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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to see this friend?

40 replies

Articgoose · 04/05/2015 15:41

My friend and I have been friends for years, dating back to school days. I always liked her very much but we did lose touch when we went away to university. However, we got back in touch when she moved fairly close to me. I had a baby 3 years ago and I did see quite a lot of her then, and then she got pregnant.

I tried to reciprocate her kindness when she had her baby and gave her a gift but every time I tried to make arrangements to see her she cancelled, or couldn't get there, or she was tired but perhaps next week. In the end I have to admit, I got fed up of trying. It was really frustrating as on a number of occasions we'd arranged to do something dependent on numbers, such as going to a museum that gave a discount if over a certain number of people or booking a group of us somewhere needing a deposit. She'd always say sorry and offer to pay, but that wasn't really the point - it was more that booking anything was tricky.

I am now pregnant with my second child (due in August) and she has been in touch. She has split from her partner and I feel used in a strange way. Or am I being harsh in just not bothering getting in touch? Part of me feels it's an old friendship I should 'honour' but another part of me thinks that I just don't have time for someone unreliable!

How much patience should you have with friends like this? I should add that she's a genuinely lovely person, just very unreliable with regards to actually setting down a date, and I haven't seen her properly for months.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/05/2015 15:49

Did you not just pop around to her house to see her? Rather than make arrangements for days out?

Original poster

Articgoose · 04/05/2015 15:54

No, worra :) generally if I am going to go and see somebody I make some sort of arrangement first. This is true of the majority of people I know.

OP posts:

anyoldnameforathread · 04/05/2015 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WonderingWillow · 04/05/2015 15:58

I cannot stand flakiness. It is the height of rudeness and suggests her time is more valuable than yours. I would back off the friendship until she commits to making an arrangement.

Original poster

Articgoose · 04/05/2015 15:58

Thank you. It did occur to me it could be PND or similar.

Bizarrely, I'm a touch irritated by the breezy way she's got in touch - as if twelve months of silence don't matter!

OP posts:

Justusemyname · 04/05/2015 16:00

Two choices here - accept there were genuine reasons she kept pulling out and now she needs a friend, maybe the partner was controlling, and you miss her. Or give up totally on the friendship.

Justusemyname · 04/05/2015 16:02

A friend of over 30 years and I can go months without a text and then messages are sent. Sign of a real friendship imo. You sound like you want to moan more about her tbh.

WorraLiberty · 04/05/2015 16:03

No, I meant did you not just arrange to meet at her house, to make it a bit easier on her?

Original poster

Articgoose · 04/05/2015 16:04

The point was she had ignored any attempt I made to get in touch and then twelve months later suddenly sent a message asking how I was, did I want to meet up and she had split from her partner.

I did feel used.

OP posts:

Original poster

Articgoose · 04/05/2015 16:04

She gave me no indication that things were difficult worra.

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WorraLiberty · 04/05/2015 16:07

every time I tried to make arrangements to see her she cancelled, or couldn't get there, or she was tired but perhaps next week.

That ^^ didn't indicate that it might have been easier for you to visit her at home?

Original poster

Articgoose · 04/05/2015 16:09

Worra, it's difficult to explain, I suppose, if you are used to visiting people at their homes, but we don't, never have.

For what it's worth, I did suggest if she'd like me to come around (I meant above I had never popped in randomly) but I got a no due to her partner being in.

Incidentally - she lives 'near' me - but it's still a 30 minute drive :)

OP posts:

SilverBirch2015 · 04/05/2015 16:09

I'm not sure it was your intention, but you make it sound like you were inviting her on trips to ensure you had the right number of people to make up the numbers in order to get discounts or whatever.

I would arrange to meet her just to see whether your friendship is still worthwhile. There could be any number of reasons why she became unreliable. Maybe PND or very controlling partner, or just feeling a bit rubbish, particularly if her relationship was going down the pan.

KoalaDownUnder · 04/05/2015 16:09

How old is her baby now?

TBH, if she's been through the birth of her first baby plus a relationship breakdown within the past few months, I'd say that's why she's disappeared? Sounds extremely stressful.

Original poster

Articgoose · 04/05/2015 16:10

No, not at all silver :) Just that when someone has stated they will be there, and then they are not, it can make matters difficult and then off putting if you want to do something again that relies on numbers.

Thank you. I'll reply to her messages. It's possible that she was depressed or it was to do with her partner.

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Jessica2point0 · 04/05/2015 16:13

I thought it was quite normal in long-term friendships to go for a while without seeing each other. Barely even a text from my best friend the year after she got married - I figured she was busy with stuff and then we were back in regular contact. I really like it because there's no pressure to meet up, but we're always there for each other and when we meet up (even if it's been literally months since the last text) we still get on really well. If it's really annoyed you then you can always just give up on the friendship.

It's worth remembering, tho, that telling people you're struggling is really, really hard. Especially if it's PND or a controlling partner.

ProfYaffle · 04/05/2015 16:13

Hmm, it's interesting to me to see your view on visiting people in their homes. We had some friends who would always try to arrange to see us for 'trips' rather than visits to the house. tbh it very quickly got too expensive and we found it difficult to maintain a friendship based on long drives and entrances fees at every visit. We invited them to our house but they always refused. We've backed away from the friendship now as it gets embarrassing making excuses and we were reluctant to bluntly say 'we can't afford it'.

I wonder if your friend had similar issues?

Jessica2point0 · 04/05/2015 16:16

arctic, if I friend told me I couldn't go round purely because their partner was in I'd be pretty worried about them.

Original poster

Articgoose · 04/05/2015 16:19

Jessica on that information alone I would understand, but the information was given to me in the context of 'having a quiet day with DP'

Of course, you could be right - but I don't know.

In fairness, I had at the time a 1 year old and a part time job. I'm afraid with the best will in the world I didn't have time, or petrol for that matter, to keep driving to hers. I'm a little alarmed that some seem to think it's my fault the friendship petered out. I assure you I really tried hard but there does come a point where you can feel as if you're harassing a person - when they haven't replied to three texts, do you call and ask if they are all right, or assume they are busy?

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Clobbered · 04/05/2015 16:24

I can understand you backing off from the friendship when she kept pulling out from arrangements, but now that her circumstances have changed, things might be very different. If she carries on being flaky, then you know it's her and not the partner etc and you can ditch the friendship, but I think you owe her at least one more chance to see if things are better now.

BlueBananas · 04/05/2015 16:25

Tbh I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who every time I saw them it had to be some kind of 'event' especially with a small baby in tow
Whatever happened to popping in for a brew or going out for lunch or for a look round the shops together?
Sounds like being friends with you requires a lot of effort and hard work, no wonder she backed off

KoalaDownUnder · 04/05/2015 16:26

I don't think it's your fault; I totally see where you're coming from.

Just saying, I'd give it another chance, if I were you. It sounds as if she might have had some really valid reasons for dropping off the radar.

Jessica2point0 · 04/05/2015 16:28

I wouldn't keep texting, I'd just leave it open for her to get back in touch. I defo didn't mean to suggest it's your fault, just that there might be reasons she was quiet for so long. You could always meet up with her, see if there is any reason (tbf struggling with a troubled relationship and a newborn might be a reason in itself). If there's no reason and she seems fine you could explain that you felt hurt. You've said yourself you like her and it'd be a shame to let the friendship fall. Equally, some people are users and it's best to get rid of that sort of 'friend'. Only you really know which she is.

YouPooPooBumBum · 04/05/2015 16:30

Was her (now ex) partner stopping her from keeping in touch with you or all of her friends?

Original poster

Articgoose · 04/05/2015 16:30

Thank you, koala

Polite messages asking if she'd like to meet for coffee, join in on a picnic or have lunch make me "hard work"? Wow.

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