Husband and Washing Machine

[MarianneSolong]

This morning my daughter was going off to school and husband (retired) going off for a day's walking with friends. I am off to work at 11.45. Just as daughter and husband were preparing to leave I opened the washing machine - load done overnight and a whole lot of water gushed out. I then closed the door tried to see if I could spin the washing dry. No spinning but this activated the mechanism which locked the door. I discovered the manual and realised my best chance of getting the washing out might be to drain the machine, by getting out the panel at the bottom and unplugging the hose.

At this point my husband appeared and asked if I needed a hand. As it's a one person job - cramped area by sink/kettle etc, I said no. He then asked if it would be possible at some point before he left for him to boil a kettle to fill his flask with coffee.

At this point I got really cross with him, and said it was incredibly selfish to have asked as he could see I was busy trying to sort a problem. (We're going away tomorrow so it's not an ideal time to fix repairs.) Did he really need coffee as it's a warm day - it was hardly urgent? His line was that as he'd asked if I needed help and I had said no, it was perfectly reasonable to have then asked whether he'd be able to get his coffee sorted.

What do you think?

Yes check the filter, I've had to do this a few times and it's normally money or lego figures in there in my house. Good luck and I hope it gets sorted quickly.

OP You sound as if you have a lot on at the moment. AIBU probably isn't the best place for you right now!

In order to deal with the 'difficult readjustments in our relationship' you might have to occasionally accept that you're being unreasonable, which in this particular case, you are.

Sorry you're so stressed OP. I think if your first post had been about your situation with work, your husband's retirement, etc, you'd have received a lot of sympathy. This can be a great place for help and support in that type of situation. Perhaps on a different board too, like chat or relationships. AIBU can be tough, particularly when not all info is given straight up, and an issue that looks trivial is actually one small part of a much bigger, more stressful picture.

Well the filter should be at the front next to the hose for emptying? It's a bit of a bugger to unscrew the first time but I'll hazard a guess that's your problem.

Yabu. Poor guy asked to help. You sound very stressed.

Tbh I think you should have asked him to sort out the washing machine as he was only off out for a walk and you needed to go to work. But I understand that sometimes it seems easier to just do it yourself.

Hope the day gets better.

My pet hate is when someone says no when they mean yes. My DH does this all the time and it drives me crazy.

You're being unreasonable, sorry.

Of course you shouldn't have got really cross & called him selfish!

He was only asking!

Just apologise for snapping.

Was there really nothing that he could have helped with?

YABVU, but it's clearly not really about the kettle.

Can't you send him back to work as you don't seem happy he's retired?

Yanbu, he could have just waited a bit rather than asking you to move.

My washing machine often does what yours did (you said it had towels and dressing grown) so lots of heavy stuff. Mine won't spin if the stuff inside is too heavy as it will break the drum. Try spinning it will nothing in it

Sorry op I still think yabu. If you had to run up and down the stairs he could have helped you.

You obviously have a lot on and are stressed. So let people help you, if he offered to help, say yes. Can you run these upstairs?

If your life is going through some difficult times, you need to discuss that with your dh and find ways to get threw it together. Not shout at him.

YABU about this. But your husband, especially as he is retired, should be stepping up and dealing with things like this.

I work, DH doesn't. He wouldn't expect me to deal with a broken appliance before I go to work, and I wouldn't expect to either tbh! I probably would have got cross as well under the circumstances but that doesn't mean it was right.

Ease up everyone. You won't be making the poor soul feel any better about herself. No one is a saint here but you are being a bit mean.

Your OH was being entirely reasonable, he seems like he politely asked if it was possible. If it really wasn't all you had to say was "it would be easier if you didn't tbh, maybe but coffee when you're out" or something. You sound stressed however and owe your OH an apology for snapping.

You sound stressed, OP, but you should have taken him up on his offer for help. Not refused and then snapped at him for wanting to do something else instead. YABU, but it's no big deal - just apologise for snapping and enjoy your holiday.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but you didn't mention any of that in your OP and, in this instance, you were being unreasonable.

As pp says, if help is offered and you require it, accept it; don't refuse and then moan that you didn't get any. Yes, the situation was very annoying, but that's life. Yesterday there were no parking spaces near my house, so I had to park 20 minutes' walk away with a car-load of shopping, a toddler and a newborn. I didn't have a pram or a sling as I had been in a rush that morning when I left the house. I'm in recovery from a pelvic injury. As I say, it was annoying.

If you come on AIBU, you come prepared to be told you are. You were.

I'd have asked for help later on, I think - with rinsing the washing and hanging it out. And with moving the heavy washing machine. But by that time he'd gone for his 12 mile country walk with the walking group.

I'd have asked for help later on, I think... But by that time he'd gone for his 12 mile country walk with the walking group.

Well he would have done, given that you'd already said no to him helping and him not being a mindreader.

Just to be clear YABU about the kettle. You may absolutely not be being unreasonable about everything else. But you asked about the kettle, not everything else.

So what are you actually angry about; working hard while he's retired; still doing everything while he's retired; not having time to indulge your hobbies; him not being psychic; the massive burden of caring?

We can all be unreasonable at times of stress. I know I can, and OP, I do think you know you were.

He offered to help but you didn't want him to. He then asked, probably with some trepidation, if he could use the kettle for a few minutes to make his flask of coffee in time to go out and join his walking group.

You lost your rag with a person who had offered to help you, and called them "incredibly selfish". He wasn't selfish at all. Nor were you, but you hugely overreacted due to your stress levels. You seemed to expect us all to say how perfectly reasonable you were and how awful he was, but that didn't happen.

Just admit that you handled it badly and apologise to him. He is probably now hoping that by the time he gets home you have calmed down so that he and your daughter are not walking on eggshells around you. Hopefully he is the forgiving kind, and there is no point in letting the atmosphere continue. What would that achieve?

he was being a bit stupid the last thing you need with a washing machine crisis is someone wanting there coffee

i would have flung the kettle at him if i were you

but im not a morning person

Oh I'd have snapped too, OP -- I absolutely hate it when machines go wrong. And you were working that day while your DH was not .. I'd have snapped a lot!

But you're human enough to wonder whether YWBU so asked here. I think you're getting a bit of an unfair kicking (but this could be because I have been struggling with a dishwasher that's not rinsing properly & a dud television aerial) grrrrr I hate it when these things which should make our lives easier actually take up time I don't have!