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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be peed off at 'friend' (sorry another friend thread)

45 replies

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 06/05/2015 10:18

Its been playing on my mind and I'm feeling quite wounded and upset about what she said (upset probably a bit full on tbh)

Met a friend for drinks the other night, we have known each other since primary school. She's always been petite and I've always been the bi one, in hat I'm 5'9 compared to her 5'2 ish and younger was a size 10/12 to her 8. Now we are older I'm a 12/14 to her 8/10.

Anyway we were discussing buying new clothing for summer and I was talking about dresses that I had seen that I liked. I have never worn trouser, other than the odd pair of shorts on holiday. I have also always been the type that blow dries my hair, make up on, nails filed, shoes and a good handbag. No matter what size I have been. I was a lot heavier a couple of years back, but still wore nice clothes etc.

I'm usually what lots would say as overdressed, e.g. the rugby mums wearing jeans a top and I'm in dress tights and boots. I would love to throw a t-shirt and jeans on but its just not me.

she said she was talking to a friend of hers and had said about me, always looking nice and wearing lovely clothes etc., but then I had to, as I was 'big' I needed to make an effort to look nice!!!!!

AIBU to feel a bit hurt at this and think that she's not as nice as I thought she was?

OP posts:

fiveacres · 06/05/2015 10:23

That's very rude of her.

YANBU.

DoADittyBingBangBell · 06/05/2015 10:23

Wow she's a bitch! Yanu to feel hurt at all, with friends like that who needs enemies?

Original poster

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 06/05/2015 10:26

that's what h said DoADitty

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 06/05/2015 10:27

and oops at my spelling mistake big one not bi

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 06/05/2015 10:28

oh an to be totally fair, its not like shes a scruff or anything. yes she wears jeans and a top, but always nice ones, good shoes, good hair etc.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 06/05/2015 10:31

I would assume she meant big as in tall.

neolara · 06/05/2015 10:32

Well, that was pretty rude of her

AuntyMag10 · 06/05/2015 10:34

Yanbu, very rude of her. She's clearly referring to your size not height. If she meant taller she would have said taller. Hope you call her up on it as she seems to be talking about you in this way to others.

DancingDays · 06/05/2015 10:34

She is not a friend. A friend does not see size.

I'm normally a 10 at the moment I'm a 14 (dramatic weight gain. Due to overeating) None of my friends have commented or notice that I'm aware of.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 06/05/2015 10:34

That's nasty....

susiedaisy · 06/05/2015 10:35

Yanbu to be hurt by that. I am big and people make all sorts of comments thinking they are being nice but actually they're not. A common one I get is "your a pretty girl it's a shame you can't loose a bit of weight you'd look lovely "

But sadly I think the comment your friends made is a common trait of thought amongst people. Not condoning it but in my experience people do think that if someone is big or tall or has a prominent feature they dress to deflect from that thing.

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2015 10:37

How bloody rude of her!

I have to say, this line did make me laugh though OP...

"She's always been petite and I've always been the bi one, in hat"

I thought it was a weird way to describe yourselves. A bisexual woman in a hat, with a small friend!

SuperFlyHigh · 06/05/2015 10:37

Did she have to use that word about you?! smacks a bit of jealousy...

I recall a few years back on FB I got free tickets to La Cage Aux Folles and invited a French ex colleague of mine along (just offered them up on my wall) - she replied saying something in French which I couldn't translate or didn't understand and she said oh it means "she's a big one" but it means "she likes to have a good time/party hard" - and when I looked into it further that was what it meant... an expression but for a short 5 seconds I was wondering if she was calling me who's a 12 big! I now know her very well and she can tell me or suggest to me that maybe I should tone up but I don't need to lose weight and I know she's being honest.

and Big to me does not mean tall in this context it means big eg overweight and rude and yes unreasonable of her.

AnnaBee36 · 06/05/2015 10:42

Firstly you are not big. You are a perfectly normal size. Secondly being smaller doesn't mean you are prettier. Thirdly she sounds a bit jealous as it sounds like you look pretty fab. Lastly, she is a stone cold bitch and not fit to lick your boots :) Don't take any passive-aggressive crap from these halfwits who think body shape matters.

shewept · 06/05/2015 10:43

I thought it was a weird way to describe yourselves. A bisexual woman in a hat, with a small friend!

I thought the same. Was so confused.

YANBU OP.

LurkingHusband · 06/05/2015 10:45

we have known each other since primary school

How well ?

OnlyLovers · 06/05/2015 10:48

That's a twattish thing to say and no, she doesn't sound nice.

You're not 'big' either. At 5' 9" and your weight you're an unremarkable size.

HumourlessHarpy · 06/05/2015 10:52

Yes, very rude. You were clearly supposed to bid sagely and say that if you were a petite, pixie-like creature like your friend, your natural beauty would mean you skipped around the place in dirty jeans and a head full of tangles.

AlpacaMyBag · 06/05/2015 10:52

What an odd thing to say anyway. You are the same size as I am and I've always had lots of comments about being tall and slim etc etc.

She sounds a bit jealous. And rude, and mean and hurtful.

Original poster

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 06/05/2015 10:55

Worra

Thank you for agreeing with me I have known her since primary school and we were quite close, I then moved away, but have since come back to our home town. My dc are all older and have been with my H for 20+ years now. She only recently 5-6 years ago got married and has 2 very young dc. We are at very different places in our lives, so I think on my part we have stayed in touch due to me feeling that it would be sad to let go of a friend of so many years.

H was reminding me of several other things that she has said over the years and maybe she's not the friend I thought and time to distance myself again.

If she thinks I'm 'big' now I dread to think what she would have thought of me in the years we didn't see each other and I was a 22/24.

As a pp said, friends don't/shouldn't see size, just a friend. I have friends of all shapes and sizes and I don't think oh off out with fat jenny or tall Samantha, I've just obviously been naïve in thinking that other people think of friends in the same way as me.

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpMeGetOutOfHere · 06/05/2015 10:56

Alpaca I've always been conscious of my height until recently. Spent most of my teenage years stooping so as not to stand out over my smaller friends. Not anymore, I even wear heels these days.

OP posts:

helenahandbag · 06/05/2015 10:59

Your "friend" was unforgivably rude. There is no way to take what she said in any way other than it was intended, and there was no way that she didn't intend it how it sounded. It sounds like the sort of comment that someone would make out of spite or jealousy.

I'm not sure I could continue a friendship with someone knowing that this is how they viewed me.

Joolsy · 06/05/2015 11:05

I had a friend like this and she would ALWAYS say "oh you're looking skinny" (I'm a size 10) or "every time I see you you're skinnier!" (If that was the case I'd have disappeared!) She probably thought it was a compliment but it simply wasn't true and smacked of jealousy. Maybe your friend meant you were bigger than her but that doesn't mean you always have to look nice! Was it your friend or your friend's friend that said it?

Whatisaweekend · 06/05/2015 11:07

She sounds horridly jealous of you OP. I am jealous too - I would love to be your height!! I am the same dress size as you and am 4 inches shorter!! Also, seriously dont have the legs for shorts either!! Lucky you and well done - did I get that right - you used to be a 22/24 and are now 12/14? That is amazing!!

I think it sounds like someone else was perhaps complimenting you on your style to her and she had to stick the knife in. Time to re-evaluate the friendship I think!

VelvetRose · 06/05/2015 11:10

Bloody cheek!! Unsure of what else to say! I'm 12/14 and don't feel "big" at all! I feel nice and curvy at this size. I always felt hungry and insignificant when I was smaller!!

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