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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think bloody hell crack a smile nursery mum

78 replies

ShootPeppaPig · 11/05/2015 18:22

Not sure what I could have ever done to offend this woman, but iv just been blatantly blanked not once, but twice while we were both with our kids who recognised each other...

Our kids go to the same place every day and play with each other there... Of course she doesn't speak to me there either but it's a drop off/dash out situation and I presumed that was why we never spoke as she might be rushing to get to work iyswim

To make matters worse I obviously smiled both times thinking at least she'd acknowledge me the second if she pretended not to see me the first (which was impossible, we were stood next to each other!)

OP posts:
Oldraver · 11/05/2015 19:46

The thing is OP you have made this about YOU, assuming she has taken against you personally. There have been lots of suggestions as to why people do not engage... I know I can be a bit like this.

Sometimes I am struggling achey and in pain so I shut out the world, sometimes I shut out the world as its too noisy, sometimes I may be tired so just dont have the energy to engage. Sometimes all I want to do is enjoy being able to take DS to school and solely concentrate on him. On these occasions someone demanding my attention is an intrusion.

SurlyCue · 11/05/2015 19:46

OP please dont let this or anything like it make you feel shit. I guarantee you her demeanour will have had nothing at all to do with you. It really wont. It could be any number of things but you wont have been one. Dont look to others to make you feel good about yourself. Change your attitude from "she didnt smile- must be something wrong with me" to "she didnt smile- i wonder if something is wrong with her" and then instantly forget about it and get on with your day.

Original poster
ShootPeppaPig · 11/05/2015 19:59

SurlyCue, that is a much more helpful way to look at it and does actually help me to get past it and on with my day.

Even if I do now feel bad if she reads this and recognises me/her. So mum who blanked me, sorry, and I'll get over it.

It was actually helpful in moving past it to have all these insights. Will go with SurlyCue's advice now.

OP posts:
madreloco · 11/05/2015 20:06

If you believe that even the expressions on other peoples faces are All About You, you're going to have an awful lot of venting to do.
Dial back the narcissism and your day will be much better.

FresherThanYou · 11/05/2015 20:08

Better to be the one who smiled than the one who didn't.
Maybe she's socially awkward or is going through a very tough time.
I had two mc in between 2 youngest then my dad died & could barely speak let alone raise a smile. Dc3 had just started at a nursery & I cba to speak to anyone & I never made friends from that year group but hey ho!

SurlyCue · 11/05/2015 20:13

Definitely OP. Life is so much easier and less stressy when you make a conscious decision to stop taking on other people's issues/negativity on your shoulders. They are their issues. I'll tell you, even if she was deliberately blanking you because of something to do with you (she wasnt, be assured) well then that's still her issue. Because you are perfectly fine as you are and if you arent then that's your business and sod all to do with anyone else. Its not really up to anyone else to decide if you are alright as you are- it's your business so anyone who would ignore you because you dont meet their standards? Well that's not a problem you need to take on your shoulders. We all have enough of our own to deal with. Those that mind dont matter and those that matter dont mind Wink

ConfusedInBath · 11/05/2015 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feminine · 11/05/2015 20:17

Totally agree with surly
Yep, just don't own that issue/problem.

I'm sure you are just fine, and well done on your weight loss. :)

Original poster
ShootPeppaPig · 11/05/2015 20:19

No your mistaken ConfusedinBath, I didn't judge her on her appearance, I'm somewhat envious of it, I would like to be like that.

I judged her on her behaviour.

However my insecurity with body image played into my reasoning as to why she wouldn't like me

OP posts:
Feminine · 11/05/2015 20:19

I don't think she was blaming her because she is pretty?

I didn't get that.

I thought she was illustrating that there was nothing wrong with the woman in question?

ConfusedInBath · 11/05/2015 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBookofRuth · 11/05/2015 20:30

Nope, it's bloody rude, and I don't care how "shy" or introverted you are, you should be able to manage a "hi" and a smile.

Even if she didn't remember you, your kids chatting should prompt a smile at the very least. I hate it* when DD, who's a very friendly soul, attaches herself to random kids, forcing me to make polite conversation with their parents, but I do it.

Original poster
ShootPeppaPig · 11/05/2015 20:30

That's right feminine,

I suppose I could hold my hand up and say to some degree I perhaps assumed she was doing better than I currently am based on her appearance,

I felt if I was looking like that I would be doing great, and perhaps be sympathetic towards someone not doing so good

Of course she knows nothing about me, nor I about her - but that's how the mind (or mine) works making up stories about why things have happened to make sense of them.

I'm going to move forward with SurlyCue's advice

OP posts:
hanginginthere1 · 11/05/2015 20:32

Peppa,
You've been given a hard time on here.
Sorry, but some posters really are quite nasty!
I can identify exactly with how you are feeling, having had the exact same thing happen to me down the years, in similar situations. I knew enough about the people involved to know that they were not suffering depression, bereavement etc. Just plain rude, in my opinion.
Just keeping being you.

saltnpepa · 11/05/2015 20:33

She doesn't have to smile at you, do men go around smiling at each other all the time? Why are women always forced into being 'nice'? Maybe she has lots of friends and isn't bothered about making any more, hasn't noticed you smiling and couldn't give two stuffs if you do or don't. The fact you're dreading seeing some unknown woman at your childs nursery because you feel her rejection so acutely means you are the one with the problem. So yes, yabu.

ConfusedInBath · 11/05/2015 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WheelbarrowWoman · 11/05/2015 20:35

I'm slim and pretty. It doesn't mean I don't have shitty days. It doesn't mean I look down on others. I'm actually really shy with people I don't know, and a few close friends have told me once they got to know me that at first they thought I was arrogant.

SurlyCue · 11/05/2015 20:41

I suffered from horrible PND after ds2. There were days i honestly walked around in an exhausted zombie daze and probably came across as really rude to some people. In fact i know i must have done as my best friend was good enough to point out when i was being really withdrawn/verging on rude. Nowadays i am much better and spring about the street saying hi to everyone i pass (they must be scratching their heads wondering how i know them Grin) but i can still have down days and really dont realise sometimes til its too late and may have unintentionally offended someone.

Original poster
ShootPeppaPig · 11/05/2015 20:46

Saltnpeppa - as has been established, but until some thought provoking insight on this thread, I genuinely had no idea that it was my own insecurity which had caused me to perceive this rejection so deeply. In retrospect, I have acknowledged that whether or not she has any issues, I have an issue which was at play in this situation

OP posts:
Original poster
ShootPeppaPig · 11/05/2015 20:56

Wheelbarrowwoman it's interesting that people thought you were arrogant until they got to know you (and you are slim and pretty)

I assume people might think I'm lazy or a whole host of other negatives i associated with being plain and large. It probably comes from a notion that I would be proud if I was slim and pretty. I don't think I judge people on being fat, however I also can't say I know anyone "proud" to be so. I know plenty who are proud to be curvy and who are large and pretty and wear it far better than I think I do but I don't think anyone says they're fat and proud

OP posts:
Original poster
ShootPeppaPig · 11/05/2015 21:00

It's a horrible illness SurlyCue, that is when I put most of my weight on. Depression does make one very inward I guess (as I have demonstratedWink), and I'm nearly 3 years on not recovered. I'm still a regular at PANDAS which I find useful if you don't already know of it

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 11/05/2015 21:16

Have never heard of PANDAS. Is it a website?

I had ds6 years ago and although i still have the odd down day they are far outweighed by the good. I really started to feel "well" like myself again about a year ago. A combination feeling better naturally and making some decisions to change things myself. Its horrible though, when you dont know how to help yourself or even have the energy to want to. Time and small steps works for me OP. And being your own no1 cheerleader. Give yourself a wee pep talk now and again when you feel those familiar negative/angry feelings. Also having good friends who know your situation. Like i said, my best friend (and now my boyfriend too) will both say "hey, you seem a bit quiet/low, are you ok?" What they mean is "i can see you slipping back and i'm grabbing hold of you- give me your hand" its good to know people who care will give you that wee nudge before you get too bad. Take care of yourself OP. And really work on your own self esteem, insecurities are horrible, sounds silly but some days in order to get out of the house i would pretend i was someone else, someone really confident and smiley, it instantly lifted me and nobody knew what i was thinking, they just saw me being smiley Grin

SisterNancySinatra · 11/05/2015 21:22

I'm
Slim and pretty too with lovely hair.

Original poster
ShootPeppaPig · 11/05/2015 21:25

It's pre and post natal depression advice and support and I think there's also a pandas dads too if that's of interest to your bf.

I'd post a link but I don't know how! If you search it on fb it should come up as there are several pages

I discovered it during my time in a mum and baby unit (due to my depression and anxiety) and it's been a real lifeline since

Love the idea of pretending to be someone else Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ShootPeppaPig · 11/05/2015 21:31

Congrats SisterNancy...

OP posts: