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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To fake orgasms for 5 years and fake sadness over breakup

44 replies

ScarySpiceMum · 08/05/2015 11:24

Partner of five years split up with me two days ago. He says he loves me but still has feelings for his ex (we had a break and he got with someone else but left her and we got back together) and although he wants us to get married and build a life etc he wants to do it when he is over her completely. He says he loves me more but still has feelings for her which need to be gone 100% moving forward with us. He also says he feels he loves her more than she loves him which was shocking and awkward to hear from your partner but hey ho

More importantly...

I was relieved to be honest. The "I love her more than she loves me" comments hurt my pride, even though he claimed he loves me more overall anyway...but apart from that I went to bed smiling and hopeful for a real passionate honest relationship. I'm scared of being lonely but more so feel free. Free to find someone i really really love, who supports me and who can actually make me come is a nice guy

The thing is....I sort of pretended to be upset. I feel like as fickle as he is, he may well actually come back in a few months ready to make it work....thinking i actually give a shit. I don't. I pretended to be upset because I didnt want to hurt him. He was very affectionate and we had sex nearly everyday. At best it was good. Never amazing never mind blowing. I enjoyed the closeness but had to secretly masterbate to orgasm. I faked an orgasm nearly every time we had sex. Sometimes I didnt even realise I was doing it. I became a robot. After a while I felt like a balloon.

Anyway....

I have been feeling very guilty and shitty for the past 24 hours, I loved XDP at one point, but things just dried out and I stayed for company. Especially in the last year. I never ever cheated and we got along well. But i was empty inside. Did i take things to far by pretending to be upset...Am i just dragging things out? Have i wasted five years? Should I arrange a meeting and say there is no hope left or would that be jumping the gun since he may (I hope and pray)
go back to her.

I cant do this with him anymore but don't have the heart to tell him our 5 years together was a lie in many ways for me. From the mediocre sex which I faked everysingle time every single day for five years, to me laying next to him wishing he was someone else. Not because I'm vain or a bitch, but because I never felt supported, loved or treasured ...but I didnt want to be alone and I did love him. Still do. just not enough for stay with him in that way.

AIBU? have I been unreasonable for the past five years?

OP posts:

Original poster

ScarySpiceMum · 08/05/2015 14:26

I just don't like the idea of us spending five years together and after one phone call never seeing each other again and the entire relationship being a lie. Is closure a cliche?

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 08/05/2015 14:50

No it's not, but what would it achieve to tell him you never really loved him all that time? No contact for a while is the absolute most sensible advice.

Original poster

ScarySpiceMum · 08/05/2015 16:09

I did love him, I don't know if it was for the right ^reasons but I did. I did feel in a good mood the second I saw him. He did make me laugh and we did have good memories. I just found him unsupportive, at times bland and quite childish. Always playing games. Always having issues. Always petrified of commitment like he's some sex God with women banging down the door. Always creating trouble where it didnt need to be.

One time we were having sex and he said "This is yours for the rest of your life" and I remember laying there thinking "please God no"

I faked orgasms on autopilot - thats not to say he didnt turn me on, but only to a certain degree. I dunno. I just feel like because of the time spent together i owe it to him....but obviously not. It really is just a cliche i suppose.

OP posts:

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 08/05/2015 16:16

Do not tell him about faking the orgasms! Just learn from it and next time you are in a relationship don't fake it, ever.

Justusemyname · 08/05/2015 16:17

You don't have to lie but certainly don't tell him he was shit in bed. He's been allowed to think you were happy and it is your fault he thinks that. No more faking sadness but you don't need to rub his nose in it either. Make sure he knows it is over for good and you aren't thinking you will be together again. There's no point wondering if you've wasted the last five years as it doesn't help or change things.

I hope your next relationship is the one where you are happy in all areas and honest.

Bogeyface · 08/05/2015 16:26

Are you feeling that you want to say something because you have not wanted to be with him but in the end, he finished with you?

Do you effectively want to say "Look, I know you dumped me but I have wanted to dump you for ages so NER!!"

I can understand that, you want him to know that he wasnt all that so you dont get the sympathy of being dumped. But in the long run it isnt going to make a tiny bit of difference to your life and if he does come crawling back, you simply say that you have moved on.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 08/05/2015 16:39

No need to tell him about the faking it.

Soonish · 08/05/2015 16:53

and although he wants us to get married and build a life etc he wants to do it when he is over her completely. He says he loves me more but still has feelings for her which need to be gone 100% moving forward with us.

That to me sounds like one of two things.

a) he is trying to let you down gently - in which case, no, don't do anything, just move on with your life,

b) he is trying to keep you on the back burner while he decides which of you to shag on a more permanent basis.

In either scenario, do nothing. But do examine why you have spent so long in a relationship where you have to pretend how you're feeling to make it 'work'. I would be unable to sustain this. Are you very scared of being on your own?

eddielizzard · 08/05/2015 17:11

it'd actually be quite funny if it weren't so disrespectful - that he thinks he can go and fuck his ex and see if there's something there that is more than he has with you, and if it isn't, pick things up again. or persuade her that she really does love him. or convince himself that he really doesn't want her. wtf?

closure is really about acceptance. you may never know the answers to some things, although i think in retrospect you will understand. but more phone calls, angst, meetings, trying to feel like you should care? why? i think you got off lightly with that.

what i really think is at the heart here is your low self esteem. that you aren't worthy of a man who respects you and satisfies you. that you feel guilty about the crap relationship.

you ARE worth more, you don't owe him anything, you can just walk away, and now you are free to be with people who do respect you and give you what you need.

Original poster

ScarySpiceMum · 08/05/2015 17:23

Thank you guys so much, I really appreciate all your responses. Weight problems have made me a insecure WRECK over the past 5 years. The funny thing is I used to be very very confident. He has split up with me once a year minimum in five years and everytime makes such a "convincing" excuse. He makes me sick. I am relieved. Just scared of being lonely.

OP posts:

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 08/05/2015 17:39

You can do this op. You can be on your own until someone who deserves you turns up. I think you need to focus on making friends rather than finding a partner.

Original poster

ScarySpiceMum · 08/05/2015 17:56

TestingTestingWonTooFree I find it easy to be around people because thats the nature of my job but rarely come across people who want to socialize outside of work or where ever I meet them. I'm really nice and normal and don't know why I don't have any friends

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 08/05/2015 18:01

If ever there was a time when a Facebook status "Best day of my life" was needed, it's now!

Whereabouts are you, OP? Town, city, rural area? How old are you? Is there anything you'd love to do with your life that being with him was preventing?

Vycount · 08/05/2015 19:06

Don't be "honest", it would be cruel and unnecessary.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/05/2015 19:11

the thing is that he has done you a favour in ending a relationship that you were not happy with.

And (if I am being honest, IMHO) saying that you never had an orgasm with him will just seem like you are trying to hurt him for leaving you.

Allthatnonsense · 08/05/2015 20:36

What a waste of everybody's time. I don't think that there is much point in telling him about the "lie".

Meerka · 08/05/2015 20:53

eh? Ive just read your thread and he sounds like someone who's bad for you personally.

One time we were having sex and he said "This is yours for the rest of your life" and I remember laying there thinking "please God no"

He makes me sick.

He has split up with me once a year minimum in five years and everytime makes such a "convincing" excuse.

actually i think you can love two people at once. But you didnt even really love him. Be true to yourself; he wasn't right for you and there's bloody good reasons.

TowerRavenSeven · 08/05/2015 21:28

Just move on. One person can't fill your every relationship need, it isn't fair to expect any one to. If you need some friends work on that. No need to be dramatic with a meeting. If he comes back tell him you've moved on.

Gabilan · 08/05/2015 22:02

"One time we were having sex and he said "This is yours for the rest of your life" and I remember laying there thinking "please God no""

I think that tells you everything you need to know. And if you've learned one thing from the last five years, it's that it's not a good idea to put up with bad sex.

I don't think it's worth blaming him for this. You were dishonest about how you felt, and if you were faking enjoyment, how's he supposed to know you weren't having a good time? Added to which, I sometimes think people aren't so much bad in bed, as incompatible with each other.

The great thing about being happy being single, is that you know if you do get into a relationship it's because you want that relationship, not just because you're scared to be alone.

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