To wonder why so many use PFB to diminish someone's feelings/experience?

[WaddaLegend]

I just don't get it! I understand if it's your first child you are less experienced than those who've been there done that but just because a parent is sensitive about their child's feelings etc doesn't necessarily mean it's because it's their PFB iyswim? Can't the parent of an only child have valid concerns about their child just because they only have one child? Or do people think you'll care less when you have more than one child? I don't mean to be intentionally thick but it just seems unkind and dismissive, aibu?

I dislike the implication that I'm not as much of a parent as those people who have been lucky enough to have subsequent children.

I have never seen that implied by the use of PFB.

Remember the woman who put baby shampoo in her eye?

that's a brilliant example of an affectionate, you are being Pfb

I don't think anyone assumes you are pfb all the time if you only have one child?

PFB refers to parenting that lacks perspective. Some parents have PFB tendencies throughout their child's life - some never do. there is no assumption that all first borns are subject to PFB parenting.

I was able to look back at some of the things I did with DS1 and realise they were PFB even before I had DS2.

I am currently being PFB about his GCSEs.

Some parents believe that having more than one child makes them absolutely, unequivocally a better parent than a hopelessly naive first timer.

It could just mean they made the same crap mistakes multiple times.

I've been sorting out some stuff around the house and found all the instructions I'd kept for things like the jumperoo. I kept the instructions for the Milton steriliser. It's basically a bucket, why would I need the instructions? That's a pfb moment. I realise that now and I haven't had any more children.

I use it about myself about some of the things I did when DS was a baby. Some of the things I did were utterly cringeworthy. I'm sure I'll look back on this period too and think the same thing.

He's an only child and I've never once seen it as something unkind that people with more than one child say to parents of only children

Eg I gave my mother ( mother to 3 kids and a reception teacher) 3 pages of instructions when she looked after DS for the first time. Now that's pfb

My parenting epiphany was when I realised how much PFBing I'd done!!!!! And I considered myself to be a fairly relaxed easy going first time parent.

• like leaving my mother in law (who raised 3 babies of her own!) A list detailed all my PFBs routines/anythingelseicouldthinkof

-constant ongoing earnest conversations on such thrilling conversations as what was a perfect first food - ad nauseoum

-same about clothes/slings/buggies/best type of tissue to wipe delicate noses

-hugely intense focus every bloody developmental milestone and an internal smug satisfaction when she hit them (despite the fact that most children do and eventually become adults - thats life!)

So I think it's often used in a slightly self-depreciating way as you develop as a parent and have a chance to reflect on your actions!

My worst PFB-ness came with my last child. My first two came when I was young, and I belonged to a large family. So I had been caring for younger siblings and cousins all along, and was merely upgraded into the actual mum-Level with my younger aunts and older cousins. No time for PFB, not of a culture that read baby and child rearing books, no internet yet. i pretty much used what was given to me and carried on in the way I was used to seeing babies cared for. i might have longed for something (slings were an exotic thing I heard of) but basically I just joined in with the getting on with it.

My youngest came decades later, after the others were raised. A lot had changed equipment and expectations wise. I was living in a different culture, without the loving support network, or any really. Extremely improved finances meant I could afford to agonise over a lot more choices. Even having a dh who cared and had opinions (vs my old fashioned X back in the day). Knowing our ds would be an only probably did add a layer of stress over screwing up our one chance. If ds had been my actual first at my age, and I had been decades from immersion in a large family (or never had that like dh), I would have been the very definition of a PFB mummy who read too much and over thought every thing and hovered and stressed.

I understand that the baby will be used to less noise olgaga I think DH and I whispered and tiptoed for the first day we brought DD home, but then we realised we were being ridiculous and put the TV, washing machine etc on and talked in our usual voices. I guess some people don't get the realisation.

In the same vein but worse IMO is "just wait; it only gets harder" in response to someone's baby or toddler worries.

Although there are hard phases after baby and toddler dom it is an out and out lie to say it "only" an inevitably gets unremittingly harder, and is the epitome of unhelpful eye roll one upmanship - if somebody is struggling with sleep deprivation or achild who will only eat bread, oor generally with the grind of several small children, I sometimes think it could tip them over the edge to be told it will continue to get harder, at least not for the next 18-20 years!

PFB refers to parenting that lacks perspective

It's this.

It stuff like hopefully secretly hating the toddler's at stay and plays and they are so big and noisy when your there with first little baby - till you have the toddler and realise it's normal. Some parents who've maybe been round young DC wouldn't have that, others have it still with second or later DC.

It's sort of tunnel vision around the DC - that they are most important thing - ignoring all the other children or people out there and focusing on that one DC apparent wants/needs. A little bit good too much bad.

It's often also combine with slight anxiety - about a stage in that DC life.

It's more a state of mind that anything to do with number of DC.

a little help over so i can understand this please.. what's PFB? not come across that one yet. TIA

Sorry, multiple wierd phone typos

Scorpio Precious First Baby

Yes to the instruction thing - having to do everything just right or else I've failed somehow as a parent.

I had two close together and was still very much in that mindset - for first year of second DC life - when balancing demands and realising that the DC were fairly resilient finally kick in.

I didn't find PFB that positive a phrase, it has seemed to be used dismissively reasonably frequently. I think that's because I was worried about DS, but the PFB thing made me doubt myself. Turns out he was diagnosed with ASD at 5.6yo, so I was possibly being totally reasonable for almost everything I was worried about.

We were terribly worried about noise while DS was asleep - because he hardly slept as a baby, and didn't reliably sleep through until he was gone three. We were desperate! And yes, DS did reliably wake up every time there was any unusual noise (e.g. banging as DMIL and DSIL were leaving the house and DSIL fell).

On instructions - I would always expect to need instructions with looking after somebody else's child as DS can only cope if things are done in specific ways, and I assume(d) that was how children are.

Thank you MrTumbles

I think it's rude to use it and it's condescending.

I would inspect to have instructions if a child has specific needs too IsItMeOr I always leave instructions about DS2's inhalers and allergy medicine.
It's when the instructions are for mundane everyday sort of things that virtually every child does and read like those school assignments where you have to describe emptying a bin to an alien who doesn't know what a bin is. For example SIL (a different one) left PIL who have had 4 children and 7 grandchildren who they have looked after regularly detailed instructions on giving DN a dose of calpol.

I would always expect to need instructions with looking after somebody else's child as DS can only cope if things are done in specific ways, and I assume(d) that was how children are.

No - most DC aren't like that they cope well with changes - though I think it's a common fear for parents that they will be.

I do get the dismissive thing though - I know my DC GP were very sneering when we didn't want changes in routine - not missing snacks out or naps or latter bedtimes - but then they were never the ones at risk of dealing with the fall out of DC going back to not sleeping or having to cope with the hunger tantrums.

I would inspect to have instructions if a child has specific needs too IsItMeOr I always leave instructions about DS2's inhalers and allergy medicine.

Well this too - and I will still go ape shit if they are ignored for no good reason and any of my DC suffer because of that.

That's different to being very prescriptive about everything - but then I'd admit there are going to be DC out there who do need everything very constant - and it must be annoying when you know that really is necessary - rather than fear it - and it gets dismissed.

Lists! Ah yes - DM had DS overnight when he was 6 weeks old (as he was not invited to the wedding - a whole different thread!) and my instructions ran to a small book.

Now I look back, I see that DM was v capable of doing everything with really no input from me...

I'm really sorry if people feel the tag is demeaning. or those who do, are you able to look back to baby/toddler days and see some PFB traits in yourself or do you just not accept the term, end of?