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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think its not solely my responsibility?

28 replies

sherbetlemonD · 09/05/2015 21:55

I'm not going into too much detail because this will out me.

My Dad has just had surgery. Nothing life threatening or anything but he will need to take some weeks off work and a hand around the house.

I work 4 1/2 days a week at the moment and looking to get another job and increase it to 6.

I do a lot around the house already- 95% of the household chores, I cook dinner most evenings and I do the shopping. I obviously don't mind pitching in and helping out with my Dad when necessary- but my Mum thinks I should be prepared to put work on the back burner for a while and stay at home and look after my Dad. I've refused.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ShouldIworryornothelp · 09/05/2015 21:57

Get a cleaner
Get meals on wheels for your parents

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/05/2015 22:00

Who lives where?

Original poster
sherbetlemonD · 09/05/2015 22:01

Sorry- should of said. I do live with them. They are only both in their late 50s so don't think they will qualify for anything.

OP posts:
Jackieharris · 09/05/2015 22:02

How old are you?

Why are you doing so much housework when you work pretty much full time?

Sounds like your parents are taking advantage. Are they disabled? Do you pay rent/bills/board?

If he needs a carer he should get a carer. Why can't your mum do it? No siblings? Sure you should help out a bit but not by giving up work!!

ImperialBlether · 09/05/2015 22:03

Why doesn't she stay at home and take care of him?

Jackieharris · 09/05/2015 22:03

If they are under retirement age what is their income? Are they working?

IfYouWereARiverIdLearnToFloat · 09/05/2015 22:06

Is your mum fit to help your dad? How much assistance does he need?

Presumably if he's able to wash & dress himself & get himself to the toilet what do you need to stay at home for? Meals can be left for him with jugs of water, bottles of juice & flasks of tea/coffee for through the day. And if you already cook the evening meal you'll still be doing that? I don't know what else your mum expects you to do?

RandomMess · 09/05/2015 22:06

Why can't your Mum look after him?

beezlebop · 09/05/2015 22:08

Your mums job with your help if all is well with you both surely? Xx

Original poster
sherbetlemonD · 09/05/2015 22:17

This is the thing- they do take advantage. But that's a completely different story.

Mum is retired- goes out and sees friends etc and I can understand she doesn't want to sit at home all day and be at his beck and call but surely giving up a few social functions if and when necessary should come before me not working? I work for a friend so time off/flexibility with hours won't be a problem at all but I can't take the piss.

We aren't too sure how much help he will need. He is quite unfit anyway and approaching 60 which probably doesn't help but still..

OP posts:
cleanmyhouse · 09/05/2015 22:20

if your mum is fit and healthy, she shoukd be doing it.

AyeAmarok · 09/05/2015 22:20

She is being very unreasonabe. Of course it would be kind of you to help whenit fits round work, but you definitely shouldn't be taking time off look so she can go off to lunch!

SaucyJack · 09/05/2015 22:22

How old are you, and do you pay a third of costs?

Just wondering whether it's your mum's not so subtle way of saying you need to earn your keep.

WineIsMyMainVice · 09/05/2015 22:22

YANBU

Jackieharris · 09/05/2015 22:25

It sounds like it's time for you to move out and move on with your life.

woowoo22 · 09/05/2015 22:31

Are you the poster with the abusive parents?

Original poster
sherbetlemonD · 09/05/2015 22:37

Saucy- i'm genuinely not trying to cause an argument here- but do you not think me doing 95% of household chores, grocery shopping and various other things when they come up is me "not earning my keep"? Sometimes I don't get to bed until 10pm and i'm up at 6am some days to go to work. I don't have much money- and what I do have is pretty much eaten up by driving to/from work and other car costs. I know I have to pull my weight, but it sometimes leaves a bitter taste in the mouth when i'm stood there at 9 o clock at night, shattered from a busy afternoon at work and Mum is sat there on her third bottle of wine and all she's had to worry about in the day is going to lunch or getting her hair done.

Thanks everyone Flowers

OP posts:
WhitePhantom · 09/05/2015 22:42

Didn't your mum's wedding vows day "in sickness and in health"?! I think she needs to remember that she's the one who's responsible for him, not you.

Definitely time to move out and make a life of your own methinks!

NiceAcorns · 09/05/2015 22:44

Hello again, from your other recent thread it's very obvious that your family mistreat you, bully you and take advantage.

Your mother should be the one stepping up here, not you.

How are the plans to move going?

Original poster
sherbetlemonD · 09/05/2015 22:47

Trying to get another job so I can start saving to move- but it's not as easy as that Sad and keep getting knocked back. Got to keep trying and my time will come I guess.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 09/05/2015 22:49

Just move out. The situation is untenable.

SaucyJack · 09/05/2015 22:50

I'm not trying to cause an argument either, but I don't personally believe that parents owe their child a home once they're into adulthood and it may well be that you doing all the housework is what you're parents consider a fair trade-off for still having you at home IYSWIM. There does come a point when it's best all round to move out for everyone's sake, and I think you've reached it.

I did ask how old you were but you didn't reply. It is off course dependent on that.

SaucyJack · 09/05/2015 22:51

*of course

abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz1234 · 09/05/2015 23:15

Are you able to study towards a qualification instead of doing voluntary work?

Are you sure you can't earn money somehow? You say you are doing voluntary work for a friend, is that to benefit the friend or is it too benefit a charity?

You mention you have had expensive gifts (mulberry bags) - have you things you could sell? You can rent rooms on spareroom.com quite reasonably. Is that at all possible?
Why don't you just start claiming whatever you are entitled to? How can your parents stop you?
Are you sure you can't stay with a relative? Maybe your Aunt? (I understand that might not be feasible)

drudgetrudy · 09/05/2015 23:33

Unless your Mum is ill/disabled looking after your Dad isn't your responsibility. It would be nice of you to help where you can but it is unreasonable of them to expect it.
It does sound like its time for you to work towards living independently from them.
TBH it sounds as if they are making a big deal of it.

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