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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed on return from rare night away?

58 replies

mikado1 · 09/05/2015 22:39

Left yesterday to visit a friend, dh stayed home with ds. Unfortunately ds woke at ridiculous o'clock this morning which I was very sympathetic about. I got home in last hour and ds asleep since 7.30. I had been on train for nearly 4 hrs so was all chat about visit, which I was so grateful for as rarely go away overnight, and was also eager to hear about how the time went at home. Dh continued to gaze at tv while I talked-does this annoy anyone else?-and gave yes/no answers to my queries. I know he was exhausted but to me it feels so rude :/ anyway I called him on it and he stormed out saying he was going to bed, muttering under his breath.

Surely despite being wrecked he could have just said 'sorry I am tired out, I'll talk to you properly tomorrow'? I don't think it's ok to be so grumpy to someone else just because you're tired. It's kind of taken the enjoyment out of my night away.

OP posts:

HappyMeerkat · 10/05/2015 00:43

I think that he was tired, trying to relax after probably a hard long day. He may have wanted to go to bed, but perhaps thought that wouldn't have been good and that you may have wanted to see him and him you so he stayed up, so in his head perhaps he thought that was nice of him and again he's tired trying to relax whilst an argument could be had he could have engaged more with you I'm another if I am tired you won't get the best out of me so if this was the case to be called rude after a hard day would annoy me to and I may have gone to bed

justonemoretime2p · 10/05/2015 00:52

You went out for the day and when you got home DH didn't do or say what you wanted him to.
That spoilt your day?

I don't blame him for being tired and not wanting a conversation.

Jacana · 10/05/2015 01:15

So what was on the tele?

just wondering..[embarrassed] I get really antisocial if someone insists on talking when I really want to watch a programme

MidniteScribbler · 10/05/2015 01:41

The elderly relative that lives with me does this, and it drives me bonkers. "Did you have a nice day?" "Yes, we went to the movies." "Was it good?" "Yes." That's pretty much where I'm happy to finish the conversation, because I've had a busy day and just want ten minutes peace and quiet without someone talking at me. She however wants to prattle on about what Doris wore, and how the guy on the train next to her had his baseball cap on backwards, and that she bought popcorn at the movies but ate it all during the credits, and Doris has a doctors appointment next week to look at the corns on her feet. It's all a bit too much detail for me that I really don't need.

lornathewizzard · 10/05/2015 06:54

I think you're overthinking it. He was tired and probably actually interested in what he was watching.

DorisLessingsCat · 10/05/2015 07:28

YABU. He was watching TV, he didn't want to listen to you. You should have left it and caught up in the morning.

redfairy · 10/05/2015 07:29

TBH I'd be pissed off if I'd settled down to watch telly after a day of childcare and OH came in full of the joys rabbiting on about what a great day he'd had. So....YABU.

RumbleMum · 10/05/2015 07:34

YANBU IMO. I've been in your DH's position lots of times and while I'm sympathetic, you either remain civil or go to bed. Would have annoyed me too.

letscookbreakfast · 10/05/2015 07:36

He was obviously tired.

NRomanoff · 10/05/2015 07:40

I am gobsmacked at people so sure he was punishing the OP.

OP you been away you wanted to chat. He is tired and had a long day and was watching TV. Yes he could have told you, but also you could have picked up on it.

Neither of you went out of your way to be unreasonable. Just move on. If you feel bad for going away because he is tired when you get back, that's really your issue. Nothing unusual with being physically and mentally tired after a full day with the kids. Plenty of parents feel that way sometimes.

propelusagain · 10/05/2015 07:44

OP YABU and extremely insensitive.

mugglingalong · 10/05/2015 07:46

I had some of this yesterday dh was tired after a day of daycare and a bit huffy cooking the meal. I was actually working 8-6 (longer than usual and had to travel between different sites), I really enjoy my job but he wasn't in a mood to listen to my day.

I think that it doesn't do any harm to him to have a bit of a taste of my life and realise that a day looking after dc often means that you don't get as much done as you expect and it's not the same as when there are two of you looking after the dc. Your dh was BU to get grumpy but hopefully after a good night sleep he will be more reasonable and he will appreciate it more when you take dc away.

CrispyFern · 10/05/2015 07:51

Yabu. Sometimes I'm worn out and I just want to gaze at the TV before I go to bed, I might not have the mental capacity at that time to have a big involved chat about everyone's day.

BuriedSardine · 10/05/2015 07:56

Yabu.

He was tired and you wanted him to listen to something he wasn't really interested in when he was already doing something else.

Butterby · 10/05/2015 08:32

YABU - totally. Whether it was a rare night away or you do it every week he had been up stupidly early had your DS all day and then you come home full of it about your trip away.

We are least likely to verbalise how we are feeling when we're knackered. Do it through body language and behaviour. That's what he did!

ZombieKoala · 10/05/2015 08:33

With the info given I'm on the side of yabu but he could have handled it better, unless you missed his clues and carried on.

My teenage son often starts to chatter at me and doesnt stop, I find it hard not to snap when I'm tirrd and settled down to watch something. Its usually a topic that I have no knowledge of like a game he's playing. If I give a polite reply of interest and then say that I dont want to miss the programme it incites him to talk more.

Mrsstarlord · 10/05/2015 08:33

I'm afraid YABU

Icimoi · 10/05/2015 08:38

I think that if someone is obviously tired and is interested in what they're watching on TV you shouldn't really keep trying to talk to them. Keep it for the breaks and/or the next day.

Flywheel · 10/05/2015 08:53

Yanbu. I'd be really pissed off if I had been away for a rare night away and Dh could not even be civil on my return.
If Dh had been away, I would also muster up the energy to chat to him and not just stare at the tv. That's really rude.

AwfulBeryl · 10/05/2015 09:04

Yanbu op, I don't get the being able to have a conversation because your tired thing, all you have to do is listen. Or like you said just say "Sorry I'm tired out...."
There's no need for stroppines, it's annoying on a child, even more so on an adult.
That said , it's not the end of the world, everyone gets a bit stroppy sometimes, tiredness played a huge factor in it. Hopefully he will apologise for being grumpy and all will be forgotten about.

Goodbetterbest · 10/05/2015 09:16

OFGS. It's what we do for them all the time. They go out/have a night away we look after the kids as normal. We go away, and OH MY GOD LETS GIVE THEM A BIG BADGE AND MAKE A BANNER. It's one night. Of looking after his own child.

Book the next one. It's horrible of him to make you feel bad for it.

CaptainHolt · 10/05/2015 09:19

Well he didn't just have to listen, did he? She complained that his answers weren't full enough, she clearly expected a bit more than listening.

I would be really pissed off if I'd been up since some ridiculous hour and DP came home from a jolly (or anywhere - before I'm accused of being resentful) and expected me to stop what I was doing and focus my full attention on him while he banged on about his trip. I know TV watching has a whole lot of snobbery attached to it but seriously, if someone is tired and in the middle of watching something do they really have to stop because the other person wants them to, otherwise they will be tarred as resentful, obviously pissed off and trying to punish you.

Why would you go on and on at someone you acknowledge is 'exhausted' when they are making it blatant that they aren't up for a full on conversation?

Eigg · 10/05/2015 09:20

Hmmm.

My DH travels a lot for work. He'll get home at 11pm having had 8 hours of sleep on the plane and want (reasonably enough) to share the successes of the trip with me. Meanwhile I've worked a full day and they rush around doing all the homework/dinner/bath& bed routine and am probably packing lunch boxes and trying to get school uniform ready for the next day.

I suspect I feign enthusiasm better than your DH but I understand his pov.

I'm sure he'll want to hear all your stories today.

PunkrockerGirl · 10/05/2015 09:30

YANBU. Fair enough he was tired, aren't we all at times? Never an excuse for rudeness, imo.
He's not the first person to have to get up in the wee small hours with a small child and then have a full-on day. It's never an excuse for getting huffy and rude, especially towards loved ones.
A simple 'sorry I'm exhausted, I'm going to bed and we'll have a good chat tomorrow' would have been the adult response.

Filthyandgorgeous · 10/05/2015 09:35

However tired he was, how much energy does it take to have a short conversation about your night away?

My ex was like this. Deliberately showed no interest in me or what I was doing and wouldn't move his eyes away from the tv/computer/whatever. Downright rudeness.

Also of course the resentment that you have done something nice and he feels he hasn't.

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