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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - when the whole family revolves around one person...

28 replies

TwiningsBrewTime · 05/05/2015 10:13

Anyone else have this? BIL is and always has been treated like the sun shines out of him and we're reaching breaking point with MIL/FIL.

DP is the most generous, caring person I know. He looks after everyone, loves having friends/family round as it's an excuse for him to go OTT with the food and drink (we are not wealthy) and he loves making sure everyone has a good time. He'll drop everything to help anyone out.

HOWEVER, it's a long-standing joke that BIL is extremely money-focussed and would sell his granny for a quid, despite both he and SIL having very well paid jobs.

But it's not funny - he's really rude and completely inconsiderate, especially towards his parents, as they massively compensate for his unpleasant personality by pretending his behaviour is normal (and bitching to high heaven about it to us later)

He has screwed us over many times to save himself some money.

We went out for a quick lunch with BIL and SIL once - we suggested about 10 places, varying in cost but none over the top (as we're not wealthy) and he declared them all to be too expensive (they were Pret, Subway etc... as there was limited choice)

He then chose a restaurant which was more expensive than all of the places we suggested... because he had a loyalty card.

DP and I ordered, BIL followed DP to the till, produced his loyalty card to collect stamps for the meals for me and DP, that DP paid for, and then had enough stamps to get a meal for SIL and himself completely free.

DP has been so conditioned by his parents over the years to think BIL walks on water that he didn't comment - there are a hundred examples like this.

If someone in my family tried that with anyone, let alone their own sibling, not only would everyone be mortified that they could be so crass and penny-pinching, but the offender would be swiftly brought into line

The most recent thing is that DP was told - yes, TOLD, by BIL that he was driving SIL & BIL to the airport - on his way home - despite it being at least an hour in the opposite direction of our home and he had been helping them clean up and lug boxes about for 48 hours, without a word of thanks...

I objected (as FIL and MIL were pretending that BIL barking orders at DP was OK) and my FIL shouted in my face over and over again that it was a 'misunderstanding' and BIL 'was confused' and had done 'nothing wrong'...

AIBU to object? It's worth noting - I hold my tongue all the time to keep the peace and have only every pointed the unfairness out (calmly and rationally) when it's been beyond a joke.

OP posts:
MrsNextDoor · 05/05/2015 10:17

You had me at FIL shouting in your face. Cut contact with the lot of them. They sound DREADFUL. If your DH wants to see them then that's up to him but in your shoes...NOPE! I would be having nothing more to do with any of them and I would tell them why too.

notplayers · 05/05/2015 10:20

I think your DP needs to be a lot more assertive. It is unfair on you for him to allow his family to treat you like this, including letting his father shout in your face.
I would be having strong words!

Heels99 · 05/05/2015 10:22

Why are you choosing to spend time with these people? Make a different choice. They won't change but you can change spending time with them.

mummytime · 05/05/2015 10:23

They sound like a pretty toxic family. Your DP is trying to earn their approval - and unfortunately they are unlikely to ever give it to him.

You might want to drop into the Stately Homes thread in relationships (it has the words Stately Homes in the title).

Andro · 05/05/2015 10:24

YANBU, but any change needs to come primeraly from your DP. Perhaps focus your efforts on gently helping your DP reevaluate how he interacts with his brother? After years of conditioning it may be very difficult for him to take a stand, especially if his parents reenforce the current dynamic.

Your FiL should not have shouted in your face, that is completely unacceptable and could easily be perceived as being threatening.

ahbollocks · 05/05/2015 10:26

Your BIL sounds like a sociopath. His parents sound scared of him too. I would absolutely cut all contact

Original poster
TwiningsBrewTime · 05/05/2015 10:30

Hi - thanks for the replies.

DP was upset that I was upset and finds it really hard to actually see that what his brother does is unreasonable, until I point it out. Although I think he is just conditioned/afraid of the predictable backlash - he wants to keep everyone happy.

They have all lived this way: everyone jumps to do whatever BIL demands, they say nothing at the time, then they all grumble away about it afterwards.

DP has been got at by both parents in front of me for refusing to carry a 20 inch pizza box on a packed tube train for SIL, as she didn't want to, because she said 'it'd be a nightmare carrying it on the tube' but wanted the 3 slices of pizza which were left.
MIL whined and accused DP of being 'nasty' and 'selfish' when he refused to carry it and deliver it to SIL's once she was back in London (later that evening)

I am by no means perfect and I don't think I'm handling it in the right way as I am not very gentle in pointing these things out to DP - mainly because I am incensed on his behalf - the last thing I want is to isolate him from his family

OP posts:
Heels99 · 05/05/2015 10:32

You should want to isolate him from his family as they are toxic.

Original poster
TwiningsBrewTime · 05/05/2015 10:35

Heels99 - I don't think it's healthy for me to want to isolate him from his family - that is a huge decision which should come from him.

I love him and want to support him - hence the pointing out the unreasonable behaviour

Luckily we have some friends who have witnessed it several times and he is gradually starting to see - which makes him more upset as he is shocked that his parents would rather have a go at him/me, than address his brother's behaviour

He's hurt that BIL is favoured over him - and I feel horrible for being the person to point it all out to him

OP posts:
ClareAbshire · 05/05/2015 10:44

I'm dealing with a similar situation at the moment. FIL and MIL adore their daughter and defend her even when she's doing indefensible things but don't do the same for DH and make him the scapegoat.

After events of the last week- with FIL shouting in my face too!- I've said very calmly, without ranting and raving, that I won't be seeing them anymore as I can't stand the inequality, DHs sadness or SILs spoilt behaviour any longer. DH is welcome to see them and take the kids if he wants, but I wont be going.

It's all you can do for your own sanity.

Mistigri · 05/05/2015 10:50

You don't have to isolate him from his family, he's a grown up, that's up to him.

However I'd strongly recommend that you consider isolating yourself! If one of my ILs screamed in my face it'd ge the last opportunity they got to speak to me until a full apology was forthcoming.

I think very often by refusing to start a "conflict" in these situations, you end up simply validating the dysfunctional behaviour. I think you need to draw a line and walk away.

FujimotosElixir · 05/05/2015 10:53

oh god op its horrible isnt it? i have a BIL who is very demanding, everything has to be how he wants it,its strained my relationship with IL's as MIL panders to his behaviour and I blame her for a lot of it.

Original poster
TwiningsBrewTime · 05/05/2015 10:57

ClareA - thanks - feels better to know I'm not alone! I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes as I seem to be the only voice of reason in the lunacy.

I was really angry at DP for allowing himself to be treated like a mug - and instead of being calm and remembering that he's had 30+ years of this treatment, I was angry with him, which upset him and put him right bang in the middle, which was wrong of me.

I always think I should butt in and confront BIL (I don't have issues with asserting myself Grin) but actually, it needs to come from him, or it won't change anything

I've told DP that I will continue to love and support him, and attend family events, but I won't be bending over backwards for his family anymore

OP posts:
UnpushyMother · 05/05/2015 10:58

I would go non contact.

My parents are the same over my sister, she is the golden child and I'm the scapegoat. I am non contact with them all now. Best thing I've ever done!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/05/2015 11:00

I think you should buy him the book about toxic families - help him to see for himself how godawful they all are - once he breaks his conditioning, he might be all in favour of ditching them all as they sound appalling!

namechange0dq8 · 05/05/2015 11:03

my FIL shouted in my face over and over again

So why are you spending time with him?

They all sound vile. Leave your husband to dead with them.

namechange0dq8 · 05/05/2015 11:03

dead deal, of course. But on the other hand...

Original poster
TwiningsBrewTime · 05/05/2015 11:06

I will definitely back off - FIL is attention-seeking and thinks he's hilarious (he isn't - he's homophobic and sexist) - I have gritted my teeth and smiled sweetly for DP's sake (DP was v proud when FIL seemed to like me)

Incidentally, my own father, who I am NC with, is probably gay but in massive denial - he recently revealed that he's been HIV positive for well over 15 years and didn't tell any of us, despite living with us all.

I have put up with FIL waving his hand around like a 'fairy', branding homosexuals 'disgusting', telling both his sons that he was 'worried about them' if they liked musicals or afternoon tea or something and saying what 'a shame' it was that Prince, Freddie Mercury etc... were gay, as he liked their music

I have said not one word as I was in his house, if I did say something it would be every five seconds, as he thinks he's funny and is after a reaction.

The shouting at me is because I am female and, because I've held my tongue for so long, I think he believes that he only has to shout louder and be overbearing enough for me to bow down.

OP posts:
WipsGlitter · 05/05/2015 11:10

My DP is also treated terribly by his brother, he just expects DP to jump to help him - drive me to get my car where I left it, comes round for dinner every Sunday but doesn't help, is fleecing him out of money from a joint property they rent out.

I can't believe what I witness sometimes so you have my sympathy.

DazzleU · 05/05/2015 11:10

everyone jumps to do whatever BIL demands, they say nothing at the time, then they all grumble away about it afterwards.

Refuse to listen - it's liberating.

a hmm - yes well that between you and BIL - or if your not happy there's no point telling me tell BIL. I can do nothing about that - that's something to take up with BIL.

I didn't say you were moaning - just pointing out that the person to talk to is BIL not me as I can do nothing.

Yes I guess your annoyed but you could and still can say no to BIL - perhaps you should ring him.

Buy your DH the toxic parent book.

Original poster
TwiningsBrewTime · 05/05/2015 11:49

Thanks everyone. I will definitely try the refuse to listen tactic - both MIL and FIL repeat themselves over and over until they get the reaction they want.
FIL gets louder whereas MIL will just speak at the same time as you and drown you out.

They bitch about SIL and her entire family (as obviously, anything BIL does that is appalling is her doing - she obviously has her claws into him and he is just innocently bumbling along, accidentally screwing people over)
I don't think they'd know what to do with themselves if I said, 'yes well, that's not very nice but, anyway - has anyone seen the new Hobbit film?'

DP and I have agreed that our strategy will be to say we/I don't want to talk about it, then, if they persist, we will change the subject, if they still persist we will either outright ignore them or walk away.

We will also only visit for a specific purpose with a clear end time and DB will try to be more assertive when they're taking the pi**.

I've made it clear to DB that my issue is with him playing along with the insanity - I can ignore them until the cows come home as long as DB and I are united in drawing the line when it becomes a joke. And that means speaking up and possibly (god help us) saying no to St.BIL Grin

OP posts:
RabbitsarenotHares · 05/05/2015 12:04

Out of interest, are they scared of St Bil?

I only ask because people (esp my mother) tends to jump as soon as my sister opens her mouth. Not because she thinks my sister has any more right to obeyance than anyone else (ie me, because I'm the one usually negatively effected) but because my mum is incredibly scared of my sister's reaction if my mother doesn't behave as my sister expects her to.

Could there be any of that behind it?

Lymmmummy · 05/05/2015 12:20

Gosh sounds dreadful ! I think DP needs to stand up for himself more and perhaps reduce putting himself in these types of situations unfortunately I think DB will not change so DP and yourself need to have strategies to deal with it

I had similiar with MIL favouring one of DH siblings who like in your experience was very tight fisted despite being very well off and generally enormously self important - there was an expectation we would go to all of the effort etc and that they "far too busy" to consider spending any of their time or money and that everything they did was far more important/fascinating etc

I think tbh MIL was to blame - she had created a monster in spoiling this child and then tried to force everyone else to pander to this as I think she was quite frightened herself of dealing with any conflict with this adult child - in the end we just stopped pandering so much

CrystalHaze · 05/05/2015 12:21

Totally OT, but Prince is gay?! Shock

So many songs about shagging so many women - I guess he was protesting a little too much.

Sorry, as you were ...

badtime · 05/05/2015 12:27

Off topic, but Prince isn't gay!

Anyway, I agree with the other posters who say you should stay away from your in-laws. If you continue to stand by and watch them behave like this, it will look like you're condoning it.