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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about this child - what would you think?

66 replies

Jasmineskye · 12/05/2015 16:19

Has many lovely qualities.

However, these aspects to his character make parenting him a challenge.

He has NO sense of humour, unless someone has been hurt, not in a 'you've been framed' way but for example if another child has been in trouble. Silly films have him sitting glowering.

He is not physically affectionate, refuses to hold hands with his sister when crossing the street and never hugs her. Sometimes will sit on mothers knee.

Complains a lot and continues complaining until he gets his way. For instance if music in the car isn't what he wants to listen to he will loudly complain so no one can hear it anyway.

Obsessed with weapons. Likes martial arts. Really hurts his sister and family pet (cat) at times.

Inappropriate dress sense. Will not wear anything bought for him by somebody else, he had to choose it. Wears one item of clothing constantly.

Would you think he had special needs?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jasmineskye · 12/05/2015 17:00

Well, it might mean he could actually hold down s job but really I'm posting not to get a diagnosis but because mumsnet knows its stuff with aspergers and I thought someone could help.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 12/05/2015 17:01

his life is already lonely, sad and dull. Is it for him? Because I used to worry about my DB but the fact is, he isn't lonely. He doesn't want people around so it doesn't bother him. He is happy so I am happy for him, even though his life would make me incredibly sad to live.

fortunately · 12/05/2015 17:01

You need to unmesh your life with his then. With the best will in the world, is day to day life isn't your responsibility.

Agree you need some boundaries and to wean him off your support.

You're doing too much.

overmydeadbody · 12/05/2015 17:01

i'd sy he sounds like he is on the spectrum.

shrunkenhead · 12/05/2015 17:02

Sounds like my brother in law very odd bloke, never had a gf, talks endlessly about dull things not noticing when the recipient has nodded off due to boredom.fixate on his own interests to the exclusion of all else. Very selfish. Had he been tested years ago then yes he's prob on the spectrum. Did have a job as a teacher though no doubt got bullied and was once suspended re an incident which he may/may not have been guilty of (touching pupil's breast) as a family member it was hard for people to support him as his behaviour was generally odd you never knew what he was capable of.

Feminine · 12/05/2015 17:04

I'm sorry op
Yes, he sounds like he needs help.
You have observed him all your life, l expect you know him inside out - so your instinct won't be far off.
Where you go from here though (l don't know) as he is an adult.
Sorry for your stress.

DixieNormas · 12/05/2015 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Theycallmemellowjello · 12/05/2015 17:04

I don't think you sound weird at all or that your initial post is confusing.

He sounds very challenging to say the least! I would have thought that he would be assessed these days, though I'm no expert. But I suppose you must look to the present. Does he need 'looking after'? Are there any other family members in the picture? Is it you who ends up being responsible for him (financially/emotionally/practically)? If so that is an awful lot to take on.

I have no experience in this kind of thing but I wonder if it might be worth him getting assessed for autism or similar simply because he may be able to access support.

From your perspective, you do need to look after your own needs as well as his. There may be support groups for people caring for adults with SN if this is what you consider yourself to be doing, and I'm sure you would not need an official diagnosis for accessing these. It sounds like interacting with him would be very emotionally wearing.

I'm also a big advocate of a few therapy sessions as a good way of working out difficult past events - it sounds like aspects of your childhood must have been very difficult for you.

fortunately · 12/05/2015 17:06

Is he self supporting? Can he look are himself and pay rent?

If so, move out and get a flat on your own. Leave him to it and aim for a more normal relationship where you meet up on terms which suit you both.

If not, refer to social services and get him assessed so that he can be provided with the support he needs.

Original poster
Jasmineskye · 12/05/2015 17:07

God, if only he was happy! No. He is very, very unhappy. Gets angry, gets hurt, gets depressed. Has an unrealistic view of how his life 'should' be (he thinks he is a genius; he isn't.) Makes elaborate plans and nothing comes of them. Gets ridiculously anxious about things - posts a status on Facebook then rings me panicking 'was it inappropriate? I'd better take it down. Actually I'll DELETE FACEBOOK. Did you know that a nurse was sacked because of Facebook? Giggle giggle ...'

It's easy to say leave him to it, it's less easy to do.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 12/05/2015 17:07

The OP is describing what her brother was like as a child.
He is now 30.

I think it sounds like he could possibly be on the autistic spectrum.

AllThatGlistens · 12/05/2015 17:08

I really don't like to label, however, I have a child with High Functioning Autism, and another at the opposite, extreme end of the spectrum. I would say that perhaps some of his behaviours could be consistent with Aspergers as it was diagnosed back then; eg the rigidity with regards to sensory issues, inappropriate social responses etc.

I'd obviously be very reluctant to say so with certainty though, and I'm sure it must be very difficult for you if you are the only family he has.

So yes, from the bit you've said from your childhood there could have been a couple of red flags, it's difficult to know from just that information obviously because it's only a small snapshot.

Original poster
Jasmineskye · 12/05/2015 17:10

Theycallme - thanks :)

This is the problem: since our dad died, he has fallen into my hands as my responsibility Hmm (incidentally, I don't live with him - the flat is a BTL Dad bought ages ago.)

However, I exaggerate not: five years ago I lived just outside London and he would drive up to see me. Four hours, clear across five counties. Don't think I can escape that way. I literally would have to put a stretch of water between us I hear N Ireland is nice.

It's very upsetting because I care about him, of course. It's awful seeing someone miserable and feeling powerless. And I feel a sort of duty to my dead parents too.

OP posts:
youbethemummylion · 12/05/2015 17:10

My brother is similar I do think if he were a child now rather than the 80s he would have been given a label and placed somewhere on the Autistic Spectrum.

fortunately · 12/05/2015 17:12

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

See him once a week when it suits you. Give him times he can ring eg each day between 7 and 8pm, rigidly enforce it until he gets the message.

He is not your responsibility.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/05/2015 17:12

Sad Have a word with his GP and tell him your concerns? Do you know any other childhood stuff like when your DB started talking? Adults can be assessed, I have referred people for assessment in adulthood when I worked at SS. You could talk to SS if you think he is not coping. See what their vulnerable adults team is like (and if it exists...).

fortunately · 12/05/2015 17:13

No no no no no.

No duty to the dead parents. Do not think like that.

Your dead parents do not want to see you miserable for 30 years with him riding roughshod all over you.

Stop it now.

bialystockandbloom · 12/05/2015 17:13

To me some of your list sounds like he may have depression or MH difficulties (e.g. not caring about personal care). Perhaps stemming from an autism spectrum condition, but perhaps not. Could be antisocial behaviour disorder. Who knows. Could be anything. All this is is a list of negative characteristics, with no other context. It is impossible and irresponsible for any of us to even say what we might think. The thing is whether or how to help him, or is it just a case of you understanding what his behaviour stems from?

BuzzardBird · 12/05/2015 17:14

Poor OP, what an awful situation for you to be in. Is what you are thinking is that you will be his carer until old age?

www.autismwestmidlands.org.uk
Why don't you contact someone like this for advice?

I hope you get some help. Thanks

Original poster
Jasmineskye · 12/05/2015 17:14

Yes, he only started talking at 3. Before that he used to chant. Outing myself here, but there was a lamppost that rattled near my gran's house and he would go to it, shake it and chant 'lamp-post-that-rattles' over and over.

Problem is, on the surface of things he copes. His house often gets messy - no worse than mine really if I'm honest - but he functions if you see what I mean.

It's just - arghhh. I get he can't help it but God, I want a sibling to be a friend, a source of support. Not this!

OP posts:
fortunately · 12/05/2015 17:15

Then withdraw OP and protect yourself!

BuzzardBird · 12/05/2015 17:15

For you if living elsewhere;

ww.autism.org.uk

Sweetoranges · 12/05/2015 17:19

I understan what you are trying to say. My 38yo is and was pretty much like this. Iam sure he is on the spectrum. He will not go and get assessed so we remain with thishomemade selfassesment, which however has helped us all and relationship have improved. I dont think him rude or selfish anymore abd I am much kinder to him.

LowryFan · 12/05/2015 17:19

Oh OP I really feel for you. And somehow I feel cross with your parents for dying presumably quite young without having had your brother diagnosed and supported. Now you are shoved into a semi-parenting role that you never signed up for. At the start of your post I thought you were doing some sort of reverse 'need to talk about Kevin' post. He really does sound like he has a lot of special needs. I have no idea what to advise but I really do feel for you.

Original poster
Jasmineskye · 12/05/2015 17:19

Thanks :)

He very possibly is depressed, but he takes ADs and has had counselling and psychotherapy so God knows what else they can do for him! All the posts about NHS privatisation have made me realise he's probably has millions in terms of NHS resources! It's done no good. He's also weird about your illnesses. Drug pushing has different connotations but he does. He was trying to get my pregnant friend to take medication HE'D been prescribed (she was being sick but that's because she's, umm, pregnant!)

OP posts:
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