about my friend and should I apologise?

[Nabootique]

I have a friend who I love dearly but she is a bugger for double booking/rearranging things at the last minute. I have previously just accepted this as one of her quirks, but we have now had a bit of an argument over it and although I don't feel like I'm in the wrong, I'm wondering if I should apologise because I don't want to fall out over it.

So, we had arranged to meet up a week in advance of the day in question. She later tells me she is meeting other people in a different town (further away for me) or she'll meet me later on in original location. This then changes again and she is busy in the evening, can I do the afternoon? I say I don't know yet (I had potential plans for the afternoon). On the day I call to find out and I'm told that she doesn't know what's going on with the other people during the day, and she's busy in the evening so can we meet in the afternoon. I say yes, and we plan to meet in the town she lives, which is what she says she wants to do. She let's me know a bit later that the other friends do want to meet after all and they are going to neighbouring town, can I meet there? I say yes, we meet up later and go back to her town together for food/drinks. She's meeting someone else later, fine, I knew about that, but she is going to get this person to come to where we are. I excuse myself to talk to another friend who is there whilst she has her hellos with her friend, thinking I will just come back to say hello, and spend rest of evening with my other friend. I get back and her friend wouldn't stay, but I've made alternative arrangements by now, in keeping with what I thought her plans were, and I am accused of ditching her! I explain that I thought she had plans of her own, and that it's not my fault the person chose not to stay (didn't like the pub, apparently) and she gets the right hump. I think I would have been more patient, but things like the back story detailed above happen all the time and I don't usually mind but because I made arrangements and hers fell through I've been made to feel like the bad guy.

I ended up just walking away. Obviously I don't want to fall out so I don't know whether to just apologise to keep the peace. She never actually stands me up, but things always shift around depending on what she arranges without asking and if I make alternative arrangements whilst she's meant to be busy, she doesn't like it, because her plans don't always work out. Sorry, this is long!

You are always her Plan B. The minute she gets a better offer, she bumps you down the list.

What AliceLidl said.

This person is not a friend.

Don't apologise.

Start to distance yourself. The first time you won't dance round her, she'll fall off the radar.

"Oh, can we meet a bit later now as I'm having a quick coffee with X before I meet you", which is less annoying

I think you're a saint. That's EXTREMELY annoying – and insulting –IMO, and that's not even her worst behaviour.

Ditch her. Get a better friend. You sound nice.

Say"I'm done" and walk away. She is undeserving of your friendship.

That's nice of you to say OnlyLovers

Just posting an update. She did text yesterday in the end and there was no apology but it said "I don't want to fall out. Hope you had a good night. See you when I get back x". She is going away for a few weeks, so I said "Me neither. Hope you have a wonderful time x". I did not apologise though.

Hmm. That could mean that she's generously willing to overlook your poor behaviour this time, op..... I will be interested to hear what happens next time you don't wait around for her, as I'm guessing she will be rather less tolerant of your quirks still, you never know, she may be learning (esp as you didn't apologise - good move)!

It sounds as if this crisis is over but from now on I'd refuse to accommodate any changes. Just say "oh we'll have to rearrange for another time then, if we can't stick to the original plan. Eventually she'll get the message and stop messing you around.

People only mess you around if you let them. You may not actually be plan b, other people may just put up with less, so by default you are the one she messes around as she knows you'll do it.

Part of me doesn't see why you had to go just because she was meeting another friend, or why you made another arrangement before the other friend arrived & you knew how things would pan out.

It sounds as if the other friend treats your friend in the same way as she treats you.

Is she trying to be all things to all people do you think, or really only thinking of herself & how she can see the most people for the least effort on her part?

Is she scared that if she says no the others will dump her?

I think she needs to realise that they aren't her true friends, as do you with her!

Next time she wants to involve others before/after, just say no!

diddl When I say she was meeting "a friend", it was sort of a date and I was being euphemistic as it was her first time meeting him. He was definitely coming and I didn't want to be a third wheel on her date and it could have made things awkward for them, so yes, I made alternative arrangements.

I think it might be that she just wants to fit in as much as possible, as easily as possible, and be all busy and popular.

Ah, ok.

So then her date dumped her without having a date??

That might explain her reaction!

Still not your fault though.

I suppose the bit about you meeting another friend is irrelevant in a way as you could just have easily have booked a taxi home for when she was meeting her"friend".

If she said that she only had time until 9 for example, it's not your fault that her plans fell through.

If thy hadn't, & you hadn't met a friend there, I'm thinking she would have been OK with leaving you!

So, she doesn't like to be treated the way that she treats others.

Who would have thought it??

To be honest, I wonder if perhaps the date was only interested if he thought he could lure her off for a quick shag, and bailed when it was apparent that wasn't going to happen, but I'm only speculating due to some of the internet dating stories I have heard.

Although he did say it was because he didn't like the venue we were in, but I did think that was a bit if you liked the person.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"

he didn't like the venue we were in as it wasn't his bedroom :)

Clearly it was nothing to do with the venue - if date was keen on being with her they could simply have moved elsewhere.

I think the problem is that you have been far too ready to accommodate her, therefore she sees you as the person who will change your arrangements so she can fit in others. If there's a next time, tell her that the date and time you have arranged is the only time you can do, and if she tries to change it just tell her it's impossible.

You are just an option she uses to fill up the time when she can't make arrangements to meet those she considers real friends.

Don't play her game, you are worth more than this. Spend time with real friends who don't mess you around like this.

I wouldn't bother contacting her

She's pissed off that you weren't waiting around to be her plan B should her plan A fall through by the sounds of things.

I think if you like her & are OK with meeting her between her other plans, that's OK.

What isn't OK(imo) is to then further change the plans she has with you iyswim.

How do you get to do anything spontaneously with a child, full time job and dependent relative? I have to plan everything and I'm in a similar situation plus have a partner to do childcare. I do have free time but it's rarely spontaneous and I've accepted that for this stage of my life.

If the spontaneity is so important to you, then you're stuck with this friend. But I would want to assert my choice not to be bottom of the heap. As others have said, next time she attempts to change arrangements in any way, reply with 'ah, that won't work for me so looks like we'll have to leave it and meet another time'. Don't remonstrate with her (she sounds like the type who will always think you are the unreasonable one if you do that) just show her via consequences. If she messes you around, you cancel the whole thing. That's the only way she'll learn.

"she is one of the very, very few friends I have that is actually up for going out and socialising."

Ah, but how can you really socialize with her when she is trying to juggle every single one of her friends in different locations and times, throughout the day, leaving you hanging around waiting to see where the crumbs will fall and she will be free to meet you?

Sorry, but you are like polyfilla.

Tendon I usually have free time at quite short notice because I don't know if I need to care for relative or not, depending on how they are and if they have specific needs that day or if someone else has helped out, and also am flexible with when I have DD as XDH sometimes needs me to have her for extra time at short notice. I tend not to plan in advance because, ironically, I don't want to have to change things or let anyone down.

I reckon the date just didn't fancy her when he saw her, so made an excuse. Rough for her but no need for he to take out her chagrin on you - imagine if you hadn't made alternative plans, and you were hanging around like a spare wheel! If they'd had better reactions to each other, you'd have just been so much deadweight and she would have been giving you the evil eye to fuck off.

Glad you've both made contact, but equally glad that you didn't apologise, as she didn't either. You really have no need to.

I have a friend like this and she use dot mess me around and change arrangements, even when I had booked days off of work and arranged with flatmates etc to have her stay.

In the end, we had a falling out over it like you and when the dust had settled a bit and neither of us were feeling emotional, I talked to her and explained how it was from my perspective and how it made me feel and she was really apologetic. Since then she has been great with arrangements and has stopped trying to do a million things and see a million people at once.

Sometimes people just don't realise how their behaviour affects others. Maybe you can have a proper talk about it when she comes back from holiday?