Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So now I'm a cruel person because I'm unlikely to have a second child.

73 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 10/05/2015 13:16

AIBU to think that some people spout out such utter, made up garbage in order to try and make a point?

I've posted a few times about my DH not wanting DC2 but that's an aside from this post.

When I was at work yesterday my colleagues were doing the usual, "When are you going to have another?" to which I replied I most likely wasn't as DH wasn't keen.

I then had to listen to three people sit there and tell me how incredibly cruel it is to only have one child and then one lady even said that in her culture it's actually considered to be child abuse to not provide siblings. I'm pretty sure that's 100% bollocks and she was just saying it to back up her stupid views.

Then one of them started talking about an adult 'only' who'd been left psychologically scarred as a result of being an only child as apparently the parents were so suffocating of her and always talking to her because there wasn't another child to talk to?! WTF. According to this 'tale' the child had never been allowed to develop or become independent as a result of her parents decision to only have one child and the damage could never be repaired....

I then had to listen to lots of, "I'd hate to be an only child..." said with complete disdain at the thought of such 'hell' being forced upon a child.

They continued with their horror stories and anecdotes about the 'only child they know who is unhappy/sad/lonely etc etc' - all of which I'm sure were either fictitious or very embellished with the sole purpose to guilt me.

I then said that actually my DH's concerns about having another baby were based around my health problems (of which they know about) and then surprise, surprise, they all back tracked. "Well that's different then isn't it..." they all chorused.

So apparently, as long as there's a health reason for not having a second child then it means the parents aren't cruel abusers and their anecdotes no longer apply Hmm

I guess their opinions and stories only stretch to the parents who choose to not have another child for the perfectly fine reason that they are happy with just one. Hmm

The whole conversation was just ridiculous. Do people really not engage their brains when they speak sometimes?!

After that I had to listen to them tell me how I should 'accidentally' get pregnant behind DH's back as sometimes "men just need a push in the right direction."

I told them that if in future I needed moral advice they'd be the last people I'd turn to.

OP posts:
VivienScott · 10/05/2015 14:04

Theyre probably the same colleagues who if you had another baby would moan about you taking maternity leave!

Oldraver · 10/05/2015 14:06

Just file them mentally as twats. I've been in this position where people have actually said its cruel to have an only. I didnt feel the need to justify myself as most of our decision was medical or that my DH really didnt want to be in the position again where he thought he could loose his wife ad or child.

Such people who are willing to verbally quosh you down are not worthy of an explanation

Hissy · 10/05/2015 14:07

I find that there is a ready-made phrase for such idiotic comments:

"Oh DO fuck off, now there's a dear."

EponasWildDaughter · 10/05/2015 14:11

I'm an only and both my parents are onlys. So very small family on my side!

I was allowed friends round all the time and was given tons of freedom to roam and visit other friends, so never felt lonely, and in fact enjoyed having my room and toys to myself when i chose.

I would say the down side may come later for onlys. When it comes to the care and attention to pay to aged parents when there is just one of you it can feel a difficult and lonely place although that may just be down to the subtle guilt tripping my mother does a lot of.

EponasWildDaughter · 10/05/2015 14:13

And yes, ignore the colleagues. People do tend to hold forth and spout utter rubbish on many subjects they know nothing about.

tobysmum77 · 10/05/2015 14:13

My mum's an only and 65. She's commented once in my memory that it would have been nice to have a sibling. This was in response to FIL (also an only) not wanting to meet his half brother (which she thought was odd). No psychological problems or reference to unhappy life or childhood however.

tobysmum77 · 10/05/2015 14:14

And how utterly rude and offensive are they.....

ThursdayLast · 10/05/2015 14:15

Oh hell, what IS wrong with people?!

CloserThanYesterday · 10/05/2015 14:17

That's ridiculous.

Sharing a few genes doesn't guarantee a fantastic relationship. I know just as many siblings who can't stand each other, feel obligated to tolerate each other for their parents sake (me), or are just indifferent to each other as those who get on well and are close.

Can't help thinking that these parents who say siblings are a necessity are thinking more selfishly, about how much easier it is when the kids are small if you have a couple of them to entertain each other!

JCDenton · 10/05/2015 14:18

I'm an only and I've never wished for a sibling. DP tells me that the only time it shows that I'm an only is that I'm happy to wander off and do something alone if I want to, where others would need a companion, which I think is a positive.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2015 14:19

What a bunch of utter twats.

I wouldn't waste time talking to them about your family life any longer, if I were you.

If they ask again, say "thanks for your interest, I'll let you know" when it becomes any of your business (Not the last part, not out loud, just in your head)

Only children have just as much chance of coming through childhood scarred/not scarred as children with siblings, I believe.
My mother was apparently "scarred" through being an only, so she made sure I had siblings, one of whom I am NC with because he is a twat.

There are no absolutes - and lots of only children have a lovely time of it!

Keletubbie · 10/05/2015 14:19

I have one child, and I intend to keep it this way.

It works for me.

This morning I was able to sit and do a few hours SATs prep with her, and some baking and do so without having to focus on anything else. This would be impossible with more in tow.

Yes, she gets lonely at times. But her friends with siblings love coming round to be the centre of attention Grin

ThursdayLast · 10/05/2015 14:19

What about the selfish people having mire than one in an already overpopulated world? Grin

Nevth · 10/05/2015 14:21

Hi OP, I actually just registered to post this.

I can't emphasise enough how unintelligent and uninformed these type of comments are.

I am an only child, and have met lots of people from different type of families. Everyone carried some sort of legacy from their family, but it's rarely down to whether they are an only child or not, but rather about more complex family dynamics. People are also commonly trying to defend their own choices by projecting them unto someone else. Please ignore them.

As for me, I am now 25 and consider myself to have had a very happy childhood. I'm very independent and moved to another country at 18 to study, where I now live. Being an only child made it so much easier for me to relate to teachers and other adults I met when younger, and I have always seen that as an advantage. My mum took me to lots of playgroups etc to get interaction with kids.

Please don't worry - you sound great.

Lj8893 · 10/05/2015 14:22

I'm not likely to have a second child, I just don't see that in our future. I get similar opinions (although not quite as severe as the ones you have had). It's ridiculous isn't it!!
Also, my do is one of 5 and he would have loved to be an only child!!

IsadoraQuagmire · 10/05/2015 14:23

I LOVE being an only child (though I do have a half brother and sister, but they were grown up when I was born, so I've never seen much of them)
I had lots of friends when I was at school who hated their brothers and sisters, and avoided them as much as possible.
OP your colleagues sound bizarre.

JohnCusacksWife · 10/05/2015 14:53

Although they seem to have very extreme views on the subject I think lots of people do feel a bit sorry for only children. If you are used to bigger families it looks a lonelier kind of life. But that doesn't give them the right to be so rude! Poor you having to work alongside them.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 10/05/2015 14:56

Ridiculous. My DD is nearly 8 and an only child. I cant afford another and I'm not that bothered if I never had another baby.

murmuration · 10/05/2015 15:12

I'm an only and my parents were suffocating -- but I honestly don't think a sibling would have changed that. I often forget that I did have sibling for a year when another teen came to live with us, as it made so little difference in my life. You know how I plan to avoid suffocating my child? Not by giving her a sibling, but instead parenting differently!

I'm very conflicted on this, as I think I would like to parent a baby again, but I don't really want a larger family. My vicarious experience with siblings isn't great -- I have many friends with large problems with theirs, and my mother and her sister fell out over my grandmother's final days such that they didn't speak for nearly 2 years. I once read something that said 40% of siblings fall out over their parents end-of-life-care and/or dealing with the estate, so all that business about wanting someone else there for them when you're gone doesn't hold much water for me either.

BettyCatKitten · 10/05/2015 15:16

I'm quite envious of onelies!

wonkylegs · 10/05/2015 15:18

What horrible individuals.
7yo DS is an only child and quite independent but also good at socialising etc
He's considerably less spoilt than his 3 cousins and is generally a well rounded 7 yo.
DS isn't actually an only child by choice but due to health, miscarriage and problems conceiving has just ended up that way.
Families are all different and that adds to the richness of life.... There is no particular right way of making a family, as long as there is love.
1,2,3, etc children or even parents for that matter doesn't matter.

seaoflove · 10/05/2015 15:19

I am speechless that people have said such ridiculous and insulting things to you. I had no idea that being an only child was supposed to be so terrible. I spent my first ten years as an only and was perfectly happy.

crazypuglady · 10/05/2015 16:52

Oh well I must be cruel too. Currently pregnant with dconly and all I've heard for the last 5 weeks since we told people is 'ooooooo how many are you having?' Me: 'just this one' them: 'oh you'll change your mind when it gets here'

Pretty sure I won't actually. I'm an only, DH is an only. I spent my childhood hating going to other friends houses because they were just sooooooo noisy and boisterous. Yes I have childhood issues but that's because of a father from hell, not because I'm an only! Im having one child only for the pure and simple reason that I want to give my child a childhood like I had.

lastuseraccount123 · 10/05/2015 16:55

Time magazine did a great article about the prejudice around only children. Because that's what it is - prejudice. There's no actual science to back up the beliefs that only children are somehow scarred. In general, they were found to do much better than children from multi-sibling families- not surprising really when you consider how much more they'd get from their parents.

yes, they are idiots and YANBU.

makeminea6x · 10/05/2015 16:55

My DH is an only. He is probably the most psychologically complete person I know. If he's been so damaged by being an only one can only imagine what he'd be like with siblings - probably the Dalai Lama!

People are silly, ignore.

Swipe left for the next trending thread