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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my 'friend' is being selfish and scheming?

53 replies

hearthattack · 12/05/2015 18:56

Sorry fr the long post...I'm new to this and brevity isn't my strong point.

I'm really angry with a so called friend of mine. We've been acquaintances for a while (she's my DP's best friend's wife) and we've just moved to the same area after being miles away for years so we've started to get a bit closer lately.

DP and I are house hunting. We're expecting our first baby in October and are temporarily staying with family until we find somewhere. We're lucky that are family are so supportive and we all get on well, but none the less it's quite stressful, particularly as we've just left the city we've lived in for years where most of our friends and support networks are.

I've spoken to this friend about house hunting, what we're looking for etc, as you do. We recently found what looked like a perfect house and arranged a viewing. To our shock and surprise my friend announced that her and her husband had seen the same house on the market and decided to view it too (on the same day). Despite having been perfectly satisfied with their house before we turned up, they've now decided they want something bigger, in exactly the same area we're looking. This basically means we are looking for the same house, for the same price. It's put us in a weird situation where by I feel we're in competition with our friends to out-bid each other. Except they've already got somewhere to live, and we're about to have a baby with no home to call our own. She's asked some pretty leading questions about what our budget is and where our money is coming from. I know she's relayed some of this information (given unwittingly before I got wise) to other mutual friends. Is this weird or what??!

Am I being totally unreasonable to think this is sinister, scheming and selfish behaviour? I can't help feeling she's only decided she wants something better because she thinks we might have it and doesn't like the idea of being 'out done'. To make matters worse, she's had a fit of the histrionics about it, emailing me and my DP (seperately) about how emotional and tearful she's been thinking about it and how she feels so conflicted about wanting the best for her family and the best for us ('because we share the same space in her heart'). Apparently she's lost sleep over it and it's awful for her. Which is baffling as she's the one who's created this situation for herself, and they're not about to find themselves homeless with a tiny baby! Argh! The whole emotional rigmarole of it is exhausting and I really don't need it right now.

I'm concious that I'm probably quite sensitive at the moment, as I'm feeling pretty vulnerable and anxious about a few things. So far I've not said anything to her and just avoided any conversations about houses, and avoided seeing her too often tbh. Just checking in with the world to see if I'm going mad, or whether this woman is being as mental as I suspect she is. Any thoughts about how best to deal with this (rather adolescent) situation?

OP posts:
AuntyMag10 · 12/05/2015 19:01

I wouldn't be telling her or her dp any personal info anymore. Just keep your distance as she doesn't really seem like a friend.

flora717 · 12/05/2015 19:02

It was all sounding fairly normal (look at your house when a friend starts looking and think, yeah i could move) until she's losing sleep over it. That's weird!
Definitely be cagey over finances, that's not relevant to her. Nosey mare.
You have no chain. You are in a better position to get on with it.
Good luck

lastuseraccount123 · 12/05/2015 19:03

Wow, that's weird. But is it possible they were genuinely looking for another house and genuinely fell for this one?

However, the questioning of your budget etc is weird and underhand. There's nothing wrong with them looking for the same type of house and the same area, but not being upfront about that is a red flag in my book.

What does your DH think? IMO he'd be better to deal with this not you, as you say you're emotional etc and it's his BF.

WhoNickedMyName · 12/05/2015 19:06

I was really 'meh' until you got to the bit about emailing you and your DH with that shit.

Don't tell her anything!! You're chain free, she hasn't even got her house on the market yet. Don't worry about it but don't discuss anything except the weather and the time of day with her in future.

VikingLady · 12/05/2015 19:07

Lie and say you're now looking further afield, so she doesn't have to feel so conflicted? Pick a nearby suburb/town that could be realistic. Then hopefully she'll transfer her interest and you can carry on peacefully Smile

StupidBloodyKindle · 12/05/2015 19:07

In your shoes I would simply:

make my viewings
put in my offers
do my surveys
and not tell her a word.about any of the above

quite simply, do not discuss your plans with her or mutual friends. Do not comment on what she shares with you, although nothing stopping you viewing houses she is viewing, what's good for the goose
No more financial details to be shared
Your other half doesn't share with bf either

And you do not mention where you are buying or that you have closed a.deal until you are collecting the key, have swapped contracts and are moving in Grin

Otherwise anything falling through or any gazumping and you are going to be looking over your shoulder every time.

good luck Shamrock

VikingLady · 12/05/2015 19:07

She sounds like a loon btw!

Original poster
hearthattack · 12/05/2015 19:09

It's all the over-emotional tears, sleepless nights, woe is me stuff that's really doing my head in if I'm honest flora717. If they'd just come to us and said what they were doing, fair enough. She's quite well known for being rather emotional. It's what makes me feel suspicious of her motives.

I feel like I'm doubting my sanity and feeling guilty for upsetting her when it should be the other way around. Hoping for more support than self interest. Oh well.

OP posts:
NRomanoff · 12/05/2015 19:09

I am not sure on this one.

I think she is being insincere with the emails about feeling awful etc. I as assume she has been told what she has done has upset you or she has realised it herself.

But I also don't think they should put off moving until you find somewhere. If they want to move, they want to move. People move to bigger properties all the time. What if you don't find anything you like? should they hold on until you find the right house. I find the wording sinister, scheming and selfish a bit ott.

Really I think you both are being a bit unreasonable.

Optimist1 · 12/05/2015 19:09

Wow, she sounds like the sort of person you won't want to be part of your support network in your new location, OP! Has your DP checked with hers that they're serious about this move? Hopefully it's just a passing whim on her part.

AnyFucker · 12/05/2015 19:15

if she hasn't yet sold her existing house then you are leaps and bounds ahead of them

just ignore the drama and get on with your own life, keeping her out of it

GilbertBlytheWouldGetIt · 12/05/2015 19:16

Have I read it right, that she's hoping to buy the exact same house you're interested in? Shock not cool.

sonjadog · 12/05/2015 19:16

You get on with your purchase and move without telling them. You tell them when you have bought. They get on with their purchase on their own.

Don't tell them your financial business. Don't tell anyone. It should be private.

Ignore the emails or make vague soothing noises.

Original poster
hearthattack · 12/05/2015 19:17

Fair enough. I'm pretty pregnant and this won't be the first time I've been unreasonable about something in the last few months. I don't expect them not to move. I just don't want to be drawn in to someone else's self-penned episode of Eastenders over it all.

My DP says he's never let anything she says get under his skin or he's spend his life annoyed. He suspects her husband isn't all that keen on moving anyway.

OP posts:
londonrach · 12/05/2015 19:19

Very strange! Say nothing. If you say anything tell her about the worse house yiu seen and how amazing it is...how much its worth with it cold and hot running damp...Grin

Original poster
hearthattack · 12/05/2015 19:20

Yes, the exact same house. We've decided to back off to avoid any hassle.

OP posts:
SocialMediaAddict · 12/05/2015 19:23

How bizarre. You are in a much better position though.

RoganJosh · 12/05/2015 19:23

But if you back off she could keep doing it with every house you look at?
Unless you don't tell her anything, I suppose.

BolshierAyraStark · 12/05/2015 19:24

You're at a huge advantage as in you're not in a chain, plesse ignore the loons behaviour & concern yourself with finding a lovely new home for your family-tell the so called friend fuck all about any of it.

Original poster
hearthattack · 12/05/2015 19:26

Well, consensus seems to be she's being weird an I'm a bit over sensitive. No surprises there really. Glad I'm not totally nuts to find it irritating though.

OP posts:
IrenetheQuaint · 12/05/2015 19:28

Don't back if you really want it!! Just don't tell them anything.

expatinscotland · 12/05/2015 19:28

I would start cutting this person a very wide berth indeed.

annielouise · 12/05/2015 19:32

Personally I'd lead her up the garden path - ooh, guess what XX, as we're getting a bit of family help we're looking at houses for £100,000 more. Do everything to put her off the scent completely but keep the actual house you want quiet from her. Let her overextend herself to keep up with you, silly cow. She's jealous that's all.

VoyageOfDad · 12/05/2015 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NRomanoff · 12/05/2015 19:35

Glad I'm not totally nuts to find it irritating though.

Not totally nuts. I would find it slightly annoying too.

Don't back out of the house, just because of her either though. What if you both miss out and end up going through it all again.

If you want the house go for it. If i were selling my house a first time buyer, no property to sell etc would be my first choice over someone who still needs to sell their own.

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