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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at mil?

30 replies

imwithspud · 13/05/2015 11:22

She had our daughter on Monday whilst me and my partner attended a funeral. When she brought her back she was telling us what they had been up to throughout the day, she mentioned that they had stopped off to visit mil's dad and that DD had woken up just before they left. I said I was surprised that she had stayed asleep during their visit because 9 times out of 10 she wakes up when you lift her out of her car seat. MIL then (reluctantly, I thought) goes on to say that she had left her in the car whilst she went in, but it was okay because she only stopped for five minutes. I didn't say anything except "oh" at the time as she dropped DD off at the wake and to be honest I was shocked that she thought leaving a 2 year old child unattended in a car was acceptable on any level.

AIBU? Even if it was for the five minutes like she claims? (Not sure I believe it was 'only' five minutes to be honest). It was a warm day as well and everyone knows how warm cars can get even in mild weather, not to mention all the stories lately about children being left in cars and how dangerous it can be. No doubt DD would have been a bit freaked out about waking up in an empty car with no idea where she was. I told my OH afterwards as he wasn't there when this conversation took place and he wasn't impressed either. Needless to say he will be having words with her about it next time he sees her.

OP posts:

CrystalHaze · 13/05/2015 11:24

I'd not be happy about a two year old being left like that. And no, 'five minutes' is never just five minutes.

YANBU

however · 13/05/2015 11:28

It would honestly depend on how far away the car was, if it was under cover and if the doors were open (car and house doors).

Floralnomad · 13/05/2015 11:28

YANBU and she wouldn't be getting the opportunity to do it again if it were my child .

kissedbyamoonbeammyarse · 13/05/2015 11:30

Depends. Was the car parked in a drive? Having had at least one child of her own, presumably MIL cracked open a window and checked on the wee one. 5 minutes can actually be 5 minutes.

Original poster

imwithspud · 13/05/2015 11:33

The car would have been parked at the kerb at the end of her dad's drive. Not sure about doors being left open.

OP posts:

Timri · 13/05/2015 11:35

I wouldn't be happy!
At least DH is on side, agrees it was out of order and is going to have words.

molyholy · 13/05/2015 11:38

Nope YADNBU - I would not be happy with this whatsoever. I would be fuming.

PeppermintCrayon · 13/05/2015 11:46

YANBU - but YWBU not to say anything when she mentioned it.

Your child could have died.
A passerby could have called police.

What the fuck was she thinking?

Original poster

imwithspud · 13/05/2015 11:47

Yeah I'm glad oh understands where I'm coming from, I doubt she checked on her to be honest especially as she said it was 'only five minutes'. Although I was slightly dumbfounded and I didn't really ask for details so that's a bit of an assumption on my part. She has raised two kids but a lot has changed over the past 25-30 years since her boys were our DD's age, there are a lot of things she's suggested since DD was born that I've said no to because times have changed and some things aren't appropriate any more.

OP posts:

Original poster

imwithspud · 13/05/2015 11:50

Yes thanks for that Peppermint, I was in a room full of grieving people at my Granddad's funeral, was feeling very fragile emotionally at the time and quite frankly I wasn't thinking straight. So forgive me if I didn't act in the way I should have. My body language towards her said it all to be honest. If it were any other situation I would have blown my top. My oh will be having strong words with her when he next speaks to her, I will be making sure of that.

OP posts:

ConfusedInBath · 13/05/2015 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappySeven · 13/05/2015 11:55

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I don't have a problem with it. I'm not going to say you are wrong to not want her to do that but I've done it with my own children and I don't see it as a risk.

Maybe you live somewhere a lot warmer than I am at the moment but this week it wouldn't have been a problem temperature wise here.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/05/2015 11:58

I'm with Happy - it wouldn't worry me too much either. I've done it with my kids - parked on the drive with windows open when it's not too hot. I know many many friends have done as well

Takingthemickey · 13/05/2015 12:06

Not unreasonable to be upset. It would be reasonable to let her know you are not comfortable with it. However I hate how posters always take things to the extreme stating they would not allow mil look after child again. People make mistakes and if everyone takes some of the extreme advice on MN there would be no happy families left.

Original poster

imwithspud · 13/05/2015 12:09

Where I was the sun way out all day and whilst it didn't feel overly warm and there was a slight breeze when outside, when we were getting in and out of cars they were quite warm and definitely required air con/windows open to avoid a sweat. Anyway I really appreciate hearing everyone's view points, my main concern really is that if she thinks it's okay to leave a two year old sleeping in the car for five minutes what stops her from leaving her for longer next time? We will ask her next time to just get her out even if she is asleep and explain the reasons why we feel it's better to that than leave her alone in the car. I'm sure it won't be a problem.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 13/05/2015 12:11

Well there you go. Your DD is fine. You can calmly let her know that you'd rather she didn't do that again. Problem solved.

WhitePhantom · 13/05/2015 12:12

It depends. If it wasn't too warm or she left window open a bit, and the car and child were in full view (ie. your mil was sitting by a window while visiting her dad and could see your dd the whole time) then I don't see a problem.

If she left her out of sight with windows closed and it was a hot day then it's obviously a VERY different story!!

Original poster

imwithspud · 13/05/2015 12:12

Yes I agree I do think it's a bit extreme to not let her look after our child again, the thought never even crossed my mind to be honest.

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 13/05/2015 12:14

I wouldn't do it but that's because a friend had a close call when her car went up in flames very quickly on the driveway and she habitually left her baby asleep in it. There is absolutely no doubt that her baby would not have survived had she been in that car and out of sight of an adult.

I would only ever leave a child strapped into a car if the windows or a door were open and I could literally see the car the whole time.

Older children who could get themselves out is a different matter, although I would still leave a window open wide enough for them to get through.

YWBU not to say anything when she mentioned it.

Lots of people get this on MN. Posters need to understand that sometimes we don't process information immediately, especially if it is shocking or upsetting in some way. You have a couple of seconds to respond in a conversation like that and sometimes that is just not long enough when there is a lot of information to process, different life experiences and perspectives to consider and when the impact of your words could be enormous and long lasting.

grannytomine · 13/05/2015 12:15

I knew a mum who left her child in the car as she unloaded the shopping. Car on drive, front door open and she put bags in kitchen and came out to see a teenager driving off. Little one woke up and started screaming, teenager panicked and stopped the car and ran off. She never did that again!

ollieplimsoles · 13/05/2015 12:16

YANBU, child left alone, anything could have happened. I would have to tell her that she should never leave my child unattended anywhere.
My mil has a bad past record of this though.

Original poster

imwithspud · 13/05/2015 12:18

WhitePhantom mil would have been sat in the living room with her dad, he's not very mobile and wouldn't have stood at the door chatting to her. Living room is at the front of the house but there are net curtains up at the window and a car parked on the drive outside the window (mil's dads, he doesn't drive it any more but refuses to get rid of it) and so mil's car wouldn't have been easily visible without physically getting up and looking out the window.

OP posts:

ollieplimsoles · 13/05/2015 12:20

So there was no way she could even see the car with your child in it? Totally stupid thing to do.

SylvaniansAtEase · 13/05/2015 12:20

You don't take chances with other people's children - you don't do ANYTHING except take the most cautious line. Because it's not your call to make. She did.

She wouldn't have told you. And not because it didn't occur to her - her hesitation told you everything you need to know - she knew you wouldn't have liked it (and wouldn't have done it yourself, by the sound of it).

So you have the 'Ooh imwithspud wouldn't like it if she knew I was doing this, but it won't hurt and they aren't going to know so what's the harm?' approach. Which is not good. And utterly disrespectful and possibly dangerous (as you've pointed out, her approaches are very different to yours).

Rather than ask her - tell her - not to leave your child unattended again, you need to point this out - that THIS is the problem. You do not want to spend the time when she has your LO wondering - worrying - that she's going to take small chances, small risks, make decisions she knows you wouldn't make because it makes her life easier. She doesn't have the right to do that and when your child is in her care, she has an obligation to do what she knows in her heart you would want and to err on the side of caution in any judgement call. If she can't do that, you can't let her have your child unattended, because you won't be able to trust her.

Littlefrenchmummy · 13/05/2015 12:22

Yanbu !!

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