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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how much social circles depend on schools, quite shocked at friends attitudes...

52 replies

LeftOftheRight · 03/05/2015 20:42

I've never been very good at big social circles of friends, often failing to understand them and preferring a couple of really good friends! When I met my husband I moved to his area and inherited many of his friends which all are lovely people. My two best friends live about an hour away, we speak most days and see each other every few weeks but I've always felt a bit of an outsider in the village I live. Since having children I noticed the drifting of the social circle where we live, people we have always felt good friends being busy etc and distances growing, however we still saw people relatively regularly. Now we've selected schools, we have chosen to send our child to a school outside of our local village. Suddenly its like we've been cut off, all our friends in this village are meeting and doing things together looking forward to their children being at school together. Normally we have a picnic together on the BH tomorrow and I just found out they are all going and we weren't invited. when I asked why it was due to our son not going to school with their children (there are 4 families involved in this) and them wanting to make sure the children all had good relationships. I found this odd but have thought that when we have seen anyone they've been critical of our choice of school or defensive of theirs - quite frankly we choose a different school as we felt if suited our ds better that was it. I can't think of any other reason as there was no fall out or any issue but we did keep quiet about school choices due to knowing others would find it odd, and it didn't go down well.
On the other hand we have suddenly been invited to lots of social gatherings by parents we don't know brilliantly from the school our child will be going to. I think this is lovely of these parents and really will make a difference to our son.
Long story short that is my question - is this inevitable? Social circle will revolve around school? My closest friends will always be there but I think I have been naïve in thinking things wouldn't change too much with ds going to a different school.

OP posts:
Madeyemoodysmum · 03/05/2015 20:51

Tbh. My dd school relationships are separated from mine. I have a friend from her class but only one really. Otherwise she organises her own social life. I'm friendly with the mums but don't socialise with them out of school.

In D's class I have two friends one I'm very close too but her son is leaving soon but I know we will remain friends as I make the effort as I hope she will too.

I have baby mum friends iI'm still close too 9 yrs later and they all go to different schools.

Some people are crap and keeping in touch and some are good. Some are thoughtless and selfish. I guess those friends are in that group.

Yarp · 03/05/2015 20:51

Not in my experience. I remained friends with people whose children went to other schools, made new friends of my own - only some of whom were the parents of my sons' friends. If your friends are really sniffy about your choices, IMO they aren't real friends

It all sounds a bit like social engineering to me - getting the DCs together is, IMO a bit of a red herring. It's more for parents to suss each other out and to make their own friends. Too much involvement in your Primary school child's life may result in problems later on, when the DCs fall out.

But them I am not a fan of big groups, and would prefer friendships to emerge naturally

notquiteruralbliss · 03/05/2015 20:52

Not sure. Didn't ever do the socialising with other parents thing. My social circle is made up of people I have met through work / gigs and my DCs are made up of people they met through sport / school.

GottaFeeling · 03/05/2015 20:52

I think a lot of families (mothers?) of young families are friends with other families for the benefit of the children. Often the children are the only thing they really have in common. eg When my Dc were small I had a group of friends who had both boys and girls, but as the DC began to form groups of boys and groups of girls, the mothers of girls ( I have boys) became less keen to meet up.

It doesn't change if you've been properly good friends yourselves but where the friendship has been mostly about the children it's a natural progression. Do you ever meet these friends without the children?

Original poster
LeftOftheRight · 03/05/2015 20:55

We did before the children came along, but no not so much now. I suppose I was surprised but not too upset, the people I count as my closest friends exist outside of this circle - just was surprised by the speed and 'design' of it! We only found schools out a few weeks ago!!

OP posts:
Yarp · 03/05/2015 20:59

Lots of people are quite anxious about their DCs starting school. In some, this manifests as a desire to control and organise things. I may be out of line here, but the whole thing makes me shudder a bit.

I think DCs going to school is a good opportunity for parents' life to become a bit less about them, and a bit more about their own (and to let the DCs get on with it, with our support, of course)

Starlightbright1 · 03/05/2015 20:59

I have a couple of friends in the local area made through toddler groups ..We still see each other. I have made friends with a few people through school.

yetanotherchangename · 03/05/2015 21:07

I think it's a bit like work in some respects. You can make the effort to stay friends with selected former colleagues but you won't always get invited to the works drinks.
They sound rude and insensitive though. Do they think you have snubbed them with your choice of a different school?

TruJay · 03/05/2015 21:09

In my opinion that's just a shitty thing to do, a big picnic you all usually go to together and you're suddenly not invited because you have chosen to send your son to a different school?! Wow that's really mean. Only two of my mum friends from the bigger group sent their children to same school as I sent DS, one moved to the opposite end of the country so that's understandable though, the school run would have been a right pain Grin and another moved across the city so obviously her DS attends the school near to their new house. I still talk to both these families often and in fact met up with the second mum just the other day at a play gym with our second children. It wouldn't even occur to me to have cut these families out of our lives.
To be honest op I don't think you're missing anything if that's how these people can act, I'd just encourage these new friendships and hopefully it will help your DS settle into school.

Tanaqui · 03/05/2015 23:07

Just a thought- is there a state/ private split?

AlmaMartyr · 03/05/2015 23:18

I've seen this OP, it is a bit odd. Honestly though, big group friendships are a nightmare especially when they revolve around children.

I was really shocked when I realised how much some people go in for social engineering - I prefer to make friends naturally based on who I enjoy being with, and assumed everyone was the same.

I don't think it's inevitable that this happens but I have encountered it and I don't honestly know how common it is. Lots of my "mum" friends have DCs at different schools, it's not something I think about tbh.

LogonMounstuart · 04/05/2015 05:03

When my son started school we sent him to the local catchment school. A couple of other parents sent their child to an out of catchment school (or moved into its catchment).

They talk about this in terms of the best school for their child. The best school for their child being one where they don't have to mix with the type of children who go to the local school.

Their choice, but certainly made me realise they weren't the sort of people I want as friends, so yes we did stop seeing them. They feel like you do. They afterall don't have a problem with my child, just the other children that go to his school!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/05/2015 06:29

Similar happened to me where I live in Australia. Big group of us at playgroup, good friends, good mixing - but as soon as the bigger children went to school, there was a distinct divide between the parents whose children were at one school and those at the other school, even though we were still seeing each other at playgroup.

I found it quite sad really, but I suppose it's a slow(ish) separation, given that the children will probably stop remembering each other and make new friends at the new school. I do still see one of the mums of children at the other school, because her son and mine are still best friends, despite being in different schools (they're not even in the same year) - but that seems to be unusual.

It was certainly uncomfortable when it started though, so I sympathise.

HamishBamish · 04/05/2015 07:04

Just a thought- is there a state/ private split?

This is what I was wondering. People can very critical and small minded if you choose the private route, like it's a personal slur on them or something. It may not be the case here, but I've seen it happen.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 04/05/2015 07:37

That is weird and not inevitable.

I also moved to a new city (London) as a young mother - in my case, from another country. As a result, most of my social circle is through my kids' various activities. This is not by choice - I'm not crazy about this and I am constantly looking for new "non-school" friends.

As others have said - if you have opted for a private school over a local state, prepare for some bruised egos. Also as you move along, friendships that have been held together by your children will fall by the wayside - that's a natural and probably good thing IMO.

I have 3 or 4 really good friends who I hope to be friends with forever from my kids' primary.

Hakluyt · 04/05/2015 07:41

"This is what I was wondering. People can very critical and small minded if you choose the private route,"

Yep, that's the way it goes! Grin

Howcanitbe · 04/05/2015 07:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinosaursRoar · 04/05/2015 07:54

My dc1 is in reception so we went through this last year. I was part of a larger group where most got their dcs into one school, we got another (and one little girl went to a 3rd after her parents "moved in" with grandad to get her into his village school).

There was lots of meet ups of class children for both schools, some semi-formal (the class reps inviting everyone) and informal groups of mums who already part knew each other arranging picnics and play dates.

I still meet up with some of the mums, but more likely in the evenings for a drink without dcs, except for those with a dc2 that I see with my dc2 while the older ones are at school.

Once at school, dcs have much more of a social life that's not connected to which children's mums you get on with, including play dates without the other mum there, and I knew only half the parents at dc1's 5th birthday party.

Another thought, would you have got the same school as their dc if you'd put that as your first choice /have you gone private? They may well take your rejection of the closer, "community" school as a rejection of the community.

SanityClause · 04/05/2015 08:16

Whether the schools are state or private is irrelevant, really. People often see your choice as a criticism of their choice, even if you are choosing between two private schools, or two state schools.

However, it sounds like they may have considered you a "school mum", rather than a real friend, and now no longer do. The time from senior school allocation to the start of senior school is often tricky. Friendships are abandoned, for ones with people who will be attending the new school. Parents will often try to facilitate friendships they believe will be beneficial to their DC, as in your village situation.

There is no reason why you should not do the same. Invite friends over for play dates, etc.

As for your own friends, you maybe need to do a bit of an audit, and work out who your real friends are. (As Rich Hall says, "a friend will help you move; a true friend will help you move a body.")

HamishBamish · 04/05/2015 08:58

The way I see it OP, if these 'friends' are going to base their friendships on which school you choose for your child, then they aren't really worth bothering with anyway.

I would just ignore their pettiness and move on. Your child has their whole school career ahead of them and there will be plenty of chances to make friendships with other parents if you wish to do so.

DinosaursRoar · 04/05/2015 08:59

A good test is if you get invited for stuff without dcs, or indeed if you ever went out without children...

Perhaps invite a few out for evening drinks. Sadly, if you are the only family in a village who don't use the village school, you might find you are a bit isolated if the school is a very social one.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 04/05/2015 09:00

(As Rich Hall says, "a friend will help you move; a true friend will help you move a body.")

I love this.

mammmamia · 04/05/2015 18:45

This happened to me with NCT group when we chose a private school... Their choice. Tried not to take it too personally.
We ended up moving away anyway and both DH and I have made very good friends at DC's school.

Higgle · 04/05/2015 18:53

I don't hold with this being friends with other parents at teh school your children attend. yes, you might find the odd person you get on wit but really I want friends for myself that I have more to talk about than my children with. My circle of friends was always very much outside the school playground.

formerbabe · 04/05/2015 18:55

None of my social life is linked to my child's school...the idea has never crossed my mind!

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