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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want to fall in love again

32 replies

WhatAboutThePlant · 05/05/2015 14:20

Before anyone mentions, I don't want to post this on the Relationships board. But I've been badly hurt by my previous DP, it's actually sent me on a path of self destruction and I feel as though I'd be quite happy if I never fell in love again. He was highly EA but according to fb and the like he's gone on to live a very happy life. I on the other hand ended up with feelings of pure bitterness and anger. Did anyone just decide to never love again and just live their own life?

OP posts:
Nabootique · 05/05/2015 15:25

I think I could do without it. Seems to be more trouble than it's worth most of the time. I split up with DP a few months back and although he wasn't EA or anything, it did get difficult and painful towards the end.

ladybird69 · 05/05/2015 15:55

Hi I have recently divorced highly EA EX who turned out to be a Narcopath (Drs, therapists and solicitors all called him this!)
I am never ever going down that road again, but whenever I say that in RL people say ooo never say never and ooo you don't know what's around the corner you'll meet a nice man soon! It's like I must have a man in my life, no thanks I got a dog instead Grin

Nabootique · 05/05/2015 15:59

ladybird Agreed. I have more than one friend adamant I should be internet dating. I've got nothing against people doing it, but it's not for me! All of their stories sound so stressful! Quite like not being beholden in any way.

FannyPlant · 05/05/2015 17:09

YANBU. I've decided I'm not dealing with any of that falling in love bollocks again. It's just not worth it.

SoleSource · 05/05/2015 17:09

YANBU

Life is far too short to be worried about being single. Far too much emotional pain at the end.

woowoo22 · 05/05/2015 18:00

YANBU

Apart from the... s.... s.... se... sex... (v poor Miranda impression). That's the only thing that bugs me!

alwaysstaytoolong · 05/05/2015 18:10

I'm done with it all too. People around me think I don't mean it or ' you never know what's around the corner' etc.

I'm happy with my life and happy being single. I wouldn't risk it again to be honest. It's not just my own experiences, you only have to look on the relationship boards here to see the devastation a betrayal can bring if you were happy or even just the shitty 'it's shit but we're both still here in this relationship' sort of stuff.

No thanks.

Smartiepants79 · 05/05/2015 18:23

The thing is you don't know what is round the corner or who you may meet in years to come. You might stay single for ever. You might not.
I think you're not being unreasonable to say you can't imagine ever wanting to be in a relationship again and to actively avoid situations where you'll meet people. I do think it's a little unreasonable to shut it down as a possibility ever ever again.
You could by complete chance meet the most amazing person who changes your life and can be your partner in every sense. You just don't know....
More reasonable to say 'I'm staying happily single for the foreseeable future'
You can still make it clear you don't want to be set up or have single people thrown at you!

SoleSource · 05/05/2015 18:40

I'm being serious, I am 100% shut down to it being a possibility ever, ever again. He could be the greatest man alive and i'll not be interested. I had enough hurt and male bullshit.

everythingsgoingsouth · 05/05/2015 18:49

I wish I knew you all IRL!
I've been single since divorce 10 years ago, am mid-40's.
I could not go through the devastation I went through, I was absolutely heartbroken, it was a total shock to me.
people are always asking me about dating/meeting someone etc, and looking at me pityingly.
I have a nice life, good friends. yes, I get lonely, miss the physical affection etc ,but being lonely is preferable to sheer pain. I'm just not brave enough to risk it.

Sickoffrozen · 05/05/2015 19:35

I think being in a relationship is over rated to be honest. I am thinking of going down this road soon as my partner is getting on my bloody nerves at the moment and frankly the negatives are currently outweighing the positives!

If I do, I will be choosing the single route too. There are so many things I want to do and so many places I want to visit. Mr boring is happy sitting on his arse watching football on the telly!

Think crunch time is coming!

hidingfromthem · 05/05/2015 19:52

YANBU.
i shut up shop on relationships 2 years ago.
i just couldn't take the heartache anymore.
luckily, i live in an area where there are no sane, reasonably attractive single men so i'll never get caught out again.

Fadingmemory · 05/05/2015 19:59

I gave up 15 years ago and am very glad I did. Now I live contentedly with the cat. I have a good job, interests and a lot of friends. Fortunately, am now too old for the vast majority of men to bother.

CuttedUpPear · 05/05/2015 20:08

This is enlightening.
Can I ask how old people are - I'm 49 and it looks like I've just been dumped from a great height.
Just don't fancy ever getting that involved again, but I also don't want to be a bitter old woman. Sad

hidingfromthem · 05/05/2015 20:10

I'm 42.
i also know two women who gave up at 27 and 32 respectively.

BitterChocolate · 05/05/2015 20:16

I wouldn't believe anything on FB, he may be living a happy life but I bet his current partner isn't.

I never thought I would be in the position to have given up on love in my forties, but now I'm here it doesn't seem the end of the world. I almost got divorced, but I think one of my DC would be completely unable to cope with a two-home lifestyle. So I will be staying in my marriage for another decade or so, separate bedrooms and not socialising together except for family occasions. When both DC are adults I will be about to turn 60 and I very much look forward to living by myself. I think I will enjoy it very much. Smile

Hissy · 05/05/2015 20:19

I thought like you, but then I thought "I'll be fucked if the only long term relationship I had in my life was with an abusive wanker, where the fuck us my happy ever after?"

I'm 47 this year.

Don't take anything OFF the table, don't close doors, just make sure that you know which ones to lock, and which ones to open!

Nabootique · 05/05/2015 20:37

I'm 32.

ghostyslovesheep · 05/05/2015 20:41

YANBU I gave up at 39 when my husband, and love of my life, left for another woman

never been happier - I'm 45 this year and I love my life

comingintomyown · 05/05/2015 20:45

Yanbu I have been single almost five and a half years and for the first time I'm thinking about men. Then I look around me amongst friends , media and family and remember my mostly second rate or worse relationships and come to my senses.

All I know is ok there aren't the same highs but boy do I not miss the lows which represented far more of my life

Gabilan · 05/05/2015 20:58

I'm mid 40s. I have a good job, good friends, a horse and 2 cats. (Or, a "horseband" and "fur babies" according to a friend. Fortunately we both find this funny).

I've been single for 8 years apart from an 18 month interlude with an FWB. That was great fun but ran its course. It's quite reasonable to enjoy being single - last time I checked single women were healthier than married ones.

The only slight caveat I would add is that whilst you feel like this now you might or might not change your mind. This is allowed. It's fine to be single, it's great to be in a good relationship. It's the shit relationships you want to avoid.

CarbeDiem · 05/05/2015 21:02

I'm recently out of a LTR and I feel like giving up on men right now too.
I'm 36

annielouise · 05/05/2015 21:06

Yes, I'm another one. Not sure I'd go down that route again. Never felt as happy in a relationship than on my own. I might meet someone wonderful. Would I even know? If you get past the first date you must like them but that's the honeymoon phase. It's later down the line when you're more committed that you find out that they're not so nice, after you've invested a bit more of yourself - emotionally and often financially too. Don't think I could bear the disappointment, hurt, again, turning me into someone I don't recognise. I think I like my equilibrium more. I did have a run of complete shits though.

CuttedUpPear · 05/05/2015 21:44

I'm so gutted that my amazing big love affair went so well for four years then it has spent the last three years falling apart. Seven years I've put in. I am fucking heartbroken.

So if it takes four years to start going wrong, what's the point of starting anything? The pain is just too much.

MillionToOneChances · 05/05/2015 21:52

Same. I'm not ruling it out forever (never say never, right?), but I was hurt badly by my ex-husband and then I've hurt a series of lovely men (including one two-year relationship) because ultimately it turns out I'd rather be single. I've stopped dating for the past couple of years and have never been happier... except in the first hormonally-flushed days of a new relationship - those rocked but not worth the rest!