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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for money if they insist on giving gifts?

34 replies

TheIliad · 10/05/2015 15:09

Hiya, a regular but have name changed as I'm worried about being identified!
My DP and I are due to get married in December. It's a fairly low key wedding, around 50 guests with friends and family from both sides. The most important thing to us is being married, not the wedding so we are keeping it casual. The issue is that we have had a few requests from guests for a present list. DP and I have been living together for ages, have everything we need and in all honesty are not into 'stuff.' It sounds so awful, but I can literally think of nothing worse than our house being cluttered up with 'stuff' after the wedding, which people bought because they felt they should, but which we don't really need. We are not super rich or anything (far from it!) but neither of us get particularly excited over household appliances or accessories, I'm not a bags and shoes kinda girl, and we just don't really get attached to things. We have stressed this to our guests, and suggested if they really want to get us something, to make a donation to one of the charities we support. My MIL to be - who is absolutely lovely but quite traditional - is refusing to accept this, saying she wants to treat us, not a charity which is obviously a lovely, lovely gesture. DP suggested asking them to donate a token amount (whatever they would have spent on a gift) to our travelling fund instead, as we are planning a round the world trip next year, and would rather have money for that than a toaster IYSWIM? (This is the other reason we don't want gifts, as we are renting the house out and need to find storage.) I know from Mumsnet that asking for money for a wedding is a huge no no, but WIBU to suggest it in this situation? Or am i being a horrible selfish DIL?? I just have fears of being inundated with toasters and gift vouchers...

OP posts:
Fatmomma99 · 10/05/2015 15:14

We had friends who requested a tree. I forgot where from, but I think it was the Forestry Commission. They plant it and you get a grid reference if you ever want to go and visit it. We liked it so much we brought it for two more friends - a couple who were very green-y and a cousin who was a big walker.

Is there anything you might need for your amazing trip that your MiL-to-be could buy for you? I'm thinking suitcases.

Or how about money towards a lovely meal out for family before you leave?

Good luck, and enjoy your wedding.

FriskyMare · 10/05/2015 15:16

I would much rather give you a donation to your charity or trip than buy a gift just for the sake of it. When one of my cousins got married they sat up a JustGiving page so my lot gave half what we would normally spend ona a wedding present to the charity and half in vouchers.

CapnMurica · 10/05/2015 15:16

In my experience, if you put on your invites that you don't want gifts, people will give you money.

I would do that rather than get into a long explanation.

Littlemonstersrule · 10/05/2015 15:17

Just do a small gift list. There must be a few things you need or that will need replacing at some point in the future like towels, sheets etc.

Asking for money for a holiday is crass and grabby and I'd not be happy to contribute as a couple should pay for their own. If you don't need or want anything then ask for photos of the day or their favourite recipe for a scrap book etc.

expatinscotland · 10/05/2015 15:17

Just insist on NO gifts or a charity donation. If anyone gives you other things, give them away or flog.

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz1234 · 10/05/2015 15:17

If you are being pestered by people who want to buy you gifts why don't you just find a few things that you would like. Multiple toasters are not good but surely something like new towels or bedding would be nice?
If you really don't want 'stuff' you could ask for some wine.

I would always want to give someone a gift they wanted be it cash or whatever but, if you are close to the bride and groom it is nicer to give a proper gift.

FriskyMare · 10/05/2015 15:20

Are their any experiences on your trip that people could buy for you? Helicopter rides, boat trip, running out of ideas, or a new camera to record your honeymoon, photo book voucher for your return?

Original poster
TheIliad · 10/05/2015 15:28

Thanks everyone for your replies, I do feel guilty and like I'm being a dreadful snob or something, I don't want people thinking 'Oh, my gifts aren't good enough for you!' Littlemonster that is exactly what we want to avoid, people thinking we're just being grabby! DP's attitude is that they would have spent the money anyway, but there seems to be a difference between asking for an experience and asking for a gift! Fatmomma I LOVE the tree idea, will definitely look into that! Or the idea of a gift related to our trip, like a photo book. We are asking guests if they mind have a picture taken as they arrive to go into a wedding photo book, so it would be lovely to have the sequel as it were! My own DM is very much of the 'towels and sheets' mindset, but it seems a waste to me for people to buy lovely bedding and things, only to have it sit in storage for who knows how long. Thanks for all the replies, interesting to hear how people would feel about being asked!

OP posts:
themummyonthebus · 10/05/2015 15:37

It's only on mn that I've seen this horror about asking for money as a gift. All of my circle have got married late and so have no particular need for stuff. Most have asked for contributions to honeymoon/travel and I was happy to oblige (if you're feeling particularly inventive you could suggest experiences they could book for you so you have things organised in the places you visit).

Fatmomma99 · 10/05/2015 15:46

I'm so happy you like the trees! Smile Good luck with finding them yourself.

I should just say that when I'm asked for money at a wedding I don't really like it because (a) it does feel a bit greedy (b) I like giving actual things. I've been married for almost 25 years, and we still use and appreciate the things we were given (some of them... some went straight to charity!) and in some cases remember who the gift came from, which gives me the warm fluffies because it reminds me of a very happy day in my life. And finally (c) I feel a bit uncomfortable about showing so blatantly how much we've spent. And kind-of guilted into being more generous that I may want to be. Esp if it's a relative or close friend.

But in YOUR case, Iliad I do understand why because 'stuff' can deteriorate if it's in storage.

mynewpassion · 10/05/2015 16:09

I think its fine. He can bring it up to his mother. Personally I like contributing money to big stuff like honeymoon trips rather than buying an unwanted toaster. Its going to better use.

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz1234 · 10/05/2015 17:04

If it's just your MIL who is bothered why can't you think of something she can get you. There must be something that you and your DH would like.

I never mind giving cash but I can see that if you were a Mum then it would be nice to get an actual gift.

wheresthelight · 10/05/2015 17:15

I do find the honeymoon and holiday money requests awful. when I married exh we advised on the invites (no crap poems I promise) that all we wanted was for people to share in our day but for those who wanted to give a gift then we would appreciate money towards helping us redo our kitchen so we did a list of bits that people could buy towards that (think drawer fronts, cupboard doors, door handles etc) so nothing was more than about £25 I think

troubliphone · 10/05/2015 17:39

We had a just giving page with details of our charity, a message from us, photo, a few words about the wedding, etc. and put the link on the email invite. We raised about 1k.

SomethingOnce · 10/05/2015 19:11

Are you seriously suggesting that there's nothing, nothing, you can't cobble together into a list from John Lewis? Confused

DinkyDye · 10/05/2015 19:17

Agree with a pp, I'd much rather contribute to a bigger gift you'd want than a toaster you don't. And the more l read 'grabby' on here the gladder l am of the friends l have!

I'm going to a wedding this weekend and the gift registry is vouchers from a specific department store or vouchers for travel. Great idea for both.

rookiemere · 10/05/2015 19:31

I really don't think you can ask for monetary contributions for your honeymoon, all you can do is stress how much you aren't expecting a present and that you absolutely have everything you need for your house.

For your MIL could you ask her to pay to get one of your wedding photos put in a nice frame - you're probably going to do this anyway, so why not ask her for that as a specific gift.

Suzietastic · 10/05/2015 19:37

my friend asked for travel vouchers. I think they may have been Thomas Cook. I thought it was great and they had a lovely time too.

wigglesrock · 10/05/2015 19:56

I agree with moneyonthebus - this horror at money as wedding gifts exists on MN far more than any where I've seen in real life. Most people I know give or get money as wedding gifts. I got married 16 years ago and had a wedding list and mainly got presents (it was our first house). My sister got married 3 years ago and I can't think of anyone who bought her a present. No one thought anything of it.

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 10/05/2015 20:01

I wouldn't thank anyone for photo frames, ornaments or similar household tat and my friends and relatives wouldn't thank me for a list at John Lewis seeing as there isn't one for at least 30 miles and most things are quite expensive compared with other shops.

Yeasayer · 10/05/2015 20:10

We asked for money (not outright, I hasten to add!) instead of gifts, as have all of our friends. I think it's becoming common practice as people tend to live together before they get married now so rarely need anything.

Can you ask your MIL to contribute to something specific on your trip? I can't see a problem with spending money on fantastic experiences rather than stuff you don't want / need.

dailyfix · 10/05/2015 20:15

I would feel uncomfortable giving money as a gift probably same age as MIL, but I'd happily give to your charity or buy you something for your trip e.g. mosquito nets & deet, a rucksack, travel insurance or a PADI dive.

Original poster
TheIliad · 10/05/2015 20:18

Thanks everyone for the replies. In all honesty, we are not really John Lewis people...totally get the point many have made about the niceness of giving an actual gift, and I have to say normally I agree - I love choosing and wrapping presents and seeing the recipients face! I just really don't want anyone to waste their money for the sake of it, all our friends and family work really hard and I hate to think of them spending their money on something they think they should buy. We are just a bit studenty and have zero interest in matching plate sets or kitchen appliances; I don't think, hand on heart I could describe the decor of a room in our house in detail, it's just somewhere where we live! I think suggesting something for the trip is probably the best way to go, so people don't feel like we are snubbing their gifts! Good idea about a link to a charity as well - some people may feel more comfortable. Thanks again for all your advice!

OP posts:
TracyBarlow · 10/05/2015 20:21

Can't you ask MIL to get you a lovely 'going away' outfit to wear the day after the wedding? It's nice to wear something new and a bit special to stay in the little wedding bubble a little bit longer.

Ceejay14 · 10/05/2015 20:24

We got married last year and had the same thing, lived together for a couple of years so didn't need anything for the house. We didn't want to ask for money but actually did just want contributions to the honeymoon (if people wanted to give anything, we made it really clear that nothing was expected). So we used this company www.buy-our-honeymoon.com ... We created a gift list of things for the honeymoon eg excursions, champagne on the flight, cocktails at the hotel and we could set the amounts as we wanted so loads at the lower end of the scale. It is transferred to you as cash. We took photos of us enjoying what people bought for us, so we could include them in our thank you cards. Worked really well for us.

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