To feel bitter about being a single mother??

[GoldenBoots]

I love my children more than life itself, I really, truly do. But I didnt have them to raise them alone, and when I was younger I certainly didnt see myself ending up a single mother on benefits in a council flat.
ExP left, or should I say I threw him last year, and on the whole I would say I have coped well, but somedays,like today, I just want to throw in the towel and scream I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!
I have 2DCs under 5 who are wonderful and beautiful but boy they would test the patience of a saint!
I try and do my best for them, but Im just so bloody tired, tired of my DS being so angry and demanding, tired of not eating dinner til 9pm cos one or both of them just wont bloody sleep, tired of screeching at the top of my voice cos theyre fighting yet again, tired of the relentless washing/cleaning/cooking/reading/school run/nursery run that I do alone each and every single day. I cant help but feel bloody bitter towards ExP who has none of this responsibility, he has them EOW Sat am - Sun pm, gets to do the fun stuff with them and drops them back.
Surely Im not the only one who feels like this?

I am the same. I had plans to have this happy family and share the upbringing.
I'm lucky that ExH is being a stand up guy some of the time and is around quite a bit for the kids and helping with other things.
But there is still huge resentment towards him as he gets to 'go home' at the end of a day and do whatever he wants whilst I have to shovel down a dinner, do loads of housework and try to get to bed a decent time before they wake at the crack of dawn and it starts all over again.

It is relentless being a single mum. Right now dd (2.9) is being very clingy and jealous and DS (8 months) is feverish and very very needy.

I'm shattered. I want to shower in peace. And sleep in bed alone for just one night (currently co sleeping with DS as its the only way I get any sleep)

And
Your not alone

I'm sorry your Ex-P is such a shit, I always think it's really unfair that NRPs get to do nice fun things and generally miss out on the drudgery that is part and parcel of child-rearing. I have no words of wisdom or advice, BUT when your DC grow up it is you who will have been present in almost all their childhood memories, and you who will most likely be closest to them and a part of their lives in a way that an absent parent can never be.

"you who will most likely be closest to them and a part of their lives in a way that an absent parent can never be"

This is so true.

I am not a single mother, so I don't know how much my opinion counts. But I would say you are definitely NBU. I also have 2 under-5s and, although I adore them, there are times when they've just about broken me. I can't even imagine now that must be when you're on your own.

I do hope they're now sleeping sweetly? And you have earned a and a chance to put your feet up.

aw man, i've been there. It's hard and it's lonely a relentless and the resentment can eat you up.

All I can say is that with every year that passes it gets so much easier. Once they're both at school, things settle. mine are teenagers now and i love our little family, our silly routines.

And no matter how much it feels like a massive burden being the centre of their universe with all of the responsibility, i'd rather have had all this time with them than be in his shoes.

But, while they're little, it's really hard. I won't offer sympathy, i hated peoples sympathy, but i do understand.

Can you go out to work at all? If only for the adult company and the routine of it?

I was just about to add, I went back to work 16 hours a week when they were 1 and 3. It was tough, but it meant i had an identity outside of "maaaaaammmmmyyyyyy" and it meant that days off actually felt like a break rather than the same thing day in day out.

I have been that single mother, I was on benefits and lived in a council flat for years and it was gruelling. Most people really have no idea how relentless it is, even other single mums who aren't on benefits and have decent exes don't get how tough it is. No contact with my dc's dad and no maintenance at all.

It won't always be this way though. I went back to college when my DS started school, had some fun on the dating scene, then met a lovely man who is now my DH and who supports all of us now. Most single mums don't stay single for too long, and financially things tend to be easier once they're at school, and once you settle down with someone else.

Yes, it's really really relentless!

I feel bitter that ex DH is basically a single man with a child and it affects my life far more than his. BUT he is missing out on living with his dc's so I guess I have the better deal.

However, I do love some parts, love being able to do what we want, love eating my dinner in my pj's and love having the bed to myself.

Could your ex have kids one evening in the week giving you time to have fun with your dc's at the weekend? I like this as I get all my life admin done, but I still get to be the fun parent on a Sunday.

Do you have family support? Be really really kind to yourself, lots of little treats even if it's just a bubble bath, it does get better honestly!

It's hard and it's rubbish, and I felt the same as you. I was supposed to be the mum that made hot chocolate when her boys came in from bike rides, not the Primary carer 5 nights a week. Stuck in the house from 7pm till school time the next day (that was usually when I realised I had no milk for a brew...........)

My son's dad went from seeing him every day after nursery, to 3 days a week and weekends, to 1 day and weekends, to just weekends. And now that DS is 13 and playing on the local rugby team, it's just Friday nights.

BUT as much as I'm the parent that has to tell him off, get him to tidy up, get him to do his homework, has the arguments as he's stroppy, I'm the one that gets the hugs and as a PP said: I'm a part of his life in a way his dad will NEVER be.

I'm 11 years down the line and I've gone from part-time work to full-time semi-management, from renting on housing benefits and being poor enough to live off Iceland 6 items for £5 and calling in sick when I didn't have bus fare, to owning a car out right, paying my own mortgage. And my son is lovely.

It's hardwork, but you're a strong bird. Can you start a college course, or can a friend/your mum have the Smalls for a day/night to give you time to regroup?

It gets better! Honest, stay strong and hang in there! I'm a single mum too, my two are happily settled in school so I've gone back to Uni, age 40! I'm the oldest but I don't care, I'm loving it and I want to make my children proud. And have a proper job, a career and NEVER depend on anyone again.
Look after yourself and just find a little "me" time.

Why don't you eat with them?
How about ex doing friday til sunday night eow?

I'm the child of a single parent (also two under 5), and wanted to say that although your DC might not appreciate you properly now, they will do. However hard dad might try now we're older, it'll never be the same as all those years of us and mum. As we got older we've become like a proper little team - and it's awesome. Have a glass of wine and get through the hard times, it will get easier!

I second the "team" feeling - I feel closer and more of an equal to my dc's which I love.

Single mum mates and wine helped a lot too.

Hang on in there lovely, life WILL get better, I promise.

I did 7 years on my own after throwing my ex out who was physically violent to me. It wasn't easy, I was struggling with my health (now registered disabled) and had a baby and a 7 year old. It was hard, Really hard, coping with benefits, a mortgage, trying to do the school run when I was in pain.

It got easier, we got into a routine and eventually I started dating again. I'm engaged now, my kids are 16 and 9, life's pretty good. But the last few years on my own I was happy, I cherished my independence and got used to living with just my kids.

Tomorrow is a new day.

sorry you are feeling so crap today!!

I know not all nrps are great but from the partner of one who is I can assure you some do ensure that time woth them is not all fun. Dp and I make sure that there is a balance of doing something fun and the dcs understanding that the shit mundane stuff at their mum's exists here too.

YANBU one tiny bit. I take my hat off to you for coping, it must be very, very tough.

YANBU Goldenboots but thinking like that will eat you up. Presumably being a single parent is easier and all round better than living with your ex? You don't have the life you planned, but you do have the life your choices have led you to, and you are in control of where it goes next.

And it will get better. You will get through the day, the week, the year, your kids will get more independent, and you will look back fondly on these days when getting to bedtime without throttling them is a miracle. 2 small unreasonable people and no cash is pretty tough.

Build your support network. find other parents whose doorstep you can turn up on because you need to talk to a grown up, and do you have ways to enjoy your weekends? (If your ex is reliable and trustworthy enough to do every weekend without all kinds of fallout for the rest of the week you are luckier than some, and are not stuck eyeball to eyeball with your kids and no cash all weekend when it seems the rest of the world is having 'family time'. Go for walks, play sport, party, earn some money, whatever floats your boat.

As a lone parent I cherish the fact that I can meet friends/ leave the house a tip/ have ten kids round for a sleepover and it's nobody elses business! TBH I pity my friends who have to hurry home to get hubby's dinner and answer to him for every little thing.

2 rules to keep you sane..1- when you are angry with your ex, remember that the point of kicking him out was so you could stop wasting your life being angry with him. 2- never speak negatively about him in front of your children (save it for a drunken rant with your friends)

I hear you! I feel murderous that my ex who lives three minutes away, sees his kids once a week and won't do a thing to support them otherwise. He's not seen them for two weeks, as a long weekend holiday took priority over seeing his kids....and he certainly didn't negotiate any dates...he's just does what the hell he likes, and sees them when it suits him, and I facilitate it, because his kids love him...but are permanently let down by him.

As my kids are getting older, they are realising that he puts next to no effort into parenting them...and that I'm always there for them. It's small comfort, and I think while he is behaving like this, I'm always going to feel bitter that his actions (affair) put us all here, and took my freedom and career from me.

But, it is getting better, and it will. I don't think my ex ever does shit mundane stuff...it's all fucking Starbucks and McDonald's....sigh...

It's very, very difficult. I have days where I just want mine to leave me the hell alone, awful as that sounds, as they constantly clamber round me and pester me and 'mum, mummy, mum, mum, mummy' - 'WHAT?'

I love them, but I'm not a great parent where preschoolers are concerned! I do get sick of being at home all the time: it's the endless cycle of being pleased another day is over only to wake up and have it start all over again. I frequently wonder what the bloody point is!

I do speak negatively, or rather factually, about my ex - they need an explanation and I'm not going to lie. I don't go into vast amounts of detail of course.

Could your ex see them more? He is getting away rather lightly if you ask me!

In your shoes I would insist he took more responsibility, even if only for a short period of time.

YANBU - I'm just starting out as a single mum with an angry, aggressive four year-old dd. Her dad and I spilt in feb, then I had to chuck him out end of March. I am finding it hard as I'm also trying to work full time, move countries and support my terminally ill DF in UK. I'm coming back to UK and she'll see her dad for holidays. I never wanted any of this and I'm sad for her.

Some days I lose it really badly - we're seeing a psychologist cos she's started biting me and pulling my hair out. But and it is a big but, my ex told me he didn't love me any more and wanted to end our relationship. He didn't think about the effect this would have on me or her and, though he'd been grumpy, it came out of the blue for me. He changed his mind after six weeks and wanted me back and I just couldn't. After what had happened, I didn't love or trust him.

He wasn't that involved with her before but of course he was here. He worked long hours and when he was here he was stuck on his online games. I stopped trying to compete with his computer and my neurological problem became chronic. Since we split I'm so much better. I've lost 7 kilos and come back to life. Even he feels bad and thinks he must have been making me ill.

I dont regret the time i spend or the lack of social life, but at the moment there are just so many problems to deal with. I try and tackle two a day - that usually ends with me finding a new one to add to the list. I'm really reassured by some of the comments here. We're in a rough patch but things will settle down and I know I'm a better mum now than I was in that relationship. I may be struggling but I want to have faith in her and in me and I an see that things can improve.

Yanbu. I'm 6yrs in and it's never easy. Only another 12yrs until my youngest goes to uni and I can catch up on my sleep and tidy the house .

Hi I find it very hard too. I was just wondering would anyone be interested in a single mums support thread? Not sure if there is one already anywhere? Or even if anyone was local to each other could meet up? I would love company of someone who gets it totally.

I feel bitter as exh always off on weekends away and holidays with ow and the illegitimate child he spawned while still married to me. And I can just about scrape a few days with kids at the coast and def no abroad holidays. And he likes rubbing in he has all this while I will be forever single. I crave someone but had awful experiences online dating so given up.

But yes the relentless drudgery and money worries is too much sometimes. Also things like man jobs odd bits of diy mowing lawn etc v hard

it gets better - ex left when mine where 7,5 and 8 months

it was hell for a bit but now they are 6,10 and 12 it's loads more manageable x

((((Hugs)))