AIBU to feel rage at MIL over her eating disorder?

[ScrumpyBetty]

MIL quite clearly has an anorexic type eating disorder. She weighs about 45kg at 5'7and is completely obsessed with food. She weighs herself daily, and phones DH daily to moan about the fact that she believes she has eaten too much (usually just a bowl of noodles and some vegetables) She actually eats very little in a day and has tiny portions of everything. Her dinner is normally a bowl of steamed vegetables and she will then phone DH and witter on about how she is scared she will put weight on.

I probably sound unsympathetic, I guess I am completely frustrated with the woman. She has been like this for the last 4-5 years and DH and I have tried and tried and tried to help her. We have reasoned with her, offered to pay for someone to come in and chat to her, we have offered for her to come and stay with us or even live with us (she is in her eighties and lives alone) She refuses to listen to reason, all help is refused, and I now believe there is nothing anyone can do.

I get full of rage about the affect that this has on DH. The daily phone calls, which wear him down and which are completely pointless. DH repeats himself- you are not eating enough, we are worried about you- etc etc, and MIL repeats herself- but I'm eating too much, I shouldn't have had that big bowl of veggies- etcetera- it is like two people talking to a wall. DH is getting so fed up of it now, but he is a kind and patient man and will always talk to her.

MIL is coming to stay for a few weeks in June and I know she will eat tiny portions of whatever I cook and then moan for hours about how she will put weight on and how she never eats so much at home. I know she has a problem, but AiBU to feel like slapping her? I know I am BU, and I know she needs help, but will never accept it. She is wearing DH down with worry and we all worry that she will get seriously ill, but what can we do to help?

Would she listen if a GP told her to her face that she was underweight?

I really think you should get her in for a dementia assessment. My lovely gmil was particularly controlled food wise, and got diagnosed with the early stages fairly rapidly

Why not ring the District Nurses and explain all of this as a first point of contact?

This was my mum about 6 years ago it's was sign of early alzheimers, despite having carers go in to help her deal with meals etc but she wasnt actually eating the meals. and it was her way of controlling something that she knew was out of control but couldn't understand, she then had a fall and was admitted via A&E and was malnourished and dehydrated. She'd also been seeing her gp regularly but they hadn't seen her without her coat so hadn't realised how thin shed become.

I nursed a 45yr old lady in a mental health ward a few years ago who, on top of other issues, had food control issues. She was very small at 5ftish, but like to keep her weight below 5.5st. In the year she was in the ward she suffered 3 fractures, all from very minor knocks. Her bones were very delicate and calcium-depleted from her diet.

Exactly the same symptoms in my nana. She was eventually diagnosed not with an eating disorder but with Alzhemiers.

OP. I know how distressing the never-ending phone calls and worries can become.

The same happened to my DM. She lost about 4 stone and became seriously underweight. We had carers coming in four times a day but her idea of a main meal was half a can of soup.
A five month stay in hospital with those high calorie drinks didn't help.
She's moved into a care home and has put on five kilos, so although very frail is a much healthier weight.
As others have said, it's quite common with dementia.
It seems that the combination of home cooked food and company in the home plus staff that actively encourage her to eat has made a big difference.

Jelly has some great advice, just to add my dgm had a lot of these issues the last year she lived independently (mid eighties) and none of us could persuade her otherwise, she lost a huge amount of weight. It was thought in the end to be anxiety and controlling what she could control, she couldn't talk to us about it but I think she was scared at how hard it was to cope alone and yet just as scared to lose her independence and home. Eventually she had to accept moving into a nursing home as a medical decision as she could no longer physically cope and be safe, and the manager of the home who was just brilliant with her understood this straight away, got her the right help from the right health teams and and within a few weeks she was enjoying food again and the problem never came back in the six very comfortable years she spent there.

I get it's tiring etc for Dh but that's life with elderly parents. As they get older they will be more demanding, as will we as we get older! Treat it as u would any illness and think about the level of care she needs now.

Can you try discussing it in terms of calories and nutrition rather than just food itself?

ie: "looking at your bmr your body needs (for eg) 1000 calories a day to keep you alive. You WILL NOT put an oz on if you eat that many calories but your body will keep functioning"

Perhaps that will keep her in control (calorie counting) without her losing any more weight? I appreciate it's still not ideal but it may be a step in the right direction

Thanks for the great advice everybody I will have a serious chat to DH and we will draw up a plan of action...I hadn't actually considered the dementia/Alzheimer's route, but it makes sense, and come to think of it, MIL does have a poor short term memory.

I hope you get something sorted soon. Sometimes people might be reluctant to speak to someone else's GP but if you go in or phone and speak to a receptionist they will get you a call back or an appointment. Good luck.