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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell him a firm no.

57 replies

MythicalKings · 11/05/2015 11:49

My goddaughter (A) is the DD of my closest friend and we have always been close. She has 2 (aged 8 and 6) DCs from her first marriage and she and her DH have a 2 year old DS from their marriage. He has a DD (7) from his first marriage. I've only met his DD once, at their wedding.

I see A's DCs quite often when she comes over to visit her parents or when the DCs are spending the weekend with their grandparents. I know the three of them really well.

A's DH has asked her to "have a word" with me and she's really embarrassed but he's been nagging so she did. I have always bought presents for A's DCs at Christmas and birthdays. He asked her to tell me I should also buy for his DD. A's parents always buy for his DD but they know her and actually see her.

A doesn't think I should. His family and family friends only buy for his DD and the toddler, nothing for A's DCs from her first marriage. She pointed this out to her DH but he said we're "better off" than they are and his DD is upset.

His DD wouldn't know me if she bumped into me in the street, so this is all from him. He is quite controlling and is not always kind to A's DCs. A's mum said to tell him to get lost.

I am inclined to say no but I'm a bit worried about how that will impact on A.

AIBU to say that I won't unless his family and friends are also buying for A's DCs, as that would be unfair on them.

OP posts:

magoria · 11/05/2015 13:02

If you give in and buy a token gift you are enabling his control to spread to you.

I would laugh it off and not do it.

Be there for your friend and hopefully she will see the light.

Morelikeguidelines · 11/05/2015 13:03

Her repeating his request even though she disagreed says it all about how controlling he is. Poor A and her dc!

RustyParker · 11/05/2015 13:04

It isn't Aspergers making him controlling and edgy...

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 11/05/2015 13:06

Personally (because I'm a present giver type person) I would get proper presents for the DC as you do now and a stocking filler type present for the other DD. But I think you can't go to that solution now without it causing any more ructions

GoEasyPudding · 11/05/2015 13:09

Read this and agreed with other posters that you shouldn't have to buy a gift for A.

I am just speculating but I wonder if you are a good gift giver and that's why it's being noticed/ has become a "problem" for the family. I am guessing you give thoughtful fun stuff and meanwhile on the other side of the family the gifts aren't as thoughtful. I don't mean in monetary terms of course.

fuzzywuzzy · 11/05/2015 13:13

He is quite controlling and is not always kind to A's DCs

This worries me, it sounds to me like a ploy to make you and A fall out and isolate her from her friends.

Do you have children/nieces nephews/neighbours kids? I'd tell him you'll buy for his daughter the day he sends gifts for the children in your life.

avocadotoast · 11/05/2015 13:14

Cheeky fucker. YANBU at all!

I hate feeling obligated to buy presents. In my family there aren't many children (just one on one side, none on the other, though my cousin & I are both expecting) but Christmas still seems to be this ridiculous thing where everyone has to buy for everyone. Drives me nuts as it gets so expensive.

Anyway, that doesn't resolve your problem... But I think you're well within your rights not to buy his daughter anything. Can it not just be left that A tells him she has had a word, and just leaves it at that? And then next time his daughter's birthday or Christmas rolls around if he has an issue he can take it up with you himself.

avocadotoast · 11/05/2015 13:15

Also - having Aspergers is no excuse for being a dick.

ouryve · 11/05/2015 13:20

YANBU. Make it clear that you don't buy presents for anyone you don't know. You have no direct relationship to his dd and no gift giving obligation to anyone in the world, when it comes down to it.

AreYouSureGeorgeBernard · 11/05/2015 13:21

How utterly, utterly rude and entitled! He's rude for even thinking of the idea, never mind voicing it, and she's just as rude for passing his grabby suggestion on. Did it not occur to her that she'd be taking the piss by asking you? Why on earth did she not tell her husband that there's no way she was going to say anything to you?

I'd be seeing a lot less of both of them. Like 100% less. I can't abide pushy people.

You'd not be at all unreasonable to look at her wide eyed and say "Gosh, he told you to say that? Does he often put you in embarrassing positions? Why on earth didn't you tell him no on my behalf!"

Justusemyname · 11/05/2015 13:21

The better off comment makes it worse, more grabby, I'd say no.

A relative has recently had a baby with someone who has children with someone else. Once we get their names, ages, ans birthday we will buy for them but I think this is a different situation from you (ours will be relations once married, yours are friends) but there would be no issue if we didn't buy for them as our relative and their partner are not twats.

Original poster

MythicalKings · 11/05/2015 13:38

Thanks again for the support. I'm guessing he'd been nagging and nagging so she eventually said something so that he'd shut up.

pudding I do try to buy thoughtful presents that I know the DCs will like. When my goddaughter was young it was a family joke that I bought her things her parents wouldn't let her have or things that were unusual. (Although I actually cleared it with her mum first). I bought her her first make up set, for example, and a garter snake she was longing for.

I always run my choices passed A first to make sure they don't have them already and that they will be welcome. Last birthday I bought the 8 year old a bug hotel which he's loving.

It's taken a bit of the fun out of present buying for me for now but I'm sure it will come back by the next birthday. Most of the fun in present buying is knowing the recipient.

OP posts:

Grapejuicerocks · 11/05/2015 13:39

Say you will, when the other dcs get presents from his side of the family. After all, you are a great believer in fairness and would hate the children to feel they are treated differently to each other.

Actually the 2yr old ds is the only one getting presents from both sides of the family. This could be awkward. But I still think his family should be expected to buy for all, if you are. Then again there are two extra that they would have to buy for and you would only have to buy one extra. It may not seem as personal if two of you don't receive a present. I'm twisting myself up in knots here.

I think on further reflection I would just buy her a present, but I would try to spend less on any old present in a sale that could be interpreted as more expensive, rather than trying to match up a really nice gift for the recipient that has been chosen with care.
So spend less, that looks more, but ticks all the boxes.

ImperialBlether · 11/05/2015 13:46

I think if you were visiting them all one day and decided to take them presents, then of course you should take one for her if she was there.

If you took them all out to the park and bought them, icecreams, then of course you should buy her one if she's there.

But - she doesn't know you, does she? You don't see her. It's ridiculous then that you should buy her a gift.

He sounds like one of those parents who insists everyone goes to the party when only one has been invited!

I'm more worried when you say he isn't kind to her children. Can you talk to her about that?

SaucyJack · 11/05/2015 13:57

He sounds like an arse, but I'd buy a little something for her if they're all going to be opening presents together at Christmas.

Not nice to leave one small child out IMO- and yes I do put my money where my mouth is regarding step-relatives in my own family

AuntyMag10 · 11/05/2015 13:57

Yanbu, he can't dictate to you what you should be doing given his own family doesn't reciprocate. And A has married and had a child with this man who isn't very kind to her children? She doesn't seem all that good a parent as well.

hennybeans · 11/05/2015 14:10

I disagree with the majority, although I do think the DH sounds U and I wouldn't buy DD a present just to appease him. I would buy all the DC a gift so as not to hurt the DD's feelings.

When I was a child, my DSDad's parents would send presents every year to my (half) brother and not me and it genuinely hurt my feelings. It was nothing to do with the actual present as they weren't really great gift givers, but the subtle message that I wasn't their grandchild. It was hurtful to me, although I don't think it was intentional. It just made Christmas morning that bit awkward.

My dad's family on the other hand, always sent gifts to both me and my (half) brother, let him call them 'aunt'/ 'uncle'/ 'grandma' even though they weren't actually at all related.

One more present when you're already buying 3 won't hurt. Maybe even just send one to the DD on the years that she is with GD's family at Christmas.

wiltingfast · 11/05/2015 14:11

I don't know. Their bringing it up with you is beyond strange and totally unreasonable.

However, I have to comment I also think it is a bit odd to be sending three gifts into a house where there are four children?

I don't find it at all hard to believe that a 7yo might feel upset at being left out when said presents are opened. Children have a rigorous sense of unfairness in my experience and even adults struggle at being "left out" never mind a 7yo. Does A say she is upset?

That said, you are the gift giver and it is up to you in the end. I wouldn't engage with him about it (you'll do it if his family do it etc etc) though, just carry on or whatever it is you decide to do.

ivykaty44 · 11/05/2015 14:15

Say yes and DC has to visit with other DC and send thank you letter

Grapejuicerocks · 11/05/2015 14:18

But henny you knew them. DSD doesn't know these people from Adam. I can see why you were really upset.

QueenofallIsee · 11/05/2015 14:18

If his family and friends adopted this approach I would say it was a clumsy approach, but OK. The fact that they don't and you are expected to because you are well off (i.e he is after good shit not recognition that she is family) would lead me to a firm fuck off, sorry. You Goddaughter might accept his shit but you don't have to.

NickiFury · 11/05/2015 14:21

Personally I would buy for all four, if I was buying for three, they are a sibling group after all.

He sounds like a real piece of work though .

Original poster

MythicalKings · 11/05/2015 14:35

Your Goddaughter might accept his shit but you don't have to.

That's the conclusion I've come to.

DSD opens presents from people who haven't sent to A's DCs at Christmas and the presents from me keep the balance, I think. I'm not letting his control of his family extend to me. I am concerned for A but her mum says she picks him up on it when he's being a git and stands up for the DCs.

Had a quick chat to A's mum who said, "Don't you dare!" Of course, if I was visiting, then I'd take something for all the DCs who would be there. But that's not likely to happen. I will probably never see his DD again and it's daft to buy presents for people you don't know. You kind people have convinced me even more.

OP posts:

AreYouSureGeorgeBernard · 11/05/2015 14:52

"I'm guessing he'd been nagging and nagging so she eventually said something so that he'd shut up."

But even if she was too brain-washed not to tell him no and that he's being bloody entitled, rude and grabby, why didn't she just tell him she'd raised it with you but it was out of the question, not actually raise it with you? Or even to bring it into conversation with you in terms of "You'll never guess what my cheeky husband thinks you should do"?

I still think she's as rude as he is!

As for the DH making a claim on your money because you're ""better off" than they are", words fail me.

quietasamouse · 11/05/2015 16:27

Just a firm no. Any kind of present would be saying he is right. Which he is not.

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