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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to see this friend?

40 replies

Articgoose · 04/05/2015 15:41

My friend and I have been friends for years, dating back to school days. I always liked her very much but we did lose touch when we went away to university. However, we got back in touch when she moved fairly close to me. I had a baby 3 years ago and I did see quite a lot of her then, and then she got pregnant.

I tried to reciprocate her kindness when she had her baby and gave her a gift but every time I tried to make arrangements to see her she cancelled, or couldn't get there, or she was tired but perhaps next week. In the end I have to admit, I got fed up of trying. It was really frustrating as on a number of occasions we'd arranged to do something dependent on numbers, such as going to a museum that gave a discount if over a certain number of people or booking a group of us somewhere needing a deposit. She'd always say sorry and offer to pay, but that wasn't really the point - it was more that booking anything was tricky.

I am now pregnant with my second child (due in August) and she has been in touch. She has split from her partner and I feel used in a strange way. Or am I being harsh in just not bothering getting in touch? Part of me feels it's an old friendship I should 'honour' but another part of me thinks that I just don't have time for someone unreliable!

How much patience should you have with friends like this? I should add that she's a genuinely lovely person, just very unreliable with regards to actually setting down a date, and I haven't seen her properly for months.

OP posts:

caitlinohara · 04/05/2015 16:34

I would give her another chance. IME maintaining even old, well-established friendships when you're both in the baby stages can be tricky, and I would expect to cut and be cut some slack. Twelve months really does seem to fly by when you're right in it, and it doesn't matter how often you see someone as to whether they are a friend or not. I have friends who are notoriously flaky about meet-ups and probably always will be, but I know if I really needed them they would be there for me.

AliceLidl · 04/05/2015 16:36

Is it possible her ex was stopping her from coming along, and discouraged visits or visiting?

Original poster

Articgoose · 04/05/2015 16:44

It's possible. I don't know. I have replied, anyway :) hopefully she won't find me "hard work"!

OP posts:

Jackieharris · 04/05/2015 16:50

She's split up from her DP- she's obviously been having a hard time for quite a while. She possibly had pnd. Lots of new mums lose contact with friends when they are battling to get through the days with young DCs. I know I hardly saw my friends then!

It also seems odd you only ever wanted to do day trips. That can be just too much if you are finding just getting by hard.

Have some empathy, OP!

rookiemere · 04/05/2015 17:20

I'd meet up with her.

You'd be perfectly fine to say that you were surprised when she stopped contacting you and see what she says for herself.

It sounds like she may have been overwhelmed, presumably these outings had a number of people at them that she may or may not know, not being from the area. if she was finding things hard, well I can see why she pulled out, and still paying her share meant that she was behaving decently.

Give her a chance OP, but I'd keep it very low key for a long time.

eddielizzard · 04/05/2015 17:28

i'd give her a chance. clearly it's been tough for her and perhaps her ex was really awful and she felt she couldn't tell anyone. hence the flakiness. you just don't know. and now she's out of it she's feeling stronger and wants to get on with her life.

i understand you feeling a bit used, but we're not all perfect all the time. sometimes we just don't have it in us to be able to see beyond ourselves.

see her again, and she may be much more reliable. if she continues to be flaky, well, you have your answer.

JanineStHubbins · 04/05/2015 17:32

How exactly did you feel 'used', OP?

It seems she was good to you when you were pregnant, so I'm not clear how she has been 'using' you.

Original poster

Articgoose · 04/05/2015 17:43

Janine because as soon as I went back to work she was silent, didn't turn up when I tried to meet with her and cancelled on the rare occasion we did make plans.

Then she sent me a message saying she was no longer with her partner and did I want to meet up. It felt a little bit as if I am acceptable company now she isn't with her partner.

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 04/05/2015 17:47

I suspect you're reading it wrong. She's had a baby fairly recently and now split with her partner - come on, the last 12 months of her life must have been pretty tough.

When I'm upset/dealing with stuff I retreat into myself as do lots of people. Perhaps she is now only able to deal with people.

JanineStHubbins · 04/05/2015 17:47

It felt a little bit as if I am acceptable company now she isn't with her partner.

Well presumably you were also acceptable company when she visited you after having your baby? Still don't understand how her visiting you when you were pregnant/had a baby equates to her using you.

It sounds like she's had a hard time, struggling with a difficult relationship on top of a newborn. It can be hard to put on a brave bright face to people if your private life is going to shit and all you want to do is crawl away to a cave and hide. Have a bit of empathy, as a PP said.

applesareredandgreen · 04/05/2015 18:06

Your friend has just split with her partner and has a young child. I would imagine she needs friends at this time in her life.

Please give her the benefit of the doubt and arrange to get together - even if its just for a cup of tea.

SandysMam · 04/05/2015 19:49

I think people expect too much from friends. Lower your expectations and you'll always be pleasantly suprised! You sound pretty needy to be honest.

duplodon · 04/05/2015 20:03

Is there a reason you really don't want to see the perspective that maybe she just couldn't be a friend this year, as this was clearly a pretty tough year in her life? It does sound like you are really struggling with empathising, is this normally a challenge for you? (Not asking snippily, just wondered if you have difficulties with seeing life from other people's points of view regularly?).

I really can't see for the life of me how she was using you. It sounds like - and I mean this with no unkindness - there was a period of her life where there were other priorities. God, a relationship breakdown with a baby is just hell. The first year is hard enough without that. I don't even know her and I'd be cutting her MILES of slack for those two facts alone!

Welshwabbit · 04/05/2015 20:18

I would see her. It sounds as though she's had a difficult year. It is hard to judge the tone of texts - her recent communication may look breezy to you but she may be trying to put a brave face on things. Old friends with a shared history are hard to replace and all friendships have their ups and downs. Give her another chance.

GoshNotAnotherOne · 04/05/2015 20:29

Sounds like pnd to me too.

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