To put DD into a special school- why are some people so against this?

[Whatdoido65]

I had to name change as a particular family member (who this post is about) regularly posts on this forum.

I have currently just put in an appeal to SENDIST to ask my LA to fund DD's placement at an independent special school.

Last night, my family members came to my house for a casual family dinner. Since I'm currently obsessed with specialist schools, appeals, SEN kids and their rights and so on. I thought this would be a perfect opportunity to bring up how I am getting on through this whole SENDIST appeal process, plus my family members have seem very uninterested about the whole SEN process that I'm going through.

So as I bring up the subject, my brother then asks what the appeal is about (even though I have told him countless of times, I am excited he is at least interested in what I have to say) I feed him in etc and he becomes outraged that I'm considering putting DD into a special school. He told me that I'm doing DD a "disservice" of putting her into special school, he also goes on that "I have given up on DD and if any of his children ever went into a special school he will be damned". He reckons and with my family's backing! that DD should stay at her mainstream school and learn to cope with the demands. He then starts to say that "DD only has a speech issue and this will correct itself with time". Well DD has a significant speech and language disorder with significant verbal dyspraxia of speech and because of her significant motor issues she has troubles eating. She has no behaviour issues and is average cognitively. But she is 5 and can only say 4 clear words!

I tried to argue with my brother, but he wasn't having any of it. He just kept telling me that I am making the worst mistake of my life and the reason the LA is refusing to pay for DD's funding at the special school is because they know DD has the potential to do well in mainstream?! He even said to DD "look your mum has low expectations of you and that's why she wants you to go to a special school".

I was furious, I haven't spoken to my brother since yesterday. My family have been very unsupported of my decisions. It was not an easy decision to think DD would be best suited at a special school. I looked at many schools before placing my judgement.

Even though DD has a full time statement at her current mainstream, I don't think mainstream will be able to meet her needs. How am I doing my child a disservice? I want her to get much help as possible, whilst she still quite young, so she is able to live a semi- independent life. Does she have to be 17 and still only speaking single words for my family to understand her significant needs.

I was literally crying all night yesterday, I was even doubting whether I was making the right choice for my DD to attend a special school.

Why are some people (like my family) so against special schools, I am sick of people's ignorance.

Chilling, Lambsie. (My LA has informed parents that the 'outcomes' that will go in our children's EHC plans will depend on the resources available...)

I am also currently starting the process of getting my DS2 further help. I am hoping for a referral for an EHCP soon and I too am interested in him attending a special school.

I am expecting a massive fight on my hands, including with our family, who often tell me that he will grow out of it.

I am a SENCO, currently going through the process of applying to a speech and language unit for 2 children.

The system here is that children can get a place for 2 years on this unit before returning to their previous school. The results have been amazing! Full curriculum access, SALT available every day, not once a week, addition support trained in language needs. I am fully behind parents who want to get their children in to this setting.

I hope it goes well OP. Does it need to be a permanent placement or a temporary one as we have here?

In your position op I probably wouldn't talk to your brother again. I wouldn't be able to look at him without feeling rage. For a while at least.

I think many people assume special schools are something out of the 1970s. While not all special schools are perfect, there is an increasing range of specialties and services available to suit individual children. If you think your child would do best a particular school, then go for it. Hang what your family think. You can't wait for them to agree with you. That might take your child being an adult and really struggling for them to realise. At which point it will be your fault for not doing anything.

I envy you op in that you have a school in your sights that you want your child to attend. Even if you are having to fight for it. There isn't anything for my ds. He has aspergers and is well above average academically but his behaviour is a real problem . Mainstream don't want him. The special schools are not appropriate for his needs and the ARP units are a bad mish mash of the issues from main stream and special education.

I suspect he's going to be home schooled in the near future when his temporary placement comes to an end.

It depends what sort of special school you're talking about. DD1(9) is very verbal and goes to a 'LD' special school. She has a peer group. That's important. A child who is average cognitively would not be accepted there because there would be no peer group for that child.

If you're talking about a school such as ICan in Meath, that's different. There, the function of speech and language is the priority and they will have children who have specific language disorders.

I think your big mistake is assuming the rest of your family are as invested in this as you are tbh. It would be lovely if your DB etc were interested and supportive but they are clearly aren't so I wouldn't bother bringing it up in conversation with them again.

In terms of what is best for your DD, then as her parent you are best placed to know that. For some children a special school place is by far the best thing as mainstream is never going to meet their needs in the same way that the right specialist provision can.

You know whats right for you daughter.

You know whats right for you as a family.

Learn to be confident so that when the subject comes up its understood people are being told whats going on, and if they're not on the same page as you with regards to your daughter there's no need for them to say anything.

Good luck with the LEA, and are you in touch with any outside bodies who can advise you?

IS the school residential? If so is his reaction in part because you would be sending her away'? I think a lot of us can't understand parents who send children to boarding school at a young age, is that how he sees it?
To be honest it is quite unusual for children to go to a residential at 5 unless they have significant behaviour/care/learning needs.

If it's just about it being a special school then he is being an ignorant twat and I wouldn't discuss it with him any further.

soapboxqueen - you need a school like this one

Who said anything about residential? That's pretty rare these days.

Just horrified at what your DB said to your DD. Yes people are ignorant and SEN is stigmatised.

I hope you find the right school for your DD and your appeal wins. Tis all amount the money with the LEA I'm afraid

Your brother is being completely ignorant. He does not understand your DD and he does not understand what a specialist placement can offer a child who is struggling. He is making a judgement based upon popular media stereotypes. YOU know your daughter and you know the placement that you feel will be right for her - not all specialist schools are the same and no doubt you have taken your time to consider the right one for her as we did with DD1. Don't let him bully you and follow the path that you feel is right. I can tell you from personal experience it was a huge emotional leap to move from mainstream to specialist school (more so than when we had her various diagnoses confirmed), but 2 years down the line I could not be more thrilled with the education that she gets and how she is developing as a person. It has given her far more of a chance in life than she would have had at mainstream, and overall she is also a much happier child in herself too. We had to fight the LA all the way for an indi SS placement but we got there and it was worth every bit of effort and stress along the way.

my ds1 is in a SeN school. He has been there since September and is in year 9. Mainstream is not the right place for so many children. You keep fighting.
I would be furious with your family member making that statement TO your child. What a complete arsehole. I wish id moved him sooner

I've read real life stories about people who were very normal intelligence but got forced into special schools in the 1960s-70s maybe due to a minor physical disability (Stuart Shorter leaps to mind) , where there was no expectation or challenge that they should or could be academic or indeed develop any useful skills. The schools were under-resourced, too. I think that's what OP's brother fears, that it's a dumping ground.

Sorry this is so painful for you OP, I think they are just worried & ignorant about modern special schools. You'll need to be strong in your own mind that you know this is best place for your DD.

How difficult for you to have to try to negotiate the mess of SEN without any support from your family

The main plus-point about mainstream for your DD would be that she would be surrounded by good role-models for speaking - other children who would be speaking confidently (and continuously!) to her and each other in both formal and informal situations. This in itself could be a huge benefit to your DD. However, the teachers and support staff are unlikely to have any specialist knowledge or training about supporting children who have speech and language disorders and will have to manage her in a class of 30.

The opposite is probably true of a specialist placement - possibly few positive peer role-models and perhaps children who have greater cognitive difficulties. However, because of small classes, proper support from professionals and properly trained and experienced support staff, she may well find it much less frustrating and make much better progress.

If she has already spent time in a mainstream setting and you feel that they were not meeting her needs effectively, it is fairly unlikely that this is going to change as she moves into more and more formal classrooms as she gets older. I guess you have been to see the specialist setting? If you feel it might be better for your DD, then trust your instincts.

FWIW, lots of parents/extended family are embarrassed to have a child in a specialist setting, which could explain how your family are reacting

Cece that looks amazing. That's exactly what I want. Except we have nothing like that in our area. I said this to the LEA and they said they knew that but there were only maybe 10 children a year who would need such provision so there wasn't the demand for it.

10 children per year plus the same number roughly in the 6 local authorities surrounding who also have no similar provision and I reckon that's a school but hey ho what do I know.

It's all about money not need.

Former SALT here and currently teacher. You are doing the right thing OP. Your DD needs specialist help and you are in a position to provide it. She will be in an environment where people understand her needs. Imagine being her. She understands what's going on but can't express herself. In mainstream, she'll come up against people who have no specialist training whatsoever. I have seen the damage the Warnock Report did over the last 30 years. Even Baroness Warnock said it was a mistake. I won't comment further as I might make comments which will upset other posters.

Cece, that school looks great. Our LA needs a provision like that right now, taking children from 5+ - there are so many who are not coping in mainstream and who mainstream schools aren't equipped to support effectively.

As Derxa says, the problem with mainstream is that although she may get one or two adults who can support her well, the rest won't have a clue and that may include the HT and SLT.

Jeanne inclusion with exclusion was what I was told. DD 8 who has ASD and developmental delays goes to a fantastic special Autistic school, it has worked magic on her. Initially I really diden't want her to go, stigma, I wanted her to be like her NT peers and not be excluded. At a multidisciplinary meeting with SENDIST, SALT, representative from LEA, Ed psych, her mainstream head teacher, it was explained to though she would be in mainstream school, she would be more isolated from her peers, doing her curriculum separate from her NT peers. She deserves the education she needs.

Well she has flourished academically at her specialist school, she does the national curriculum, and is in the highest level stream at the top of her class. They have their own speech and language therapist and OT, and they work on her behaviour. She goes to Brownies with her NT peers, and tap and ballet too, which she really enjoys. They have given me a different child, in the sense that she is calmer, happier and achieving, this would not be happening if she remained at mainstream.

So op, you know your dd, you know her needs, and you have to do what you think is best. The earlier the intervention, the better the outcomes. Mainstream do not have the resources, and there is a limit as to what they can do with SN. Mainstream schools are not the best for all children with Sn.

Sadly most people have NO idea about special ed and the different educational possibilities. Your brother is an arse, but quite likely his only true knowledge of Special Schools is seeing someone going off on the small minibus, and with no understanding of speech and langugae disorders he is going to assume (wrongly) that your DD will magically just pick up her language skills naturally from being in mainstream.

I presume you are looking at speech and languge schools. I work in Special Ed and have seen several children move to one in my area with fantastic results.

My own DS2.. now 17 has been in Special School since he was 4. He has mild LDs and ASD and it has been absolutely fantastic for him. No he is never going to be magically like other people.. he has special needs and always will have, but from non verbal when he started, to never shuts up now.. and he has quite a bit of independence, he can take the local bus by himself, he has friends...real friends among his peers from his school and I have NO doubt that he would not have had those opportunities as his siblings school, where with the best will in teh world, he would have always been on the outside.

I'm very sorry you are having the SEN fight without family support..sadly it'ts not unusual. Personally I would just not discuss it with family or anyone who doesn't 'get'' it.. it's not worth it (and not in front of your daughter.. all she needs to know is that you are looking for a fabulous school that will be fun and help her to talk)

Good luck!

calmer, happier and achieving this.

It's up to you. You know your child well. Special schools are right for some, and not for others. I have three children with additional needs, they went to different schools, (not special) because they went to the schools that we felt were right for them. It's your decision, your brother doesn't have to put in the work, or the support day in, day out. I'd be telling him to butt out!

In addition, your brother's attitudes are that of the 60s and 70's and his views of specialist schools are in line with that. Not now, dd mainstream HT, said that they have to constantly justify themselves and their costing to the LEA, that they are moving children forward and progressing, it is not just keeping children happy. DD does the national curriculum and her curriculum is tailored to her abilities, her teachers are constantly challenging her academically and moving her forward, but she is in an environment that is right for her. He school is the only Autistic school for a long distance, we are in Milton Keynes and so is her school, children from Bedford and Northampton attend it. As there are more children with Aspergers and Hfa attending as they cannot cope with the mainstream environment big class size, over stimuli, they are offering more GCSE and will do in the future and mabey A levels.