AIBU to think my 'friend' is being selfish and scheming?

[hearthattack]

Sorry fr the long post...I'm new to this and brevity isn't my strong point.

I'm really angry with a so called friend of mine. We've been acquaintances for a while (she's my DP's best friend's wife) and we've just moved to the same area after being miles away for years so we've started to get a bit closer lately.

DP and I are house hunting. We're expecting our first baby in October and are temporarily staying with family until we find somewhere. We're lucky that are family are so supportive and we all get on well, but none the less it's quite stressful, particularly as we've just left the city we've lived in for years where most of our friends and support networks are.

I've spoken to this friend about house hunting, what we're looking for etc, as you do. We recently found what looked like a perfect house and arranged a viewing. To our shock and surprise my friend announced that her and her husband had seen the same house on the market and decided to view it too (on the same day). Despite having been perfectly satisfied with their house before we turned up, they've now decided they want something bigger, in exactly the same area we're looking. This basically means we are looking for the same house, for the same price. It's put us in a weird situation where by I feel we're in competition with our friends to out-bid each other. Except they've already got somewhere to live, and we're about to have a baby with no home to call our own. She's asked some pretty leading questions about what our budget is and where our money is coming from. I know she's relayed some of this information (given unwittingly before I got wise) to other mutual friends. Is this weird or what??!

Am I being totally unreasonable to think this is sinister, scheming and selfish behaviour? I can't help feeling she's only decided she wants something better because she thinks we might have it and doesn't like the idea of being 'out done'. To make matters worse, she's had a fit of the histrionics about it, emailing me and my DP (seperately) about how emotional and tearful she's been thinking about it and how she feels so conflicted about wanting the best for her family and the best for us ('because we share the same space in her heart'). Apparently she's lost sleep over it and it's awful for her. Which is baffling as she's the one who's created this situation for herself, and they're not about to find themselves homeless with a tiny baby! Argh! The whole emotional rigmarole of it is exhausting and I really don't need it right now.

I'm concious that I'm probably quite sensitive at the moment, as I'm feeling pretty vulnerable and anxious about a few things. So far I've not said anything to her and just avoided any conversations about houses, and avoided seeing her too often tbh. Just checking in with the world to see if I'm going mad, or whether this woman is being as mental as I suspect she is. Any thoughts about how best to deal with this (rather adolescent) situation?

I agree with the poster above who suggested telling her that you've changed your search area so she can have the house that she likes. Don't tell her anything about any houses that you view in the future, but do mention some likely houses in the fake area.

If you like the house that you have already viewed then give it a week and ask the agent if there have been any offers. I'm willing to bet that she won't want the house anymore if she thinks you don't want it so she won't have made an offer. Then put an offer in if you want to, and swear the agent to secrecy (although I've never known an agent to reveal the identity of other buyers). Don't talk about house hunting with her again until you have exchanged and completed.

I'd take this as a warning and move elsewhere. She's going to be a fucking nightmare.

IME inherited 'friends' are always the worst. No real loyalty and underlying (Or in your case, not so underlying) competition....

Why has she been crying - have you already raised this with her?

Why are you backing off? If you like it enough to buy it put your offer in - as first time buyers with funds and mortgage agreed you are in a better place than her as she has a house to sell - if she hasn't put it on the market yet let alone got a buyer and has started arrangements to port her mortgage or get agreement in principle - which she won't if it was all in the last few weeks that she even started thinking about moving there is no way a seller is going to accept her offer over yours unless it is a considerable amount more than your offer. If she makes it awkward after that then she is being a dick.

And FWIW I don't think you're being over sensitive at all. If someone can be so blatantly competitive about something as huge as a house purchase....well, what next?

A new baby? Bigger car? Better holidays? Competitive parenting?

Either she needs to chill out (and only you will know if that's likely as you actually know her) or you need to develop a thick skin and totally rise above it.

That is uncanny. She has suggested we could buy her house and they could get move somewhere else. Which is funny because one of the reasons she cites for suddenly wanting to move is that the area is dodgy and not good enough for her to bring up her child in.

I wouldn't even ask my best friend what her budget was and where the money was coming from for a house. If she shared that info with me, all well and fine, but I wouldn't actually ask her outright.

I think the situation that they and you are both looking for the same sort of house for the same sort of budget is not ideal, but not their fault/nothing you can have a real issue with. I also don't think that they somehow get "priority" because they have a current home and you are staying with family.

Probably what's happened is that they have been thinking about moving for a while, but seeing someone else (you) actually doing it has galvanised them into action. This sort of thing happens a lot - people get "inspired" by others' new cars, holiday destinations, choice of garden patio set - all sorts really.

The off bit is the emails. I think she probably feels guilty because she knows it's treading on your toes and she is trying to ingratiate herself and make you feel sorry for her so she doesn't look (or feel) like she's behaved badly in any way.

I would put all this to bed - you don't need the stress. Carry on with your house search privately. Don't say any more about it and if asked directly by them or others just say you're still looking/considering options/seen a few things online but none are perfect etc. (all vague stuff).

I wouldn't fall out with them over it. Purely because if you are living in the same town and have mutual friends, you need to keep them on side. Also if they already have DCs, they can be a good source of knowledge. Andi it's your DH's best friend. You will be somehow be blamed in dark moments during arguments if things sour between them over this!

So I would keep the peace and mentally close your ears and eyes to their proposed house-moves and say nothing of yours. Talk about everything else but that!

Not good enough for her but good enough for you? Some friend...

X posts OP!! She's what?! Suggested you buy her house so they can move on?

That's just cheeky.

If she has actually said that then would you not say straight back "You totally put us off your area when you said it was dodgy".

Call her bluff and tell her you've found something even better.

She'll lose interest in the one you like, and try to find out the other one you like.

Then I'd secretly see the original one and put offer in!

Tell her nothing from now on, she sounds awful.

this happened to us a couple of months ago.A couple at our church are wanting to move,as were we. When we were chatting on Sunday we discovered we had viewed the same house that week.It is kind of inevitable but admitedly hard to know how to react when it happens. They were not as keen as us but then a cash buyer whisked it from under our noses anyway!!

I would fake a windfall, look at a house just outside her budget and say you're viewing it.

She'll be so caught up in the lifestyle of the fab-too expensive-I'd love to live here house that you can buy the other house.

Never tell her anything, she'll only use it against you.

Nowt and I are the same page. Must read before posting.

She's very strange.

Start telling her about houses the other side of town whilst secretly putting in offers in your preferred area.

I woukd definitely keep a distance and be very tight lipped to her and her husband. She does not sound like much of a friend.

Give her a very wide birth and don't discuss any of your plans. She sounds like a complete and utter loon.

FWIW, you are in a better position as you are chain free. Mwahahahaha.......

Thanks everyone, much appreciated. I've dodged the subject since this whole fiasco, which is quite hard work as she's pretty persistent. She's recently sent me details of a really crappy house on her road which so far I've ignored.

OhMittens you're spot on. They have a young child and he and my DP go back donkeys, so I in no way want to cause a ruck. And I value them as fellow parents in a new town where we don't know that many people. If I didn't otherwise like having them around I'd have told her where to get off by now!

I can't be arsed navigating her craziness. I think a thick skin and avoidance when necessary are the only ways forward. At least I've found out now what she's like I suppose, rather than in a year's time when I'd have invested more in a friendship an wasted a load more energy.

YAB totally U to be upset and rake it personally that they are house hunting at the same time as you, and in the same area etc. and she was probably just asking normal friendly questions about your circumstances.

Her e mail makes her sound even more U, though, and I too would guess that someone has commented to her that you are upset.

If you both start acting like sensible grown ups happily getting along and buying houses, and accept that in the end the vendor wil make the choice, and it's business at the end of the day, then things will be OK again.

Name changed for this one. Promise it's true! I grew up in the south west but my dad was relocated to yorkshire . We could have lived anywhere in North Yorkshire . Our sw house went up for sale as did our next door neighbours at the time.

My parents then viewed and offered on a house they loved in a small yorkshire village. As did our next door neighbours. Same offer, same house on the same day. 300 miles away from where we all lived. Neither had any idea the other was looking in the area, it wasn't deliberate at all, just a massive coincidence. The vendor thought they were all taking the piss.
The neighbour got it first and we ended up in a very similar one just down the road, they then babysat for us for years afterwards.

Anyway, I'd run a mile from your so called friend, she's a loon.

Feel sorry for her. She obviously aspires to be just like you. It's a compliment really.

Just be really vague and say you've got several irons in the fire.

You will get the house even if you both go for the same one. You are the most attractive buyer by far.

Oooh, I would be so tempted to leave details laying around of expensive houses 'by accident'

But that would probably just make things more stressful!

I wouldn't back off that house either, screw her.

We once viewed the same house as some in-laws. They bought it, we ended up in a nicer place. Their house was a disaster and the stress caused was partly responsible for their later divorce. We are still in the same street as our first house, still love where we live.

My granny always said "What's for you, won't go by you". Put in your offer and if you don't get it then something better is waiting out there for you.

Why would you back off when you can get moving immediately and they need to sell their house first?!