To think DBil is an arse

[brotherhoodofspam]

DH's only sibling, DBil moved to the other side of the world 20 yrs ago where he's now married with 2DCs similar ages to our 2 (9 and 12). DH has always had a bit of a stormy relationship with him but we've kept in touch - Christmas and birthday presents for the kids and we've been out to visit twice. They haven't been here for more than 10 yrs which I know has hurt DPils (who use up most of their pension trying to visit them as often as possible). DPils are there just now and DH got a phone call from DBil yesterday (a rarity) to say they were coming over for a visit. DH was initially v. pleased, went to get calendar etc till DBil said that the fortnight they're coming he knows is the fortnight we're away on our Summer holiday. He realised we wouldn't be able to meet up (unless we could meet for a couple of hours on the way to the ferry) but was really just phoning to let us know that DPils won't now be able to look after our dog as arranged as they'll be spending time with them. DH is really hurt and is now saying "that's it, nothing more to do with them". He's also really hurt by his parents as he's imagining them all sitting planning this and thinking it's ok that the only time they're able to visit in 10 yrs is when they know we're away. I suspect PILs had no choice in it and are making the best of it, but I don't really know how to make DH feel any better about this and I hate to see him so hurt. I have suggested that once he's calmed down a bit he emails DBil and explains why he's upset but I don't think he will. DPils live near us and we do a lot with them but I think at the moment he's really pissed off with them too. So perhaps not AIBU more of a rant but any words of wisdom appreciated.

[brotherhoodofspam]

There wasn't much to dial back on to be frank. He hasn't visited for more than 10 years, it's not like he's been putting in any effort whatsoever to maintain a relationship but this just feels like a such a snub to DH.

[Theycallmemellowjello]

Posters on mn often recommend dialling back a family relationship for a variety of reasons. It seems that what bil has done. It's sad for your dh, but I don't think it makes bil a horrible person. He doesn't want to be close, perhaps doesn't want to see your family at all, but is doing you the courtesy of at least remaining cordial. It's a shame about the dog, but I think he did the honourable thing by speaking to you in person. It's sad but I think you have to accept that he is not interested in a relationship with your family though he also doesn't want a formal feud.

[Bodyinpyjamas10]

Is there any way you can get your sil inside as she's nice and explain how upset dh is and how much pil have spent going to see them over the years.

Bil sounds like pil have spoilt him. What a shame.

[Lymmmummy]

YANBU -

Of course there could be valid grounds for the way the visit has been scheduled and a valid reason for any lack of effort on DBIL part with your DH - but if as is implied it's more a case of his preference over necessity then he sounds not a very nice person and best not bothered with - not sure I would go totally NC though can understand why your DH would wish to but I would just be very casual eg Xmas cards occasional email done at little cost or effort just keeping in touch for children's sake

TBH surprised you are not more annoyed given the effort and expense you have gone to to visit him etc you sound very reasonable given the circumstances - and yes I agree he has put he PIL in a dreadful position but I personally think they are a bit off for not having a go at BIL for the timings of the trip as effectively they are indulging him - though to be fair very difficult for them as sure they fear not seeing grandchildren

Ultimately it is what it is it is - we have been in a similiar position with DH and his DS and its so sad when we realise certain family members are not nice especially but it's probably time to move on and Perhaps see this as the an opportunity to rid yourself and your family of the obligation to visit his family and as another poster said the next time you have a big holiday do something to create great memories for your family whether it be Disneyland or whatever you prefer and forget about visiting him

[olgaga]

We have a similar situation with DHs only DB & DSILon the other side of the world - except they would like to have EVERY holiday together, alternating here and there.

I put my foot down 3 years ago after yet another miserable and stressy hol.

We've now had 2 wonderful hols just the 3 of us!

Your PILs are free to do whatever they like. So is your DBIL & family. And so do you and your family.

Your DH needs to get over it, and look on the positive aspects of avoiding this imperfect relationship.

[brotherhoodofspam]

The sad thing is that I actually really like SIL and the kids get on well especially both our DSs. I don't think it will be possible to keep in touch with them if DH really doesn't want to have anything more to do with his brother.

[CombineBananaFister]

Well he's just a twat then and everything has to revolve around him. Utterly selfish, so fuck him AND pils dont need to cancel dogsitting - poor all of you, he sounds like a self important tosser break ties and move on. Feel sorry for pils and gcs.

[ShipwreckedAndComatose]

I really don't blame your dh for wanted to cut ties. Why would anyone bother trying to stay in contact with someone this selfish?

Where to start? The holiday? The single day visit? Ringing you to let you know Pils can't dog mind anymore, just for a four day visit??

Awful.

[brotherhoodofspam]

chicaguapa, DPils are going to go and stay near them for 4 days, it was BILs initial suggestion that they just go for the day which really upset them but they've told him they're going to go for longer

[brotherhoodofspam]

Sorry, that was meant to be addressed to Romanov not romantic!

[brotherhoodofspam]

Romantic, I really don't know why need be trying to upset everyone but suspect it's just because he's utterly self centered and has decided this is the way he wants his holiday to be and doesn't give a thought to anyone else's feelings. He has form for being utterly thoughtless so this isn't out of the blue, just worse than usual.

[chicaguapa]

Maybe PIL have put their foot down and refused to stay in a caravan 2 hrs away for a week. Maybe so they can look after your dog as they'd already agreed to. Maybe BIL has thrown his toys out the pram.

[KERALA1]

It's difficult with family when you are all adult and they are not people you would otherwise choose to spend time with. Sometimes I wish dh and I could have an amnesty with his parents and brother. We don't enjoy seeing them any more than they enjoy seeing us. It's all out of duty we have these awful stilted visits.just because we are nominally family we are forced into their company. Your bil obviously feels the same.

[BettyCatKitten]

Pil can have the dog now, surely.
As for bil he sounds awful, can't blame you DP for not bothering with him.

[Ohfourfoxache]

What a selfish prick

Think the dog is a separate issue tbh, he's just using it as an excuse to throw this weight around.

I feel very sorry for your pils but it sounds like your relationship with BIL is dead. Does he have a DP and do you get on? Could the dc be in contact with each other separately?

[NRomanoff]

So he called your dh to tell him your parents weren't looking after your dog for a two week holiday because they are visiting him for the day?

What did mil say about the dog?

Your dh shouldn't be annoyed at his parents. But, yes, your bil is a dick. Quite clearly he doesn't like your dh for whatever reason and is interfering in stuff just because he wants to.

To me this goes further than self centered when adding in the visit to the uk, but only seeing his parents for the day. He sound like he is going out of his way to cause upset. Do you have any idea why he would want to upset your dh and pils?

[BalloonSlayer]

Well yes then he clearly is an arse. He doesn't like you guys very much and has gone out of his way to make sure you know it.

In a way it's just as well that he is also snubbing your ILs because:

a) you now know it's not you, it's him
b) you will draw closer to ILs due to your mutual hurt
c) you will get your dog looked after after all

[fearandloathinginambridge]

Was going to say that with siblings there's always two sides to the story ie BIL may gave issues with your DH. However, having read the update it does seem BIL is a bellend.

[brotherhoodofspam]

Update. MIL has just phoned. It gets worse. Bil's family are only coming to UK for 4 days out of the fortnight, not visiting PILs but staying 2 hrs away and had suggested PILs come over and visit for a day only, this being their 1st trip here for 10 yrs. I think MIL is pretty hurt by this as well and if it wasn't for DGCs who they dote on probably wouldn't go. I've always thought he's a bit of a self centered sod but DH has made an effort to try and stay in touch. He now says this is the end any relationship which I find really sad but can understand.

[brotherhoodofspam]

Also, even if his dates are absolutely rigid (which I doubt) with a bit of discussion they could have had their week in France 1st then the week in UK and we could have at least spent their last weekend with them.

[brotherhoodofspam]

No they're not staying in our area, they're staying 2 hrs away from us (and PILs) so PILs will have to go over in their caravan and stay near them. We have plenty of room and a granny flat we've offered them to stay in any time they wanted.

[whathavewedonenow99]

Will they want to stay in your house as you won't be there?

[brotherhoodofspam]

Romanoff, he's upset because he thinks BIL is being v. thoughtless and clearly doesn't value their relationship, leaving it 10 yrs to visit then choosing a time when he knows we'll be away. He's v well off so could easily have come sooner if he could be bothered but instead seemed happy enough to let PILs take out 2nd mortgage to be able to go and see them as they wouldn't come here. (because he's a selfish dick). PILs have been out every 1 to 2 yrs as a result (and are there now) but we haven't seen them for about 4 yrs. We'll put the dog in kennels - I know she's our responsibility, but will be very lucky to get anywhere decent now as we're going away for the most popular fortnight.

[NRomanoff]

So dh is upset because he feel bil is coming over those 2 weeks on purpose.

Why does he think it will be on purpose?

Does bil not want to see dh? Or maybe wants to ensure the week he has here, he can spend with his parents? Or ruin your holiday?

Your bil does sound like a tit, but I failing to understand why you dh is getting so upset about it

[BalloonSlayer]

Sadly, the "stormy relationship" works both ways. It looks as if BIL doesn't want to see his brother and that's why he has booked those particular weeks.

I'd say it's time to say to yourselves "Message received and understood," dust yourselves off, book a kennels and concentrate on your own loving family in this country.

And next time you have saved up £10,000 for a long-haul holiday - you can take the DCs to Disneyland instead of feeling you ought to go to see BIL.