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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

unfair inlaws

28 replies

DieselSpillages · 04/05/2015 10:42

Dh and I have worked hard to own a house. We had Dc young and neither received or asked for financial support from our families.

My sister in law travelled a lot and lived a free life and didn't settle down until recently. We have found out that the inlaws helped her buy a flat with a 200,000 pound interest free, no contract, open ended loan as they wanted her to have some security. Since then DSL has got married to someone who also had a property where they both now live. Both properties have massively increased in value over the last 2 years. They rent out the property DSL bought and are now buying a third property to rent out.

MY DH says he'd rather make his own way and doesn't want to ask for handouts. I feel it's unfair that his sister can have the luxury of all that extra income and investment security whilst we struggle to pay our way.

Dsl is lovely and we did bring it up casually last time we saw her and she was surprised as it hadn't really occured to her. She said her parents wanted to help her out as at the time she was single and didn't have a partner to share the financial burden of buying a house as we had done ! Clearly her situation has changed.

Unlitmately it's their cash to do what they want with but this sort of unfairness can cause discord in families long term. It's ironic because PIL have had a big falling out in their own family over unfair inheritance.

Not sure what I'm asking really. Dh is ok with it and they're not my parents so it's clearly not my place really to judge or be jealous or fantasise about what I could do with a 200.000 interest free loan !

AIBU unreasonable to find this unfair?

OP posts:

hesterton · 04/05/2015 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Izzy24 · 04/05/2015 10:45

Not unreasonable to find it unfair .

But misguided to dwell on it and make an issue of it.

Let it go .......

NynaevesSister · 04/05/2015 10:45

It would bother me because I would feel they were playing favourites with one sibling. So even if it didn't bother my husband it would still bother me on his behalf if that makes sense.

YANBU to be upset about someone being unfair to your husband x

Heels99 · 04/05/2015 10:46

It's a loan. Would you want a similar loan? It's an awful lot to pay back!

WorraLiberty · 04/05/2015 10:48

Dh is ok with it and they're not my parents so it's clearly not my place really to judge or be jealous or fantasise about what I could do with a 200.000 interest free loan!

You're right, it's not your place.

You didn't ask for financial help and you didn't get any. You're SIL probably did ask and therefore she got.

YANBU to secretly think it's unfair, but you should leave it as that.

How did you find out btw?

shewept · 04/05/2015 11:09

I would say, since yor dh haven't asked then yabu.

The pils aren't obliged to offer you something, because they gave sil something. You may find they have adjusted their will, to take this in account and, since you haven't discussed it with them. They may think that that's what your dh would prefer.

wigglesrock · 04/05/2015 11:19

You brought it up with your sil? God I think you've already overstepped a line.

WhyHaveYouDruggedTheirOnions · 04/05/2015 11:23

What izzy said. I find it really unfair, but there are no laws to dictate how (living) people share their wealth. Also think you should not have brought it up with SIL if you want to avoid discord. That sounds like a bonkers move to me!

Original poster

DieselSpillages · 04/05/2015 11:26

we only brought it up because Her and her Dh were asking our advice because something similar had happened with her DH's mother giving half her house to one of his DB and them thinking that was unfair. It seemed like a good moment to mention it . It's best that these things are out in the open so they don't fester and yes I know they aren't obliged to give us anything. I just feel hurt on Dh's behalf even though he says it's ok IYSWIM.

OP posts:

wigglesrock · 04/05/2015 11:27

But it's a loan? Have you asked your pils for a loan?

wowfudge · 04/05/2015 11:29

Just leave it. You all get on so why rock the boat? It will achieve nothing.

LittleMiss77 · 04/05/2015 11:29

You need to let it go, although i know how you feel...

DSIL gets everything she asks for and more from her parents. DP gets nothing - usually being told that as we dont have kids (yet) we have more money than DSIL. How his parents know what we have/dont have is beyond me and their assumptions make me

DP will do anything for an easy life and just gets on with it, but i really feel for him.

Theycallmemellowjello · 04/05/2015 11:29

I don't see why you would bring it up with sil - your financial relationship with your pils has nothing to do with her. And since your dh has said he won't ask for a loan then what difference does it make who else your pils are lending money to?

Tutt · 04/05/2015 11:35

You have to let it go OP, it isn't fair and your NBU and it hurts.
My DB was given the money for a deposit for his home 50k, money for new windows and to update etc, gave him 5k for his wedding and paid for their honeymoon, a lovely safari and 5 hotel, upgraded flights etc... My DB loves to tell me all that they do for him! They still cook for him and his wife 3 times a week, do their shopping and clean their house sigh*
I on the other hand had to struggle as a single parent for 12 years, working huge amounts of hours and they have never as much as given me a penny or a meal, didn't give me a penny for my wedding and certainly nothing for my honeymoon ( which we had a year later).
For my DS 18th their only grandchild they gave him £20.
But I have to let it go as the only person it is really hurting is me!

TheForger · 04/05/2015 11:35

It may be a loan but SIL used it to purchase a flat which has risen in value. If they sell it they can pay the loan back and keep the increase in value as cash or to invest. It is a massive leg up and would find it unfair. I can see helping out a child to be secure but why not help the other too?

Find it kind of funny that they are finding themselves in a similar situation from the other side and thinking it was unfair.

WorraLiberty · 04/05/2015 11:38

Bringing it up was bad form.

Her private finances are nothing to do with you.

Your DH is ok with it so I don't know why you appear to be seething that you didn't get some of someone else's money.

How did you and your DH find out about the loan?

Esko · 04/05/2015 11:49

I think you need to drop it. My DH has an elder brother who was gifted the big house and land and 3 other siblings will get pretty much nothing. It fucking annoys me that his kids have that and mine have nothing but I hide my annoyance as they think it's perfectly reasonable. It is up to your PIL in the end. Maybe ask them for help if you are struggling.

smellsofelderberries · 04/05/2015 11:54

I completely understand where you are coming from as a similar thing happened with my DH's family. The only reason it bothers me is that it made my DH feel like his sibling was/is the favourite and that was hard for him when we found out. These days we don't think/talk about it, it's just one of those things that happened. Is this recent news for you?

I have to admit, in some ways it has been a good thing for us as we feel much more independent for not being beholden to DH's DPs. YANBU to secretly think what they have done is unfair. But your position in this is to support your DH's position, as it is his family and to a large extent, not your business.

19lottie82 · 04/05/2015 12:02

wow. this is really NONE of your business. if it were your own parents, then maybe you'd be right to feel a bit miffed, but your parents in law? again, none of your business and you had no right to raise it with your SIL. if I was in her situation I'd think you were a right cheeky cow.

Andrewofgg · 04/05/2015 12:10

I hope they have skewed their wills to make it up but be aware that if they spend long twilight years in residential care - and many of us will - that will be irrelevant. It will all be spent.

But you should not have mentioned it to DSL and should never mention it again.

Original poster

DieselSpillages · 04/05/2015 12:25

It was Dh who mentioned it to his sister , not me ! It was appropriate given that they were asking our advice concerning a similar situation between DBL and his siblings.

DH asked her in a very unconfrontational manner. He gets on really well with her and she was not in the least offended to explain the situation to him. She was more surprised because it hadn't occured to her that it might be seen as unequal.

I kept quiet throughout the conversation and am only asking AIBU on here precisely because it's not my place to talk about it with the family. It really didn't especially bother me until I heard that they were buying a third house !

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/05/2015 12:39

Ok but you've said at least twice that 'we' brought it up.

I still think it's not your business what someone else's parents choose to do with their money.

Especially as you and your DH didn't ask them for any.

shewept · 04/05/2015 15:02

I don't think he should have brought it up to be honest unless its was in a 'well we don't mind that mum and dad lent you money' since she was asking about a similar situation.

The problem is that you feel you want them to lend you money, dh doesn't. His parents don't have to offer to lend you money because they lent her it. If your pils bought you something costing £10 would you expect them to also buy something for the same amount for £10 for sil?

The simple fact is that dh doesn't want or feel you need to borrow money off pils, so if you have an issue with anyone. Its him.

I don't think you should have an issue with him, but he hasn't asked for any money. You can't blame the pils for being unfair

Andylion · 04/05/2015 16:01

Find it kind of funny that they are finding themselves in a similar situation from the other side and thinking it was unfair.

I agree. This would tick me off.

CPtart · 04/05/2015 17:01

YANBU. Of course it's unfair. SIL got given 10k towards her first house, DH got nothing. SIL got all her wedding paid for, DH got nothing. SIL spent several months touring New Zealand whilst DH re-sat his accounting exams twice and so, is earning quite nicely now. According to MIL, DH "always lands on his feet!"

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