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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To fake orgasms for 5 years and fake sadness over breakup

44 replies

ScarySpiceMum · 08/05/2015 11:24

Partner of five years split up with me two days ago. He says he loves me but still has feelings for his ex (we had a break and he got with someone else but left her and we got back together) and although he wants us to get married and build a life etc he wants to do it when he is over her completely. He says he loves me more but still has feelings for her which need to be gone 100% moving forward with us. He also says he feels he loves her more than she loves him which was shocking and awkward to hear from your partner but hey ho

More importantly...

I was relieved to be honest. The "I love her more than she loves me" comments hurt my pride, even though he claimed he loves me more overall anyway...but apart from that I went to bed smiling and hopeful for a real passionate honest relationship. I'm scared of being lonely but more so feel free. Free to find someone i really really love, who supports me and who can actually make me come is a nice guy

The thing is....I sort of pretended to be upset. I feel like as fickle as he is, he may well actually come back in a few months ready to make it work....thinking i actually give a shit. I don't. I pretended to be upset because I didnt want to hurt him. He was very affectionate and we had sex nearly everyday. At best it was good. Never amazing never mind blowing. I enjoyed the closeness but had to secretly masterbate to orgasm. I faked an orgasm nearly every time we had sex. Sometimes I didnt even realise I was doing it. I became a robot. After a while I felt like a balloon.

Anyway....

I have been feeling very guilty and shitty for the past 24 hours, I loved XDP at one point, but things just dried out and I stayed for company. Especially in the last year. I never ever cheated and we got along well. But i was empty inside. Did i take things to far by pretending to be upset...Am i just dragging things out? Have i wasted five years? Should I arrange a meeting and say there is no hope left or would that be jumping the gun since he may (I hope and pray)
go back to her.

I cant do this with him anymore but don't have the heart to tell him our 5 years together was a lie in many ways for me. From the mediocre sex which I faked everysingle time every single day for five years, to me laying next to him wishing he was someone else. Not because I'm vain or a bitch, but because I never felt supported, loved or treasured ...but I didnt want to be alone and I did love him. Still do. just not enough for stay with him in that way.

AIBU? have I been unreasonable for the past five years?

OP posts:
Dowser · 08/05/2015 11:32

I think you've answered your own question.

You can't go back.

Why would you want too.

flanjabelle · 08/05/2015 11:32

I don't think now is the time to worry about all this. what is done is done, just move forward and work out who you are and what you want. I admire your strength actually. I'm in a crap relationship, but I'm terrified of being alone.

Be happy, if he comeS back, let him know that's not what you want. Move forward and find what you want. It sounds like you weren't compatible and you deserve to be properly fulfilled and happy.

madreloco · 08/05/2015 11:34

He loves someone else and you don't love him anyway. He's dumped you and you're relieved.
What does any of the rest of it matter now?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/05/2015 11:37

He's very unreasonable if he thinks he can sideline you and then come back later. Also pretty arrogant of him to think that you should wait. Get on with your life.

Original poster
ScarySpiceMum · 08/05/2015 11:54

I just wonder if morally I atleast owe him some form of honesty. Does someone deserve to know that there partner faked orgasms for 5 years and basically didnt find them attractive?

OP posts:
swooneramamama · 08/05/2015 11:54

After a while I felt like a balloon? Not sure where your coming from there op.

Be relieved.

swooneramamama · 08/05/2015 11:54

No!!!!

flanjabelle · 08/05/2015 11:58

God no, don't tell him. Just move on.

maz210 · 08/05/2015 12:00

No, don't tell him. He's just left you for his ex, you don't owe him any honesty.

He'd probably just think it was sour grapes on your part and that you were lying to try to hurt him back. Don't give him the satisfaction.

TheJiminyConjecture · 08/05/2015 12:03

No he doesn't deserve to hear the truth. It's not the time to bring up your lack of satisfaction. The time for that was during your relationship. You'll only sound bitter and it will appear that you are only saying it because he dumped you.

CowGoesWoof · 08/05/2015 12:05

You should leave it behind you and move on. You said you feel free now, so embrace it and focus on yourself.

Charlotte3333 · 08/05/2015 12:07

I agree, the truth at this point can achieve nothing. Stay quiet and enjoy the new beginning.

As an aside, I don't truly believe you can be in love with two people at once. I'm in love with my husband. If I were to meet anyone else, it would be lust and all the shite attached to that, not love. Love builds and grows when the butterflies depart. It respects and cares for the other person. It is kind, it is doing the right thing even when you're given chance to fuck up. It's valuing what you've got. If you cheat, you don't love the other person. If you love someone else, you don't love the first person. You can't share it about in that way. You're well rid of such a bellend.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 08/05/2015 12:08

Don't tell him!! Just stay out of contact and if he thinks he can crawl back down the line saying he actually loves you best just tell him you have moved on and are no longer interested. You owe him nothing, even honesty.

ExcuseTheTypos · 08/05/2015 12:09

Oh gawd Blush I thought the thread title was a reference to Nick cleggs resignation and the proceeding 5 year coalition.

Sorry OP.

eddielizzard · 08/05/2015 12:11

he's full of bullshit isn't he?

i would keep quiet, and stop feeling guilty. but learn from that and also stop faking.

i would tell him that it's over though. that it's not a trial break, it really is over.

nottheOP · 08/05/2015 12:16

If you don't have anything nice to say...

If he comes crawling back just explain, that actually, you are happier your own.

Then go get some good sex.

ExcuseTheTypos · 08/05/2015 12:17

I wouldn't tell him the truth about the past but I would be truthful about your feelings now. It sounds as though your feelings are clear. You haven't nesseserily wasted the last five years. You say you loved him and it sounds as if you were close but life moves on. I think I would tell him it's 100% over but I would do it as nicely as possible. Then you can move on to the next stage of your life.

Good luck.

cleanmyhouse · 08/05/2015 12:17

Yeah, don't go back there, but don't tell him all that stuff either.

He's been a right arsehole to tell you all that crap about his ex and that for me would be a deal breaker, but take the moral high ground and just tell him you won't be going back.

Let him naval gaze about the second ex he's not with but still loves.

AuntyMag10 · 08/05/2015 12:18

I wouldn't say anything what would be the point in any case. All you would end up achieving is sounding like a bitter ex.

ExcuseTheTypos · 08/05/2015 12:22

I wouldn't get into any chats with him. He sounds a bit self obsessed and self indulgent. Mid can't see the point in entering in any post relationship analysis with him. It's over and that all he needs to know.

Original poster
ScarySpiceMum · 08/05/2015 12:44

Charlotte3333 Thank you so much for that. Not in a cringey way but it made me cry a bit. I've been unfulfilled for so long. But i finally feel worthy of the man i know i deserve.

OP posts:
BlinkAndMiss · 08/05/2015 12:45

You're blind sided by your own guilt about being relieved rather than upset. He's left you for his ex, your fading feelings for him are a completely separate issue. He's going to have a break to work out his feelings and then possibly come back to try again once he's over his ex? I'm sorry, but if I were you I'd be telling him to sling his hook! He can't just disappear to peruse someone else and then come running back if if doesn't work out.

I'd be thankful that it's come as a relief to you rather than a huge, life destroying blow - which is very well could have been for all he knew. You've been given a chance to move on and without being forced to. Take the opportunity with both hands, tell him you want him to leave and that you're not interested in his return. You might just be reacting to the fact that he's been disengaged from you and your relationship for the last however long, it doesn't sound like this is an overnight decision from him.

Good luck.

Original poster
ScarySpiceMum · 08/05/2015 12:47

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Really? I suppose it's just my way of hanging on. I've got no friends, no one to talk to. He gave me the ability to sit down and make fun of Boris Johnson's hair on question time, or have a cup of tea and moan about the crap talk talk broadband. It's been two days and although I'm excited to move forward, the silence, the empty bed and the loneliness is horrid.

OP posts:
Original poster
ScarySpiceMum · 08/05/2015 12:49

BlinkAndMiss I agree. I guess after 5 years it's okay to just....leave without a trace.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 08/05/2015 12:49

Of course it's horrid. Break ups are shit. But you need to hold on to your dignity.

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