To put DD into a special school- why are some people so against this?

[Whatdoido65]

I had to name change as a particular family member (who this post is about) regularly posts on this forum.

I have currently just put in an appeal to SENDIST to ask my LA to fund DD's placement at an independent special school.

Last night, my family members came to my house for a casual family dinner. Since I'm currently obsessed with specialist schools, appeals, SEN kids and their rights and so on. I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to bring up how I am getting on through this whole SENDIST appeal process, plus my family members have seem very uninterested about the whole SEN process that I'm going through.

So as I bring up the subject, my brother then asks what the appeal is about (even though I have told him countless of times, I am excited he is at least interested in what I have to say) I feed him in etc and he becomes outraged that I'm considering putting DD into a special school. He told me that I'm doing DD a "disservice" of putting her into special school, he also goes on that "I have given up on DD and if any of his children ever went into a special school he will be damned". He reckons and with my family's backing! that DD should stay at her mainstream school and learn to cope with the demands. He then starts to say that "DD only has a speech issue and this will correct itself with time". Well DD has a significant speech and language disorder with significant verbal dyspraxia of speech and because of her significant motor issues she has troubles eating. She has no behaviour issues and is average cognitively. But she is 5 and can only say 4 clear words!

I tried to argue with my brother, but he wasn't having any of it. He just kept telling me that I am making the worst mistake of my life and the reason the LA is refusing to pay for DD's funding at the special school is because they know DD has the potential to do well in mainstream?! He even said to DD "look your mum has low expectations of you and that's why she wants you to go to a special school".

I was furious, I haven't spoken to my brother since yesterday. My family have been very unsupported of my decisions. It was not an easy decision to think DD would be best suited at a special school. I looked at many schools before placing my judgement.

Even though DD has a full time statement at her current mainstream, I don't think mainstream will be able to meet her needs. How am I doing my child a disservice? I want her to get much help as possible, whilst she still quite young, so she is able to live a semi- independent life. Does she have to be 17 and still only speaking single words for my family to understand her significant needs.

I was literally crying all night yesterday, I was even doubting whether I was making the right choice for my DD to attend a special school.

Why are some people (like my family) so against special schools, I am sick of people's ignorance.

Thanks everyone for the replies!

DD was asleep in bed by the time I brought up the discussion. By the time my brother was about to leave, DD woke up to go to the toilet (she regularly gets up) and on the way to the toilet, my brother looked at her sadly and then picked her up and said XYZ.

Yes Lougle DD will be going to the ICAN Meath School!

I know that some special schools cater more towards the Moderate- Severe learning difficulties. Though there are some schools, especially independent ones, that cater only to kids who have average- high cognitive ability, but have severe difficulty in a specific area (in my daughter's case, language). They access the full national curriculum, but it is modified to suit the pupils language needs. These sort of schools for quite academically able children are quite difficult to find. I've been to see nearly 30 special schools and there were only three I felt were suitable for my DD.

I tried to explain this to my brother but his ears refused to listen.

I love DD's mainstream school, but even with a statement, the support is non-existent. She's not even getting any direct speech and language therapy instead a speech therapist comes into the school ( 3 times a term) advises the staff and her TA what to do and that's it!

Someone mentioned that their child gets treated like a pet. DD is going through the same thing with her peers. I love her class and the pupils are loving and understanding, but they do treat her like a baby. A pupil from DD's class took DD's book bag and her coat from her hands and handed it to me(as it was home-time). Whilst I was thankful the peer from her class did this, I was screaming in my head (DD is capable of doing this!). But I guess it's better than DD being bullied.

I have been to see many independent specialists, they all have encouraged me to send DD to a specialist school as her language needs are very severe and she needs specialist support.

Cece I've been to see that school, it's amazing. But they only take kids from the age of 8.

It is sad, DD's dad is not "aware" of DD's significant difficulties. He supports that DD should go to a special school, but he is not that interested in it. My family are not backing me at all and think that DD will magically caught up.

It sounds like you have done a fantastic job on finding the best for your DD. Sad that your family can't see that.

Hope it all goes well for her in the future

Thank you bigTillyMint .

The sad fact is that there is a good chance that the SALT's advice will not be properly implemented if at all. The reason is that the people who are supposed to do not understand it. I know this because I used to assess and give advice for children with speech and language difficulties in mainstream schools. The class teacher does not have the time. I have worked in special schools and units where the staff are specifically trained. This is where your daughter should be. Your DD sounds as if she has a specific expressive language disorder which will not improve in her current setting. You do not want your daughter treated like a pet. She is a perfectly intelligent little girl who finds retrieving words and articulating them very difficult. Good luck.

I would put it to your brother like this. Why have a cortina when your dd can have a Farrari . That school looks fantastic op, go fir it! You know your dd needs, this is where she will really flourish and do well.

derza You're right and sadly this is the case that we are going through at the moment. Thank you, I feel reassured by all these comments that I'm doing whats best for DD.

My DD has been in an independent special school for 6 years and she has absolutely thrived. We had to go to tribunal too to secure her placement, which was extremely stressful and cost a ton in professional fees for assessments and reports - but it was all worth it in the end. You are doing the right thing OP. I didn't have to put up with such ignorant comments as you, but I never really discuss her case much except with a few people who have some insight into SEN/disability - most people simply don't know enough about it to make any useful comment.

I'd guess you have numerous professional reports by now insisting that a special school placement is the right thing for your DD (I had ten separate reports to bring to tribunal!). They will all be experts in their fields and have used objective testing to understand your DD's needs, so their opinions are far better to rely on than some ignorant relative. I have a few friends whose dcs had the same dx as my DD, but who desperately wanted to maintain a sense of normality and so sent them to mainstream schools - and all of them have suffered terribly with bullying, untrained teachers/TAs and no reasonable adjustments made. Most of them wish they'd got special school sorted at an earlier age, as a lot of the dc are completely disengaged with education now and it's harder to get a special school place for an older child.

Hi, our DD has SNand mroe in the severe and complex group but the ability of extended family to put heads in the sand is incredible. For a while I just disenagged with all that and got on with what I needed to do and know about my DD needs and the inputs she needs and what educational environment would be good in meeting her needs. Its upseting enough without arguming with people who dont want to see whats in front of them.

I havent read the thread but you dont need to engage, persuade your brother if he's resistant. You need to find the best option for you child and that can best a special school. It can also be that you spend some time in special school and then find you can transition to mainstream later. easier in that direction than the other apparently. Good luck

willingstanger I was exactly that parent 2 years ago. I wanted DD to stay in mainstream at all costs, also apart of me wanted that sense of normality. I quickly, thank God, changed my mindset and saw the battles many SEN parents have to go through to get the help their child deserves.
The costs are stacking up! I haven't even told my family members how much I'm paying for these assessments alone, well my mum knows but she reckons that they are taking advantage of me and yawn.

Firsttime7259 I have now realised that I have to follow my own judgements to do whats best for my child and to ignore other people's ignorance.

Whatdoido65 This school has a specialist language unit in a mainstream school - have you looked at this one?

Hmm. She isnt really that 'challenged' to me. (Ex teacher). I had a little boy with speech, language difficulties, severe motor control difficulties and aphasia (mild brain damage thru birth trauma). Academically he was only 3years behind the 'average' in my class. But even with extra support the gap was huge. By the 2nd year of primary he was crying & not wanting to come to school as in a large, rowdy, academically very advanced class he was struggling massively. His parents who were adamantly for mainstream when i met them found me 'negative' re. this, but did in fact go the MLD school route asap then.

I think if your DD is happy and coping and has appropriate support leave well alone. Its a jungle out there, if you can keep up with the herd, do so I think. Harsh but true. If you label her now even if she improves she still has that 'label'.

not all speical schools are dead end schools my brother went to one specializing in ASD which was focused on the high achiving end of the spectruim but had the small classes and high number of staff to student ratios (this 1 : 2 or very very close to that) and he did 14 GCSE and 6 A levels (they had sixth form their but also dealt with life skills someone with ASD needed to deal with the wider world)

But stuff you ignorant brother mainstream is NOT for everyone and YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE/BAD PARENT for sending your child to a special school

the all inclusive school drive has been very very damaging to children that would do better outside mainstream as its now considered a failure to send them to a school more ideally suited to their needs (even my sister was having a go at my cusion that sent her profoundly deaf child to speicalest deaf school as the mainstream was crap and saying just like your brother )

I teach an essay based subject at a mainstream secondary and I try to do my best with all my pupils. The problem I face is when they can't read and write due to SN. I think going into reception in a mainstream school and only speaking 4 words creates a similar problem. A special school doesn't have to be forever, if her needs change then she can go mainstream. You know your dd, you need to make the decision!

No. There are different types of specialist school. My daughter is very bright and capable academically, but she has autism, severe sensory processing disorder, and problems with regulating her emotions which make mainstream school impossible for her. It is not all about academic ability and learning difficulties.

My son went to mainstream infant school. He was diagnosed with autism age 3. He did do well there. He stayed for 4 years, repeating year R. He is severely autistic with severe learning disabilities and is non verbal. By the time year 4 came around it was evident it was no longer suitable for him and he moved to a specialist setting after Christmas of year 4 ( had to go straight to year 5 as he repeated year R in mainstream). He did ok there but the real turn around was when he turned 19 and started at a specialist independent residential college. We went through the appeals process, cost us everything we had and more financially and nearly cost us our sanity! If I had know the progress he’d make in 3 years there I would have pushed for that setting way earlier. So ignore your family and keep doing what you’re doing. You know your child and tribunals are nearly always in favour of the parents if they feel it’s necessary. An independent Educational psychology report and SALT report will be your best evidence . Expensive but they carry a lot of weight. I can recommend a SALT snd EP if you need those.

If he raises the subject again, just laugh and tell him the 70's need him back.
We're a long way from those days, but the stigma of 'labelled' remains, and there is an unspoken 'contract' among mainstream school parents, that their choices in how a child should be educated is the only correct one and anyone seeking something different is 'breaking rank.'

They take it poorly. It's peculiar and often to do with their own insecurities around what they've chosen or had to settle for and sometimes a need for others to be under whatever levels their child/ren achieve.

Children with difficulties who aren't kicking off, are expected to drag along trying to overcome their issues themselves through 'inclusion' in unsuitable teaching and being around non disabled children. When they fail, the child's blamed not the unsuitable methods used. It's criminal tbh.

We'd already done the assessment, journey, Gt Ormond st NHS diagnosis journey, EHCP journey, then the rewriting of it to be meaningful, getting funding for a 1 to 1 to differentiate lessons, only to have the school hire someone with no interest in education (told Dc "I wipe bums and noses" when asked for help)

School wanted to focus on what Dc couldn't do, and not allow any progression until those basics were achieved. I knew that might take decades (it has, and many are still absent) if ever, and would leave low education and unbearable frustration. They wrote the line "And you're gaining your inclusion at the cost of my exclusion" and was spot on.

Dc went through hell and a lot of damage before I pulled them out of school where they were headed for ASDAN certs only.
Capable of passing several of them without educational input, so ticking a box for the schools stats. School was adamant that they were enough, and Dc needed to accept they'd always be bullied as 'different' and learn to minimize 'causes', by being around the bullies.

When school became truly dangerous and I pulled them, a PRU placement alongside some of the expelled bullies was suggested. Others were at least shocked at that, but even then suggested we should try it over home educating as 'LEA wouldn't suggest it if it wasn't in Dc's interests.' Hmm...
No school friends, so better they worked alongside those who tormented them, and everyone else kept their Dc's away from, than try anything different.
I should 'be normal' and accept what LEA and school were(n't) doing for them.

I did end up home educating and took the LEA to court for the funding they were now saving to aid it, and became almost everyone's pariah parent!
Everyone knew there 'was no choice' but to put up with what the LEA offered if you couldn't buy a house or fund private yourself. Doing it threw up the idea I was rejecting 'what everyone had to put up with' or their choices, in their heads.

I got accused of many things by people with no concept of the specific teaching and learning my Dc needed.

The judges turned out to be the only ones in agreement (all you need) and Dc went on to recover from the worst of the damage, (not all) make a big long term circle of friends, achieve high exam results, and went to Uni.

Covid changed their original direction and they are now a school senior technical tutor with a sideline in differentiating learning.
But they're a rare beast in MS schools and frequently come across disengaged students who've been basically failed throughout MS education, who clearly needed specialist help they never got, and now have to live with the results.

Do whatever will give your DD their best shot, ultimately others will get over it.

This thread is from 2015! I'm sure the issues have been long resolved now!

@x2boys Thanks that will teach me to read the thread without checking it isn't an old resurrected one! 😂

🤣🤣TBF I nearly answered a pp before the date caught my eye .

DS2's special school was bloody brilliant. He would have struggled mightily in mainstream ( delayed language at 5 and ASC) . Started MLD state school, now has two degrees.

Zombie thread but still a point useful to make.