Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Aibu to be considering ending this friendship?

40 replies

Wept4Dobby · 07/05/2015 16:14

So, I'm a religious lurker on MN but never actually posted so bare with me!
Long story short: I've become great friends with someone, who I've known for quite a while but never really got involved with because of a number of factors, including other peoples opinion on them. She has 2 kids, and is a single parent ( her kids are relatively well cared for and I totally understand it must be incredibly hard for her) Her oldest son is the same age as mine give or take a few months and I am desperate for my DD to have friendships with others her own age. My DD was born via emergency section after over a week of labour which led to the me being diagnosed with an incompetent cervix, meaning I have no chance of ever giving birth vaginally.
My issue with this friend is that, I'm heavily pregnant with Ds1 after a long few years of putting it off due to my last traumatic birth experience which I've now had counselling for. And a lot of the tine in conversation she says things like " Its weird how you breastfed Dd but didn't give birth to her the proper, natural way. I always thought only natural-hippy type mums breastfed" and " it's a shame your pussying out of a proper birth again, I bet you'd of felt more like a proper mummy if you just tried it" (She knows my previous experience, I did 8 days of hard labour, on the delivery ward with no pain relief sp hardly pusseyed out! But somehow she forgets that) Its starting to really bring me down, I'm feeling crappy enough about having another C-section, dreading leaving DD, Dreading the pain after and the total reliance on others to help me 'get cleaned up' after to name a few things. But in other ways she can be a great friend and can be a good laugh and ear piece etc. I'm just not sure if mentally id be better off either distancing myself of going NC or something atm. DH is not her biggest fan, neither is anyone we mutually know but for other reasons.

OP posts:

flanjabelle · 07/05/2015 16:19

Have you thought of having a conversation with her to tell her how her comments make you feel? If she is a good friend in other respects, I would lay it all out. Explain again that you are unable to give birth vaginally, repeat what happened last time, and explain how these comments actually upset you. If that doesn't work, or she mocks you for feeling that way then she is not your friend.

At the moment she sounds completely tactless, but I wouldn't ditch a good friendship before trying to sort it first.

Pepperpot99 · 07/05/2015 16:19

Anyone who makes comments like that is a) a dimwit and b) a complete cow. Bin her off now is my advice.

Congrats on the pregnancy btw - you don't need to be stressing about someone like that. Ditch.

KingJoffreyFanciesDarylDixon · 07/05/2015 16:20

She's a cunt and a bully.

Ditch her.

AuntyMag10 · 07/05/2015 16:22

Yanbu, I wouldn't even bother having a conversation explaining your feelings to her. Someone has to be either pretty thick or intentionally hurtful to say all that to you. She doesn't even deserve the benefit of the doubt.

loveandsmiles · 07/05/2015 16:24

A true friend wouldn't speak to you like that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - concentrate on that and not nasty comments.

Fwiw I've had 2 vb, 1 emcs and 2 elcs (bit of everything!) - and I would choose an elcs over a vb any day. At the end of the day a healthy baby is all that matters.....

TRexingInAsda · 07/05/2015 16:24

Yanbu, she is ignorant, rude and mean to say those things, I wouldn't be her friend either.

AlpacaLypse · 07/05/2015 16:25

I'm sorry, but if you've explained to her already that you are UNABLE to give birth vaginally on strict medical advice, and she's still wittering on like this, then she's not a good friend, and some of her other remarks show a breathtaking level of ignorance too. Wanting your dd to have friends doesn't mean you have to put up with insensitive remarks from their parents. I'm sure you and DD can find nicer, more empathetic people to be friends with.

WhoNickedMyName · 07/05/2015 16:25

is she thick as pig shit or generally vile?

because she's one or the other and I would not choose to be friends with either.

Lipsync · 07/05/2015 16:26

Ditch her, Wept. She's either too stupid to notice how hurtful she's being or too cruel to care. Why would you want to share a lift with her, far less a friendship? Presumably this kind of 'charm' is why other people have no time for her?

And you don't need to justify your CSS, past or future, to anyone!

And try not to worry about your ELCS - I've never had a crash section, but I gather they are completely different experiences. I had an ELCS and it was lovely - pain free, calm, fast, nice atmosphere, DScwith perfect APGARs, uncomplicated recovery. It won't be a rerun of your horrible past experience.

wheresthelight · 07/05/2015 16:26

Not a proper mummy because you had a c section? is there even a decision to be made? ditch the bitch!!

NynaevesSister · 07/05/2015 16:26

Tell her that comments like that are hurtful, that of course you are a proper mummy and that she should keep her opinions about having a c section to herself.

Although she might be great in other ways I agree with everyone else. That's a rotten thing to say to any parent.

expatinscotland · 07/05/2015 16:28

Ditch.

Original poster

Wept4Dobby · 07/05/2015 16:29

I've tried to explain to her that I've not pussyed out, its not through choice and I breast fed DD and will hopefully do the sane for DS because A) I enjoyed bf and B) that's the way I've chosen to feed, nothing against bottles, I just got on really well with bf . she had an epidural AND gas and air with both babies, but not once have I said she pussyed out, imo however you give birth, its hard but so long as baby comes out, its all good. I've tried to tell her how horrendous of an experience I had and she just sort of brushes it off with " Yeah but you've never done it the proper way so you wouldn't understand how hard THAT is"

OP posts:

beatofthedrum · 07/05/2015 16:30

I couldn't forgive that. Both because she's belittling your experiences and also because it is such a stupid snd poisonous opinion. How can she think she has the right to say that to you? Stand up to her. 'If you belittle me like that and make me feel even worse about a forthcoming traumatic event I don't want to continue our friendship'. I am not at all confrontational in general but I would stand up to comments like that.

CatOfTheWoods · 07/05/2015 16:34

You need to either end it or stand up to her and explain exactly why you are no less of a mum. You could tell her she's upsetting you/you need a break, or just gradually distance yourself, there's no shame in that.

Please, please don't think a C-section is any kind of failure or something you should feel bad about. There are plenty of us who wouldn't be any kind of mummy at all if it weren't for C-sections, because we wouldn't be here. I have had two and breastfed both times. It's your choice and absolutely every bit as good as any other kind of birth.

Giantbabymama · 07/05/2015 16:38

I had an emergency c section and I would punch anyone who said it was pussying out. The recovery was brutal and fair play to you for deciding to have another baby after a traumatic experience.

flanjabelle · 07/05/2015 16:39

Nope get rid then. You deserve better friends.

ThursdayLast · 07/05/2015 16:39

Anyone who leaves you feeling shitty about yourself isn't a friend.

In your shoes I would limit contact and see if she noticed and/or wondered why. If she's concerned, then there's your opportunity to really explain just how much her comments hurt you.

Quitelikely · 07/05/2015 16:40

I just think she doesn't understand that you physically can't give birth.

Either way, you need to weigh up the positives vs negatives and decide. Alternatively you could be more assertive with her

The80sweregreat · 07/05/2015 16:41

Just let her go, she isn't a friend or even a decent human being saying those things to you. you do not need her in your life. end of.

Original poster

Wept4Dobby · 07/05/2015 16:41

Thanks for the support! Good to know I'm not being over sensitive. DH is very anti-her, she has two kids, neither sees their dad,( she's very open about the fact that's her choice) one of which is his friends. I.e why all mutual people already judge her badly. I just really struggle socially since having DD, all of my friends tend to leave me out because I have her so cant just nip out for a drink etc. So was trying to make friendships with other mums and she pretty much all I know. I go to toddler groups but not got very far myself making friends.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 07/05/2015 16:42

Wow doesen't she sound wonderful. Even if you had a talk to her, I don't think she would change her stance or understand how hurtful and nasty her comments are. No wonder your dh and other friends are not keen on her. I would tell her how you feel, tell her that her comments were unacceptable, then I would definitely distance myself.

I bet you are a wonderful mum, how your baby comes out bares no relation to that, I would rather have an alive baby in my arms due to a c section.

lemonyone · 07/05/2015 16:42

What Thursdaylast says.

BullshitS70 · 07/05/2015 16:52

Explain one more time and if she still doesn't get it, then ditch her. You don't need someone so negative in your life.

FWIW, I had 3 planned C/sections, and it bothered me a bit at 1st that I hadn't given birth through my vag, but not that much as in the grand scheme of things, who cares, babies are healthy and happy, and it was medical reasons too, so was better for me

Narnia72 · 07/05/2015 16:54

"Saying I'd feel more of a proper mummy if I gave birth vaginally is as hurtful to me as if I said to you you'd feel more of a proper mummy if you lived with your children's father. Can't believe how offensive I've just been? That's how I feel everytime you come out with this shit. Can you stop it please, otherwise we can't be friends anymore. Thank you"

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread