To think DBil is an arse

[brotherhoodofspam]

DH's only sibling, DBil moved to the other side of the world 20 yrs ago where he's now married with 2DCs similar ages to our 2 (9 and 12). DH has always had a bit of a stormy relationship with him but we've kept in touch - Christmas and birthday presents for the kids and we've been out to visit twice. They haven't been here for more than 10 yrs which I know has hurt DPils (who use up most of their pension trying to visit them as often as possible). DPils are there just now and DH got a phone call from DBil yesterday (a rarity) to say they were coming over for a visit. DH was initially v. pleased, went to get calendar etc till DBil said that the fortnight they're coming he knows is the fortnight we're away on our Summer holiday. He realised we wouldn't be able to meet up (unless we could meet for a couple of hours on the way to the ferry) but was really just phoning to let us know that DPils won't now be able to look after our dog as arranged as they'll be spending time with them. DH is really hurt and is now saying "that's it, nothing more to do with them". He's also really hurt by his parents as he's imagining them all sitting planning this and thinking it's ok that the only time they're able to visit in 10 yrs is when they know we're away. I suspect PILs had no choice in it and are making the best of it, but I don't really know how to make DH feel any better about this and I hate to see him so hurt. I have suggested that once he's calmed down a bit he emails DBil and explains why he's upset but I don't think he will. DPils live near us and we do a lot with them but I think at the moment he's really pissed off with them too. So perhaps not AIBU more of a rant but any words of wisdom appreciated.

[Ohfourfoxache]

What a selfish prick

Think the dog is a separate issue tbh, he's just using it as an excuse to throw this weight around.

I feel very sorry for your pils but it sounds like your relationship with BIL is dead. Does he have a DP and do you get on? Could the dc be in contact with each other separately?

[BettyCatKitten]

Pil can have the dog now, surely.
As for bil he sounds awful, can't blame you DP for not bothering with him.

[KERALA1]

It's difficult with family when you are all adult and they are not people you would otherwise choose to spend time with. Sometimes I wish dh and I could have an amnesty with his parents and brother. We don't enjoy seeing them any more than they enjoy seeing us. It's all out of duty we have these awful stilted visits.just because we are nominally family we are forced into their company. Your bil obviously feels the same.

[chicaguapa]

Maybe PIL have put their foot down and refused to stay in a caravan 2 hrs away for a week. Maybe so they can look after your dog as they'd already agreed to. Maybe BIL has thrown his toys out the pram.

[brotherhoodofspam]

Romantic, I really don't know why need be trying to upset everyone but suspect it's just because he's utterly self centered and has decided this is the way he wants his holiday to be and doesn't give a thought to anyone else's feelings. He has form for being utterly thoughtless so this isn't out of the blue, just worse than usual.

[brotherhoodofspam]

Sorry, that was meant to be addressed to Romanov not romantic!

[brotherhoodofspam]

chicaguapa, DPils are going to go and stay near them for 4 days, it was BILs initial suggestion that they just go for the day which really upset them but they've told him they're going to go for longer

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

I really don't blame your dh for wanted to cut ties. Why would anyone bother trying to stay in contact with someone this selfish?

Where to start? The holiday? The single day visit? Ringing you to let you know Pils can't dog mind anymore, just for a four day visit??

Awful.

[CombineBananaFister]

Well he's just a twat then and everything has to revolve around him. Utterly selfish, so fuck him AND pils dont need to cancel dogsitting - poor all of you, he sounds like a self important tosser break ties and move on. Feel sorry for pils and gcs.

[brotherhoodofspam]

The sad thing is that I actually really like SIL and the kids get on well especially both our DSs. I don't think it will be possible to keep in touch with them if DH really doesn't want to have anything more to do with his brother.

[olgaga]

We have a similar situation with DHs only DB & DSILon the other side of the world - except they would like to have EVERY holiday together, alternating here and there.

I put my foot down 3 years ago after yet another miserable and stressy hol.

We've now had 2 wonderful hols just the 3 of us!

Your PILs are free to do whatever they like. So is your DBIL & family. And so do you and your family.

Your DH needs to get over it, and look on the positive aspects of avoiding this imperfect relationship.

[Lymmmummy]

YANBU -

Of course there could be valid grounds for the way the visit has been scheduled and a valid reason for any lack of effort on DBIL part with your DH - but if as is implied it's more a case of his preference over necessity then he sounds not a very nice person and best not bothered with - not sure I would go totally NC though can understand why your DH would wish to but I would just be very casual eg Xmas cards occasional email done at little cost or effort just keeping in touch for children's sake

TBH surprised you are not more annoyed given the effort and expense you have gone to to visit him etc you sound very reasonable given the circumstances - and yes I agree he has put he PIL in a dreadful position but I personally think they are a bit off for not having a go at BIL for the timings of the trip as effectively they are indulging him - though to be fair very difficult for them as sure they fear not seeing grandchildren

Ultimately it is what it is it is - we have been in a similiar position with DH and his DS and its so sad when we realise certain family members are not nice especially but it's probably time to move on and Perhaps see this as the an opportunity to rid yourself and your family of the obligation to visit his family and as another poster said the next time you have a big holiday do something to create great memories for your family whether it be Disneyland or whatever you prefer and forget about visiting him

[Bodyinpyjamas10]

Is there any way you can get your sil inside as she's nice and explain how upset dh is and how much pil have spent going to see them over the years.

Bil sounds like pil have spoilt him. What a shame.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

Posters on mn often recommend dialling back a family relationship for a variety of reasons. It seems that what bil has done. It's sad for your dh, but I don't think it makes bil a horrible person. He doesn't want to be close, perhaps doesn't want to see your family at all, but is doing you the courtesy of at least remaining cordial. It's a shame about the dog, but I think he did the honourable thing by speaking to you in person. It's sad but I think you have to accept that he is not interested in a relationship with your family though he also doesn't want a formal feud.

[brotherhoodofspam]

There wasn't much to dial back on to be frank. He hasn't visited for more than 10 years, it's not like he's been putting in any effort whatsoever to maintain a relationship but this just feels like a such a snub to DH.