AIBU - when the whole family revolves around one person...

[TwiningsBrewTime]

Anyone else have this? BIL is and always has been treated like the sun shines out of him and we're reaching breaking point with MIL/FIL.

DP is the most generous, caring person I know. He looks after everyone, loves having friends/family round as it's an excuse for him to go OTT with the food and drink (we are not wealthy) and he loves making sure everyone has a good time. He'll drop everything to help anyone out.

HOWEVER, it's a long-standing joke that BIL is extremely money-focussed and would sell his granny for a quid, despite both he and SIL having very well paid jobs.

But it's not funny - he's really rude and completely inconsiderate, especially towards his parents, as they massively compensate for his unpleasant personality by pretending his behaviour is normal (and bitching to high heaven about it to us later)

He has screwed us over many times to save himself some money.

We went out for a quick lunch with BIL and SIL once - we suggested about 10 places, varying in cost but none over the top (as we're not wealthy) and he declared them all to be too expensive (they were Pret, Subway etc... as there was limited choice)

He then chose a restaurant which was more expensive than all of the places we suggested... because he had a loyalty card.

DP and I ordered, BIL followed DP to the till, produced his loyalty card to collect stamps for the meals for me and DP, that DP paid for, and then had enough stamps to get a meal for SIL and himself completely free.

DP has been so conditioned by his parents over the years to think BIL walks on water that he didn't comment - there are a hundred examples like this.

If someone in my family tried that with anyone, let alone their own sibling, not only would everyone be mortified that they could be so crass and penny-pinching, but the offender would be swiftly brought into line

The most recent thing is that DP was told - yes, TOLD, by BIL that he was driving SIL & BIL to the airport - on his way home - despite it being at least an hour in the opposite direction of our home and he had been helping them clean up and lug boxes about for 48 hours, without a word of thanks...

I objected (as FIL and MIL were pretending that BIL barking orders at DP was OK) and my FIL shouted in my face over and over again that it was a 'misunderstanding' and BIL 'was confused' and had done 'nothing wrong'...

AIBU to object? It's worth noting - I hold my tongue all the time to keep the peace and have only every pointed the unfairness out (calmly and rationally) when it's been beyond a joke.

Hi Rabbits - BIL makes it very, very clear to everyone (all the time) that he (thinks he) is intellectually superior to his parents, particularly FIL.

He speaks down to them all the time - has massive rows with FIL because FIL occasionally feels that BIL is trying to be 'man of the house'

MIL always intervenes when these rows occur, to back up BIL, shout at FIL for disagreeing with St.BIL and as a result, BIL always gets his own way, however ridiculous/unreasonable it may be.

FIL (and to a lesser extent, MIL) knows that BIL is an a-hole and that he uses people and cares only about himself. Which only makes it more rage-inducing when FIL/MIL will defend him to the bitter end if I/DP criticise or refuse to do his bidding.

I think they know that BIL doesn't give a cr*p about them and they must keep him sweet in order to have any relationship with him - whereas good old reliable DP loves them and wants them to be part of our lives

DP is seeing the light though: when he got his last job, MIL said 'so do you think you might be earning near what BIL earns now?' as though BIL is an astronaut and not a junior in his office - DP outstripped him years ago. MIL will never, ever accept that she's been backing the wrong horse...

Badtime - according to FIL, any man on TV who wears make-up or tight trousers is gay.

If a couple they know has never had children, he will say 'there's nothing wrong with him - he's not like that' swings hand from the wrist

Even if the man in question is the most outlandishly camp, awesome man, is best friends with his wife and they got married in an era when homosexuality was illegal...

You need to read the books "toxic parents" and "toxic inlaws" then realise your DH will always be wrong and BIL always right.
You cannot fix this family- they are totally dysfunctional
My mother gritted her teeth and put up with this sort of shit for years for my dad's sake.
I can honestly say it totally crapped up my childhood being around my toxic grandmother.
You need to go no contact, protect your kids from these people and help your DH go non contact.

As a child watching your parents be belittled and humiliated and one person be master and all the other family members slaves is terrible.
Really really nasty.
You need to protect your kids from these people.

Also, it drove a wedge between my parents that never really healed.