AIBU to ask how much social circles depend on schools, quite shocked at friends attitudes...

[LeftOftheRight]

I've never been very good at big social circles of friends, often failing to understand them and preferring a couple of really good friends! When I met my husband I moved to his area and inherited many of his friends which all are lovely people. My two best friends live about an hour away, we speak most days and see each other every few weeks but I've always felt a bit of an outsider in the village I live. Since having children I noticed the drifting of the social circle where we live, people we have always felt good friends being busy etc and distances growing, however we still saw people relatively regularly. Now we've selected schools, we have chosen to send our child to a school outside of our local village. Suddenly its like we've been cut off, all our friends in this village are meeting and doing things together looking forward to their children being at school together. Normally we have a picnic together on the BH tomorrow and I just found out they are all going and we weren't invited. when I asked why it was due to our son not going to school with their children (there are 4 families involved in this) and them wanting to make sure the children all had good relationships. I found this odd but have thought that when we have seen anyone they've been critical of our choice of school or defensive of theirs - quite frankly we choose a different school as we felt if suited our ds better that was it. I can't think of any other reason as there was no fall out or any issue but we did keep quiet about school choices due to knowing others would find it odd, and it didn't go down well.
On the other hand we have suddenly been invited to lots of social gatherings by parents we don't know brilliantly from the school our child will be going to. I think this is lovely of these parents and really will make a difference to our son.
Long story short that is my question - is this inevitable? Social circle will revolve around school? My closest friends will always be there but I think I have been naïve in thinking things wouldn't change too much with ds going to a different school.

Here's the thing. It does sound as if big group meet ups aren't your thing, so you may have given off vibes of not being particularly comfortable in that setting, so perhaps people thought you weren't having a good time.

Also these meet ups don't happen of their own accord, someone has to organise them, it's a lot easier to do that when you see the people on a daily basis at the school gates. I'm guessing you've never instigated or arranged a meet up, again this may lead people to feel you're not that bothered about going to them.

It's not inevitable that friendships will gravitate towards the school your DC are at, but it depends on how deep rooted the friendships were before the change occurred. I think in your case you should put your efforts into getting to know the parents at your DD's new school - it can't hurt certainly.

I understand where you are coming from OP. Our son is now home edded so seriously outside the 'circle' thank feck!

I can't really comment on friendships being affected as all my friends are quite spread out and our children don't go to the same schools.

However, when we moved last year and all the neighbours would ask ''does your school go to the school?'' (meaning the village school), and I replied no because he's happy in the school from where we moved from (5 mins down the road) and anyway I don't think he'd get in because it's so over subscribed.
I felt a great deal of snobbery about it, as though they were offended that I didn't want DS to go to their 'oh so wonderful school'.

It is a lovely school and had we been living there when we were applying for schools I would have loved for him to go to that school, but I'm not going to move him just to save myself a 5-10 minute drive in the mornings.

I still think the neighbours probably look down their noses at us because we're not in their 'club'.

It is natural and perfectly acceptable for parents to try to bring together their young children who will be starting school together soon but I think it's weird and hurtful that they would not invite you to a BH picnic that you would normally be part of.

However lots of people are super-sensitive about a whole bunch of things, and of those things choice of primary school is well up there with infant feeding. By choosing to send your son elsewhere it may well be perceived that you are critical of their choice. Regardless of what you say upthread, perhaps you are, a bit. I have seen friendships disintegrate over less.

Thanks all, yes there is private state split but I thinks it more to do with type of school which we've selected which promotes a style of learning we're more comfortable with. We were torn between this and home ed and I knew others were against this hence we didn't male a big deal about and only said when people asked us.
I was just surprised I suppose. These people aren't what I would call our closest friends and my main social, emotional support comes from my two closest friends who live some way away. Seems shame as the chkldren enjoyed each others company. We are also likely to , move so maybe best to let this play out and if it naturally comes to am end, so be it.

Is it a Steiner school?

Yis a mine field op.

My advice you and dh make your own grown up friends and let the kids make theirs.

It's the state/private split.

It won't be the first friendship ended over this.

Think you were naive for not seeing that coming. do you not read the state private threads on here?

Oh op, you should have seen this coming, you rejected the school in the village for a private one outside, is this the school most of the adults you are talking about went to? Can you not see your actions would be taken as "fine for you and your dcs, but not good enough for mine"?

Private education is a minefield, and state schools in small villages do often end up being a social focal point for people with school aged dcs, it's less of an issue in larger towns where there's 2-3 state schools parents could use. Opting not to use the community school might well be seen as rejecting the community when it suits you- unfair, but how a lot of people see this, even if they aren't anti-private education in principle.

If you want your dc to have friends in the village, then your going to have to build bridges, invite other children your dc likes over for play dates one at a time.

We've had great friends who suddenly vanished now that our children attend different schools, despite the fact that we live two streets apart. There's always a reason why they can't join us for this or that. We have a huge suspicion that, in senior school, the children will join up again. That's going to be awkward. But, I'm sure we'll manage. In our family we've had to invent the term, friends of convenience. (Sounds a bit like a lavatory, but, I guess, that's modern life.)

It is just to do with the ease of arrangements and the fact that you are 'out of sight, out of mind'. It doesn't happen if you have friendships with these people outside of your children- but if they are friendships based on your children, and always including them, then it is fairly inevitable. The only way to stop it, should you want to, is to put energy into making them friendships that have little to do with the children.

A lot of people have 'friends of convenience' DoraGora - once they have children they build up a network. OP isn't going to be much use to other parents in the village for taking their children to school if they are ill, phoning up and asking them to collect if they are stuck in a traffic jam etc.
They were not real friends in the first place. They were friends of convenience and OP is no longer 'convenient'.

I think that's very unfriendly to exclude you from a picnic because your children will be going to different schools !

I think if you want to keep up the bond, you will have to invite them to things you have organised, either singly or as a group (I would prob go with singly).

Though tbh I might be tempted to just let things drop. Do you know who has instigated leaving you out? Maybe the others find it awkward.

DD is now at a different school to her best friend now she is Junior school age, and her friend is a year younger. We made a big effort before Christmas to keep meeting up, but it has tailed off a bit recently - different friends, different activities. One or other of us always seems busy at the weekend. You do just drift away a bit unless you make a big effort.

I think their behaviour is childish.

I have deliberately tried to maintain contact with DD's nursery friends as I think it's great they have friends outside school.

I agree it sounds like they think you have snubbed the local school and thetefore their choice and, tbh, I have heard this happen a few times.

I really don't think it is childish or deliberately unfriendly. Lives are busy, people move on. I kept in touch with friends from toddler groups etc for a while once they started school but it tailed off- children move on and make their own friends.
I kept the ones who were real friends but lost touch with the ones who were friends because we had children at the same age and same places.
To keep including someone who has gone into a different circle takes more effort- people are lazy rather than unfriendly.

If it is a Steiner school, the parents may not want to hang out with you anymore.

My immediate thought was Steiner too. I have a couple of sets of friends (yet they are still friends, good ones) whose children went/go to Steiner. They school community is a big deal, they found it actually a bit claustrophobic after a bit, but lots of nice social opportunities and networks.

The whole mindset around sending your child to Steiner imo is inherently critical of the current state sector (some of which I agree with). My friends found a lot of the parents were totally hardcore about it, and vocally negative about current state provision, in a self-reinforcing and excluding way that was not respectful of other people's choices (if indeed they were privileged enough to have such a choice).

Proper friendships survive this stuff. Being not included in one picnic framed around going to school together, whilst hurtful, doesn't mean friendship terminated. Focus on any individual friendships rather than the gang.

It is deliberately unfriendly.

Fair enough, lives move on.

But if someone asks why they weren't invited to the picnic that they have always been invited to in the past, and doesn't get a flurry of apologies and an invitation extended then, that seems pretty deliberate to me, not just laziness.

sorry to hear this OP but dont take it personally. If you choose something that is different to others espeically if it concerns your children and schooling then relationships suffer. I agree with the other poster who said schooling is so sensitive. Personally, I don't get it. My children go to our villlage state and I don't bat an eyelid if others choose private or another state; you do what you think is best for your children. Comfort yourself with the fact that if this keep happening, they weren't true friends after all. YOu will make new 'school gate ' friends but my advise would be to proceed with caution as only one or two of these willl end up being YOUR friends outside of the school environment which is fine. I think its only when you see them as otherwise that there is the potential for hurt

Tbo, if I was the friends referred to, I would be shocked and hurt. They had no warningthat you would not choose the local village school (which, in a small village, will be a social hub for children and parents). Instead you have chosen Steiner, outside of the village.

Fair enough, your choice. Steiner is a marmite choice though. I would be very surprised if any of my close friends sent their kids to Steiner. So Tbo I can sympathise with your friends.

OP hasn't said it is Steiner. That was a question I posed. She hasn't confirmed either way.

I don't expect it a Steiner school - no mention of it.

People consider other people's choice of school a criticism of their own choice (or worse, their frustration about a lack of choice)