their assessment / helping her access appropriate health care to be informed of what you aware of, as she may not be conveying that to the surgery,
For confidentiality reasons, they won't comment about her, but WILL be interested in hearing revelant details about her presentation.
An ED requires specialist assessment and intervention.
A " frank chat" with you DH isn't likely to cut the mustard here I Fear,

TurnItIn · 13/05/2015 20:49

YY to the Alzheimer's flag. That ones waving at me as well.

Original poster

ScrumpyBetty · 13/05/2015 20:49

Thank you jelly that was really useful advice

OP posts:

ahbollocks · 13/05/2015 20:54

Yy to dementia. And attention. Does she have carers poppinh in at all, is she lonely?

Eltonjohnsflorist · 13/05/2015 20:58

I didn't mean a frank chat telling her to pull herself together, I meant to find out what help, if any, she's getting and look at putting together a care plan

Original poster

ScrumpyBetty · 13/05/2015 21:02

aahbollock no she has no career help. We have offered time and time again to arrange for a carer to come in but she is very proud and refuses point blank.

OP posts:

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 13/05/2015 21:23

Dementia/Alzheimer's was in my head during your whole post, OP. Sorry, not trying to scare-monger, just sounds a lot like a family member before diagnosis. They would eat nothing but a few sweets, lost much weight, was talking about it over and over again (as well as other negative things on repeat, initially it was thought to be depression). Either way, she needs medical help. I can understand how frustrated you and your husband must be OP, I hope she gets the help she needs soon.

MaryBerrysLostCherry · 13/05/2015 22:06

This was my DGM. A single pancake for every meal whether she needed it or not. It was dementia related control behaviour.

MissMuesli · 13/05/2015 22:08

I've worked with people who have dementia and I also thought the same. Obviously not for everybody but people with dementia can become very self absorbed in their behaviours and very attention seeking. They also can revert to being quite infantile and needing to be "looked after" and taken care of. Has she been assessed?

MissMuesli · 13/05/2015 22:09

I don't mean that negatively by the way. It's a big part of their illness, as it repetitive behaviours.

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