Aibu to leave dealings with ils to DH

[DanTheNeilDiamond]

ILs and I have never had a falling out but they get on my wick.

They're very negative & nasty about everyone in the family except DH, DS1 & DS2.

The first few years I was with DH I sent emails with pics once a week, sent the birthday, Mother's Day, Fathers Day cards etc, encouraged (nagged) DH to call them & keep in touch.

Some things happened so I stopped. They started complaining that I was in more contact with my family (who live in a different country). Started asking how often I speak to my parents and sister, DH should be speaking to them at least as much.

I FaceTime with my parents and sis a lot, prob every second day, not set times, randomly, DH often not even part of it, so they get to speak to my son's a lot and see what they're up to at different times of the day. ILs saw this and wanted to skype with us at a set time every Weds and Sun, all of us present.

The weekend they demanded that I heard them making fun of my dad ?? that they didn't want to sit in the car with him when he visited because of his weight.

So I thought, feck them.

Told them they wouldn't have to worry about sitting with Dad and from now on all contact would be with DH not me.

To be fair, these are their good points:
They've both apologised a few times over what they said about Dad, acknowledged how hurtful they'd been. They're always lovely to my parents when they come.(albeit fake)
They love DC and are loved back, are respectful of any rules we have regarding them.
They're very generous.

The way things now are that DH is in charge of emails, cards, calls to them. I'll respond to emails or calls civilly but don't make them first.

When they come to stay, they live a few hours away, I've asked DH to be here or with them all the time. They used to come Mon - Fri and stay in the house with DC and I while DH worked, now DH encourages them to come at the weekend and I ask him to take time off work to be here with them if they come during the week.

DH will put off calling them, often forget birthdays etc, he's told them to come weekends but they continue to come during the week so it affects his work (not that much he works for himself)

He's getting sick of it and has said I'm being petty. What do you think?

In the first line I meant to write 'ILs and I have never had a huge falling out'

Which bit is your DH husband sick of? The facts that you want him to be responsible for contacting and entertaining his parents? Does he think these are your jobs?

No I don't think you're BU. It sounds as if your DP is being a bit of a pain tbh. No matter how annoying you find your parents (within reason) you have to stay in touch. Ask him how he'd feel if your DSs didn't want to contact him in future. The ILs do sound pretty hard work but why on earth should you have to deal with them? What you have described (with DP sending emails etc to his parents - tbh he should be doing that anyway, never mind the issues you have had with them) sounds like the perfect arrangement to me.

Yanbu. Why is it your job?

Thanks, that's what I thought really just needed outside reinforcement.

To be fair, they weren't at all close when we met but after we had ds1 they really wanted more contact and I felt sorry for them, hence the emails etc, instead of appreciating it they expected more.

DH is very good to my parents when they visit, takes time off, will bring my dad out for a drink, buys my mom flowers, stuff like that so I feel guilty. But, in saying that, my parents are lovely and have always treated DH well too.

Ohh the family wifework thing.

Nope. My family - my job. His family - his job. Cards, presents, visits, phone calls, staying in touch generally.

Of course, it's nice to also get involved and say hi and see them/talk to your partner's family, and vice versa. But it's each of you with your own actual responsibility towards your own.

YANBU, but be prepared for the fall out if you do go down this route.

If your husband is anything like mine he probably won't bother to contact them enough. They will probably blame you for it!

Recently because of one thing and another I haven't been nagging DH into contacting or visiting my in-laws. Our contact has dropped dramatically.

I have no idea why because my in-laws are really lovely, unlike yours OP. DH really has no reason not to contact them and it certainly isn't unwillingness on my part.

I don't even know how we got here!

YANBU, I leave all things IL to DP, he's in charge of remembering special dates & gift buying for them.

If I'm out & see something I think they'll like I'll buy it and add to any gifts DP buys (he's famous for shopping at the pound shop for 'joke' gifts, yes really!), if it's been ages I will remind him to call them. But don't go on about it, it's his relationship.

He has no expectations that I'll maintain his relationship with his family for him.

You are in the right!

I wish I had set these boundries up from the start! I was the too keen DIL who took the DC to my inlaws and stayed overnight without my husband... As the years went on things became unpleasant. So now I make it my husband's responsibility.... the result being that they've met our youngest (18months) only once!

I really believe that if I'd been stronger about these things from the start we would all have a better relationship. The only person who is actually hurt by the situation is my husband.

So you can tell him you're doing him a favour by letting him take responsibility for his own family ;-)

I regularly get asked "Did we send a card to X?" No, WE didn't. I now no longer contact or organise things for his family. He sure as buggery doesn't organise things for mine, but I get the same as you, asking why I've not done it. I've got no doubt his family blame me but I no longer care. I don't go out of my way to avoid them though his mother would deserve it if I did and if I see something one of them would like I pick it up, I even hunted down special chocolate my MIL likes. But I am not his bloody PA.

When my PILs were alive, I left the bulk of the contact with DP. I managed my own family and still do, DP never had to do anything there.

I put my foot down about wifework from the early days, it's not as if I could magic up some extra time to take it all on.

There's no reason a bloke can't organise himself to sort things out like contact, presents, cards, etc. A bloke failing to organise himself at work in this way wouldn't be holding on to that job for very long, so I've never bought the idea that they can't do it. It's just that they can't be bothered as they don't see it as their responsibility.

I never contact my in laws or buy gifts, remember birthdays or send cards. That's my husband's job. He takes care of his side, I do mine. It's the best way, I think, especially when both families have different expectations. For example, my family is smaller, we do more lavish gifts. He has a large family, they do tokens. It's just a matter of preference, really, and to be honest, we're both happy that we each understand and cater to our own avoiding missteps or crossed lines.

It's much better that your husband deals with his own family, OP. It's not up to you and I'm sure he's not ringing your mam for a chat regularly, so why should you do that for his family?

My husband arranges all presents for my family - cousins, parents, siblings. He remembers all birthdays and makes sure they get cards for Christmas and he regularly keeps them up to date with the kids' milestones and achievements.

...said no wife ever.

Thanks all, pretty unanimous that ianbu.

Another thing that annoys me is they expect us all to do everything together when they're here. If I don't want to do something or go somewhere, nobody goes. It used to make me feel guilty so I always went, now I say I'd rather not this time and they sulk.

It feels like I'm a buffer between ils and DH, v little conversation if I'm not the one making it.

YANBU, if your DH doesn't contact his family enough for their liking that's his lookout. It smacks of sexism that he expects you to be in charge of this stuff for him.

"They started complaining that I was in more contact with my family (who live in a different country). Started asking how often I speak to my parents and sister, DH should be speaking to them at least as much. "

I'm afraid I got completely lost at that!
Eh???

And your husband thinks that you're the petty one??!!

How do they continue to come in the week when they have been told weekends?

So is he sick of taking time out from work in the week to entertain them?

Easily solved.

They come when they are told.

They are adults & don't need entertaining!

Sorry that is confusing I see.

They want an equal amount of contact as I have with my family.

So, in their minds, if I speak to my family 3 times a week, we should be speaking to the ils 3 times a week - it's 'only fair' apparently.

So they are pissed off that you contact your family more?

And are perhaps giving your husband grief which he has now turned on you?

If they weren't close before (& I can see why!!), then kids doesn't magically make things different!

Your husband either needs to phone more or tell them that if the contact isn't enough, they can bloody well pick up the phone!

So it's his parents that are being petty, isn't it? And no, YANBU in the least.

I don't do cards/presents etc for my ILs. Haven't done for years. I do anticipate having an issue soon because I'll be moving to the same country they live in while DH will be here for a while longer. I still won't be taking over his relationship with his family.

Oh hang on, would they be happy if the extra contact came from you?

In which case, they aren't bothered about their son per se, just want things to be "fair"??

That would be strange!

I think this is quite common - I used to make a huge effort for the ILs, DH did very little. Then over the years, they were so rude to me that I just stopped making the effort and agreed with DH it was his job. For the past 8 years or so we have each taken responsibility for our own families.
The result? We never see the ILs because DH never bothers to make any effort and neither do they. And, of course, the ILs blame me for the lack of contact. DH doesn't blame me.
You need a thick skin to go down this route, but it is a much better solution than taking on all the responsibility.

Sounds exactly like my mil mad as a box of frogs who does make it into a contest and we end up feeling we have to make it fair as she was 3 not 63! Unfortunately I have always been closer to my parents than dh, so naturally I speak to my mum more. I tried encouraging him but they are of the give an inch and they take a mile persuasion and we ended up having a massive row that it wasn't fair, and I leave him to it more now. I don't understand people that want stilted obligation based calls, which is what they get if they demand equality without the relationship being there to back it up!

I agree with everyone else. This is your DH's responsibility. They sound like hard work, and the Skype thing is bonkers!