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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be feeling sad and a bit sorry for myself?

48 replies

cinnamonwalnuts · 02/05/2015 22:14

Went out for some drinks with some friends tonight who I love dearly but as I was sat there chatting I was struck by the difference between my life and theirs.

They are all married, or in serious relationships, either with children or with children in the 'two year plan.'

Unfortunately, I've had NO luck with dating, with meeting anyone or with relationships and, to be blunt, doubt I ever will. The only opportunities I may get are online and I am a VERY ordinary looking woman. As such, I get no interest bar the odd 'hi' from unemployed men in their 50s (am 34, nearly 35).

For the most part I manage to remain cheerful and confident but just every now and again it does get to me and tonight it is, for some reason.

(Please, don't try to 'chivy' me up by telling me what I should do online to get noticed! I know it's just my face/body - latter in particular! - that aren't attractive.)

OP posts:

TheTroubleWithAngels · 02/05/2015 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OwlinaTree · 02/05/2015 22:23

Bah. for you. You need drinks with your single mates tomorrow night. They will all be in minding their kids.

OwlinaTree · 03/05/2015 20:01

Did you organise single mates night out? Hope you are downing shots as we speak!

Original poster

cinnamonwalnuts · 03/05/2015 20:15

I don't have single mates thank you for asking after me though!

OP posts:

NobleLocks · 03/05/2015 20:19

Im in exactly the same position- it's the pits!

Writerwannabe83 · 03/05/2015 20:23

I've been there and it's utter pants.

I had a MASSIVE row with my very best friend on one occasion when she tried to perk me up with her platitudes about positive thinking and how it will happen for me one day etc and I just exploded. I screamed at her, "It's easy for you to fucking say that isn't it though with your perfect husband, your lovely daughter and baby number two on it's fucking way!!!!"

Whoops.

I did go round three days later and apologise though

cleanmyhouse · 03/05/2015 20:23

Me too. Well i have the kids, but I'm pretty resigned to being on my own.

The online thing baffles me, the men in their 50's who could be my unattractive uncle. Sob.

ilovesooty · 03/05/2015 20:26

What kind of sad person goes out for drinks with friends and talks about the "two year plan"

Screw them.

RandomMess · 03/05/2015 20:27

The most positive thing I can think of is "better to be single than an in an abusive or awful relationship" BUT that's very easy to say when you have dc!

Just hugs, I really hope it happens for you x

AlpacaMyBag · 03/05/2015 20:27

I have a friend who is a fairly ordinary looking man. Maybe even VERY ordinary looking.

He has a decent job (though he's not a high flier; it's just a job that he enjoys and is good at). He is financially stable, honest, friendly and has lots of hobbies and interests.

He was single for years and years and years. Then he tried online dating. Went on a date with someone and they hit it off. Have been happily married for, um, 5 or so years now.
I would say that his wife is also fairly to very ordinary looking. He is crazy about her, absolutely worships the ground she walks on.
My point is that there ARE lovely, stable, employed men out there looking for relationships and not necessarily with model-material stunners. I feel odd describing my friend's wife by her looks (she is so much more than that) but it's really relevant to your post in this case.

Looks aren't everything, even online. I'm not pretending it's easy, but it's not hopeless.

ImNameyChangey · 03/05/2015 20:29

I do feel for you but don't accept your attitude regarding your looks. If you feel they are holding you back then make more of an effort to get yourself fitter/more groomed.

If you don't want to do those things then that's fine too...there are men who don't care about someone looking ordinary.

AlpacaMyBag · 03/05/2015 20:29

Yy to "two year plan" talk over drinks being sad and pathetic.

Sometimes it works out but nature sometimes has other plans

Original poster

cinnamonwalnuts · 03/05/2015 20:34

Oh I've been slim and healthy ok I'm not now but I'm always groomed, but y'know - silk purse and sows ears!0

OP posts:

AlpacaMyBag · 03/05/2015 20:38

Healthy makes a big difference.

I know you specifically said you didn't want tips but when you have a bit of a glow from regular exercise it really shows. So get back to it

Yeasayer · 03/05/2015 20:54

2 year plans? Wow. Sounds like an exciting night.

Regardless of how you think you look I totally agree with Alpaca. Personally I have more positive outlook when I'm exercising regularly.

RandomMess · 03/05/2015 20:59

I think it's a case of being yourself but don't be a shrinking violet!!!

Have discussed this sort of thing with a few male friends and tbh they say it's the "package" humour, interesting talks, sexiness but not actually "attractiveness" I am no beauty at all, when I'm feeling good about myself I enjoy that it's difficult is good, you are in touch and aware of your feelings.

I think as you get older it is just difficult to meet single people of either sex because you just don't mix in those circles anymore without actively going out there and seeking opportunities.

Original poster

cinnamonwalnuts · 03/05/2015 21:06

It is difficult meeting people.

Have been thinking of joining the gym again so go on then :) will do that tomorrow!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 03/05/2015 21:07

Join a running club, cinnamon. There are tons of men there!

Amy106 · 03/05/2015 21:09

YANBU at all.

shewalkslikerihanna · 03/05/2015 21:16

IT still can all change in a heartbeat . When my friend got divorced she was introduced to a single man of 50 . He was a lovely man. A bit of a geek. The sort who gets on with his hobbies and life kind of passes him by. He was still a virgin
Fast forward ten years and they have enriched each other s lives. She's got a lovely man who diets on her and he has a lovely woman. He is now a surrogate grandad
Never ever think it won't happen.

Rebelheart · 03/05/2015 21:16

I'm sure like me you see lots of very ordinary looking couples every day. Just because you are not the most physically attractive doesn't mean you can't meet someone.

I am way older than you and somehow manage to punch above my weight in online dating and have met some gorgeous and much younger guys. Men seem to like fun and lively messages over age or appearance or what you do for a living.

Honestly don't give up. Concentrate more on what you want.

shewalkslikerihanna · 03/05/2015 21:17

Or a walking group.

museumum · 03/05/2015 21:19

I met my dh online.
Have you thought about an online matchmaking agency rather than a dating site? Something like e-harmony (I'm sure there are others) where they "match" you with dates rather than folk just picking through photos.
The site I met my husband on was one where people have a shared interest not just photo flicking.
I'm attractive enough in real life but really not photogenic. I used pics of me doing stuff from a distance - skiing, climbing a mountain - to attract the kind of man is have stuff in common with.

Rebelheart · 03/05/2015 21:19

Mind you I have met no one in the gym.

Have a look at the thread on relationships called where do men hang out. There were some brilliant suggestions there.

mayfridaycomequickly · 03/05/2015 21:23

One of my friends is single and very beautiful (although she'd probably say she was ordinary too) she's had shit luck on online dating.

Another friend is more ordinary looking but met her now husband online aged 38. They had their ds when she was 42.

I'm very ordinary looking - met dp at work when I was 32 After a shit go at online ddating.

I think what I'm trying to say is its more about luck than looks!

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