to be struggling to respect DP over this?

[AlmondAmy]

DP has an 8 yo son. There's a court order in place to arrange EOW and holiday contact but his mum is unsupportive of contact and happy for him to stay home. The court order has been breached 10+ times but DP hasn't been back to court - he's also allowing DSS to pick and choose when he comes.

We have three other DC who adore DSS and EOW they get their hopes up that he'll come and then are upset if he doesn't. Last time he came he asked to go home after three hours (after having hidden toys he wanted to take home in his bag) and he has missed three weekends since then because 'hes been upset that dad didn't take him swimming when he asked' (the pool was closed!)

Tomorrow is one of our DCs birthday and DSS is supposed to be here for the weekend but didn't feel like it. Funnily enough, he thinks he'll be ok to come next time though - when it's his birthday. DD has cried herself to sleep because he isn't coming.

DP has been on the phone to him taking down a list of presents he wants. He has no intention of going back to court to enforce contact. He panders to DSS when he's here and gives him no discipline whatsoever because he knows he won't come if he does. In my opinion, DSS is too young to be choosing not to come and their relationship is going to be irreparable if contact only takes place every couple of months. I think not enforcing contact will look, in the future, like DP didn't bother/care that much.

I know it must be hard living away from your child but it isn't a new situation and I don't get how such a false and conditional relationship is good for either of them. Our children see DSS not having rules, not considering them and yet getting whatever he wants and having gifts lavished upon him and it isn't fair on them.

I'm really struggling to respect DPs inaction and having to bite my tongue hard. But am I BU?

I wouldn't be biting my tongue,

I presume your DCs are younger and look up to DSS.

A bit of honesty eg DSS doesn't want to come here, might take off the shine a bit.

It's up to DP to sort it really.

He is a bad example and I'd prob be pleased he wasn't here influencing my dCs.

I'd say you need to separate your DC's wants from the relationship between your DSS and his father. Sometimes things don't happen when we want them to or even when we believe they will. Sometimes that needs to be accepted and if the reaction is tears your DC need some jolly chivvying along out of it.

Your partner knows his son. Trying to force the boy to come is unlikely to work in the long term. Perhaps it won't even work short term. Eight isn't quite so small that the boy's wishes should be ignored. In a couple of years time a court will take much notice of them.

I understand you feel aggravated by the issues your partner's parenting (or lack of it) brings but it's his relationship, he needs to get on with it. I can't see any good coming out of you voicing your opinions.

In short, you don't have to respect his decisions but they're his choices and you do need to accept them.

I would say that it's really, really important that your OH keeps a relationship with his birth children. [I loathe men who find it easy to walk away and start again as if nothing previous mattered, leaving kids betrayed and alone]. And when you're not in a relationship with the mother any more, and also have to juggle a new partner's needs and the children from that relationship, it is harder.

I can understand from your pov that this child is swanning in, getting privileges that your DC don't and swanning off again, but from that kid''s pov he probably envies the stability and love that his step bs and ss get that he doesn't.

IMO it's important for this child and his father to have a relationship, and he is prob v jealous of what your children just naturally get every day.

So I would urge you to hang on in there and be the bigger person. You've won the war, in that the dad is YOUR oh. Don't begrudge him for being a dad to his DC.

I'm not saying at all that this would happen, but if in hypothetical world your OH leaves you for a new woman and has children with her, how would you want him to deal/relate to your DC and how would you hope his new partner would relate? And how would your DC cope with being part-time and seeing him be full time to a new family?

Your DC are lucky.

Not trying to be mean, but just to give you another perspective to think about, perhaps?

I'm torn really.

I don't believe in forcing an 8yr old to spend time with an absent parent just because of a court order. Children are human beings and between the ink drying on the paper and the next visit, many things might be going on with that child.

On the other hand, I do believe that the more a child works themselves up about not visiting that parent, and the longer the gap is between visits, a possibly avoidable rift can occur (if no adults are encouraging, but not forcing contact).

I also don't believe in the absent parent spoiling the child to the extent where they're probably undoing all the work the resident parent does, to ensure the child isn't spoilt.

However, having read your OP. I'm concerned that you're making this all about your kids. Your kids are upset when he doesn't come. Your child is having a birthday etc...

There's something going on in the mind of this 8yr old child that needs looking into, and I'm sorry but I think you need to keep your kid's feelings to one side while it's looked into.

How old is your dd who "cried herself to sleep", did she really? If she did, I'm sorry but I really think you should be managing that better. How has her step brothers attendance been allowed to develop into such a massive big deal? My children's own father has been incredibly flaky in the past but so far they've never cried themselves to sleep over him because I manage the situation in such a way that they won't become distressed.

I agree with Worra that children shouldn't be forced and this needs to be handled carefully. I'm sure it must be annoying never knowing what's happening but he's only 8 and it needs to be worked through. My own dd is a highly anxious child and I would never force her to go for contact with her Dad if she didn't want to and neither would he.

Sorry I see he's their half brother not step, doesn't change my opinion though.

I think you just have to leave them to get on with it. No two people are ever going to fully agree on how to bring up a child, even one that is both of theirs. A step mother coming along later and observing how a step child is being raised is ALWAYS going to have differences of opinion with the father and mother of that child.

It isn't actually anything to do with you.

There is nothing "unfair" about the situation. Your step child is in a different situation to your children, as well as being in different relationships, and a different age.

your DC need to learn that the same rules do not apply to everybody all the time in life, and they never ever will.

yes
:-(

OP, I think you need to focus on mitigating the effects of your stepson's visits (no discipline) and lack of visits (disappointment). No-one else seems that bothered about these and the lack of discipline will wreak havoc in your family life, so it is definitely your business. As your SS grows older and becomes less child-like it has the potential to lead to resentment from you as well.

I think with younger children the lack of visits is more likely to be 'can't be bothered' rather than anything else. I know I find the thought of EOW visits quite unsettling and wonder whether my attitude to them would have been any different as a child. If he is resentful of his father for leaving him and his mother (whether that is what really happened or not it may be how he sees things) then that won't get any better with lack of contact.

But the truth is that unless you can get his mother on-side it is probably counterproductive to make him come whether he feels like it or not. With his mother on-side it becomes, 'This is just how it is, no fuss', and without her support Daddy becomes even more of a baddy.

So I would focus on how the situation affects your children, because you'll probably be told that anything else is none of your business.

Oh, I meant to say, manage your children's expectations. If they say excitedly, 'X is coming tomorrow', or 'Is X coming tomorrow?' just murmur something like, 'Maybe, let's wait and see', or 'I don't know'. He doesn't come EOW so your children need to get to the place of not expecting him every other weekend.

And when he does come, don't change routines dramatically. Some changes will obviously be required or be desirable but big drama just builds your children's expectations and leads to great disappointment if he decides not to visit.

YABU 1) it's for DH to deal with, and2) it's not all about the effect on your children

What Worra said at 00:50

"It isn't actually anything to do with you." Really? When this is happening in her home and affecting her children?

Just because she didn't give birth to him and only came into his life after that event, doesn't mean his upbringing and behaviour are nothing to do with her. It actually affects a family environment very seriously when one child struggles to bond and integrate into the family, follow the same rules Etc. so it is something the OP should be concerned about and trying to help her DP tackle.

God, the shitty attitude to step parents from some people is ridiculous.

stop telling your kids that he is due to be there as you are creating the issue over their disappointment sorry.

as for the rest well your dp obviously doesn't want the courts involved and to be honest I think he is doing the right thing in respecting his sons wishes. forcing him to come if he doesn't want to isn't going to help matters however frustrating it is for everyone else.

wheresthelight is spot on

My concern is that DP will lose contact altogether with DSS if this situation continues, which is my business because our children will then lose contact with their brother whom we love. He isn't unhappy here so I think removing the choice to come would actually provide more stability - he's too young to have the responsibility to choose and going months between contact isn't in his best interests.

To completely feel your frustration because I have three dsc and some of the emotions leaking from your post are obvious and tbh familiar. But.... You must not make this about you or your dc. The step child has lost the life of growing up with his dad, and his dad vice versa, he will feel guilty, he will make allowances, he will resent you of you interfere. Trust me, support his decision with a clear conscience that you did all you could. Your step son will grow up knowing he was welcomed, loved and wanted. It's not " fair" sometimes, but that's not the child's fault. I would encourage outings and activities to encourage your step son to visit because you are the adults. A clear guilt free conscience where you did everything you could to help the relationship is priceless and will pay in the long run. He will grow up and your dh will be a grandfather, don't alienate yourself. Lastly, I remember explaining to my dc why their half siblings needed love and kindness because they miss their daddy. Good luck. I mean half sibling, I think I gave typed step sibling. Sorry. Yabu and short sighted.

Do you always do things all together as a family when the contact happens? I think the contact may go better if it was 1-1, it sounds like the little boy is jealous of your other DC's and the unlimited time and love they get from your DP.
I also agree with another poster about not telling your children when they will see him. I do this with my daughter and my ex, who has been notoriously flakey in the past. I treat it like I was holding off telling her so it would be a surprise, and in turn, make it appear positively too. Slightly different scenario to yours, but its really about controlling expectations.
I try my best to ignore the fact my ex spoils her, and shows no discipline etc. I try and tell myself it's good 1-1 time for her, and it keeps him happy so he doesn't fuck as around again!

I'm with you OP. I think your DP could be doing a lot more to make sure he spends time with his son.

He's not acting like the adult in the relationship, rather like someone trying to ingratiate themselves as a friend.

I'd lose respect for him too.

I would only add a comment as to examining why your DP behaves in this way.

My DP's XDW has made access to his DCs very difficult in the past with significant emotional bullying. He's now at a point where he's been worn down over fighting her about it. Whilst I would love him to carry on enforcing/increasing access, I have to understand that it's not my job and he has to want to take on what is quite an upsetting and stressful task.

Maybe your DP also feels the same way?

I stopped telling DD that we were seeing DSD after far too many disappointments. Especially at Christmas or NY when things were fraught in any case.

We went through a period when DSD hardly ever came and DD stopped talking about her, except to say "I've got a half sister but she lives away"

DSD is an adult now and contact is sporadic, generally on social media alone. DD 'got over' wanting to see her, and even when we visit now she isn't fussed if DSD is there or not. I expect when the cash stops the contact will stop completely.

It's sad, but DH gave up in the end. I detached a long time ago so it doesn't really bother me, so did DD. It was hard at first, but eventually it stops being an issue.

In our case DSD hardly ever sees her mum either, so it's not just us.

almond you are making this about you and your children and I am sorry but it's not about you or them! and I day that as a stepmum and mum to dd who is the dsc's half sister.

if your dp forces this issue too hard then he will lose his son altogether and how is that in anyone's best interest? the child is 8 not 3, he has opinions that are valid.

does your dp ask why he doesn't want to come? does he do things like a football club that he enjoys at a weekend that he is having to miss when with you?

contact is for your dss to see his dad, I am afraid a relationship with your kids is not what is key here. he hasn't chosen to have siblings that is something you and his dad decided. he likely feels very pushed out and jealous that they are living with his dad and through no fault of his own he doesn't.

my dsd is the same age as your dss and so far we have been very lucky over her want to come here despite her mum making it hard. her brother is hit and miss and comes when he feels like it. he is now 11 and it's been like this since he was about your dsc's age. he is very strong willed and trying to force the issue just made him push back harder. he responds best to knowing he has a home here and an open door policy. he texts if he wants to come and then one of us picks him up from school or wherever after checking his mum knows. he appreciates it far more ethanol being forced into coming.

allowing a child to chose doesn't automatically mean severed contact. often it means the opposite as they feel like they finally have a voice.

you need to back off as you are too involved in something that really is nothing to do with you sorry

apologies for the random ethanol autocorrect clearly doesn't think it's too early for

Of course it's about the OP and her children. It's their home as well. No household should be run around the needs of one member of it and that's what is close to happening.

It's your home, OP, go wherever you like speak to whomever you wish. Do not allow your DH's weakness to run your life. Carry on as normal, DSC has to fit in with all of the family, not have the world revolve around him.

Your DH needs to make time for his son, just the two of them, but he also should not let the ex or his child dictate what happens in your home.