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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

So now I'm a cruel person because I'm unlikely to have a second child.

73 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 10/05/2015 13:16

AIBU to think that some people spout out such utter, made up garbage in order to try and make a point?

I've posted a few times about my DH not wanting DC2 but that's an aside from this post.

When I was at work yesterday my colleagues were doing the usual, "When are you going to have another?" to which I replied I most likely wasn't as DH wasn't keen.

I then had to listen to three people sit there and tell me how incredibly cruel it is to only have one child and then one lady even said that in her culture it's actually considered to be child abuse to not provide siblings. I'm pretty sure that's 100% bollocks and she was just saying it to back up her stupid views.

Then one of them started talking about an adult 'only' who'd been left psychologically scarred as a result of being an only child as apparently the parents were so suffocating of her and always talking to her because there wasn't another child to talk to?! WTF. According to this 'tale' the child had never been allowed to develop or become independent as a result of her parents decision to only have one child and the damage could never be repaired....

I then had to listen to lots of, "I'd hate to be an only child..." said with complete disdain at the thought of such 'hell' being forced upon a child.

They continued with their horror stories and anecdotes about the 'only child they know who is unhappy/sad/lonely etc etc' - all of which I'm sure were either fictitious or very embellished with the sole purpose to guilt me.

I then said that actually my DH's concerns about having another baby were based around my health problems (of which they know about) and then surprise, surprise, they all back tracked. "Well that's different then isn't it..." they all chorused.

So apparently, as long as there's a health reason for not having a second child then it means the parents aren't cruel abusers and their anecdotes no longer apply

I guess their opinions and stories only stretch to the parents who choose to not have another child for the perfectly fine reason that they are happy with just one.

The whole conversation was just ridiculous. Do people really not engage their brains when they speak sometimes?!

After that I had to listen to them tell me how I should 'accidentally' get pregnant behind DH's back as sometimes "men just need a push in the right direction."

I told them that if in future I needed moral advice they'd be the last people I'd turn to.

OP posts:

SolasEile · 10/05/2015 17:21

Well we had DC2 precisely because of these worries about DC1 being an 'only child' and being lonely as I come from a culture (Ireland) where having an only child is almost a criminal offense. Seriously, there was only one girl in my class at school who was an only child and that was because her father died and her mother never remarried! Two was the absolute minimum of acceptability.

So we had DC2 and, while she's lovely and we don't regret her of course, it's been really really hard. DH can't cope at all with going back to the baby stage so I do all the care for her. It has been really exhausting and pushed us to the limit of our coping ability. We have no family help or anyone to give us a break. I never imagined it would be this hard having 2 under 3! And yet the 2 kids, 2 years apart thing is the absolute norm and what is expected.

I think if more people had the courage of their convictions and had the family they wanted rather than the family they feel they should have, people would be a lot happier.

Bambambini · 10/05/2015 18:03

I can understand having a talk about the pros and cons of only children but they sound way OTT. I think some people just think that when folk are choosing to have one child - that perhaps they should consider the pros and cons and how it might feel for the child - not just in childhood but as they grow older.

I know some people who are sad they are only children. They have no family left and feel on their own, had to care and watch their parents die on their own etc. I also know people with siblings who have had a lot of heartache and trouble and just don't get on.

fiveacres · 10/05/2015 18:12

But bambambini there are far, far too many variables and possibilities in life to state 'an only child will have no family left!' I have no family left but I wasn't an only child. I had two siblings who died: one in infancy (cot death) and one in his 30s! It happens.

There is one reason for having a baby - one. Because you want a son or a daughter. No one should have a baby to give their child a sibling!

NoArmaniNoPunani · 10/05/2015 18:18

I'm one of four, I'm no contact with my sister and minimal contact with older brother. Younger brother is nice but I don't see a lot of him. Having siblings is no guarantee they'll be close.

diddl · 10/05/2015 18:23

Was it because you said that your husband wasn't keen, thus implying that you are, so they were trying to give you ammo to use?

Baddz · 10/05/2015 18:23

I am eldest of 3
I would have loved being an only :(
Your colleagues are ignorant and rude.
Ignore.

hiccupgirl · 10/05/2015 18:34

Your colleagues are rude and BU.

I have an only partly through choice but as it turns out now he's 5, it was by far the best decision we could have made - DH now has a chronic health condition and struggles with caring for 1 child sometimes, 2 would have broken him and us.

Some days I do feel sorry for DS but I know how much myself and my DB fought as kids and know that would destroy our family now. So basically it is what it is and I will do my best to ensure DS has opportunities to have lots of friends and sees his cousins regularly.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 10/05/2015 18:34

Thanks everyone for your replies. My 12 year old cousin is an only child and she seems perfectly fine. Every time I go round she is surrounded by her friends and has never given to me the impression she is lonely.

Sometimes I read threads on MN, usually in the Parenting section, written by exhausts mothers who are at breaking point trying to cope with the demands of their multiple children and it scares the life out of me. I cruelly don't think I could mentally and emotionally cope with the stress and exhaustion that done posts portray.

OP posts:

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 10/05/2015 18:35

That some posts portray.

OP posts:

Aermingers · 10/05/2015 18:38

I have had this SO MUCH. I had my son via fertility treatment and like a lot of people who've had fertility treatment I'm going to struggle to fund much of it to try for a second one, so it's not very likely.

People grow up fine without siblings if they have good parents. The quality of parenting is what matters, not siblings.

Perhaps if they bring it up again you should tell them that's what you suggest and point out that children who are born to parents who are prepared to be so rude and personal to a colleague probably stand a lot less chance of turning out decent than your child does.

aprilanne · 10/05/2015 18:57

i was an only child .i have 3 sons because i did,nt like being myself .but i certainly was,nt traumatised just like company thats all .dont worry your little one will be fine its not the end of the world .better a happy only child than have a sibling with an unwell mum that would be worse .

Stillyummy · 10/05/2015 19:01

I am an only child and I turned out ok. Though if I was eating a muffin and someone asked me to share and I said no, I can guarantee someone would say "only child". Witch would annoy me as my desire to eat cake does not stem from some deep unmet phycological need.

canyou · 10/05/2015 19:07

Everyone is an expert on everyone else's life drives me bananas.
If it helps We have 1 dd, will only have a second dc if a medical miracle occurs. But I was selfish and not meeting Dd's needs if she was an only child.
Since the we have fostered DP's 4 nieces and nephews and now I am selfish bringing these DC into the home as with that many DC how can I meet Dd and everyone else's needs

Tizwailor · 10/05/2015 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iliketeaalot · 10/05/2015 19:29

I hate the fact that people assume you can 'just' have another baby. I remember being grilled by some older friends of dh's cousin as to why we hadn't at that point (after 5 or so years of marriage) had dc yet. First, it's none of your business and second, we've been trying for ages and it hasn't happened yet. I'm now lucky enough to have ds but out of three pregnancies, two have ended in miscarriage. I'd love to have another but I have no idea if I'll be able to, so anyone talking about being selfish, or (as I heard recently) 'banging a load of children out' is rude and unthinking. Just ignore them OP - your family, your body, your choice.

Babymamamama · 10/05/2015 21:46

It is such a pain isn't it this constant offering of opinions by people who are not even close to you. I get it often. I normally manage to silence them by saying I probably couldn't have another. It's not true as far as I know, but that's not their business and I prefer to leave them pondering whether I am trying/infertile or whatever rather than having to explain myself further.
We are happy as a three. I think the assumption that siblings always get on and are a support to each other is ridiculous. It can be like that but it can also go completely the other way, where children vie for the attention of their parents, or parents have a favourite and some poor mites get missed out completely. Some siblings can't stand each other and would definitely have preferred to have been an only.

Also, it's not a given that all siblings will help out equally when parents get old. It will normally fall to the most dutiful, or the one that lives closest, enabling the others to take a minimal role. At least that's what I've observed from the experiences of my older relatives in dealing with great/grand parents.

chillychicken · 10/05/2015 21:54

I'm an only child and whilst I'm a bit shy and not great at making friends, I had a fantastic childhood and wouldn't have wanted it to be any different.

My DS is likely to be an only child and I was concerned that a boy might need a sibling to avoid being lonely but I asked my friend and he said it was brilliant being an only child and he never once wanted a sibling so it's completely put my mind at rest.

My DH has a few siblings and likes 50% of them. The other 50% he rarely speaks to.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 10/05/2015 22:01

DD is an only, born in the last gasp of DW's fertility. Bringing her up on an HGV driver's income nearly killed me in the first 2 years.

However, she's incredibly gregarious and her friends, cousins, uncles and aunts all love her dearly. Remarkably unspoilt too.

WyrdByrd · 10/05/2015 22:07

Amazing how many ignorant,insensitive types there are still spouting this crap in 2015.

FWIW, I'm an only child - it's never really been as issue for me, although recently dealing single-handedly with elderly depressed/cantankerous parents is proving something of a challenge.

But then lots of my friends find dealing with their siblings, or with their multiple children challenging (I also have an only DD - she is delighted not to have siblings & we have a fantastic relationship).

Hopefully these idiots won't bring the subject up again, but really, if they do, please don't hesitate to shut them down in the quickest & bluntest way possible.

Floggingmolly · 10/05/2015 22:17

All the onlies so I know; their parents go out of their way to ensure almost constant play dates, friends taken on days out / holidays, etc. in a way that parents of multiple children don't.
Yet the kids with siblings are very rarely "best friends" with their sibs, and would love the chance to have their friends included in everything.
Only children certainly don't, or don't have to miss out socially.
Rather the opposite.

TooOldForGlitter · 10/05/2015 22:23

Oh OP ignore these arseholes. For a start it's none of their bloody business! You do what is right for your family and fuck the rest of 'em.

For what it's worth I'm one of four. I'm glad I have my sister's, we are friends. Both sister's have three children. My late brother has two. I have one. She's 12. She's bloody brilliant. A cheeky, smart, funny, popular pain in the arse! Now she's older people have finally stopped asking me when I'm having another. That, or they got tired of hearing me say Fuck Off

TooOldForGlitter · 10/05/2015 22:42

as an aside, despite having three siblings, or three for much of my life, I'm shy and introverted. I'm quiet, not very intelligent, not popular at school, all the things only children are supposed to be. It's got bugger all to do with siblings its about the individual person. I look at my only daughter and marvel that this confident gorgeous cocky little creature is part of me.

sweetboysmum · 10/05/2015 23:02

I'd have loved a second child but it's just never happened. The amount of digs I get from 'friends' is shocking. It was hurtful recently when a friend who knows the troubles we've had, really seemed out to hurt my feelings. I wonder if sometimes people think they have one up on you - or maybe I'm just thinking of this particular person.

I've never got on with my db, we're pleasant to each other now but only meet at our parents house or special occasions. I truly wouldn't have minded having no siblings.

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