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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that people who are all 'Me Me Me' get more respect from others?

48 replies

Mickeymoodles · 05/05/2015 22:48

Whilst people that are considerate towards others, and who treat others decently just get shat upon? Well I certainly feel like I get shat upon, anyway.

Meanwhile people that I know that do nothing but talk about themselves and never give anyone else a second thought get people falling over themselves to remember every detail of their lives and basically kiss their arses.

I consider that I'm a decent person; I ask how people are, I listen to what others have to say, I offer support and help to friends, I remember friends' birthdays. It just doesn't get appreciated and I feel as though I may as well be invisible.

By contrast, I am currently on a Facebook support group for people with children with a certain condition. One woman, whose child has exactly the same issue as everyone else's on the group, never replies to anyone else and just posts constant posts about her child, and her life, with photos and videos, and everyone is all over her! She never acknowledges anyone else or anyone else's replies to her yet she is treated as the group hero!

I also work with a woman who talks non stop about herself. If anyone else talks to her about anything that isn't about her you can see her visibly glaze over. She is selfish, and refuses to do things such as give to office collections or sign cards to others, or do anything to help anyone else out. And yet she is treated like a goddess, with people virtually wetting their pants with excitement when she walks into the office each morning.

AIBU to think that the more selfish someone is, the more everyone adores them??

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 05/05/2015 22:51

This appears to be a common phenomenon from what others report.

I don't have the answer, other than to set boundaries and refuse to be treated badly by anyone. Ignore what the queen bee is up to, she will have smelly panties just like everyone else Grin

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2015 22:56

Some people just have something about their personality, that attracts other people and makes them sit up and take note more.

So I wouldn't say it's about being selfish per se, because a boring selfish person wouldn't attract the same attention.

ShouldIworryornothelp · 05/05/2015 22:56

Yup I've noticed this.

I have an ex friend who I'm glad to be shot of who was all about her and screw the rest of the world - everyone went out of their way to make sure she was happy.

I'm also on Facebook support groups and yes it's very odd the ones who contribute the least seem to take the most.

Original poster
Mickeymoodles · 05/05/2015 23:00

It's weird how on the Facebook support groups that one person will make out that their situations is worse/harder when everyone else is in the same boat, and what's more everyone else goes along with it and fawns over them.

I was on a PND support group shortly after having DC3, and one woman on there posted lengthy posts about herself/her PND/her life and got hundreds of replies every time yet others from the people who offered her support would get none!

I think the people in my life take it for granted that I will be nice, and will listen and be supportive. They just expect it from those that are nice.

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 05/05/2015 23:02

"The creaky gate gets the oil" - it's not fair, but true.

Of course there are advantages of being v verbal about ones needs - they are more likely to be met.
Often life's 'copers' are left to cope, even when they are struggling.

It pays to learn how to be assertive and speak up for oneself, without coming across as aggressive.

FB, otoh, is of the devil's WinkGrin

PacificDogwood · 05/05/2015 23:04

I also think that 'niceness' is awfully overrated as an attribute in women.
There is absolutely no need to always be 'nice' - be polite, be civil, but articulate your own needs.
That is not selfish, it's self-preservation in many circumstances.
People will stop taking your for granted when you are not always available to them.

Pensionerpeep · 05/05/2015 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdeleDazeem · 05/05/2015 23:10

Yes, this is a real thing. It's one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. If you act like you are better than everyone else then a surprisingly high number of people will take note of this. Believe in it. Whether subconsiously or consiously they will think "Hmm, this person acts like they are above me. They must know something that I don't, after all, they do seem pretty damn sure that their shit doesn't stink. I should be friends with this person. They obviously are better than everyone else. I want them to like me and accept me and deem me good enough to lick their boots."

Similiarly, if you are quiet and/or shy and don't want all the attention on yourself a lot of people will think either that you are not worth bothering with, that you have nothing of note to say (because if you did you'd push yourself forward more, you see) or, worse, that you are not shy but sly, you are refusing to engage with them because you are inherently different and you are taking notes on them and perhaps even judging them. Or maybe you even think you are better than them and can't lower yourself to talk to them.

This is, of course, nonsense. Some horrible people are loud, empty vessels, some horrible people are quiet and vice versa. It's completely mutally exclusive. Unfortunately squeaky wheels tend to get greased first (and/or most) and people with slighter personalities will willfully flock to a more brash, dominant personality. Whether that person is a 'good person' or not. And, let's face it, if you're the type of person that people willingly flock to then you're more likely to be a person who takes advantage of others. They are almost asking for it.

Original poster
Mickeymoodles · 05/05/2015 23:11

Pacific, I think I am seen as one of life's coper's.

As a child I was always told not to talk about myself, not to boast, not to ask for help, etc.

OP posts:
Mrsbobdylan · 05/05/2015 23:13

Yanbu-but the people you describe can also be intimidating which induces that fawning so often seen around someone who is basically a moany git.

I'm not convinced that, despite all the attention they get, that they are actually liked by anyone.

I know this sounds cynical but try to make sure you don't give too much to those who won't reciprocate. Some people will just drain you of all you have.

Original poster
Mickeymoodles · 05/05/2015 23:14

The colleague of mine that talks about herself and is selfish will choose herself a new minion every now and again. Said minion will be delighted that she has chosen them to be her current bestie and will do nothing but talk about her and suck up to her, whilst doing things for her all the time such as going to the shop to buy lunch for her, or folding a load of letters that she cannot be bothered to fold. People actually seem grateful that she's letting them do these tasks!

OP posts:
theRageARGGGGH · 05/05/2015 23:28

Seen from the other side my mother

She gets a lot of attention from the people who are completely enmeshed with her. However, many of the people she's mixed with in her life, including me, would rather spend our lives as far from her as possible, and being as unlike her as possible. I don't want to dwell on what other people think/do about me, because I want to be as un-narc like as I can be.

Original poster
Mickeymoodles · 05/05/2015 23:29

Another Me-me from another Facebook group actually started a FB page about herself and her daughter, and everyone was clamouring to join it.

OP posts:
drudgetrudy · 05/05/2015 23:31

They tend to get a lot of their own way but not real respect.

Original poster
Mickeymoodles · 05/05/2015 23:33

They get their own way but I think they get respect in terms of everyone queuing up to be their friend, and fawning over them.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 05/05/2015 23:34

Whilst I can understand your irritation Mickey, do you want to change something about yourself and the way you come across to others?

If you do, then only you can make that change. You can't expect people to give you the same/similar level of attention for no other reason than because you want it.

Or are you just blowing off steam?

If it's the latter then I totally understand!

Original poster
Mickeymoodles · 05/05/2015 23:36

Just blowing off steam....I think!

I'm probably cross with myself more than anything for being 'nice' and considerate when really I should just be the opposite.

OP posts:
LittleMissIntrovert · 05/05/2015 23:41

I completely agree, I like to think of myself as a nice kind caring person, but people think oh LittleMiss won't say no, let's put upon her again :(

Whereas my other half, who is outspoken, rude most of the time, and very stubborn, has a lot of people who worship the ground he walks on Hmm

Though I would rather be nice than be a gobshite, it still seems to get you nowhere!

cakedup · 05/05/2015 23:42

I can't say I've noticed this. I'm in my 40s and worked in various job settings, have a large family and have been in full time education for the last few years.

From what I've always experienced, you are treated how you treat others.

I don't have the time for Narcs and people generally bitch about them.

Then you get the lovely people who are popular and well liked.

That makes more sense to me!

Gralick · 05/05/2015 23:43

Like you, Mickey, I was taught to be unobtrusive. About halfway through my career I realised it was stalling because of this ... In fact, it was worse. I turned down the opportunity of a lifetime - offered on a plate - because I thought they could do better!!!

So I started bragging more at work. I wasn't bragging really, it just felt like it because of my shitty childhood training. I learned to begin more sentences with "I" instead of bloody open questions, took an assertiveness course, and started writing a list each day of what I had done well so I was always armed with positives.

Give it a go :)

cakedup · 05/05/2015 23:44

But there's a difference between being nice and being a pushover, and being firm/outspoken and being narcissistic/rude.

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2015 23:47

I'm probably cross with myself more than anything for being 'nice' and considerate when really I should just be the opposite.

Why should you be the opposite of nice and considerate?

It's not an either/or situation.

People can be nice and considerate and still get attention/be popular people.

You're focusing on those who are popular but not particularly nice and considerate, when there are a whole load of other people who are both.

Either way, if you really are nice and considerate then why not just concentrate on being you? The world needs more people like that, and less of the ones you're focussing on.

Gralick · 05/05/2015 23:51

I disagree slightly about 'considerate', Worra. Some of us have learned to anticipate others' needs and consider them straight away. As my lovely assertiveness trainer pointed out, this means nobody even realises how much you're considering them. It also prevents you asking for your needs to be met, because you've already thought of how it will inconvenience others.

Of course it's possible to be more moderately considerate, but I often still struggle with that & know I'm far from alone. It's not an unequivocally good quality.

2rebecca · 05/05/2015 23:55

I'm not sure why some of you bother with the narcs and the poor me Facebook pages. I did decide early on that I had to stop caring as much what people thought of me and value my time. It sounds like some of you need to cull your Facebook friend list and real friend list

WorraLiberty · 05/05/2015 23:57

I'm talking about general consideration Gralik, I'm not sure if that's the same as 'moderate'. However, if it prevents you from asking for your own needs to be met then I'd say you're talking about 'extreme' consideration...which in itself is a problem for the person giving it.

To those who are just generally considerate, it doesn't cause problems...or it shouldn't do anyway.