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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to attend wedding due to leaving baby?

67 replies

purpleteapig · 05/05/2015 13:44

My husband and I are meant to be attending a wedding in a few weeks for one of his friends. It's no kids and we have a 2 year old and a baby who'll be 3 months, so have arranged for family to look after them. It's a 3 hour drive so will involve us staying overnight and we'll be gone about 36 hours.

DH is really looking forward to it and us having some time to ourselves, but I'm starting to dread it and not want to go; mainly because I'm anxious about the baby feeding properly (he's breastfed and although has bottles on occasion, doesn't drink much from them so far) and the fact he's nowhere near sleeping through (usually 2 wake-ups).

DH thinks he'll be fine with our family and will bottle feed enough when there isn't the alternative option of breast feeding, ie he'll be hungry enough to take what he needs. I would like to go as feel pretty drained at the moment and a night away would be nice, but I just keep having images of him screaming his head off while our family are frantically trying to soothe him. Aibu and OTT? I was fine leaving DS1 with my mum o/n about this age but he was bottle fed and a good sleeper...

OP posts:

ZolaGood · 05/05/2015 16:01

I did it when DS 1 was 3.5 months thinking a night away would be brilliant. He took bottles ok and I left loads of ebm but the pain and fullness I had meant it wasn't worth it-I was up and down to the room pumping when it would have been easier to feed. I would never do it again so YANBU imo

blondegirl73 · 05/05/2015 16:02

I would double check the no kids thing. Normally tiny babies don't count as no kids in my experience.

TheBoov · 05/05/2015 16:07

I wouldn't have been able to leave a 3 month old for 36 hours. YANBU at all. Any chance of bringing family member with you to babysit so you can go and feed? Or getting a babysitter in your room?
It's too early for a breastfed baby IMO.

EskSmith · 05/05/2015 16:11

Have you left the baby before? You need at the very least a trial of this before you are 3 hours away. Having said that there is no way I would agree to this 36 hours is a long time and likely to compromise your breastfeeding unless you spend a lot of time pumping. Why not use the babysitting favours for a couple of nights out locally for just you 2? Have you explained all this to Dh, he sounds a bit clueless regarding breastfeeding but he should be supporting you not insisting on something that is too difficult for you.

SignoraStronza · 05/05/2015 16:11

YANBU at all to not go. If they can't bear to have a tiny baby in arms (who can be pacified at the drop of a bra cup) at their special day, then you are perfectly within your rights to give it a miss, especially as you have a bottle refuser on your hands. It will be distressing not only for the baby, but for the caregiver if they can't get him to feed.
You also run the risk of blocked ducts, pain, discomfort, leaky boobs and a nursing strike on your return.
I'd argue that babies need their mums, however they're fed.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 05/05/2015 16:13

YANBU. Most people will make an exception for babes-in-arms though - have you checked?

I was in this position when my youngest was tiny (10wo in my case). Very tricky as the bride was a very close friend and she was insistent no children at all. It was also a long way away, so would have meant 2 nights away. I simply couldn't have done it. We weren't in any kind of a routine and I felt it was way too much to ask my parents to look after 3 very small children all weekend and get up to feed the baby multiple times a night, not even knowing if the bottle would be accepted. Aargh!

In the end, we took the baby who cluster fed through the meal enjoyed being passed around loads of strangers in between feeds and slept through the disco in the pram behind a heavy curtain. Thus causing absolutely no bother to anyone...

helloelo · 05/05/2015 16:15

oh poor you, it's really hard
Anybody can understand you need a break and it's perfectly fine to go if you're comfortable with it.
Just be aware the amount of pumping you'll need to do during those 36 hours. To me, it would not be worth it. I'd take the babysitting offer and have a night off with DH 9pm-9am (food in bed, sex, uninterrupted sleep)

aloysiusflyte · 05/05/2015 16:15

This happened to me - baby 3 months old, wedding 3 hour drive away, no kids allowed and no hotel at wedding venue. We asked bride and groom if they'd make an exception as ds was only bf and I hadn't got him to take a bottle and the answer was a definite - 'no, leave him with the grandparents.' I said I couldn't do that so dh went on his own.
Sadly our friendship with the b and g has gone downhill - they were cross with me for not making the effort to attend their wedding (!) I'm cross with them for not bending their rules to accommodate an old friend who would have loved to have been there.
My advice would be to speak to the b and g and see if they would allow baby but don't feel pressured to go, I felt sick at the thought of leaving ds as they are so dependent on their parents at that age.

fatlazymummy · 05/05/2015 16:24

I wouldn't have left any of my babies overnight at 3 months, and they were all bottlefed.

Original poster

purpleteapig · 05/05/2015 16:28

Thanks for the replies! They have said definitely no kids (apart from their own) so I wouldn't be able to bring him. My plan was to bring my expressing machine, but I hadn't really thought about the number of times I'd have to do it, and it's just occurred to me that the hotel we're staying at isn't that near the wedding venue, so that makes it more complicated.

I'll talk to DH tonight about me not going and him attending alone (they are his friends primarily anyway). It would be nice for a night away but as most posters say, maybe not worth the stress at this stage. An evening out locally while my mum babysits would probably be the better option...

OP posts:

Original poster

purpleteapig · 05/05/2015 16:30

It's good to know I'm not being precious about it. When I first broached it with DH, although he was sympathetic, I could tell he thought I was being a bit OTT.

OP posts:

maninawomansworld · 05/05/2015 16:57

I am normally the first to say that couples need alone time and as much as I love my kids, I also LOVE getting rid of them for a night or two when I can and if that makes me a bad person then shoot me, I don't care.

However, I probably would have been worried about leaving a BF 3 month old for 36 hours and going so far away. At that age, although we left our kids with GP overnight, we didn't go anywhere that was more than an hour or so away so that we could return if there was a serious problem.
In my mind it's not the length of time it's the distance that's the problem.

So on balance YANBU.

Why not talk with your DH and come to some arrangement whereby you stay sober so you can drive then if there are real problems he has to be prepared to leave immediately no arguing.

LD29 · 05/05/2015 17:09

I had this happen too. I eventually spoke to the bride who was more than happy for me to take the baby. In hindsight it was right for me as I couldn't have settled. If u choose this option, phone hotel / venue in advance to ensure you have a suitable locked room, comfy chair and water. Some venues have a poor layout, so it's worth considering. The dress I was wearing wasn't bf friendly though, so I basically had to strip each time, but it was a fabulous dress and worth that effort . The other thing to consider would be if your baby would drink from a cup? Might just solve the problem op?

hackmum · 05/05/2015 17:11

You can't leave a breastfed baby for 36 hours. Even if the grandparents are feeding breastmilk from a bottle, your breasts will become really engorged and painful. And there is no guarantee, actually, that your DS will drink from a bottle while you're not there.

I would just say no - or ask if I can take the baby with you.

Scholes34 · 05/05/2015 17:20

It's almost 18 years since I could have been in a similar situation, and whilst most things to do with early years parenting have seen me become more relaxed and laid back and looking back I can't see why I was so uptight, the thought of leaving a three month old exclusively breastfed baby for upwards of 36 hours fills me with dread.

sadwidow28 · 05/05/2015 17:22

purpleteapig YANBU

Another possible solution, if you can afford it, is to book your family member(s) into the hotel where you are staying. You and DH go to the wedding without worrying about DCs, but family are there having a mini-break and caring for your DCs so you don't worry.

I have done it for my family. I enjoyed telling DB and DSIL where I had taken the children; explored locality; found park with swings etc. SIL was overjoyed to have grown-up time with DB but oh so glad to be re-united.

My DH and I once went to Malta to child-mind for our best friends ..... that was a great excuse for a forrin 'olliday eh?

slithytove · 05/05/2015 17:26

I wouldnt go, and I would cancel asap to be polite.
Dd is 8mo, weaning well, and I still wouldn't go. She is bf to sleep 2/3 times a night still

dreading leaving her in August

Jackiebrambles · 05/05/2015 17:27

I know its up to them but i'm quite surprised at a couple who are parents themselves being so un-movable on this! Babes in arms don't cost them anything extra.

My wedding was no kids (other than immediate family children) because we got married later in life and there would have been 20+ children on the guest list if we had invited them all. But my friend's little one was about 3 months at the time and breastfed and they asked me if it was ok to bring him and of course we said yes. He was adorable and everyone just loved a cuddle and he slept most of the time anyway!

sadwidow28 · 05/05/2015 17:32

I pressed 'send too soon'

...so cont.....

I am now a widow and my dog is my precious friend. I attend family and freinds' christenings, weddings, birthday parties etc. all over the UK.

Obviously, my dog can't be invited - so I always book an extra room in a dog-friendly hotel so that he is walked and looked after during the day - quick taxi back to hotel/change clothes - back to festivities to do my dancing!

My dog has stayed several time in the Europa Hotel in Belfast .... and the concierge opens the door for him, greets him and escorts us to the lift he has been designated! You have to laff!

If I won't leave my dog - why should you be expected to leave your precious baby? Doesn't make sense to me!

sadwidow28 · 05/05/2015 17:34

extra room in a dog-friendly hotel is for dog sitting friend.

I am going to stop posting because I am messing this up today!

Seeingthebeautyineveryminute · 05/05/2015 17:50

There is no way I would leave a 3 month old for 36 hours. I would even leave my bf one year old overnight. Yanbu

SnozzberryPie · 05/05/2015 17:51

I wouldn't have left dd at that age. I would decline the invite saying something like 'i am sorry but I wont be able to come as dd is breastfed and cannot be left overnight '. This gives them chance to tell you that you can bring the baby, without having to ask them directly, which would put them on the spot a bit.

Seeingthebeautyineveryminute · 05/05/2015 18:01

At 3 months a baby is still essentially part of you. Baby is relying on you for food, comfort etc. they are bu for not recognising this and allowing a babe in arms.

Brandysnapper · 05/05/2015 18:15

I wouldn't go. If you were happy to do it, fair enough, but you're not.

MummyLuce · 05/05/2015 19:59

No-don't go if you have all these concerns. I absolutely definAtely wouldn't, 3 months is teeny tiny. Especially a breast fed 3 month old. I wouldn't leave a 3 month old for more than a half day I don't think. I left both mine for a night at 11 months. That seemed okay, if a little strange at first.

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