To ask how to professionally deal with a terribly bossy person

[Lisamuller]

I am doing some group work for college. One of the members always, always talks over me, rejects most ideas I put forward, and when she doesn't reject what I say she looks put out.

I volunteered for some parts of our group work and incidentally she wants to do the same ones. I have tried explaining why I am keen on doing one of the parts (the other part we will have to do together, god help me), had flagged my interest in this part long ago yet she will not take the flipping hint.

Anyways through incessant talking I feel sidelined, especially when we talk with our teacher about our project. He might assume I' m not contributing.

Please help, my confidence is shrinking, I feel myself getting angry (feel she is borderline bullying, or at least, massively domineering).

Please, please share some copying tactics. Thank you!

P.S. I had started another thread but with very few replies. Hoping to get more traffic here, as I need to deal with her constructively and professionally tomorrow.

My post friend always used to say "I'm going to make an executive decision." and people let her!

Consider allocating a chair for the meeting who's job it is to ensure everyone gets a chance.

Wait for her to finish talking, then make your point.

If she continues to speak over people, suggest to the group that its important that everyone gets a say, suggest only one person talking at a time, pick her up on it each time, model that behaviour yourself by listening respectfully.

If you struggle to remember what you want to say while she is speaking, write brief notes down which you can refer to when it's your turn to talk.

Get a big piece of paper and write the key points, including action points on there.

If there are jobs to be divided up, write them down - give each person a chance to express a preference, write each persons name down (including 2 people if they are both interested), then go through the list deciding on who will do what.

Use the cracked record approach:

I want to do task A. I don't think you heard me, I will be doing task A. As we discussed I am doing task A. I said earlier that I am doing task A. I am doing task A. I will do task A.

You get the jist. And the "I hadn't finished what I was saying" works quite well too.

Have the parts been allocated yet? You could write a plan / outline of what you are going to do before you meet up - this would demonstrate your commitment and effectively shut her out of the decision. I'm sure the rest of the group are as fed up as you are and will back you up.

Good luck.

Brilliant, some great tips, I am reading them again and can use them all apart from I am talking now you need to shut up, as tempting as it would be

Any more gems? I want to change my typical way of responding to this type of thing (not saying, keeping peace and getting inwardly angry) once and for all.

Any idea, why someone being bossy pushes my button so?

Just tell her....in a strong voice. "I'm doing A you can do B...that's the end of the discussion. NEXT!" and then stick your fingers in your ears and go
"Tra la la la la!"

Ha ha mrs I'd love to do that. I have sent an email to the group now saying that I am writing this particular section, stating this as a fact, I bet you she will not take it though.

I'd let her finish and say no I don't think so we will do x

And then when she starts again I'd use "the hand" gesture and say I heard you the first time, we will do x

Whatever you do do not say sorry and do not explain yourself.

Would you consider having a word with the teacher on how best to deal with this. Because the teacher will have noticed it Iwould imagine. But if you don't want to others have made some good suggestions. Say you've had your turn to give your voice can others have a turn now. Don't make it about you but make out you're thinking of the group.

You need to get assertive and put her in her place. In a group scenario you need a leader ie you who will simply keep calling her out on it - agree with pp saying you need to get into teacher mode!

How about doing the T thing with your hands at her, calling time out and asking her directly why she insists on talking over you and ignoring you. Then ask her to just grow up, act professionally and let everybody have their turn at speaking, and to listen as well, also pointing out that everybody else in the group is able to manage it apart from her so would she like to use something like a talking stick and stopwatch or some other technique to help her learn to participate in a group...

Does she do this to everyone in the group or just you? Might be worth talking to the other members of the group or even just a couple of them in advance to get their back up sorted, or even to get them to initiate the time out.

She does it to everyone but definitely steamrolls over me. I get the sense that she thinks I'm less competent, maybe.

I will say tomorrow that I find it very difficult and exhausting to talk when interrupted all the time and that we should give space to all members to talk and listen. She has a bit of a temper to, as she got visibly annoyed when I contradicted her on one single issue last week. her face and neck turned red and she was pretty short with me after.

I've recently had training on assertiveness at work and they said to use the cracked record as muminhants said. Then you don't have to be confrontational but you won't be hushed up either.
Also it helped me to see that behaviour from someone which I thought was assertive, was actually aggressive. If you're assertive in response rather than aggressive back, you should have the upper hand.

Just seen your last post - she is aggressive then. I think what you're suggesting to say is perfectly reasonable, she'll probably get angry, stay cool, calm and collected and she'll probably self-implode.
Good luck!

Thank you biscuits, I just find it hard when people get angry and get all flustered and anxious.

Just to clarify I become anxious if someone acts in a aggressive or overly tense way in reaction to my asserting myself for some reason....

Don't worry about saying something that will hurt this person's feelings as she is obviously not caring how she is upsetting you

Gosh. Can you enter her for the Apprentice.

Alternatively, that's quite a marvellous put down. Gosh - you sound like you're auditioning for the Apprentice.

If you feel more comfortable standing up for the underdog, how about - every time she interrupts someone else, you say 'excuse me, I think x hd a valid point, let's let her finish'. When she interrupts you when you're speaking, look at her, v briefly pause & breathe, then keep talking but turn your head to the person you are both trying to speak to (I've found this usually shuts up interrupters!). Be the calm, sane one and leave her to whip herself into a crazy. Good luck!

So now I feel anxious about tomorrow (despite all the good advice)

Yes, that could work, supporting the underdog. I absolutely do not want to let bossy people get to me but what's hard with them is that one has to be blunt to get the point across. I guess that doesn't sit well with me gora some reason.

If it was your best friend or sister or daughter, what would you be telling her? You just need to take your own (surely?) great advice. Sometimes when she says something truly obnoxious try 'pardon, what did you just say?' Lots of times people are too embarrassed to repeat their obnoxious statements. And if she's embarrassed, she should be! You should certainly not feel uncomfortable about it.

You could also stop speaking every time she interrupts. Stop mid sentence and as soon as she shuts up start the sentence again. After a few times of hearing the same thing she (or others) should start to listen.
You can then get your point across, when you have finished speaking look her in the eye and thank her for listening.
It works for me!

That sounds like a good method too toast.

Dc2 has woken for the third time tonight and now I can't go back to sleep as I feel horribly anxious at dealing with this person and doing all the workload for the group work. Espsicllay as most of my work is done with her as my 'buddy'. [worried] [tired]