to be struggling to respect DP over this?

[AlmondAmy]

DP has an 8 yo son. There's a court order in place to arrange EOW and holiday contact but his mum is unsupportive of contact and happy for him to stay home. The court order has been breached 10+ times but DP hasn't been back to court - he's also allowing DSS to pick and choose when he comes.

We have three other DC who adore DSS and EOW they get their hopes up that he'll come and then are upset if he doesn't. Last time he came he asked to go home after three hours (after having hidden toys he wanted to take home in his bag) and he has missed three weekends since then because 'hes been upset that dad didn't take him swimming when he asked' (the pool was closed!)

Tomorrow is one of our DCs birthday and DSS is supposed to be here for the weekend but didn't feel like it. Funnily enough, he thinks he'll be ok to come next time though - when it's his birthday. DD has cried herself to sleep because he isn't coming.

DP has been on the phone to him taking down a list of presents he wants. He has no intention of going back to court to enforce contact. He panders to DSS when he's here and gives him no discipline whatsoever because he knows he won't come if he does. In my opinion, DSS is too young to be choosing not to come and their relationship is going to be irreparable if contact only takes place every couple of months. I think not enforcing contact will look, in the future, like DP didn't bother/care that much.

I know it must be hard living away from your child but it isn't a new situation and I don't get how such a false and conditional relationship is good for either of them. Our children see DSS not having rules, not considering them and yet getting whatever he wants and having gifts lavished upon him and it isn't fair on them.

I'm really struggling to respect DPs inaction and having to bite my tongue hard. But am I BU?

I think he needs to spend some one to one time with his father and you both need to be more thoughtful about how he may be feeling, expected to just join on the edges of this whole other family that he had no say in creating.

Must have missed the bit where the house was being run around DSS, or it was ruining anyone's life

An 8 year old boy is struggling here, an 8 year old boy who is finding it hard to understand where he fits into the family. OP is understandably struggling with his engagement because he doesn't fit into their life the way they want him to. Well sometimes that happens, we all adjust around eachother. as the adult it's our role to support all the kids to do this.
Another, 'I say that as a step mum'.

You definitely could manage your DCs expectations better e.g. If DSS comes it's a nice surprise but don't tell them he should be coming EOW.

I don't know what I think about enforcing a court order or not, but maybe DSS feels guilty about leaving his mum alone (has she got a new partner) or maybe she makes him feel guilty. Maybe his hobbies are interrupted or he finds such a big household overwhelming. Could your DP do something special every other visit, and try and gently talk to him about why he often doesn't want to visit then? Maybe once every 3 weeks is better for now. Does he live near you or is it a long journey?

I think for a period of time your DH needs to spend his day with his DS alone. If the boy is 8 how old are your kids together? 5 and younger? Presumably they can't be much older than that unless your DH and his DS's mother didn't stay together for long after DS born.

I think this kid needs time alone with his dad which it doesn't sound like he's ever had much of. I think he needs spoiling a bit in terms of time with his dad so he's looking forward to it, so days out, being picked up at 9am, spending time playing football in the park, going to funfairs, going to the beach, or whatever appeals to him, etc, then being dropped home.

Bit by bit after he's had his fun, maybe about 5pm they can come back to yours and spend a bit of family time. Bit by bit you introduce you all spending time together or having a day out together.

It just doesn't sound to me he's had much time to feel special with his dad and now he has to compete with younger kids who naturally demand more attention. Your DH needs to love bomb him and make him feel he's really special. You're expecting him to come to yours where it's noisy, other kids are spending time with his dad, he's not on his home turf so feels an outsider already. Of course he's not happy. Has it ever just been the two of them or did he lose his dad and then have to cope with other kids replacing him? You might not see it like that but he will.

Are you in an area with only one swimming pool? He's obviously asked for one on one time with his dad by expressing his wants to go swimming. What should have been said was, no, sorry DS, swimming pool shut but listen I'm planning on a trip to the arcades, football, theme park, whatever so we'll have a great time and will do swimming when pool open again, you just make sure you're ready at 9am so we don't waste any time. Make it jolly and upbeat and manage it. Don't cave in as that's so wet. The little boy is getting what he wants by not coming but guaranteed more than that he wants his dad to encourage him to come and chase him and not take no for an answer. He wants to feel special and he doesn't.

he hasn't chosen to have siblings that is something you and his dad decided

Isn't that the case in every family???

What a strange thing to say.

almond you are making this about you and your children and I am sorry but it's not about you or them!

It is though, and this attitude is the exact problem. Her stepson is flitting in and out on a whim, prompted by a mother that doesn't really want him to go and a father who won't man up and be a proper parent. IT's not the kids fault, but OP is the only one acting at all like a parent. It's not all about the stepkid, it affects her children too.

cheap - but in traditional families everyone is together and older kids don't have to watch other people usurp their position.

mad - your attitude is appalling. this kid should just be made to suck it up because the op doesn't like that he doesn't want to spend time with her. well that's exactly why some stepparents deserve such a bad reputation

wheresthelight is completely right

Thats not remotely what I said. Try reading (and understanding) before spouting.

it's fine for everyone to support the op....she's in a complex, tough position. but this is mainly about dad and son (stepson) working on their relationship. the rest of the family dynamic is important...but not AS important.

on a more contentious note, let's not fool ourselves and pretend that the op is as interested in the welfare of the stepson, as she is in her own children's welfare. that's not an insult...it's just natural human nature.
you need proof? go read any psychology book, read up on animal behaviour, find out about selfish gene theory, or just use your common sense. we ALL are generally programmed to put our children first...this has been the case since before we were primates. it's how the species survives.

the question was AIBU...the answer is yes, a little. op, you need to try to understand your husband's position (let's face it, the system is biased towards us girls when it comes to custody etc...) and, more importantly, you need to understand your stepson's position. the young man obviously isn't being encouraged by his mother (and god knows what poison she could be trickling into his head about you, your partner, and your family...that's speculation, but we've all seen it). also, he's a CHILD...and try as you may, he will naturally see his stepsiblings and you as something of a threat (again...this is some primal, hard-wired animal psychology).

It's quite a lot to ask of an 8 year old to negotiate 2 families with different rules and routines, and to take the adults' feelings into account. I may be wrong in assuming this OP, but as you have 3 kids, I'm guessing your stepson was under 5 when his dad last lived with him. That's very young for a child to understand a complex relationship. He may have all sorts of feelings about it that he is only just exploring now he is able to think about them.

It's perfectly natural that this would mean he doesn't want to visit, it may mean tackling complicated feelings. And if you were the mother of a kid who came home difficult and upset by a visit (even if they have fun this can happen because it's a confusing situation) then you might find it harder to force them. OP, you're concerned about how your children get upset about the situation, so maybe his mother feels the same about him.

Of course it's difficult for the adults involved, including the step parent, but the child will find all this a lot harder, harder even than the half siblings as they have greater stability. Just an example - have you ever felt a bit miffed about a friend who is too busy to meet up, but found time to do something with someone else? You probably haven't got properly upset about this sort of thing since you were a kid, but I bet at 8 it could have bothered you. Now imagine being 8 and visiting your dad's other family and wondering why he likes them better so chooses to live with them. This isn't what's really going on, but that doesn't mean it's not how it feels to a child.