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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Money/anniversary AIBU

31 replies

Mrsbradfield · 11/05/2015 22:55

Long story short, DP is not good with money, has bad credit etc but has bitten bullet and arranged debt management plan, we live together, he pays the rent, I deal with all bills.

It was our anniversary yesterday been together a year, he bought me a card, said he couldn't afford a present (I bought him a present was £15 which I thought was reasonable) I said I didn't mind if he didn't buy me a present if he was a bit short on money, we went out and had a cheap meal using taste card and had a couple of drinks to celebrate and we shared this as had put £30 aside each.

Today he gets a phone call, takes it and comes into the bedroom, when asked who it was, said it was shelter and he's signed up to donate them £20 a month. This is when he has no money left really till payday and couldn't afford to spend a small amount on an anniversary present. I mean even if it Cost less than a fiver, it would have been the thought that counts right?

AIBU?

OP posts:
BestZebbie · 11/05/2015 23:00

I don't think YABU exactly, but I think the bigger issue is that your partner is generally BU about his money.
Not getting you a gift would be fair enough given that he is skint - it sounds as if signing up for the donation is a clear mistake rather than that he has enough money to do one or the other and didn't choose you, if you see the difference?

Mrsbradfield · 11/05/2015 23:04

Yeah I felt a bit unreasonable to let it upset me, it's not the most pressing issue in the world and he's doing a good thing especially in current climate, but I just felt quite disappointed as I'd made a bit of an effort and felt he could have tried also. Thanks for the response tho! :)

OP posts:
TigerFeat · 11/05/2015 23:13

Yanbu.

Not getting you a present is just laziness and committing to donating £20 a month when he is debt is irresponsible.

mrsfuzzy · 11/05/2015 23:22

his heart is probably in the right place, the brain not so much,

Momagain1 · 12/05/2015 00:00

It isnt so much that he is donating when he is too broke to get you even a token present, it's that he can't say no to a stranger on the phone 'selling' him the idea of a monthly donation.

He didnt plan consider, and organise this. It was spur of the moment, with no thought given to the long term aspect. Nor even any thought that the call could have been a scam and he is giving them his bank details.

This is EXACTLY why he has debt problems. Reaching the point of having to bite the bullet and areange a repayment schedule doesnt represent him learning how to control his spending. That's whats bothering you about this. Not the lack of present, but the evidence of a lack of control re: buying and spending.

Hoppityhippityhop · 12/05/2015 08:19

Op I really hope you are keeping your own finances separate from your DP's! That £20 a month should be spent servicing his debt, he really can't afford to give £1 away until he has sorted himself out. I wouldn't be too bothered about the gift, although I agree it sounds like the effort was more of an issue than the money. I would be annoyed that he wasn't doing everything he could to sort his debt out because that would have an impact on my life every single day. Why was he so easily persuaded to sign up for the donation?

Whatthebobbins · 12/05/2015 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrystalHaze · 12/05/2015 09:10

I get calls from charities all the time, Bobbins. It does my head in.

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 12/05/2015 09:22

Regardless of the present (dh and I didn't this year as we are planning to move house so saving every penny).

He is in no position to set up a dd to charity when he has debts, in your situation I would be asking him very promptly to cancel the dd.

He appears unable to handle money at even the most basic level.

Jackieharris · 12/05/2015 09:35

You need to untie your finances completely.

Is the debt management a done deal now because they are huge rip off merchants?!

TheForger · 12/05/2015 11:35

I agree with momagain1, its the not being able to say no. Having said that they are really persuasive, when I've said that I didn have any money they just suggested a lower amount. I was gobsmacked. This bit is easily solved, just cancel the DD. He still needs to work on being responsible for himself and deciding if he can / cannot afford it.

MoustacheofRonSwanson · 12/05/2015 11:48

Funnily enough, it is people who have had experience of being in some financial peril/difficulty who are often the most likely to respond to charitable requests. Sort of a "there but for the grace of god go I" thing- they know what it is like to face difficulty and want to help other people with in the same position. Unconsciously it's about wanting to live in a society where people help one another I think. And the charities who do this kind of fundraising are well aware f this, and train people to apply the emotional thumbscrews pretty effectively.

I don't think that make his signing up for that donation a good or sensible decision, but maybe it might make it more understandable.

In your position, I would have an honest chat with him about it, coming from three angles, but in a very calm way, maybe even writing it down to take some of the heat out of it and enable you to express yourself properly.

Firstly, whether realistically he/you both can afford this in itself.

Secondly, whether he needs to pay attention to how he makes financial decisions- looking at things like head vs heart, planning vs impulse (e.g. can he plan to be impulsive- just set a budget each month for impulse purchases and don;t exceed it). There might be a need to go into past habits, how he was brought up etc with this, but over the long term. Could he look at something like a debt counselling scheme run by a charity, something that will help him with how he makes decisions.

And, thirdly, I would also mention how what happens makes you/your secure future together feel in terms of where you come on his priority list.

I don't think it's the worst thing in the world either, and tbh I would rather be with someone who signs up for a £20 DD to a homeless charity when they can't really afford it than someone who can walk past a beggar when they have plenty in their pocket. But financial security is an important thing, and if he has had problems in the past it is legitimate to address this. And it could be a symptom of something deeper, and that needs checking/addressing.

By the way, I cancelled by donations to Shelter when I found out about the wages and employment terms and conditions they offer their employees. They changed about 6 years ago to much more insecure terms of employment. I thought this was totally flying in the face of their cause- poorly paid and insecure employment is a major contributor to housing insecurity/homelessness and I thought they could set a better example in their own actions rather than just preaching to others.

So could your DH do something like volunteer a few hours at a foodbank or homeless outreach project like a soup kitchen rather than give money to Shelter? That might be a better way to satisfy his impulse to help than giving money? As in better for his circumstances and also do more good for other people. Esepcially as something like the first 9-12 months of his donation will be paid to the company doing the phonecalls, not to helping homeless people.

Mrsbradfield · 12/05/2015 12:36

Thanks for all the suggestions guys, we've been to the bank this morning, sorted out a cash card only account with no overdraft for him, £1800 of the debt is bank/student overdraft so we've arranged to have that closed and he is with step change to pay a monthly debt to pay overdraft/credit card etc off. We have separate finances, when I broached the subject with him of cancelling the shelter donation as he KNOWS he can't afford it, he got very angry and heated.

I'd offered to take us for breakfast this morning after bank appointment as we both have a rare day off today together, went to cafe, he looked at the menu and said I can't afford any of this, I'll have nothing, I said I will pay so that we can try to have a nice morning and time together, he refused, I said I wasn't prepared to sit and eat with him sat there empty handed, so he said fine lets leave and go home.

I am now in bed while he is in living room transferring his bank details so that everything is set up for the new account and I am sulking and starving. I feel he's behaving like a toddler having a tantrum as I have been very supportive of him trying to get things organised, but he just doesn't THINK!

OP posts:
Hoppityhippityhop · 12/05/2015 16:07

What a shame.
In your DP's defence it can be very difficult to confront debt problems and he probably felt terrible but unable to properly express himself. I understand that doesn't make your day any better.
You are going to have to be persistent and consistent to help him pay his debts back. He is lucky to have you.
Don't get your own money involved in the debt because that won't change his habits or protect you.

RB68 · 12/05/2015 16:19

Just a thought but how about suggesting he DOES something for charity rather than just hands over money - he can still feel useful to them but not have the DD issue - I agree that while charities survive with these DD payments sometimes there are vulnerable people that just cant say no and they do play on this somewhat. Its very depressing dealing with debt and difficult to change same as smoking, eating, getting fit etc etc so if there is some other way of doing his bit he might enjoy it as supporting a charity he feels strongly about, doing something that is independent to you as a couple, and giving him some self esteem back (am reading between the lines here that it is all making him feel crap and useless)

Mrsbradfield · 12/05/2015 17:39

I've since found out the shelter call was to verify details, he actually signed up with a chugger on the street, and that before this bank appointment this morning, he'd applied for accounts with 5 banks and all were declined. Yeah I suppose he does feel crap and useless, but I can't help him if he doesn't tell me what's going on. Mind you he doesn't listen to my advice and just blindly blunders into doing things with no thought for any consequence.

I feel useless myself, he's been going on about opening a joint account - no way mate. I'm just cross about this bank thing too, as earlier stated, he'd been declined from 5 banks, wanted to open current accounts. If he had been declined for this cash card account this morning (which incidentally took me 5 seconds to google and find out best accounts for bad credit) and then his account at the moment that is due to close was closed, he would have to arrange to transfer his wages to me and then I pay out all his outgoings. Rent and debt management and phone. That is a terrifying thought. I've got my own outgoings as well as bills and at his age of 32 I really think he needs to face up to his own responsibilities. Should I recall any offer of help and advice in the future and let him make his own mistakes and learn from them? I don't think I can, as I would be scared he would let things slip and forget about them, and we'd be in worse trouble financially.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/05/2015 17:57

I'd leave him to it.

Goodadvice1980 · 12/05/2015 18:08

Seriously OP, I am wondering what you see in this guy? You are already having to deal with his sh*t and you've only been together a year!

This should still be the "honeymoon phase" of the relationship.

KondoAttitude · 12/05/2015 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mrsbradfield · 12/05/2015 19:57

Yes we've got separate finances, I think it's a bit harsh to compare me to his mum tho, I'm not a nagger. I just want to feel like I'm not having bailiffs coming round because he's stuck his head in the sand for so long. I don't think I'm being harsh for him to want to prioritise things when it affects the both of us.

OP posts:
PurpleCrazyHorse · 12/05/2015 21:04

Seriously, I wouldn't even consider living with him in this state, as you said, you could have bailiffs at the door. Are you sure you're not connected with him on your credit rating? I'd definitely check this.

You don't say if you have children, but do you really want a future with someone who can't address their serious financial issues, or at least acknowledge help. What happens when the bailiffs turn up and you've got children around? How do you separate what's yours and his if you're living together and the bailiffs start totting up your belongings?

Regarding chuggers and other cold callers, both mine and DH's stance is that we don't sign up for (or buy) anything on the door or in the street. We're happy to take literature and will look at it at our leisure. All these things you can sign up for online or over the phone if you want to.

Sorry, that's really harsh.

Tice · 12/05/2015 22:00

Sorry Op, I did 11 yeas with a man like this - 11, financial abuse is shite to live with. I was always waiting for the change, hoping, giving things up so he could have - this is a news flash from a long an horrible time it took me years to get away (we have 2dc) and he is just the same, and I have over 3k of debt I am paying off right now from our time together, including his ipad, watch, snow boots, shaver (it is a long list) and he asks me for food money for having the dcs because he's skint (in the same conversation as 'I just got a 2nd hand laptop cheep) - my experience was the future did not look like the poor financial beginnings of our relationship, it was much much worse.

Tice · 12/05/2015 22:06

and yes he promised to change, and yes we had the bailiffs too, but I was already pregnant with dc1 when I twigged the extent of his immaturity, and I convinced myself I'd be able to change him because he said he loved me.

I'm 44 this year, I did not get a 40th present from him, I gave him £20 from my birthday money from my mum to him to go and buy me a present on the day and he came back (still angry) with three herb plants from the local garden centre marked '3 for £10' . Never sent he other £10 to this day.

I wish you luck and courage, but do smell the coffee xx

Tice · 12/05/2015 22:07

*seen

Purplepoodle · 13/05/2015 00:17

Think it depends how u want your relationship to be. My dh bloody awful with money. We have separate accounts - him with a basic. I pay everything out of my account inc his phone bill and other set direct debits and he gives me the money as soon as he gets paid. He knows the money in his account is his to spend.

Yes at times I feel like his mum but as a friend pointed out in marriage in work to your strengths. We had to lay ground rules of no credit cards ect and there's been a couple of bumps bit it works for us