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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about my friend and should I apologise?

46 replies

Nabootique · 05/05/2015 12:18

I have a friend who I love dearly but she is a bugger for double booking/rearranging things at the last minute. I have previously just accepted this as one of her quirks, but we have now had a bit of an argument over it and although I don't feel like I'm in the wrong, I'm wondering if I should apologise because I don't want to fall out over it.

So, we had arranged to meet up a week in advance of the day in question. She later tells me she is meeting other people in a different town (further away for me) or she'll meet me later on in original location. This then changes again and she is busy in the evening, can I do the afternoon? I say I don't know yet (I had potential plans for the afternoon). On the day I call to find out and I'm told that she doesn't know what's going on with the other people during the day, and she's busy in the evening so can we meet in the afternoon. I say yes, and we plan to meet in the town she lives, which is what she says she wants to do. She let's me know a bit later that the other friends do want to meet after all and they are going to neighbouring town, can I meet there? I say yes, we meet up later and go back to her town together for food/drinks. She's meeting someone else later, fine, I knew about that, but she is going to get this person to come to where we are. I excuse myself to talk to another friend who is there whilst she has her hellos with her friend, thinking I will just come back to say hello, and spend rest of evening with my other friend. I get back and her friend wouldn't stay, but I've made alternative arrangements by now, in keeping with what I thought her plans were, and I am accused of ditching her! I explain that I thought she had plans of her own, and that it's not my fault the person chose not to stay (didn't like the pub, apparently) and she gets the right hump. I think I would have been more patient, but things like the back story detailed above happen all the time and I don't usually mind but because I made arrangements and hers fell through I've been made to feel like the bad guy.

I ended up just walking away. Obviously I don't want to fall out so I don't know whether to just apologise to keep the peace. She never actually stands me up, but things always shift around depending on what she arranges without asking and if I make alternative arrangements whilst she's meant to be busy, she doesn't like it, because her plans don't always work out. Sorry, this is long!

OP posts:
0x530x610x750x630x79 · 05/05/2015 12:20

So hour day has go revolve around her, she is taking the piss. Everyone else seems to be more important than you in your story?

Does she ever ask anyone to re-arrange to fit in with you?

Weebirdie · 05/05/2015 12:23

I think enough is enough and its now time to tell your friend that what happened stemmed from her dithering and inability to keep to your original plans and because of it you'll no longer alter any arrangements you make with her from now on in.

She will either accept it with good grace or she'll throw her toys out of the cot and highlight the fact she is indeed a spoilt brat.

Do no apologise.

Stripyhoglets · 05/05/2015 12:23

She sounds like hard work tbh. And like you are the fallback friend who she wants to keep available and in reserve if she can't organise seeing someone else or plans fall through. TBH if someone did this to me I really wouldn't bother seeing them as I like to know someone I'm spending time with also wants to spend time with me as well.

Original poster
Nabootique · 05/05/2015 12:24

I don't know, actually. I would assume that she is like this with everyone, so possibly. The way she worded the thing with her friend the other night was that she blew them out to stay with me, which I guess she did, but if they'd stayed where we were then she would have been with them, IYSWIM? This isn't someone I know myself.

OP posts:
CrystalHaze · 05/05/2015 12:24

Don't apologise. Anyone with a brain cell can see that she was/is highly unreasonable. If you choose to go out with her again, bail the second plans start to change

AliceLidl · 05/05/2015 12:27

I'd fall out if I were you.

She messed you about enough.

She doesn't value your time and was using you only when she had nobody else to entertain her.

She had you changing the time and place you met to suit her, more than once, and then bitched at you when her better offer fell through.

She's not a friend. She's not worth keeping as a friend.

She is a user who puts herself first all the time. I wouldn't be worrying about being the one to fall out with her.

She should be doing her best to make things up to you.

Original poster
Nabootique · 05/05/2015 12:27

Thanks all. I think maybe she was a bit drunk at the time, but she hasn't been in touch since.

Usually the changes are more along the lines of "Oh, can we meet a bit later now as I'm having a quick coffee with X before I meet you", which is less annoying, but I take public transport to meet her, often straight from work as it's easier/nearer than from home, and I end up filling time, you know?

OP posts:
0x530x610x750x630x79 · 05/05/2015 12:30

With these sort of people it is best to arrange to meet them somewhere you can entertain yourself.

Leave if they are late, be busy if they try to take the piss. She if she actually wants to make the effort to see you.
DO NOT CONTACT HER

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/05/2015 12:34

OH dear, she's a proper flake, isn't she?
I'm only amazed that you actually managed to meet up with her at all!
But what IS clear is that she only prioritises HERSELF at all times, and chooses to leave everything up in the air to get the best deal for herself - this isn't the way a true friend behaves. True friends make plans and stick to them because they consider you important enough to actually prioritise that meeting with you over other plans that may crop up along the way.

So leave her to it. Do not apologise - you have done nothing wrong. She just got the hump because she wasn't anyone else's priority - but to be fair, why the fuck should she be??

So she might contact you in the future but if I were you I wouldn't put up with any more of this shit, just make a plan and if she fails to stick to it, say "never mind, maybe next time" instead of allowing her to faff around like this.

Original poster
Nabootique · 05/05/2015 12:37

Just remembered a couple of other things that made me grrrr. When we were disagreeing she very passive aggressively said "I don't want to argue with you (takes my hand)", I think that's nice, me neither, "but you are ditching me. I've made the time to spend time with you". And she could have stayed with me and other friend, but she didn't want to sit outside (too cold) and that was where we were. Humph. I hate carrying around that annoyed feeling!

OP posts:
Branleuse · 05/05/2015 12:40

text her and tell her that shes really mucking you about with arrangements every single time you meet. Youre getting fucked off with it, and last time she was downright rude, and that you expect an apology and a change in attitude

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/05/2015 12:41

I could be wrong, but from what you've said all her changes seem to stem from her wanting to see other people, i.e. demonstrating that she is Miss Popular, so many friends, all wanting to see her, her, her. That evening, it was perfectly clear to her that you've got friends too. I think that put her nose out of joint! How dare you have a life that doesn't involve her, don't you KNOW that your sole purpose in life is to dance attendance on Miss Popular? And boy, she does like to make you dance!

"I have previously just accepted this as one of her quirks"
That was nice of you, but sadly her real quirk is self-absorption Sad.

You are not in the wrong here. DO NOT APOLOGISE.

TheCraicDealer · 05/05/2015 12:44

Well yes it sounds like she is a flake of the highest order. But I think that sometimes she might be trying to keep all parties happy by not ‘ditching’ anyone, but in reality it fucks you off more because you’d rather just make firm plans that don’t change for another day. She doesn’t want to be the ditcher, but she doesn’t see that it’s putting you out more by constantly tweaking plans. You could fall out with her but I think character traits like this are so engrained by your mid-teens that people can’t change, even with the best of intentions. You need to decide whether it’s a dealbreaker really.

Original poster
Nabootique · 05/05/2015 12:47

I think I'm tolerant of it because a) I'm a bit of a door mat, not just with her and b) she is one of the very, very few friends I have that is actually up for going out and socialising. I have other friends, but with different interests, which is fine sometimes (wouldn't do for us all to like the same, as my grandmother would say), but a lot of my friends behave a bit more maturely than I do, if I'm honest, and a night out requires weeks of planning, a sit down meal, new outfits must be bought, etc., and I find it a bit of a yawn and like to be a bit more spontaneous. Sorry, that's not really relevant, just explaining her place in my life!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nabootique · 05/05/2015 12:49

I'm not getting at people with full schedules who need to plan in advance, by the way! I understand that some people need to, of course! I just mean I don't have many "Oh, do you fancy a quick drink tomorrow night" friends.

OP posts:
AliceHoney · 05/05/2015 12:59

You've been very patient and accommodating with her for a long time, by the sounds of it, so she thinks that it's not a problem that she continues to behave like this. It's probably come as a complete surprise to hear that you've put your foot down. If you remain friends with her (and I think you should try tp

PeeNoMore · 05/05/2015 13:02

YANBU - she is. I honestly can't be bothered with people like this. No one's time is more important than your own. She overlooks herself and then asks you to change - you are lower down her pecking order than the other friends.

Don't apologise. You could arrange to meet up and agree a time just say no to any attempts to change it.

AliceHoney · 05/05/2015 13:02

Dammit! Fat fingers, tiny phone screen, sorry...
I was going to say: it would be a shame to fall out with her irrevocably without giving her a chance to sort things out, but in future I think that once a plan is made you need to refuse any changes, however minor. Make it clear that you have other things going on in your life too, and she has to fit in with you as much as you fitting in with her. You don't exist purely for her convenience.

pluCaChange · 05/05/2015 13:06

It sounds as though you're engaging with the flakiness a bit (when you said you didn't know what you were doing yet), but she's so far beyond you in flakiness that you needn't worry too much about looking bad next to her! Grin

Nevertheless, you'll need to move away from her way of doing things (and even from her) if you want this nonsense to stop...

UnpushyMother · 05/05/2015 13:10

Ditch her! Life's too short for that kind of crap!

Original poster
Nabootique · 05/05/2015 13:12

pluCaChange Grin in my defence, I was waiting to hear from another flaky friend about those plans.

I will be more assertive about this now, thank you. My free time is very precious (full time job, child, dependent relative to look after).

OP posts:
SorchaN · 05/05/2015 13:12

I understand the inclination to be spontaneous, but it's your friend's spontaneity that's screwing up the plans you've made. If it were me, I'd make a plan with the friend and if she tried to change it I'd tell her I had other plans later/earlier and if we didn't meet at the time and place arranged we'd have to meet some other day. And stick to it. She needs to learn that you're not going to sit around waiting for her to have time for you (even if that's exactly what you're doing!).

pluCaChange · 05/05/2015 14:10

If you are any sort of introvert, you can always be spontaneous with yourself! Grin Go off and enjoy a coffee (or sit on the loo!) alone, far from the commitments you mentioned! Smile

Original poster
Nabootique · 05/05/2015 14:20

I do sometimes. I like going to dinner by myself now and then. Keep thinking about evening classes as well.

I'd just had such a nice weekend and managed to take a couple of days off at the end of last week (DD with her dad) and went to stay with a friend for two nights so had a nice little break for a change, then had DD at weekend, so this thing with friend last night has just put a bit of a dampener on it. Just a bit stressed (XDP and XDH, friends, money) so I'm feeling a bit sensitive. Just cried in a meeting with my boss Confused

OP posts:
pluCaChange · 05/05/2015 16:32

Oh, no! Well, you mustn't allow any guilt-tripping after you become assertive to make you feel any worse. Sad

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